From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The clarinet, also called 'Death by long black stick', is a woodwind torture device used in the band. The clarinet relies on small, thin pieces of wood called 'reeds', which break more often than they actually play. Recently, the clarinet has also been used by the U.S. military as a lethal dual-purpose weapon. Some jeopardy contestants may also refer to the clarinet as a "large brass instrument" or "tuba". It is known by some (and denied by many) that the clarinet is one of the manliest of all musical instruments, even though Asian males are usually the most talented players. But all clarinet players rock and are badasses. Especially girl clarinet players: they are the life of any band
The original Clarinet was created during World War IV by an unknown Alienetic soldier that wanted to celebrate Germany's victory over Russia by playing on his recorder. When he realized that he had eaten his recorder when the un-emergency rations were stolen by Robina Hood, he decided to fashion a wind instrument from his firearm. He modified it so that blowing into the opening of the barrel sounded somewhat like a dying Octopus. He also added four thousand buttons to confuse anyone who tried to play it. He had created the first clarinet. Unfortunately, he forgot that he still had a shell left in the shotgun, so when he figured out how to play above a concert G6, the supersonic vibrations set the gun off, which in turn blew his molecules into next Tuesday.
At that point, another fellow soldier, Amadeus, walked into the room upon hearing such a beautiful, melodious sound. Amongst the splattered brains, he found the modified shotgun. He then took it, and deserted the army with it. He fled to the New World, where music had not been discovered yet. There he taught the natives all about music, and along with the natives started to chop down all of their old growth forests to mass produce more clarinets.
edit Clarinets as weapons
Up until the war in Iraq, no one had thought about using the clarinet for non-peaceful purposes. The U.S. military however, had other plans. In 2004, Bush purchased 2 billion and 23 clarinets, and bought another 5 million in 2005. They had many reasons for using the clarinet, the main ones which are:
- They are cheap weapons - Because no one south of the border made over a dollar a day, clarinets could be made very cheap.
- They can be played during joyous occasions - What kind of weapon lets you celebrate a kill with music? Show that n00b how much you pwn by playing a tune over his body!
- Ultrasonic Pitches - A new strategy being used by soldiers is to play an extremely high and off tune note in front of the infidels (with earplugs on). The terrorists' eardrums will break, and holding the note for about 3 minutes will make them go insane. A further minute after this and their brains will get to a point where it can't cope with the sound and begin to malfunction. The reaction is quite similar to throwing someone in a vat of nuclear waste.
- Assimilation of Western Culture - The Iraqi culture is slowly diminishing as Western culture is being introduced. Clarinets are replacing the drums as the national instrument. All along Iraq, local Halal restaurants are being replaced with McDonald's, camels are being replaced by Grand Cherokees, and the youth is beginning to wear clothing that is too big for them.
edit Types Of Clarinet
- Piccolo clarinet (Otherwise known as "the one I used to shoot up heroin the other day")
- E♭ clarinet (A medieval torture (1124-1294) device that produces such a high pitch that the victim's eyes will pop)
- Flute clarinet (Otherwise known as the flute)
- Oboe clarinet (Otherwise known as "the duck")
- Regular clarinet (Also known as Bb Clarinet, very lethal.)
- Metal clarinet (Made of silver-plated brass instead of wood, it is almost always found in the hands of a jazz tenor saxophonist forced against his will to double on clarinet. As such, all "legit" clarinetists despise it.)
- Alto clarinet (Also known as the "moose clarinet")
- Bass clarinet (Also known as black saxophone. Obviously the coolest of the bunch.)
- Contrabass clarinet (An incredibly tall hollow tree trunk)
- Octocontrabasstuba clarinet (An even deeper, larger, hollower tree trunk, often made from the seedlings of the Really Big Tree)
- Zoidberg Clarinet (A clarinet that makes a distinctive "woop" sound)
- Subhyperoctocontratubassoon Clarinet (A theoretical design, it is said to be made of the unoccupied space in the 6th dimension, using super strings from the 8th dimension as its body rather than wood)
- Ultramonsoon was used to play very high pitch notes as it was the only clarinet which could do so
- Wisconsoon was a very fancy clarinet named after a famous person who was good at archery
- Golden Clarinet (Also known as the "soprano saxophone")
1. Thou art better than flute players.
2. Thou shalt not be friends with flute players.
3. Thou shalt chew gum in class while playing.
4. Thou shalt shoot people with thy blackstick when the directer is not looking.
5. Thou bass clarinet player shalt be best friends with the bassoon and tenor sax players.
6. Thou shalt steal and use a reed of thy saxophone player when thou runs out or thou is angry at said saxophone player.
7. Thou shalt be excited over a new reed, even if it was not worth the full extent of its $56.392 pricing.
8. Thou shalt play high to hurt other's ears.
9. Thou shalt play high notes only to make the saxophones and flutes envious.
10. Thou shalt be friends with baritones for baritones and clarinets are long lost mates and should be together whenever possible.
