Cinematic universe

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A Cinematic Universe is a visible second dimension filled with various characters solely to entertain humans with fat-wallets. It is not to be confused with a sequel (a recycled repeat from the original material) or a crossover (an underused cinematic universe). In order to help keep the lights on at dying movie theatre outlets, you can expect to see more in the future. This article will help you recognise a Cinematic Universe, as well as provide numerous examples to differentiate between “original” ideas and cash-cow franchises.

edit Before the Cinematic-Era (2400BCE-1BCE)

edit Early History

In ancient Greece, a man called "Yogan" bored of watching his slaves suffer carrying unreasonable loads, first conceived the idea. He drew some stick figures on the inside of a crapply-made pot full of holes and placed a candle on the bottom. When he lit the candle, spun the potter's wheel and stared into the holes in the pot, the little figure would jump up and down. Overtime, "Yogan" made many of these pots, but the same characters stuck around as he couldn't draw. Eventually, by the 30th pot or so, Tall man (or woman) and horse teamed up to star in Person rides horse. This astonishing invention would have absolutely no boring on history. Alexander the Great[1] ruined the collection one night celebrating a victorious battle by filling them with acidic wine. That is why is why we call moving films, as it comes from the Greek word Kilms meaning "Kill it with fire".

edit Scientific Rediscovery

Initially, the Professors at Harvard had no intention of researching the possibility of 2-dimensional universes. In the 1950s, this changed as the Television became more common in British Households, curiosity of intelligent beings to exist on the screen became stronger. Some of the Physicists who weren't making any headway with String Theory, shifted their focus to this. The search slowly narrowed down over the odd weekend thanks to large microscopes. Due to the electron microscope only being invented in 1975, the most strangest contraption made of cogs and glass lenses occupied most of the Department. It was so heavy it broke the 2nd floor and had to be relocated to the 3rd floor [2].

edit First Contact

A connection with a sub-dimensional species happened when a new shinny class 2B lazer was shone throughout the microscope during a system check. The intelligent beings used a glowing substance and by turning it on and off, were able to catch the attention of the professors. Nothing could be exchanged between the parties, records show that Harvard professors began making falsified reports about the language and conversations. Stories that emerged apparently revealed that these 2-D beings could jump into multiple 3-D relaties, giving a wealth of shareable tales. However, some writing and plot parallels between Issac Asamov and the 2-D beings can suggest that this endeavour was a hoax. Communication seized 5 months later, due to a higher wattage lazer incinerating the 2-D colony. All findings then mysteriously transferred to the Social Science Library archives, before being sold off at a book fair in the late 20th/early 21st Century. Purchased by none other then a comic book writer who read it and realised that he could project the comics on a theatre screen.

edit The Big Bang Reboot (0BCE-0ACE)

edit Marvel's Innovation

To be added.

edit After the Cinematic-Era (1ACE-?)

edit Historical/True Story

This one has existed since the dawn of film itself, with several actors playing the famous roles of famous figures throughout time. You may also remember the various well-covered stories told from World War I, World War II, Cold War, Hot War and the apparently on-going Great Meme War. The defining characteristics include, but not limited to being technologically blind saying “This will just be a fad” and the leads seeming to be the only rational people in the film. Notable examples include the Titanic, 9/11 and the entire Presidential Term of Donald Trump.

edit Doctor Who

Back in the early series Doctor Who spawned some interlocking “spin-offs”, Torchwood, an adult show dealing with monster that show through an easily-sealable portal and The Sarah Jane Adventures, the same shtick, but for children. In early 2010s, both shows retired, Torchwood moving into an audio drama graveyard while The Sarah Jane Adventures lost half the title. The spiritual successor to The Sarah Jane Adventures, Wizards Vs Aliens isn’t in this universe, as according to its creator “The Doctor’s Sonic screwdriver is the best damn magic wand you need”.

edit Marvel

The most niche cinematic universe known to only a few. Mostly created to get the company out of financial ruin and selling comics again. Bizarrely, they cannot mention mutants due to a life-or-death choice made by the company to lease movie rights out to other film companies. They sat on this intellectual property until Marvel tried to take back nicely as they weren’t looking to do anything with it. This ushered in the rest.

edit X-Men

If the superhero is a registered mutant, then congratulations! She/he’s going to be endlessly recycled in this universe unless someone stops making these things. The entire universe has no continuity due to excessive time-travel, even the under-utilised self-aware anti-hero badass knows it.

edit Detective Comics

Their universe specialises in the TV realm, featuring the not-batman Billionaire Oliver Queen, not-fast enough Flash and existing in a parallel-universe, SuperGirl. But these character will also get films on top of this because binge watching can cause mental illness. The world isn’t well-built yet as a lot of work on the cutting room floor is removing iconic greats like a hysterical clown or…well, that’s about it.

edit Star Wars

Darth Tyranus

It is only a matter of time.

