Clamen

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“Umm... Uhh... Yeah you might just want to get a little concerned about them... ”
~ Zeus on Clamen

Clamen are most notably one of the most forgotten of the seven sentient species of Earth. Clamen, or more uncommonly known as Clampeople, are a deep sea race of thinking, aquatic sea monsters that evolved from the animals of clam. They have been secretly and clamily evolving in the deep seas right under our very noses. Although like most of the seven sentient species of Earth (including Humans, Sasquatches, Birdman, Batman, Spiderman and Lizardmen), they do want world domination, so far they only have minimal demands of arpartment housing and pre-fried shrimp as they cannot make any fire under water. They do not pose much of a threat as they spend most of their time butting heads and seeing who can last the longest. They are known to invent the rugby and American football when several Clamen fought over a deliciously ripe melon. They also enjoy the music of both Beethoven and music from The Little Mermaid.

edit Homeland

Deep below the water of the Pacific Ocean is the mighty underwater city of Clammy in their ocean kingdom aptly named Clamydia. The common confusion of the city and the STD has had dramatic consequences to tourism, especially after the campaign to get more tourists to come to the city by Mayor Aquaman which simply consisted of large posters saying Get Clamydian Fever!. The city does support very popular tourist attractions like the Worlds Soggiest Chalupa Stand, the Worlds Lowest Average IQ, the Worlds Biggest Glass Statue of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and the Worlds Largest Toilet, which is the entire city as the excrements tend to float to the surface depending on fibre intake. Although public urination is still a spankable offence.

edit Culture

They have a very dull sense of culture as they are too dumb to uphold a consistent one. It mostly consists of pictures of plants stapled to sea paper of them butting heads from different angles. Their buildings are usually shaped like whatever the builder was thinking of at the time, so most houses are shaped like food, most notably shrimp or perhaps a small salad. The closest thing to a culture they have that does not exactly involve culture, is an affinity to overly violent sports like Grid Iron and Gladiatorial Arenas and then drinking rum after watching violence then participating in some themselves, which is not much unlike some Human cultures of Yemen and Eskimos. Despite lacking any sense of culture, they feel it their duty to mock most Human cultures for their lack of head butting and shrimp, all except France. Clamen seem to respect France as the French tend to run and hide when faced with war, just as a clam retracts into its shell.

edit National Anthem

After much debate and deliberation recently, the Clamen have once again changed their national anthem. They have decided that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme song is too discouraging to the pirates within the Clam society as they heavily out weigh the ninjas as they are an aquatic society. The Claman responsible fof the decision not long after died of a sudden and tragic Ninja star overdose in his home, but the decision remained valid. It was instead changed to the Great Chalupa Sea song made famous by the disembodied head of film noir legend Robert Mitchem in the popular internet cartoon The Cloak.

So on the winds we sail forth on the Sea of Chalupas. Chalupas! When out of the Ocean, The Chalupa King, He comes with his mighty bolt of electric lightning fury! My Chalupas I defend! From the king of the great Chalupa Sea!" With his hands of modern steam-powered engine of the future! $6.99 for a value meal! $6.99 for a value meal!

edit Appearence

They stand about 6 feet tall and are mostly pink, squidgy blobs held together by thick clam armour, with their head protected by a bivalve. They have weird shaped feet that resemble the Halo Elite legs. The Bungie artist has been quoted that he got the idea when he was Jellyfish fishing and a Claman with a squid on his head attacked him. He received third degree burns from Jellyfish (the preferred drug of the Clamen) overdose. The Claman has been quoted saying the squid attacked his face and he simply tried to use the man to pry it off his face, without noticing that the squid had been on his head for years already.

edit Colour

Mostly blue but some have been sighted being partly morone or blue depending on the colour of their clothing at the time.

“HEY, I AM NOT A MORONE! ”
~ A Claman on the accusation he was morone

edit Stature

Depends how much they have been working out.

edit Gender

Depends mostly on the Claman's mood as they have the ability to change genders. This also means all homosexual marriage is banned in Clamydia as it only takes a few hours to change gender. All homosexuals requesting marriage are ordered by most aquatic courts to be engaged in immediate slapping by family members and small, cruel children.

edit Taco

This has no real link to the appearance of Clamen but my Clamen supervisors have insisted on including this on the page.

edit Common Weaknesses & Fears

Whenever faced with needing to kill or possibly just annoy a Claman, here are a few things that you might want to keep in mind:

edit Weaknesses

  • Find something thicker than their head and bet them they can't dent it. They never turn down a challenge
  • Any part of them not covered in armour
  • NOT their crotch
  • Easily tricked and confused, always check if their shoelaces are tied despite the fact they never wear shoes
  • Mentioning Family Guy will have them mentioning jokes for hours
  • Mention the words 'turbulance' or 'chimney sweep'
  • Especially scares them upon mention of Mountain Dew, usually causes running and screaming

edit Fears

  • Emoes
  • Chuck Norris, then again most things are
  • Christians
  • Tartar sauce
  • Mountain Dew, it burns them like battery acid
  • Otters, a clams worst nightmare
  • Sushi bars
  • The Pope
  • Nutcrackers
  • The Christmas Nutcracker

edit See also

Clam

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