Clarinet

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A Typical 4544 keyed clarinet

“It just doesn't look right!”

~ Your Mom on Clarinet

“Your mom just doesn't look right!”

~ Trombone Player on Your Mom on Clarinet

“You just insulted your grandmother. I think.”

~ Me on the trombone player

The Clarinet, also called 'Death by long black stick', is a woodwind torture device used in the band. The clarinet relies on small, thin pieces of wood called 'reeds', which break more often than they actually play. Recently, the clarinet has also been used by the U.S. military as a lethal dual-purpose weapon. Some jeopardy contestants may also refer to the clarinet as a "large brass instrument" or "tuba". It is known by some (and denied by many) that the clarinet is one of the girliest of all musical instruments, even though Asian males are usually the most talented players.

[edit] Clar-a-nuts

this is a lie Clarinet players are sometimes called clarinetists

Their instrument (aka the misery stick) was designed solely to depress those that hear it. Saxophonists (aka the cool kids) will attack clarinetists on sight. Some of the more advanced clarinet players can be trained to play the saxophone. Sometimes found in jazz ensembles, but not because they play sweet jams; it's just clarinets are so uptight they're easy to bully into being the designated driver at any shin-dig. If touched by a trombone a reaction between badass and anti-badass particles unleashes a release of pure energy, destroying the universe.

[edit] History

The Clarinet was created during World War II by an unknown German soldier that wanted to celebrate Germany's victory over Russia by playing on his recorder. When he finally realized that he had never had a recorder, he decided to make one out of his shotgun. He modified his shotgun so that blowing into the muzzle would create a nice sound. He also added several buttons that could be pressed down to change the note being played. He had created the first clarinet. Unfortunately, he forgot that he still had a shell left in the shotgun, and when he played the first note, a middle C of perfect pitch, blew his head off.

At that point, another fellow soldier, Amadeus, walked into the room upon hearing such a perfect sound. Amongst the splattered brains, he found the modified shotgun. He then took it, and deserted the army with it. He fled to the New World, where music was not discovered yet. There he taught the primitive natives all about music, and along with the natives started to chop down all of their rainforests to mass produce more clarinets.

Right now, it is one of the instruments played most widely in US, along with drums and bongos. It is one of the causes trees are cut down so rapidly, due to the fact clarinets made from woods sound so freakin' good (better than the plastic ones... they sound like recorder ver. upgraded). Even John Williams wrote a Clarinet Concerto, taking a break from his busy schedule of composing music. JOHN WILLIAMS CLARINET CONCERTO

[edit] U.S. Involvement

Up until the war in Iraq, no one had thought about using the clarinet for non-peaceful purposes. The U.S. military however, had other plans. In 2004, Bush purchased 2 billion clarinets, and bought another 800 million in 2005. They had many reasons for using the clarinet, the main ones which are:

They are cheap weapons - Because no one south of the border makes over a dollar a day, clarinets can be made very cheap.
They can be played during joyous occasions - What kind of weapon lets you celebrate a kill with music? Show that n00b how much you pwn by playing a tune over his body!
Ultrasonic Pitches - A new strategy being used by soldiers is to play an extremely high and off tune note in front of the infidels (with earplugs on). The terrorists' eardrums will break, and holding the note for about a minute will make them go crazy. A further two minutes after this and their brains will start dribbling out of their ears.
Assimilation of Western Culture - The Iraqi culture is slowly diminishing as Western culture is being introduced. Clarinets are replacing the drums as the national instrument. All along Iraq, local Halal restaurants are being replaced with McDonald's, camels are being replaced by Grand Cherokees, and the youth is beginning to wear clothing that is too big for them. The clarinet was made by a young man of the name Ghosh Goshingoton.

[edit] Types Of Clarinet

The Rare Ultra-Hypercontrabass-Flute Clarinet (only available past level 89)

Piccolo clarinet (Otherwise known as "the one I used to shoot up heroin the other day")
Flute clarinet (Otherwise known as the flute)
Oboe clarinet (Otherwise known as "the duck")
Regular clarinet
Alto clarinet (Also known as the "moose clarinet")
Bass clarinet (Flat out, the best kind of clarinet ever conceived.)
Contrabassoon clarinet (An incredibly tall hollow tree trunk)
Octocontrabasstuba clarinet (An even deeper, larger, hollower tree trunk, often made from the seedlings of the Really Big Tree)
Zoidberg Clarinet (A clarinet that makes a distinctive "woop" sound)
Subhyperoctocontratubassoon Clarinet (A theoretical design, it is said to be made of the unoccupied space in the 6th dimension, using super strings from the 8th dimension as its body rather than wood)

[edit] Facts

1) The Clarinet doubles as a lethal weapon used to beat INFIDELS.
2) The death toll by Clarinet-reed-splinter-in-your-tongue is 0, because only a complete idiot would do such a thing.
3) The clarinetists primary method of birth control is their personality, they use their personality to defuse potentially erotic situations, thus preventing pregnancy or a social life.
4) People play clarinet because they are too lazy to make reeds for oboe. Point in case: Woody Allen.
5) The clarinet has the largest range out of any instrument (minus all brass players whose ranges are defined only by ability), it can play from a low E flat to a high C fifteen octaves above middle C. Some of the higher notes have been known to break small glasses, large glasses, vases, windows, glass sculptures, human ears,
6) Darth Saul Williams used a clarinet in his duel with Obi-San Rafiki and the Dalai Llama, of Three's Company fame.