Cleopatra
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“ ... once you had been with Cleopatra , the rest of your life was a sad anti-climax. I just thought -'you lucky sod Antony' .”
~ Livy.
“...Cleopatra . Great name for a brand of cat food ! ”
~ Anonymous Advertising moron
“CLEOPATRA! COMIN' ATCHA! CLEO CLEO CLEO CLEOPATRA WOO!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Being drunk
She was the most famous woman in the world unless you count Madonna. Queen Cleopatra of Egypt was the hottest - and smartest - of Ancient World beauties. In her time she managed to seduce the powerful Roman generals Julius Caesar and Mark Antony but Cleopatra was always planning ahead. If they thought she was just their bit of 'Egyptian rumpy pumpy' , Cleopatra could combine active copulation with astute calculation . Romans be damned ! If she could straddle a Soldier of Rome - then doing the same to the world would be no problem. It was going to be the Age of Isis and a new Empire of Egypt with Cleopatra in charge.
[edit] Birth of a Beauty
Cleopatra Neon 'Pitta-Patter' was born around 69 BC in Alexandria , Egypt to Pharaoh Ptolemy 'The Loosest Flute in the Orchestra' and Cleopatra Jones, an African-American-Welsh political activist who was in the city on her gap year.
Sorry to say..this is probably not true. Cleopatra's real mother was likely to have been Cleopatra V - sister or half sister to her father. The Ptolemies had for the last three centuries had been marrying each other since their ancestor , the Macedonian general Ptolemy had grabbed Egypt in the big carve up of Alexander the Great's empire in 323 BC. Sometimes they had also married into the Seleucids - another dynasty of dysfunctional monarchs who ran Syria and claimed their authority from another one of Alexander's generals but , by and large , the Ptolemies agreed that 'Inbred and Proud of It' was their family motto. They also believed in killing each other at every opportunity and that had remained a popular method to cut down on family expenses like retirement pensions.
The young Cleopatra was therefore born in a family where only the strongest was going to survive. She was a classic middle child - two older sisters called Berenice and Cleopatra 'Tympanium' and a younger one known as 'Arsy' Arsinoe. Cleopatra also had two cheesy younger brothers called Ptolemy Philadelphia Full Fat and Ptolemy Philadelphia Low Fat . Neither who could be labelled as bright at all and make it worse for Cleopatra, the elder 'Full Fat' brother was going to marry her when his balls dropped.
[edit] A Nest of Vipers
Whilst her father liked playing the flute - and also having someone whistle a tune on a more personal instrument - Egypt as a nation was showing less life the thousands of mummies they had rotting inside countless forgotten tombs . Ptolemy's nimble fingers had already got him a recommendation from Roman officers who would sail over from Rome for a bit of rancid fun with the old fool. Watching her father's regular humiliations to the 'All Conquering Rome' - Cleopatra said she didn't want to end up like him and hoped to one day to get the Romans running to her instead.
Cleopatra had very few friends as she was growing up and preferred to hang around in snake pits where she learnt the art of 'Cobra Charming' and to wiggle her hips like a serpent , wrapping its body around a victim. One day when Cleopatra's mother told her off for dressing like a peasant - the young Cleo had run to her snakes to 'avenge her'. They duly did and slithered in her mother's bedroom and strangled the poor woman. Cleopatra was shocked but secretly she knew it was her who had encouraged her serpent friends to commit the deed.
