Claude Vorilhon

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DrunkRael

A very drunk Rael receiving a scalp massage.

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Claude Vorilhon.

Raël is a grey alien formerly known as Claude Vorilhon. Vorilhon was a French film critic and self-described "race car driver" until he was contacted by aliens. Vorilhon's close encounter would be remembered as the first step in an agonizingly stupid and confusing journey from being a nobody... to being a somebody.

edit Life as a Human

Vorilhon grew up in Avingnon, the offspring of the former pope's favorite concubine and a humble cobbler who loved his wife despite her infidelity. Vorhilon was schooled in the countryside, where he excelled at French and Alpha-Centaurian. His great skill in foreign languages gave him an opportunity for self-improvement few sons of cobblers ever have - a full scholarship for the University of Paris.

He left public school for the university at age seven. Once there, little Claude astounded his professors with his seemingly inborn knowledge of genetic engineering, chemistry, biology, foreign languages, and the manufacture and abuse of hallucinogenic drugs. Though he had obtained a "free ride" scholarship, Vorilhon found part-time work as a film critic and test driver of Shriner cars in order to pay for his tuition. Vorilhon was so gifted and motivated that he decided to pursue two degrees. Many uneventful years later, upon the eve of his graduation with two PhDs (one in genetic science and the other in divinity) Claude Vorilhon ceased to exist.

edit Life as an Alien

A flying saucer sent to search for life on Venus picked up Claude's above-average brain waves and crashed into his apartment that night, horribly burning Vorilhon, dismembering him, and disfiguring him for life. He was then kidnapped, probed, put on life support, and sent to a concentration camp near the star Beetlejuice to mine concentrated sugar for his alien masters.

Once the aliens discovered they had accidentally captured an Earthling genius instead of a Venusian troglodyte, they released him from his bonds and allowed him to graduate from an alien university, the Radioactive Shrine of Wisdom of the Exalted Extraterrestrial Alien Masters from Beyond the Moon. He was the first cripple to do so. After graduating, Vorilhon subjected himself to reconstructive plastic surgery that would allow him to resemble his alien friends and changed his name to "Rael," which means "beautiful" in Romulan. Rael successfully integrated himself into alien society, but was soon forced to forsake it all to heed the call of God, the president of the Intergalactic Alien Empire.

edit Raelianism

Main article: Raelism

God had a mission for Rael - return to Earth, copulate with many beautiful Earthling women, snort many glittering Earthling drugs, and become the richest man on the planet by teaming up with world-renowned scientist Alex Chiu and offering immortality to the masses.

Rael pursued his goals with vigor, but discovered that his degrees in alien science and theology were not recognized by any authorities on Earth. Unable to find work or be taken seriously by Mr. Chiu, Rael became a shell of an alien-man and shuffled off to Lourdes with what was left of his broken dreams. One night after getting very drunk, he found himself the leader of a cult whose purpose was to clone the Olsen twins so that he might engage in pedophilic pleasures with them.

Understandably overjoyed, Rael reaffirmed his leadership position, convinced one of his cult bimbos to open a cloning company out of an abandoned parking garage, and sent an invitation to his alien friends. Soon, Earth would be overrun by the extraterrestrial scourge, Rael would force the University of Paris to recognize his degrees at lasergunpoint, and he would be the most powerful man on Earth.

Fortunately for the rest of us, we have superheroes to protect us and the aliens have been a little slow in arriving.

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