Even though it is called an Anthropology series, that’s just a fancy word for “Most of the material has already been canonised before we got it and we’re running on empty” so they retconned 40 years’ worth of lore to compensate for this. Their universe currently has Rogue One, a young Han Solo and whatever else will make them money which isn’t part of the main films.

Snape2

This was going to be the first stand-alone film in the Harry Potter Universe, but all the snakes died when an intern misplaced the carry-on bag containing them.

edit Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling now has blog posts denoting wizard schools around the globe in the Harry Potter Universe. These recent additions make Voldemort pretty stoppable, just as an example Ugandan Wizards and Witches can use their hands to cast magic. Which knocks this universe onto the list. J.K. has also managed to stick it to the academia proving it is possible to pass a textbook – even if it is about fantastic magical beasts and where to find them – off as a film if you get David Attenborough in.

edit Hasbro Toys

Soon G.I. Joe will be running with the American hopes and dreams of the people of America. Along with the Micronaunts, a failed once-bankrupt Japanese robot toy line that come Micro-Earth and do Micro-things. ROM (Read-Only Memory) the amnesiac robot knight will also show up. The strangest part of it all is these heroes were once present within the Marvel Earth-666 universe, along with Transformers, but due to intellectual property laws, they won't be part of Marvels one anytime soon.

edit Call of Duty

Tired of Generic First-Person Shooters with Cheesy stories that you get for the multiplayer? Well get ready to watch a generic action movie Peep-show style with no multiplayer! Critics are already hailing it as “The same thing with a different skin!”

edit Hanna-Barbera

Designed for the Ageing Population so they aren’t left out of this craze. Features (and soon to feature) the Scooby gang investigating cartoon crimes, involving the Flintstones, Jettsones, Bill and Ted, Yogi Bear and Secret Squirrel.

Black 1080p

Promotional Material for the Movie Dracula

Gbrian

In the poorly received Ghostbusters movie-cannon tie-in VR game, Brian is mistaken for the logo or something equally terrible.

edit The Dark Universe

Best summarised by imagining Hotel Transylvania with the characters spilt into their own separate movies. One for Dracula, one for Werewolf, one for Van Hesling, one for Invisible Man, one for Frankenstein, one for the Mummy, one for the Boogeyman, one for Creepy dolls and one for Satan himself.

edit Stand up Ghostbusters Universe

This hilarious skit show features four Supernatural investigators and their secretary joking it up. Every scene has at least a punchline or stereotype or soup reference. Everyone is a bit confused about why that last one is a joke.

edit How to figure out if it’s a Cinematic Universe.

SavingPrivateElmo

This is NOT a cinematic universe, this is what is known as a crossover.

When determining if the piece of media is part of a Cinematic Universe, ask yourself the following important questions:

  1. How many YouTube channels cover it? (Usually a dead giveaway)
  2. Does the film have a cinematic counterpart?
  3. Does the book have a cinematic counterpart or is it an equivalent?
  4. Does the TV show have another cinematic counterpart?
  5. Does the game tie-in with another cinematic counterpart? (It could be possibly promotional material.)
  6. Does the media piece rely on past media knowledge?
  7. Does the media start with a non-cinematic production company?
  8. Do other people discuss the media as part of a non-linear series?
  9. Are there many different big-league actor participating?
  10. Is there a lot CGI?
  11. Are the viewing theatres packed?
  12. Is there a post credit scene?
  13. Is there a mid-credit scene, along with a post credit scene?
  14. Does it have a Lego Video Game?
  15. Are three or more Pop Culture references made?

If there are any Red Flags raised from the questions above, it is highly likely that you are unknowingly witnessing the birth of an unholy creation that will plague you for the years to come.

edit The Multiverse Movie Probability

“One should always be a little improbable.”
~ Oscar Wide

The number of movies being added day by day, month by month, year by year. It is has been theorised by the writer(s) of this Article that the probability of crossovers will occur in an inconceivable amount one day. This terrible day is inevitable as all copyrighted works shuffle much closer and closer to their grave in the public domain. Big companies such as Disney has delayed this somewhat by explaining to the Courts that too many knock-off DisneyLands would pop up, causing an economic collapse due to revenue reduction. Viacom, along with gaming giants enforce copyright claims on YouTube to censor anything that may surface. VR creators are hurriedly trying to create a better virtual world where this possibility is removed entirely. It truly depends on when all Movie Theatres go out of business due to online store sales[3].

edit Footnotes

  1. A. Great Bender (1993) p. 69 by Historian Alex Perkins
  2. Structual Nightmares (1962), p. 98-120 by FirstName LastName
  3. No more shopping centres: A world with Online Stores (Current Year) by Wikipedia
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