[edit] Palace Revolution
Cleopatra's life was changed in 58 BC when her father was deposed in a palace coup organised by her older sisters. They hated him for moaning about their choice of boyfriends and music - so Berenice and the elder Cleopatra 'Tympanium' organised a rebellion whilst their father was in Rome entertaining the senators there with his lewd dances and flute playing. On this particular trip Ptolemy had taken along little Cleopatra as his 'cute dancing mascot. When he heard the news that his daughters had pulled a fast one on him - Ptolemy went into a sulk and contemplated throwing himself in the Tiber. Only the young Cleopatra stopped him doing it,
Back in Egypt Berenice had already contrived to get rid of her sister Cleopatra Tympanium . She tricked her sister to go on a blind date to meet a mysterious Nubian prince via a concealed patch of quicksand. This left Berenice free to marry her old boyfriend Archelaus , a handsome local nightclub owner . However Berenice's advisors said he was 'alley trash' and instead recommended she went husband hunting in Syria to see if there were any spare Seleucid princelings knocking about . Eventually someone turned up claiming to be 'Prince Seleucus of Antioch' and claimed Berenice's hand. However Berenice said this particular 'prince' seemed remarkably coarse and he also smelt of pickled fish. So on her wedding night she had Seleucus choked to death on a kipper , dumped in the Nile and then ran back to her old lover.
This was the wrong move by Berenice . Whilst she was off with Archelaus on a snorkelling holiday in Sharm Al Sheik , her father arrived back in Egypt with a Roman army and retook the throne . Archelaus was killed whilst Berenice pleaded she had been a 'bit too hasty' about booting her dad out and asked for a second chance. Ptolemy may have had an ear for music but certainly not one for mercy and Berenice was promptly executed. The young Cleopatra watched all the gory proceedings and then danced for her father as her sister's headless corpse was dragged out.
Ptolemy lived on a for a few more sordid years , playing a few more flute recitals to an audience of bored eunuchs before his own death in 51 BC. His final message to Cleopatra was 'Marry Your Brother, Be Careful with Rome and Keep Charming The Snakes'.
[edit] The Carpet Queen
Now Queen of Egypt with her brother Ptolemy Philadelpha Full Fat , Cleopatra immediately made an impact when she announced that Alexandria would now be the 'Las Vegas' of the Ancient World. She ordered the construction of casinos , pole dancing clubs (called 'Cleopatra's in her honour' ) , nightclubs and sent invitations to rich Romans and others to come there for a 'A Real Dirty Weekend of Gambling, Fun,Sex and More Gambling'.
Naturally there were soon boatloads of cash arrogant Romans arriving in Alexandria's harbour and asking the way to the 'entertainments' . Many made their way to the ever popular 'Pharos All Night Club and Lighthouse' situated at the entrance of the main harbour. Within just two years Egypt's income had quadrupled and the country was back in the black economy.
However Cleopatra's business acumen was deeply resented by her sniveling brother Ptolemy and his main ball carrier - Chief Eunuch Pothinus Sanstesticulus . They were traditional conservatives ('Tradcons') who wanted Egypt to return to the glory days of Ramases and 'Ram Raiding' the Middle East . The Tradcons looked down their noses on the Romans and boasted about their 3,000 years of recorded history. It was just a shame to them that the Romans had the most efficient army in the area.
The rivalry between the Cleopatra and Ptolemy came to a head when they learned that a particular sweaty faced man who had turned up to take his chances on the Alexandrian roulette tables was revealed to be the Roman general and politician Pompey the Great . He was on the run from Julius Caesar and his legions after losing in a poker tournament hosted by Lady Gaga in Greece. Alone and desperate , Pompey tried to buy some more credit from the casino but was told to report to the manager's office where he was sent upon and murdered. Pompey's head was cut off put in the 'defaulters filing cabinet' - which was actually a refrigerator full of the body parts of other luckless gamblers that week.
Fearing that this was the start of a general bout of nastiness against gambling (and gambolling) Romans in general - Cleopatra packed her snake and flute and fled to friends outside Alexandria . She was lurking there when she received news that Julius Caesar and a party of 5,000 Roman soldiers had just arrived in Egypt looking for Pompey. Hoping perhaps that Caesar would remember her as that 'funny little girl' dancing in Rome - Cleopatra sent a message to Casear that she 'would appreciate their help in getting back her throne and would he take a carpet on part payment of her debts to mighty Rome.'