11. Thou shalt sacrifice a flute or saxophone player to the evil blackstick goddess.
12. Thou shalt be referred to as the evil blacksticks of death. If one questions thy name, strike them with thy blackstick.
13. Thou shalt tune out trumpets players completely and utterly.
14. Thou shalt stab others with thine blackstick if those said persons question thine superiority.
15. Thou shalt squeak obnoxiously.
16. Thou shalt be friends with tuba for tuba art as awesome as thou.
17. Thou shalt call any soprano saxophones "golden clarinets".
18. Thou shalt shoot soprano saxophones to get the jazz solos.
19. Thou shalt mention Benny Goodman, the King of Swing, if thine band members (mostly saxophones) argue that clarinets do not belong in jazz.
20. Thou shalt respect the saxes for they are friggin sexy - but only altos and tenors, for all others art unworthy of attention.
21. Thou shalt learn the Mozart's Concerto in A, and use it to annoy everyone in thine band.
22. Thou shalt never stoop so low as to ever want to play another instrument.
23. Thou shalt vow to end the trumpet section, sparing none of thine mercy upon the band's most egotistical players.
24. Thou shalt always blow as loudly as possible, especially when playing above the staff.
- 1) The Clarinet doubles as a lethal weapon used to beat INFIDELS.
- 2) The death toll by Clarinet-reed-splinter-in-your-tongue is 0, because only a complete idiot would do such a thing.
- 3) They are the best instrument in the band.
- 4) In the 2014 there have already been 27 reported clarinet stabbings.
- 5) People play clarinet because they are too lazy to make reeds for oboe. Point in case: Woody Allen.
- 6) The clarinet has the second largest range out of any woodwind- it can play from a low E to a high C five octaves above middle C. Some of the higher notes have been known to break small glasses, large glasses, vases, windows, glass sculptures, human ears, etc.
- 7) Darth Saul Williams used a clarinet in his duel with Obi-San Rafiki and the Dalai Llama, of Three's Company fame.
- 8) The only shame in playing the clarinet is that... oh, right, there is no shame in playing the clarinet.
- 9) In Warsaw, if you hold a clarinet to someone's throat they will hand over their money.
- 10) In South Oak Cliff, if one is seen walking down the street in "Da Ghetto", all the drug dealers will immediately shrink back into their hidey-holes out of pure fear of the noise.
- 11) Clarinet players usually grow up to be band directors, and not the good kind either. They normally know nothing about music besides the clarinet and wear sparkling blue bow-ties.
- 12) The clarinets can also be used as a tool for doing sexual things for both genders.
- 13 The clarinet was also used for people to practice blowing on to be ready to blow on something bigger in life.
- 14) Girls whose name is Clare and plays the clarinet are 1 out of 8 billion; in other words, they probably don't exist.
- 15) The clarinet is usually the 2nd most quiet instrument in the marching band (beside the flute); however, 1% of clarinet players are louder than half a trumpet.
- 16) Clarinets are the only instruments that are able to acknowledge and play all dynamics.
- 17) Most clarinet section leaders either don't care or are to be known as 'Clarinet Hitler' since they have a secret desire to bring about another Holocaust using only their clarinet.
edit See also
|Accordian - Air Drum - Air Guitar - Bagpipes - Band geeks - Bass - Bass Guitar - Bassoon - Cello - Clarinet - Cowbell - Drums - Euphonium - Fiddle -Flute - French Horn - Grand Piano - Guitar - Harp - Harpsichord - Kazoo - Learn Bass! - Learning the Guitar! - Left-handed noseflute - Lyre - Marching band - Oboe - Ocarina - Piano - Saxophone - Skin flute - Starting a band - Dog Fart Trombone - Trumpet - Tuba - Violin - Xylophone|