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“If it can go wrong, then it will go wrong, and at the worst possible time”
“If it can't go wrong, then it won't go wrong, until the worst possible time”
“The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong, is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong, it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair”
Classical Murphydynamics, also known as CMD, is the macroscale equivalent of QMD. CMD explains why the last place you look is always where you find what you're looking for, and many of life's other inconvenient mysteries.
edit Basic statement
The fundamental idea on which all Murphydynamics is based is that the least convenient outcome will always occur. In order to be reconciled with the Laws of Physics, this requires that convenience has energy. This means that it is always harder to achieve a convenient outcome, and that convenience is inherently unstable. This means that when convenience is converted into inconvenience, energy is produced. In a practical example, a bucket of paint on top of a door will hit the person who is wearing the most expensive clothing, as this puts it in the lowest possible energy state. It may be less convenient for a rock to suddenly fly up from the ground and hit your best friend's head, but the energy produced would be insufficient to launch the rock in the first place.
The condition that must be satisfied to test if something can go wrong is that the energy required to make it happen must be more than or equal to the energy obtained from the inconvenience. The energy obtainable is a function of the inconvenience caused, and is equal to the change in convenience, measured in fails (Ω), multiplied by the Murphy Constant. The Murphy Constant is represented by a noncapital Greek letter iota, symbolising the amount that anybody cares.
The Murphy force has been known since ancient times, where it often manifested itself as a tendency for lions to attack primitive hunters after they had left their caves! villages, or other places of safety. After this, it moved on to cause villages to be attacked while they were in the grip of a plague. A famous case of the action of classical Murphydynamics is the realisation of the Greek philosopher Archimedes about the displacement of water. The story goes that he got in a bath one day, and saw the water rise. The reason that the bath did not splash is that when he saw the water rise, he realised that he had displaced it, causing him to run down the street naked and shouting "Eureka" (Ancient Greek for "I've found it!"). This led to a belief that he was more than a little insane, and caused significant inconvenience for him thereafter (once he had recovered from the chill).
Probably the most major case of Murphydynamic weirdness dates from World War I. On this occasion, an Austrian foot soldier and messenger happened to be outside when the base he was in was bombed. Due to his earlier failure to enter art school, and subsequent survival of a mustard gas attack, he is now remembered by history as a brilliant leader and speaker. Why, one asks, did Murphydynamics not ensure that he remained inside? The answer is that, had Hitler (the soldier) been inside, the entire inconvenience of WWII could have been averted. The amount of energy required to generate this much convenience is huge.
edit Elementary particles
There are three particles which have significant bearing upon Murphydynamics: the unparticle, the moron, and the lesson. Other particles have been postulated, including the objection, direction, invention, option, attention, petition, champion, notion, decision, rebellion, evasion, cohesion, illusion, demotion, fashion, religion, inaction, confusion, onion, contradiction, fiction, lesion, ration, lotion, nation, tension, union, and assorted others.
The mediating particle of the Murphy force is the unparticle. Unparticles are present throughout the universe, but are less common near to areas with life in them. This is because inconvenience can only be experienced by conscious beings. Unparticles can be visualised as a physical manifestation of convenience, and are very heavy particles. They are also one of the only particles to influence the Murphy field, by which all consciousness is influenced. Near conscious life, the Murphy field requires more energy, and takes any opportunity to cannibalise unparticles. An unparticle deficiency is equivalent to an inconvenience, and are only generated by efforts to generate convenience. Unparticles also undergo strange interactions with the Murphy field in the vicinity of conscious beings. An interesting although inconvenient quirk (not to be confused with quark) of unparticles is the lack of interactions with any other particle, unless carried out by the Murphy field. Antiunparticles, when present, reduce unparticle abundance by annihilating them.
Morons are particles produced by the interactions of stupid people's consciousnesses with the Murphy field, which catalyse unparticle decay. Morons cause all unparticles in their vicinity to become unstable and eventually disappear, by collapsing into a strengthening of the Murphy field. The effect of morons on the local unparticles increases exponentially with their number, although occasionally exceptions may be found where two morons cancel each other out. No antimorons have yet been observed, possibly due to the convenience inherent in their presence. It may also be that we live in a region of the universe where the antimorons have been annihilated by a larger number of morons, and in other places antimorons dominate. These regions would be have a Murphy field of negative strength. However, as the existence of the antimoron is unproven, and the mechanism by which morons (and, presumably, antimorons) are generated remains unknown, it is impossible to test fully the properties of these strange particles.