[edit] When Cleo Met Julie (Again)
Cleopatra soon managed to find the entrance to the Casino where Julius Caesar and his soldiers were waiting for a drink as they watched some tired pole dancers. To keep him amused - Ptolemy's minister Pothinus brought out Pompey's head in a ice bucket and a complimentary bottle of champagne. However when he saw his old rival's frozen noggin - Caesar broke down in tears and remembered a joke that Pompey was always keen to 'get ahead' in the Roman republic.
Just as was about to order his soldiers to ransack the place - a carpet was brought in and out tumbled Cleopatra - with her snake and flute. Ptolemy's friends were horrified but Cleopatra quickly reached her instrument and played 'Cleopatra's Song ' - a quirky number which quickly entranced Caesar and the snake. He ordered the casino be cleared and sent a message to Ptolemy that Rome was pleased that the Roman civil war was now apparently over and that he ordered Cleopatra be restored to the throne of Egypt
Cleopatra for her part was glad to receive Caesar's backing and decided that she would also become his lover despite his notorious bisexual reputation. This promptly broke the truce between her and her brother who now left the city to collect an army to drive the Romans out and kill Cleopatra.
[edit] End of A Dead Tree Collection
Caesar had just allowed most of his army go on an extended leave to the 'fleshpots of Syria' when the rebellion broke out. He and Cleopatra only had a small force but they managed to barricade the doors to the Pharos Nightclub and waited for reinforcements. Joining Ptolemy and his Tradcons was Cleopatra's younger sister Arsinoe who had resented her sister ever since they had rowed over a pair of shoes. Now she too swore to murder Cleopatra and take over her fancy wardrobe.
However neither sister was to wear these clothes again. A warehouse where the royal clothes were stored was set alight by a mob but then spread to Alexandria's Famed Lending Library with its extensive collection of Greek Classics . In the flames perished the only known copies of Aristotle's Book of Jokes but also Plato's 'I Had A Funny Turn on My Way to the Parthenon' and virtually all of Sophocles works. The Romans claimed that most of the stuff destroyed was really a pile of pornographic Papyri collected by the Ptolemies in the past and therefore no great loss to anyone.
Luckily for the besieged Romans , it turned out the Egyptian soldiers were not very well organised. The Tradcons were quickly crushed by the ruthless returning legionaries whilst Ptolemy Philadelphia Full Fat ended up on the bottom of the Nile when he tried to swim to safety in his golden armour. Only Arsinoe was left and she was captured alive and posted to Rome to take part in Caesar's planned Triumph .
Cleopatra was reluctant to see her lover leave but she told her friends that Caesar was considering her application to extend her gaming/casino entertainment business to Rome. Though obliged by Egyptian custom to place her other brother - Ptolemy Philadelphia Low Fat - on the throne as a co-ruler , Cleopatra was now really in full control of her country. She could now also celebrate the birth of her son 'Little Caesar' or Ptolemy Caesarion Caesar as he was officially called. He is said to have looked just like his famous dad - though others said Caesarion was really 'a rug maker's son' .
[edit] Cleopatra and the Romans
Whilst she was busy reorganising Egypt and showing everyone there that she meant business , Cleopatra kept up with the news from Rome. She waited for Caesar to have his Triumph and turned up with a spectacle to wow all of Rome. Crowds chanted 'Cleo ! Cleo !!' as her army of slaves squirted the smellier Romans with fragrances to help the nostril sensitive Queen navigate her way through Rome's rather squalid little back streets.
Caesar - who still had an official Roman wife in the matronly shape of Calpurnia - split his time between his young lover and old trout. Cleopatra also had her own list of demands - starting with a swift death of her sister Arsinoe and the granting of a super casino license in Rome. However Caesar was still always a politician first and lover second and instead allowed Arsinoe to live in exile in Ephesus to run the Temple of Artemis there . He also discretely discredited Cleopatra's dream to turn the Rome Forum into the' Cleopatra Pole Dancing Centre'. The local authorities turned down her plans and also suggested the Eqyptian Queen was 'morally repellent' and made it plain that a future submission would equally be dismissed. Angry and feeling that perhaps Caesar was playing her double , Cleopatra stormed out of Rome and returned to Alexandria to 'consider her options'. The only one who seemed to want her stay was Mark Antony who she had already twigged (and twittered) had the secret hots for her. But Cleopatra wanted that particular kettle to simmer rather than boil right now.
