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Cirencester, Gloucestershire.

“I couldn’t half do with a bit of that Cornovii totty”
~ Coitus Maximus

Cirencester is a delightful Cotswold town in Gloucestershire, England with a population of approximately 19000. The town is situated 20 miles to the south east of the city of Gloucester and 20 miles east of Dursley.

edit History

In Roman times modern day Cirencester was known as Corineum and was the major Roman administration centre for western Britain. The name may derive from the local British tribe, the Cornovii. These were wild, unkempt, violent, drunken, brutish, uncivilised people, much like modern day Brits. They wore animal skins and painted their bodies in woad giving them a distinct blue colouration. Some academics believe they were the inspiration for the Smurfs.

The most significant Roman Governor was Coitus Maximus. Maximus was a beast of a man with a prodigious appetite for the ladies. He couldn’t keep it in his subligaculum. He had a particular fondness for the native British women. He was on twenty a day and decided to try and cut down. So he decided have one on the hour every hour. He had his first at eight in the morning with another due at nine. By half past eight he was gagging for it so he decided to have one then and postpone the next one until nine thirty. By nine he was still gagging and thought sod this for a game of Legionaries I have got have one now. ‘Why are these Cornovii so addictive!’ he cried.

His wife became suspicious when she noticed the Roman equivalent of lipstick on his collar – woad on his Toga.

edit Chedworth Roman Villa

Near to Cirencester is the 4th century Chedworth Roman Villa now owned by the National Truss. Here we can see the technology brought to Britain by the Romans - mosaics, bathhouses, latrines, under floor heating, double glazing and internet access.

edit Polo Club

The club foundered in 1896 is the oldest Polo club in the UK. The game was named after the eponymous VW of that name or as some scholars have it a mint with the hole. Tetbury posh totty like to attend the competitions to eye up the horseman in their tight britches.

edit Agricultural College

Now laughingly a ‘University’ foundered in 1840 one of the oldest Agri colleges. The students known as ‘aggies’ are despised by the locals particularly when the graduates celebrate getting their first class honours degrees in turnipology.

edit Car Club

Besides organising rallies and autocross the car club celebrates those car designers who have had dual careers.

Who can forget the iconic Austin A35 and A40 Farina designed by Jane Austin? Besides a gifted novelist Jane was also a motor engineer in her spare time.

There was also William Morris who besides being amongst other things a textile designer and poet designed the Morris Minor.

Cardinal Wolsey (sometimes spelt Wolseley) besides being a Roman Catholic Cardinal designed the Wolseley 16/60 and the 6/110.

That well known Rap artist (that’s rap with a silent ‘C’) EmGee designed the MG Magnette and the iconic sports car the MGB.

And who can forget Old Mother Riley? Despite a successful career in Music Hall and later film, Riley designed and built the Riley Kestrel and the Riley one point five.

edit Brewery Arts Centre

New Brewery Arts is for pretentious luvvies, darlings, sweeties everywhere. It is Gloucestershire's, and here try to fight down the gagging reflex, centre for visual and performing arts and crafts.

Daily demonstrations include glass blowing, textile weaving, ceramics, upholstery, bookbinding, stained glass production, and goat buggering.

One of the most controversial plays put on at the centre was ‘The Victim’ written by the third wave feminist Les Beehan and directed by Miss Ann Dronist.

The play opens with our heroine in bed, it is the morning of her birthday. The door opens and in walks her husband bearing a breakfast tray. On the tray there is a small teapot and teacup, fruit juice and smoked salmon sprinkled with dill. There is also a small vase containing a single pink carnation.

He bends forward to place the tray on her lap and wishes her a happy birthday. ‘Get away from me you sexist bastard she shrieks’. The tray and its contents are hurled across the room. ‘What is the problem?’ asks her husband. ‘How dare you patronise me as a women by suggesting I cannot prepare my own breakfast, you chauvinist pig’. ‘And how dare you put a PINK carnation in the vase, a clear example of gender stereotyping’.

‘Then you stood over me as you gave me the tray in a typical domineering phallocentric pose’. ‘According to the sisterhood THAT is an act of rape! ‘But darling I did not touch you’. ‘But you could have!’, she shouted. ‘You could have ripped off the bedclothes torn my nightdress and ravished me’. ‘Just like all women down the ages I would be expected to lie back and think of England’. ‘Since you are a meteorologist I would have had to lie back think of England, Southern Scotland and parts of Northern Ireland.’

She leaps from the bed seizing the heavy tray and then proceeds to beat her husband over the head with it. ‘This will teach you men that women will not tolerate domestic violence’, she bellows.

With her husband lying at her feet, his face and head covered in blood she smiles triumphantly. The theatre curtains close and immediately reopen.''

The all female audience erupts, hundreds of Doc Martin boots stamp in unison, lights glint on the metalwork of a score of dungarees. What a triumph!

The press are ecstatic:

“The sooner men are wiped from the face of the earth....the better”
“A tour-de-force”
“Misandronist Weekly ‘An object lesson in the brutal subjugation of women by beastly men.”
~ Misandronist Weekly
“These bloody women just need a good seeing-to.”
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