The lesson is an even weirder particle. It appears to have no direct effect upon any other particle but the moron, and is produced by strange twists in the Murphy field, where stupid people will occasionally learn form the vast inconvenience generated by the morons in the vicinity. The lesson may actually be a manifestation of the Murphy field in the same way as the Higgs boson is of the Higgs field. That is to say, when enough convenience is lost and it's energy is thus released, it can collapse into a particle on it's own. A lesson will block the interference of morons less where there is a high density of them. However, a lesson with enough energy behind it (a "powerful" enough one) can permanently block affected morons from affecting a portion of unparticles. This is known in technical circles as "teaching" the morons. Lessons generally decay eventually, but can have prevented the decay of many unparticles in that time, effectively generating more.
edit Other Particles
Other particles postulated have included the objection, attention, decision, confusion and contradiction. However, none of these have been convincingly demonstrated to exist. If these particles were all acknowledged and studied independently, Murphydynamics would have to be relegated to the role of pseudoscience, which it is already, and rubbish, which it is not.
edit Quantum Applications
The unparticle is also extremely important to quantum applications. Not only do "shortcuts" and Murphy forces ensure that the least convenient outcome results from every experiment, but also additional varieties of quark and extra dimensions. Backwards causation and entanglement are also important quantum mechanical considerations in Murphy theory. However, most attempts by QMD to explain reality fail due to the convenience of quantum systems being quantified. The remainder are too inconvenient to be worth considering. However, the vast number of variables inherent in real-world explanations and their imprecise nature cause the uncertainty principle, and thus are the only possible source of an explanation for life (excepting the supremely inconvenient 42).
edit Practical Demonstration
This explanation for reality may be easily proven by a variety of methods. The more common demonstrations are listed below.
edit Making a Bet
The most ancient and powerful demonstration of Murphydynamics is the bet. It is a well-known fact that a bet with a 50:50 chance of going either way will always ensure that the person who can least afford it loses. If neither party cares, then classical probability reasserts itself. The effect of Murphydynamics is directly proportional to the amount that the interested parties care. Thus a coin toss deciding the fate of $5 will be affected far less than $50, unless it is more than 10x as important to the people tossing the coin.
edit Washing Socks
Anyone who has ever placed a few matching sets of socks in the washing machine knows that one sock will usually disappear, and that if unmatched socks are present initially, then they will always be present when the washing is removed. The presence of the unmatched socks indicates the low unparticle concentration. The disappearance of the socks is a clear demonstration of the Murphydynamic principles. However, the disappearance of only one of any matched pair can only be attributed to unparticle entanglement.
edit Unscientific Method
Due to the convenience required for any Murphydynamic demonstration to work under laboratory conditions, no Murphydynamic principle can be verified using the scientific method. For the is reason the unscientific method should be used. The unscientific method differs from the scientific method in the following respects:
- Experimental Bias
- The unscientific method requires that there be as much bias as possible in the experimental setup. Any experiment into Murphydynamics will be done to prove a point, and should be designed as such.
- Recording Results
- Definite results (or starting conditions for that matter) interfere with the Murphy field. Therefore, all data must be collected as general impressions by the experimenter.
- Results derived from the unscientific method should never be analysed. This will cause an anti-temporal Murphy charge, which may alter the results, and thus change the data. Any paradoxes caused by this are YOUR OWN FAULT! (If they aren't, they will still be blamed on you, since this will be less convenient.)
edit Practical relevance
Murphydynamics is present in very part of life. It can be seen any time you needy a a toilet and can't find one. It could be seen as bad luck, but is more likely Murphydynamics at work. Any annoying meaningless coincidence may be explained this way, as there is little that separates the outcomes. Even relatively large changes may be achieved by means of the butterfly effect, a chaos theory concept whereby a butterfly can flap its wings and change the path of a cyclone. Chaos theory does not, however, explain why the butterfly never diverts the cyclone away from the city it will hit. Murphydynamics postulates that the butterfly could do this, but that it is more likely to cause the disaster. The technical way to put this is that a counter-temporal convenience charge causes resonance with the probability timeline, thus mutating the possibility wavefunction. In laymans terms, the bad outcome becomes far more likely, just because it is bad.
“But hey, that's just the way the cookie gets completely stomped on and obliterated”
edit Inherent Contradictions
Murphydynamics has several inherent contradictions, but most noticeable are those between CMD and QMD. This occurs because it is inconvenient, and is thus required by Murphydynamics to occur if at all possible. Murphydynamics also explains the convoluted weirdness of quantum mechanics and relativity, as having two incompatible, complicated, and unintelligible theories is less convenient than anything else (any more and people would stop trying to understand).