It was back in Egypt that Cleopatra got the news that Julius Caesar was dead. A distraught Cleopatra wished to return to Rome but received no invitation to the funeral. So to make her feel self better , she poisoned her bratty brother Ptolemy Philadelphia Low Fat who was starting to get bit older and might want to carry out his dynastic duty. This just left her sister Arsinoe alive and Cleopatra at the moment was powerless to kill her 'lurvly sister' . But perhaps Antony would be her man for that task.
[edit] Have Barge - Will Travel
Cleopatra waited for the outcome of the civil war between the Triumvirate and the Republicans in Greece .When she heard who had won Cleopatra sent a singing telegram to the winning generals Mark Antony and Octavian who gave them an instant victory poem to celebrate their success. Octavian wasn't impressed but Antony liked the song and decided to move to Tarsus in Asia Minor to 'mop' up recaltriant republicans and to be nearer Cleopatra.
However Cleopatra decided to 'take the Roman by the family jewels ' and arrived in Tarsus on her specially decked out 'love boat' . It was built to impress and made a grand entrance with fireworks, music bands , dancers and a travelling circus. On one level of her luxurious barge , Cleopatra had a gaming area set aside so that visitors could play games like 'Ptolemiac Poker' and 'Gin Mummy'. Cleopatra sent out the prettiest of her slave girls and boys into Tarsus with flyers to get the punters in and soon her barge was heaving with happy gamblers losing their money.
Antony remained aloof , aware that Cleopatra was trying to entice him onboard her barge. However as more and more of his generals deserted their posts and went to try their luck on the floating casino , Antony knew he had to go along and met her.
Once Cleopatra saw Antony arrive - she changed into her best 'Bloke Bait' dress , little 'minxy sphinxy' number she was sure would impress. Cleopatra came out to meet Antony on an ivory throne carried by four huge slaves. Then a eunuch stepped forward and read out a speech of welcome:
Hail Mark Antony. The Conqueror of the Republicans, Master of his own kitchen and the One Third Ruler of the Roman World. Queen Cleopatra Bids You Welcome. I Trust You Have Brought Some Money to the Gaming Tables Tonight !
Antony then bowed and made his speech in return:
They Say You Are the Most Beautiful Woman In The World Queen Cleopatra. I am Mark Antony , the revenger of Julius Caesar and his best buddy in Gaul and Britannia. I welcome you to Tarsus. I will cancel the mooring fees if you give me on credit - 20,000 gold pieces to play tonight.
Cleopatra's sevants then had put a large box full of best quality Egyptian treasure for Antony to get his grubby paws on and inside was a note. Meet Me Behind the Wheelhouse For The Hottest Hump Of The Century.
Antony was hooked like a kamikaze fish that cannot resist just one more little worm. Cleopatra had her man and his signature on something else important . This was an instant death order to be sent to be sent to Ephesus to finish off Arsinoe . Now Cleopatra really was the undisputed Queen of Egypt - but she wanted a lot more than that.
His eyes misted over with desire and drink , it took Antony a few minutes to realise that the woman who was an enjoying sexual pleasures with was actually one of Cleopatra's effeminate servants wearing her dress. Antony roared in anger when he had found out that he had been fooled by Cleopatra but she was only teasing her 'Roman conquest. It also proved true her bet that Mark Antony really wasn't too fussy who he had - as long as he got his 'oats' in the end.
[edit] He's Going to Marry Who ??
Whilst he was wallowing in post coital turpentine (the barge had run out of the more agreeable turpitude) , Antony was handed a phone by one his officers with an urgent call from Octavian...
Errr..Antony..Tony my love. Got a bit of a problem with the Republicans again. I know you don't like me but if they get me - you will be next.
