Clifford the Big Red Dog

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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself... oh, and big red communist mutant canines of course.”
~ President Franklin Roosevelt on his famous "We have nothing to fear but fear and red ploys to destroy our nation with mutant canines" speech.
“I'd hit that...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Clifford the Big Red Dog
.
“In Soviet Russia, Clifford throws sticks at YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Clifford the Big Red Dog
.


Cliff2

Clifford the Big Red Menace. RUN CHILDREN, RUN!

Clifford the Big Red Dog, or as he was known to Russian scientists in 1967, Experiment JJ-7V-TC38, was a mutation experiment developed gone horribly right by early Soviet geneticists. He was summarily executed by the American government following a fixed show trial, then resurrected by Wal-Mart in 2101 A.D to become Sultan of the Wal-Mart greeters and supreme Overfiend of Moz.

edit Creation

Experiment JJ-7V-TC38 was originally conceived as a mechanical doomsday weapon which could be used to destroy the Nazi military should the war continue and the pathetic Western bourgeoisie pigs failed at destroying the scum of imperialist fascists. The idea was put on hold with the end of the war and the public denouncement by Nikita Khrushchev of former Super-Soviet Joseph "Big Mamma" Stalin, whom had conceptualized the original prototypes and even began working on a functioning model in Joe's Garage.

Eventually, the idea of a mechanical dog was scrapped due to advances in American genetic science that the U.S.S.R managed to steal U.S.S.R genetic science that made for a much more subtle and insidious plan. Khrushchev decided to create a dog which, after a while, would eventually grow to enormous proportions, capable of mass destruction of American military and civilian facilities, weakening the West for a Soviet land invasion. In order to pay tribute to the motherland, Krushchev altered Clifford's genetics so that his fur would produce the same color pigment as his dick. Clifford's collar would also contain a giant EMP device, capable of knocking out American nuclear retaliation (it is also theorized that he had an Ultraman style lazer implanted in his mouth to shoot down said missiles, but this has yet to be confirmed).

The dog was finally grown in November of 1967, completed with Red fur and an underlying hammer and sickle tattoo. He was packed away in a box and shipped into the United States covertly by UPS, the collaborative pet-delivery wing of COMintern and the KGB. However, while he was being shipped over, he smashed open the box and trashed the ship, getting rid of some waste on the debris. He swam the rest of the way.

edit Clifford's Big Red Mission

Clifford the King

Clifford expressing his enormous desire to rule the WORLD.

Once safely in America, Clifford was set to begin his mission with the objective of infiltration. Along with other unmodified puppies painted red, he was eventually adopted by Emily Elizabeth, charged by Supreme Soviet/Dalek of the time Yakov Smirnoff to safeguard the Soviet super weapon. Spreading the propaganda that Clifford grew from a little girl's love, his massive genetically altered growth spurts were easily bought by the uneducated and exploited American proletariat as the after effects of excess adoration.

After all, how else do we get giant freaks of nature?

Relocating to Birdwell island off the coast of Florida for easy communication with KGB agents in Cuba, Clifford joined his fellow genetically altered agents, Cleo and T-bone, both capable of transmitting voice commands through a set of altered vocal chords, now that the Soviets had mastered the stolen genetic technology behind the Big Red Menace.

Through a series of antics and various shenanigans fit for 11-minute cartoon shorts, Clifford won the hearts and minds of the American populace, earning a guest spot on "digitally enhanced" episodes of the Dick Van Dyke Show, I Love Lucy and The Honeymooners and being awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. Clifford was also awarded a Grammy award in this era for his hit album "Woof woof, bark woof", considered the most influential blue grass/death metal/traditional accordion polka album of all time and beyond.

Now a central pillar in American culture, Clifford began his campaign to weaken America from the inside out, beginning with his now infamous "Pwnage of Wyoming", which completely obliterated the "no-state-here" state. Reeling from the tragic loss of all the Wyoming-ers, President-Emperor Nixon ordered immediate nuclear carpet bombing, Command and Conquer Generals style, but, as predicted, the radio collar around Clifford's Big Red Neck disabled the missiles before they could reach their target.

Unfortunately for the Big Red Menace, a temporal strike team made up of Kim Jong Il's evil twin, Chuck Norris, the Non-Huffable Kitten and two Trolls managed to subdue and capture him before he could cause further mayhem, ending the genetic experiment's mission. God Bless America!!!

edit Show Trial and Execution

Clifford was tried by both the Supreme Court of the United States of America (currently known as the Super Friends League of Justice) and the entire Wizengamot with the exception of Dolores Umbridge, whom was currently frozen in an alternate universe by a warlock name Hurg.

The trial was fixed from the start, Clifford not being able to speak in his defense due to the "Alice in Wonderland Height Clause", which forbid any animated characters trademarked by Disney at any one time to enter a courtroom if they were over a mile in height. He was summarily expelled from Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry (which he didn't go to in the first place) and sentenced to be paraded through a Greek village at night covered in yogurt. Being deemed a "cruel and inhumane" punishment, Clifford was instead sentenced to be hung by his big red testicles upside down over the Grand Canyon while schoolchildren poked at him with a stick.

edit Resurrection

In the year 2101 A.D of the Third Treglath of President-God Sauron of Mordor, Clifford was resurrected by the Wal Mart Techpriest Enginseers, who refitted him with a mechanical heart, brain, spleen and testicles. This Clifford, known as Mecha-Clifford, was completely loyal to the capitalist pig dogs. He embodied his new master's fearsome will during the great Wal Mart Greeters Union Rebellion, after which he was promoted to Sultan of the Greeters, as well as overfiend of Moz, the cloning center from which all Wal Mart employees are grown into mature bourgeoisie slaves valued members of the Wal Mart family.

After thousands of years of hibernation after the eventual fall of the Wal Mart Empire, Mecha-Clifford awoke and took control of the Intergalactic Consortium of Space weasels, who now ruled over the proud Morlock sub-humans from the Jules Verne universe, taken into captivity after they traded their spacious underground tunnels for a single bead and were then killed for the bead which "rightfully belonged to the Consortium in the first place".

Using his Congressional Medal of Honor and Star of the Soviet Union, the last sources of metal in the galaxy, Clifford built the 28th Death Star, only to have it destroyed by Rebel scum, ironically the radical, left-wing, anti-imperialist descendants of Clifford's creators. He then constructed Death Stars 29 - 56 and 1/2 out of vasaline and his own fur.

Clifford then launched all his zigs and traveled to Termina (the country where the events of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask occurred). He later met his Terminian friends from when he began his Big Red Mission, eventually using their antics and shenanigans fit for 11-minute cartoon shorts to make 11-minute cartoon shorts which pretty much ended when John Belushi died.


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Clifford the Big Red Dog is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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