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“I have been cloned many times. How else would I get the time to put my quotes on every page in uncyclopedia?”
Until recent years mankind has had to rely on qualified practitioners of sexual intercourse to increase their numbers. However, in 1997 Scottish scientists, on the payroll of actor Ewan McGregor perfected cloning technology, allowing the creation of Dolly the Sheep (named for known advocate of human cloning, Dolly Parton), an exact genetic replica of her "mother" and an important landmark in the US Government's "War on Sex". The government has, however, tried to cover up a more shocking experiment which resulted in the cloning of two boys in Ohio.
Early work in cloning centered on trying to create test tube babies. In time, however, most of the women participating in the experiments complained that the glass test tubes were not as comfortable as the plastic dildos they were accustomed to. Originally the first human to successfully clone himself was Magic Johnson. He has died multiple times due to his HIV. He has hired many scientist and built an underground laboratory, to create multiple clones of himself. So, new clones are released into the public before anyone notices his absence.
Cloning is done by removing the head of the host, it is then replaced with a watermelon which has been submersed in coffee for at least 24 hours. The removed head is then implanted into an embryonic stem cell and then boiled for 5 minutes. It is then removed and can either be used as stuffing (Chicken, Turkey, Bill Gates) or roasted until crispy brown. it is then frozen for 12 years. after this period the cell can be defrosted and will be a perfect clone.
Although the exact methods used remain unknown due to the untimely demise of the scientists involved, shortly after Dolly's creation, it is believed that they extracted DNA from the mother sheep and, rubbed it repeatedly on the heads of small children to make it sticky. Following this step, the now sticky DNA was inserted into a mechanical sperm cell before fertilisation.
Unfortunately for the "War on Sex", at this stage the act of intercourse was still necessary, but scientists today are coming ever closer to their ultimate goal of completely eliminating the need for sexual relations within the human species.
Another theory was postulated by Dr. Terrance Jobbie Phillips, he stated that cloning is when you take a cell and stick it up another animals arse. A prime example of this is when the cell of a Humbug Butterfly is ripped out of it’s living body and stuffed up the arse of a baboon. Thus creating the Flying Humbug Baboon – only seen in northern parts of South Africa.
edit Recent Advances
The successful creation of Dolly the Sheep, who tasted exactly like her mother, by cloning has been succeeded by recent forays into human cloning, the most notable example of which being the cloning of The Godfather and Keeper of Souls, James Brown. Mutations in the cloning process, caused by DNA damage when the lead cloning technician spilt his cup of UVB, resulted in the offspring being white.
Apart from this one genetic upset, they are, however, genetically identical to the original Godfather of Soul.
The Gardner Cloning Project is by far the most successful human cloning experiment to date. It took place in the late 1980's and resulted in cloned males Spencer and Mark Gardner. Due to government policies, they were forced into hiding. Rumor has it that they are presently in either a club in lichester or a golf course in the isle of white... either way he is wanted dead or alive!!!!!!!!!!!!!
edit Conspiracy theorist viewpoint
Conspiracy theorists have quickly denounced cloning for a number of reasons:
The Official Blink 182 Fanclub of Gibraltar and The Namibian chapter of the Hell's Angels have taken the viewpoint that Dolly the sheep was not in fact cloned, but rather the orchastretor of the experiment to see if humans would actually waste a decade and millions of pounds on trying to create a sheep when they could get one by simply praying to Mecca. There were found to be discrepancies in the billing of the programme; the super dooper magic machine which is way too complex for you to understand consumed almost half the budget. However, it turned out to be carrot.
Noam Chomsky has rehashed some black helicopter theories, claiming that cloning promotes the subserviance of women and will lead the way to the destruction of democracy.
Adolf Hitler claimed cloning was created by the zog and sold all of his shares in the company (however, it is quite obvious that Hitler, first, was a Rothschilde and thus a Jew himself, and secondly, he has obvioussly attempted to clone himself numerous times, many of these clones even got together and started a hip-pop group called Da BoyZ from Brazil).
edit Mitch McConnell
United States Senator from Kentucky and the Minority Leader Mitch McConnell is the only successful clone of a human with a russian tortoise (Testudo horsfieldii). The experiment conducted on May 12, 1961, resulted in our present senior senator. It was controversial at the time due to the danger of creating a human with some unwanted reptilian characteristics, such as a disregard for the welfare of others. Luckily this has not been the case, as he has more than demonstrated a genuine concern, not only for his fellow man, but for all life.
edit People Who Have Been Cloned
- Some girl from the pokemon ripoff (or was that a copy?).
- George Lucas
- Adolph Hitler
- Jimbo Wales
- Santa Claus
- jack hill
- Original Jesus (all ofther Jesii where cloned from Original Jesus, almost of of these Jesii are potential anti-Christ's)
- Your mum
- Marilyn Monroe
- Jennifer Lopez
- Jessica Simpson
- James Brown
- Michael Jackson
- Bjork and Amelie (It is also suspected that silent film star Lulu was cloned, and that that clones are who we known now as Bjork and Amelie, this early attempt, semantically, was obviously only a partial success)
- Lo Pan
- 007 James Bond
- Jess Bentley
- James Skelton
- Saffron King
- Austin Kargl
- Michael Bragg
- Austin Lang
- Dr. Robotnik(and his pingas)
- Many Transformers
- Sonic the Hedgehog
- Mew and other pokemon in first movie.
- Chuck Norris (Oh S#%t! Run!)
- Colin Wheeler(bet you dont even know)
edit See also
u mum u mum