Antony then left the barge without telling Cleopatra and made his way back to Rome to help out his fellow triumvirs Octavian and Lepidus. Cleopatra was unhappy that he had gone but was part mollified with confirmation that Arsinoe was definitely dead and the granting of a 24 hour casino license in Tarsus. So Cleopatra returned to Alexandria for some post remedial slave slapping to cheer herself up.
It was in Egypt where she got the news that Antony had married Octavian's sister Octavia and that now he was a reformed man and ready to settle down to 'smoking a pipe and walking the dog' or 'smoking the dog' and 'walking the pipe' (message may have been scrambled in transit) in Athens . Cleopatra went up the wall, over the roof and into the garden with royal rage. She smashed up the love barge where she remembered the fun and business she had enjoyed with Antony and ordered that nice statue he had sent of himself be smashed into a thousand fragments. Antony tried to sugar the bitter pill by sending a Good News Messenger who said 'Cleopatra's request for a nightclub next door to the Roman Senate' is under serious consideration ..' and the Bad News Messenger who had to deliver a report on of Antony and Octavia's wedding without having his head kicked in by a furious queen was of no avail. But Cleopatra had suffered a defeat and she was reduced to hurling insults at her staff and cursing Octavia as that 'frigid fat faced farmer's fancy who could curdle milk with one stare'. In other words - Cleopatra was mightily pissed off !
[edit] Seduction of a Roman - Part 2
Cleopatra hadn't given up hope in getting Antony back so she sent a series of anonymous 'dirty messengers' who would turn up in Athens and would then graphically describe what the Queen of Egypt was up to with her slaves. Antony tried to shut his ears to the stories and tried to act like the happily married man with Octavia. They even let the gossip magazine 'Saluta' to run an issue with declaring 'How Much Antony and Octavia Were Happy ' and now had two daughters as 'fruit of the loins' to prove it.
But if the Queen of Egypt wanted her man , she would get him - and remembered that she had the pin number to Antony's Popularity Account in Rome. That way she contrived to withdraw all his goodwill and deposited into her personal bank in Alexandria. Antony who wasn't one with figures , saw that that his popularity ranking was slipping and decided that the best way was to go to war against some barbarians. Only problem he was completely skint . A bad run at the 'Gaming House of Zeus' (run by Cleopatra's company) hadn't helped either. So one day he slipped out of Athens and headed to Alexandria - leaving a note on the dining couch that he had 'Gone To Egypt To Raise Some Dough. Will Be Back in Time for Tea'.
[edit] Reunited and Ambitious
The moment Antony's boat arrived in Egypt , Cleopatra laid on a massive party and treated him like a conquering hero. More than that , Cleopatra formerly set up a throne for him so that they could now be the gods Isis and Osiris incarnate. She also gave a big hint that they should disappear back home and get down to creating their own mini pantheon of gods
Once she heard that Cleopatra was 'playing the trumpet' in bed with her husband, she left Athens and headed back to Rome see her lawyer. She dragged along the couple's daughters Antonia the Elder and Antonia the Younger (the ancient world was pretty hopeless at the idea of giving people different names). She wanted to 'sue Antony's ass' there and then - for child support and domestic cruelty. Though Octavian was pretty keen to rubbish his rival's name , there was still a group of Anthony supporters in Rome and they were clamouring for an 'accommodation' with Antony and Cleopatra . They also added a wish to see one of Cleopatra's 'Super Casinos' would come to Rome as well.
Cleopatra for her part was spreading the name of 'Antony & Cleopatra' as a quality brand name for gambling and sex. If the Egyptians were pretty poor soldiers - at the least they knew how to make a good time go a long way. She had the money and Antony was her willing accomplice.
Antony and Cleopatra then made something of a royal tour from Alexandria , all the way up to the Roman-Parthian border near Armenia. Everywhere they passed through the local monarchs or Roman governors were given large rubber stamps to approve the opening of various 'Antony & Cleopatra Entertainment Multiplexes'. One venue they were keen to open a 'Gentleman's Club' was the complex known in Jerusalem as 'God's House', 'The Temple' or 'Voice of the Burning Bush'. However Herod the Great who was now King of Judea managed to persuade Antony from going ahead with the plan - he suggested that God wasn't keen to share his dressing room with a troop of naked dancers from Asia Minor. Cleopatra was sure Herod was really planning to set up his own private casino there and noted that he had already started demolishing the old temple complex to start construction of something much grander.
