Clarkson University
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| Clarkson College of Technology | |
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| Motto | Ruchnoy Protivotankovy Granatomyot! |
| Established | 2036, Opened 2015 |
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| School type | Public |
| President | Mr. Clarkson |
| Location | Moscow, New York, Russia |
| Campus | Gnu |
| Enrollment | {{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}} |
| Endowment | {{{endowment}}} |
| Faculty | 69 |
| Mascot | Trick |
During the year of 2036, in the massive technical metropolis known as Moscow, Clarkson College of Technology was built and completed as predicted by Time Traveling alumnus John Titor, and rap superstar Macho Man Randy Savage. They predicted an ominous figure by the name of Mr. Clarkson would be the campus' Chief Oppressor. Mr. Clarkson and his favorite pet Trick would end up capturing the Flying Spaghetti Monster in order to use its supreme and unmeasurable amounts of power to save Moscow from the Winter Gods. Since all of the students wished to be as powerful as the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but none could, some of its students use darts to prove their self worth, by using giant rubber bands to take a dart in the behind.
Clarkson College of Technology was later renamed to Clarkson University due to a typo. The printing company that produced the latest shipment of promotional materials had mistakenly mistyped "of" as "University" and omitted the words "College" and "Technology." Mr. Clarkson, already out the expense and with insufficient time to order reprints, decided to just roll with it.
Contents |
[edit] Buildings on Campus
[edit] Science Complex
The Science Complex provides power to the campus by utilizing a series of eighteen coal reactor core structures. Because of patented refining techniques, the emissions given off by the reactors are not black, but in fact, white. Traces of this white soot literally coat the entire geographical area surrounding the campus. The substance is powdery, cold, and often found in large evenly displaced quantities on the ground and all buildings respectively. At various times of the day during much of the year, this powder can be seen falling from the sky. Clarkson regularly assures inhabitants of the region that the substance poses no threat to anyone living nearby, though this has never been conclusively determined. Since it's construction the Science Complex has been slowly sliding down the hill towards the Woodstock Apartments. Students living in Woodstock have reported seeing the Science Complex begin to move towards them during periods of heavy rainfall. New campus plans call for the Woodstock Apartments to be removed to prevent any damage as the Science Complex makes it's way down the hill.
[edit] Snell Hall
Snell Hall is a Clarkson-owned building kept downtown entirely to waste money. The temperature in all rooms is kept at 124 degrees fahrenheit at all times to ensure that no one will dare use them. It has been superceded by Snell Hall, Second Edition.
[edit] Snell Hall, Second Edition
Snell Hall, Second Edition is a building designed to trap and kill students through various means. Careful design has lead the building to "unexpectedly" degrade putting students in harm's way, such as by randomly dropping lighting fixtures or ceiling tiles from above while no one is looking. Students moving about within the building are exposed to the harmful radiation shunted from the Science Complex through the raised "walkway" connecting the two structures. In case of emergency, the building is programmed to speak directions in a soothing voice and lead students into dead-end corridors, the basement, or the adjacent Gazebo.
The building was named after Bertrand H. Snell, but is often referred to by his nickname, Bernard H. Snell.
It is also a well know fact on campus that Snell Hall, Second Edition was originally designed to be built in New Mexico but when the supplies were accidentally shipped to Potsdam it was constructed here.
[edit] The "Library"
The "Library" is often referred to as the ERC (Easiest Routing Corridor), because it is not a library. It has been claimed that there is a library somewhere in the building, but it has never been found. The library serves as a small food court and the center of operations for the extensive high-speed fiber network that provides Clarkson with a local interweb mirror. It is also the primary corridor for all foot traffic between any two buildings on campus.
[edit] The Pit
The Pit is a hole in the ground near the bottom of the hill on which the campus sits. Particularly unlucky freshmen who do not pass their Intro to Lotteries class by the end of their first year are rounded up and dumped with their belongings into this hole. Most students do not survive the Pit and it has been Clarkson's most successful attempt at solving the ever-present housing shortage on the hill campus as well as over population in the United States. The only means of escape is a wooded path nicknamed the "rape trail." Students that manage to safely reach and activate the blue-light phone when it is not broken or run all the way up the steep incline without being captured are allowed to return the following semester.
[edit] Security
The campus is protected by two men, imbued with untold cosmic powers and a flashlight, that patrol the campus in a glorified Ford Escape.
[edit] Teachers
[edit] Dr. Jim
Dr. Jim is the only person on the face of the earth crazy enough to teach chemistry to freshmen and therefore he is the only person at Clarkson teaching chemistry to freshmen. Time in his class is equally divided between encouraging students to use the clickers, blowing shit up, displaying his dyslexia by confusing what he is writing on the board with what is in his notes and actually learning about chemistry.
[edit] Dr. Wick
Dr. Wick is an evil and diabolical man who spends all of his time when he is not teaching classes trying to devise test questions that are impossible to solve. In class he comes off as a very mild mannered and intelligent person however this is just a facade he wants to see all of the freshmen fail and does everything in his power to do so. Anyone who says that they do any better than a fifty on his tests are either lying or sleeping with the entire grading committee. An exampe of this test can be found here [1].
[edit] OIT
OIT (Offensive Internet Technicians) is Clarkson's service for rending all computers useless. OIT takes it's first stab at new students before they even arrive on campus through the laptop purchase program. Laptops available to students though OIT are built by DELL (Deadly Electronics Ltd.) or IBM (Improvised Bomb Mainframes). These computers are specially designed so that at a random time (generated at the first boot) the computer will shoot deadly beams into your eyes and then explode. If you happen to have one of these computers that has not reached it's detonation time it is likely that the evil spirits in the hard drive, motherboard, and batteries have converted your computer into a very stylish and expensive paper weight. If the evil spirits have taken control of your computer you have very limited options, the most effective of these is to toss your computer into the Pit (see above reference). The other option is to return your computer to OIT, the robots working there will preform an exorcism on it and give it back to you after a few days without any of your data or software and multiple new problems.
The other purpose of OIT is to control Clarkson's internet access. It is OIT's task to suppress the internet as effectively as possible and limit students access. When OIT is unable to suppress access to the internet they often turn to the mail server, rendering it impossible for students to read the OIT emails regarding the failure of the mail server. Despite the already slow connection to the internet, OIT has taken it upon themselves to slow students access to flash content even more. By limiting the rate at which flash content can be accessed during the day OIT forces students to remain awake nearly all night to acquire their required dose of YouTube.
