Circus peanuts

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Circus Peanuts was the codename for the atomic bomb project before the less conspicuous "Manhattan Project" was adopted. Shaped somewhat like a peanut, colored like a black traffic cone, and flavored like a atomic bomb-flavored banana, and through it all, having absolutely nothing to do with the circus, many people find little to enjoy about this weapon of mass destruction (despite the pleasant codename. However, production of "Circus peanuts" continues to run steadily. To the naked eye, they appear to be harmless, and many feel the desire to jump out of planes whilst riding on them, but tell your damn eye to put some clothes on and you'll see... the peanuts are a deadly weapon indeed. Most people despise them, some people like them, and the rest aren't aware of them. Perhaps this article will shed some light on the mysterious and circus-filled world of circus peanuts.


The common Circus Peanut.

edit Popular Opinion

In the Great Quickening of the 1920s, a time traveling German statesman, Otto von Bismarck, who became famous for wearing the German officer's helmet, the Pickelhaube. He also united Germany or something like that. Anyway, he came to the United States, to annex North Carolina and more importantly, take a nationwide poll on certain things. He compiled some interesting data, such as the fact that 94% of Americans are afraid of spiders, and the fact that 22% of Lesbians can play the trombone. He also happened to ask what them Yanks thought of the Circus Peanut. It appears.. that of the 64% of Americans who know what a Circus Peanut is... 97% of them despise the peanut. This data is not completely accurate, as the citizens of Alaska did not participate, they were busy ... playing .. checkers.. or something. Although a worldwide study of the same variety has never been attempted, it is assumed that nobody really cares enough to try.

edit The Legend

The Circus Peanut is commonly found in its orange variety. Of course, their are exeptions; white, pink, and even yellow bags of Circus Peanuts have been found. But there is one bag of Circus Peanuts of such controversy, that just uttering its name in the wrong situation could result in the bashing in of your skull with a lead pipe. I speak of the Circus Maximus, a legendary and mythical delicacy, a bag of Circus Peanuts containing every single flavor of peanuts. To an enemy of Circus Peanuts, this is nothing special. But if your one of the 3% who likes the little rascals, you will bow your head at the mention of this sacred treat.

The Circus Maximus was originally thought to be mere superstition. Like the Loch Ness Monster, or North Dakota. But now, actual photographic evidence may prove otherwise.


Man or Myth? You decide.

See, the British explorer David Livingstone was largely responsible for the Imperialism in Africa during the 1940s. While this means he is a complete douchebag, it does not necessarily mean that everything he does is useless. Livingstone returned home, he sought out to find the mythical Holy Grail of Circus Peanuts. With his "automatic picture square", or camera, at hand, he ventured deep into the Temple of the Ancients, and he returned with a single snapshot. This is the one you see above. Many doubt the validity of his claims, wondering why he didn't simply bring the bag with him as proof. Scientists also claim his photo as a hoax, saying that he simply painted various circus peanuts and put them in a bag. But perhaps he wasn't lying. For fans of the candy, there is a small glimmer of hope left.

edit The Quest

According to Livingstone's biography, the Temple of the Ancients and the quest for the Circus Maximus goes something like this. Deep within the Congo jungle, a temple made entirely of Circus Peanuts exists. Inside, there are various Zelda-esque puzzles for one to complete, but Livingstone simply ate his way through the walls into the final chamber. Inside, the Circus Peanut walls are made from Titanium Circus Peanuts, and it is impossible for one to escape, unless they successfully defeat the beast inside, or ... in Livingstone's case, leave the door open. According to the the explorer, the Circus Maximus is guarded by a powerful fire alchemist and her pet.. fox... thing. The Guardian cannot be defeated by conventional means, meaning that you can't learn how to defeat her at a convention. Because conventions were Livingstone's only source of battle plans, he was forced to flee, with only a picture to prove his epic clash ever occurred.


The guardian of the Circus Maximus.

So did he tell the truth? Or make it all up? Is this story even true in the first place? Do camels wear socks? Do Germans? Why are you still here? These, and many more questions can be answered. Just... not by me... Sorry.

edit See Also

Its hard to take my word for it. Partly because I didn't give a word on it (if you were reading above, you would see there are many words on it), and partly because I'm Swiss. But all in all, its fair to want the opinion of an outside source, particularly, an expert in the matter. Thus, I point you to ... Bad Candy. Its a place devoted to hating on nasty candies. [Uncyclopedia:About[]

This link will surely provide you with a barrelfull of laughs, and not the cheesy thimble sized barrel either. And not the barrel with monkeys in it. 'Cause they just eat up the volume that can be fit in the barrel. Best to take them all out and shoot them. Then burn them so that their contagious disease will not affect others. The link may also offer some more insight on the legacy of this peculiar treat.

Of course, the fact that it made its way to a place called "Bad Candy" would lead you to believe that Circus Peanuts are most assuredly bad. Bismarck's poll results may also lead you to such a conclusion. But allow me to offer you one last point of evidence in favor of the deliciousness of the Circus Peanut. You know those little marshmallows in the Lucky Charms cereal? ( Just in case your not a Lucky Charms fan, they're also found in Marshmallow Captain Crunch, Marshmallow Froot Loops, and Count Chocula. ) Those marshmallows are made from shavings of Circus Peanuts. And you can't deny that they are the bomb! I rest my case.

Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen.

Personal tools