[edit] Get Your Cat Stuffed Here !
The growing influence and gambling addictions of the Romans now got Octavian thoroughly worried. So many Romans were talking ship to the East to spend there money that treasury officials warned Octavian that his country would be broke in a year.
So Octavian decided to initiate a series of slanders about Antony and Cleopatra . He tried scaring Romans with the story that Antony and Cleopatra would demolish the city and erect a huge gambling complex on their site. This didn't seem to bother the Romans so Octavian came up with a scare story. If Rome let the Egyptians into their city - everyone's pet cat would disappear and it would be sent back to Egypt to get stuffed. This led to crowds of anxious Romans to head to the Forum with banners saying ' Leave Our Pussies Alone' and 'Just Say No To Mummy This Time'. Octavian was happy. He now had a 'Causi Catos ' and could tell the Egyptians to 'go stuff themselves'. It was going to be war.
[edit] Antony Is No Actium Man
War was declared so Antony and Cleopatra sailed to Greece with a huge fleet to take on the Romans . They once again used their old trick of taking a few floating gaming centres to entice the Romans to desert their ships and to take 'a punt' on a quick gamble. However, because of treachery or bad luck , the gambling galleys missed joining the main fleet and disappeared towards the Pillars of Hercules at the other end of the Mediterranean. Robbed of this weapon , Antony's fleet was crushed . Canny as ever , Cleopatra kept her best boats in reserve and returned to Alexandria.
Antony had now lost his main army and when his soldiers decided to desert him Egypt , he asked one of his bodyguards to kill him. Cleopatra was a bit sad but she was also a strong woman and decided that if she couldn't take on the Romans in battle , perhaps her charms would work on Octavian . Failing that she could offer him a stake in her business. Cleopatra even asked her sign writers to replace 'Antony & Cleopatra' with 'Octavian & Cleopatra' in anticipation she could pull it off a 'merger'.
However Octavian was not having that. He realised that Cleopatra wasn't really his type of woman anyway and only wanted to bring her back to Rome to grace a triumph. He would give her a choice of chains - gold or silver , and perhaps a retirement villa in a dull part of Gaul reserved for obnoxious foreign rulers like her if she played her part in the victory show.
Cleopatra tried to avoid her fat and sent Ptolemy Caesarion away from Alexandria to avenge her but the young lad was betrayed and executed by the Romans. By then Cleopatra was already dead. She had called in her favourite Asp (also known as Roger) and let him do his 'snakey things'.
[edit] End of Ancient Egypt
Cleopatra's death in August 30 B.C. was such a happy time for Octavian that years later he made it his favourite month and renamed himself 'Augustus' . Cleopatra and Antony were buried together in a tomb and then forgotten about. Octavian announced a takeover of Cleopatra's gaming empire and renamed it 'Caesar's Entertainment and Leisure Corporation' and would later expand into the gladitorial games business and burning religious dissenters (i.e.Christians). That was for the future. Now Ancient Egypt was Octavian's personal property and he started to use it to write out cheques so that he could make the Roman Empire 'snazzier' and a lot grander.
[edit] Famous Affairs
Cleopatra was notorious for her numerous affairs with celebrities and nobodies alike. When she died , a black book was discovered and was said to list all her lovers in order of how they performed in bed/on the floor/ well..everywhere. Strangely Mark Antony wasn't the top name - that was reserved for Jennifer Lopez - though how and where the two met isn't known. Also in there were Socrates, Bill Clinton , Michael Jackson and Prince. Eddie Izzard's name was crossed out and Mark Twain overwritten with K-Fed.
Since the book was made public - historians have doubted if Socrates was a true lover and now think Cleopatra must have meant Herodotus. The big oddity is that Julius Caesar's name was not included.
[edit] Cleopatra in Art, Fiction, Films, Cartoons etc etc
Cleopatra's fame during her lifetime and the later legends/tabloid stories/lies about her afterwards has meant that she has never gone away in popular imagination. Some admired her for taking on a lot of powerful men and taking most of them for a ride except a few odds and sods.
The Christian church naturally took a dim view of Cleopatra - and would cheer every time they read of her defeat by Augustus. She was the opposite of a Good Women in their eyes . An uppity, incestous , snake charming killer who used her body to get her way were some of the nicer things they wrote about her. However Cleopatra's image was still popular - so in an attempt to diminish her standing, the church come up with a bogus martyr who was supposed to have died in the 4th century . It wasn't much of a story - and this St.Cleopatra was a pretty pathetic substitute.
Since then artistic representations of Cleopatra have usually shown her as a bit of tart - turning men into jelly every time they got a whiff of her perfume. She was an erotic template , a tentpole creator for men's lustful desires and the emasculator of manly virtue. Now Cleopatra's name is used for crap cosmetics or sleazy saunas. Perhaps Cleopatra wouldn't have minded that - at least people would still be talking about her !
[edit] What Happened to the Asp ?
Following the death of Cleopatra - Roger the Asp had to make it's own career in the world as a street performer , living in a wicker basket and listening to some decrepit old musician wake them up by playing the flute out of tune. The snake did pretty well until around 400 AD in Egypt when the influence of the Christian Church demanded that snakes lose their rights as licensed entertainers. Roger the Asp found itself on a downward spiral resulting in subsisting on a diet of mice and finally, in a fit of depression, Roger hung himself with its own tail.
[edit] Notes
- Contemporary coins apparently show Cleopatra with a hooked nose, round and apparently very fat. Of course these could be fakes put out by her enemies.
- It is a common fallacy that Shakespeare wrote a play called Anthony and Cleopatra. This is a complete and utter lie! He nicked it off Morecombe and Wise literary geniuses that they were.
- Herodotus on his travels recorded that he saw friezes and statuary dedicated to Antony and Cleopatra. He didn't know what this meant as he had been dead for the last 400 years.
- Cleopatra's dad was 'a bit of lad' writes Cicero. One wonders how he knew.
- As you can see - Cleopatra came from a very unsympathetic family.
- The carpet Cleopatra came rolled up in was later one of the trophies displayed by Emperor Augustus in the Palatine Palace. However it's supposed 'aphrodisiacal' qualities got it banished into a cupboard where it is said Messalina found it in 41 A.D.
- The exiled poet Ovid, who was also said to have rejected Octavian's advances, was said to have written a fourth book to his "Ars Amortoria" in Alexandria based on Cleopatra's 'Good Snake and Sex Guide'.
[edit] See Also
 | The complete works of William Shakespeare |
|---|---|
| Tragedies: | Romeo and Juliet | Macbeth | King Lear | Hamlet | Othello | Titus Andronicus | Titus Androgynous | Julius Caesar | Antony and Cleopatra | Coriolanus | Troilus and Cressida | Timon of Athens |
| Comedies: | A Midsummer Night's Dream | All's Well That Ends Well | As You Like It | Cymbeline | Love's Labour's Lost | Measure for Measure | The Merchant of Venice | The Merry Wives of Windsor | Much Ado About Nothing | Pericles, Prince of Tyre | Taming of the Shrew | The Comedy of Errors | The Tempest | Twelfth Night | The Two Gentlemen of Verona | The Two Noble Kinsmen | The Winter's Tale |
| Histories: | King John | Richard II | Henry IV, Part 1 | Henry IV, Part 2 | Henry V | Henry VI, part 1 | Henry VI, part 2 | Henry VI, part 3 | Richard III | Henry VIII |
| Poems and Sonnets: | Venus and Adonis | The Rape of Lucrece | The Passionate Pilgrim | The Phoenix and the Turtle | A Lover's Complaint | Sonnet 18 |
