Cincinnati, Ohio
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Cincinnati was founded in 1788 by famed explorer, zombie hunter, and knitter of sweaters John Cleves Symmes and Colonel Robert Funkadelic Patterson. Surveyor John Filson originally named it "Losantiville," which he erroneously believed translated as "The city opposite the mouth of the (Licking) River." The name was quickly changed when the city's founding fathers' discovered the name was actually local trapper slang for "I got the Clap while going down on a Kentucky prostitute, and All I got was This Craving to Put Cinnamon in My Chili..."
Cincinnati is best known for producing groundbreaking African-American mayor Mark L. Mallory, a hero to many aspiring black politicians because of his unique approach to governing equally as bad as white mayors, joining the ranks of Washington's Marion Barry in the pantheon of great leaders... but without the crack cocaine problem.
Cincinnati has long suffered from many affluent and rich upper-class residents leaving Cincinnati and relocating to the surrounding towns and cities. While this has been a blow to the economic outlook of the city, most citizens still celebrate the annual White Flight Coward Sales hosted by many downtown businesses.
Because of the loss of jobs in the city, many people left the area altogether for regions with employment. Cincinnati's fortunes have risen and fallen with those of the steel industry, and on the ability of the prostitution industry to flourish on former mayor Jerry Springer's bounced checks.
In the 1950s, like many other American urban centers, Cincinnati entered a downward spiral of decline, brought on by the growing competitiveness in the steel industry and layoffs for many workers from the Cincinnati area. Proctor & Gamble quickly usurped the steel industry's labor force, offering the same union-fighting corporate structure, but with better smelling soap in the restrooms. Crime increased, including use and trade in illegal drugs, under the supervision of crime lord James T. Molloy & noted terrorist Marge Schott.
Cincinnati faces numerous difficulties, such as high local unemployment, the Cincinnati Reds, the Brown family's success at keeping the Bengals out of the Super Bowl, economic restructuring, abandoned buildings, fragmented families, hippies and bohemian pest control problems, political candidates, uncontrollable lawlessness, war, a high rate of crime, Chad Ochocinco's breath, and a desolate, inhospitable city landscape designed carefully by urban planners to resemble a Cleveland Steamer left on the chest of a Thai hooker.
In March, 2008 the Chief of Police, Deputy Chief and a police sergeant were all indicted by the federal court for violating the civil rights of a Cincinnati resident. Cincinnati has been ranked the most dangerous city in Ohio, but the 2nd most dangerous city in America, especially for groups darker complexioned than albino near uniformed white men with badges.
[edit] Abortion and Gun Control
Where do you stand on the issues? Well, talk radio in Cincinnati has something for everyone. There are radio show hosts who offer up opinions on both sides of the abortion issue in Cincinnati. That's right! There are hosts who are against abortion and think anyone who has one should be sentenced to death. Then there is the other side of the argument, the people who are against abortion and think anyone who has one should be sentenced to death... except for them or someone close to them because "their situation is different."
Many citizens of Cincinnati have found common ground on the argument of gun control. They apply a color coding system similar to a terror alert chart. The darker your color, the less they feel you should have a right to own a gun. They apply a similar model to deciding who should be able to own a home or get service in a restaurant. Nonetheless the first purchase upon entering Cincinnati should be a high powered rifle and a large caliber revolver. It is the only way of stopping the rising tide of extremely dangerous poverty stricken individuals to push their way outside the 275 loop. Your second purchace should be a large suv or luxury automobile that costs more than your mortgage payment to own and maintain. This will give the skanky 20 somethings attention better than having your own meth lab.
[edit] Recreation in Cincinnati
Along with Baltimore, Cincinnati was a federal test district where Plan Section 8 from Outerspace housing and has won the prestigious Jerry Brown More Fucked than Oakland, California, Award every year since 1987. Longtime white middle-class residents felt singled out by the sudden emphasis on esoteric ideas like tolerance, diversity, and that "I Have a Dream" guy; some residents are known to regret not being unable to wear white pointy hoods and/or swastikas in former German-American Hillbilly heritage sites like Over-the-Rhine. Within months, both rampant racism, murder, and actually competitive high school sports became popular recreational activities.
Other activities popular in the Queen City include vicious race riots, suicide, rape, robbery (includes vehicles, personal property, the concert tickets at Bogarts, and most college and pro sporting events), vandalism, prostitution, extortion, cannibalism, Grand Larceny, and 300-pound 50-year-old men dry-humping local college students, male and female, while arguing over who has the best high school football, baseball, and/or basketball story.
[edit] Cincinnati neighborhoods
- Addyston - Full of prostitutes, rapists, pimps, and molesters. And that's just the cops.
- Amelia - Mostly white eastern suburb where 30% of current residents moved here from Cincinnati during the "white flight" in the 1990s. A jovial neighborhood full of Caucasians who only click their heels together and salute around October.
- Arlington Heights - This town is mostly surrounded by different fragmented families.
- Blue Ash - Named for the dry skin on local resident Shauwanda Jenkin's legs in 1894, Blue Ash is locally known as... uh... that place with the other airport. And the cheap hotels...
- Downtown - Known for the ever-present aromatic blend of Ohio River sludge, raw sewage, junkie body odor, Cincinnati chili, and, during the day, yuppies from the suburbs, frequented by some of the bravest souls on the planet. Rest in Peace, fellas...
- Corryville - Lots and lots of XXX Strip clubs right by this neighborhood.
- Clifton - Home to the University of Cincinnati, contains lots of abandoned apartments, dope fiends pretending to wait on buses, and tons of sex parties.
- East Walnut Hills- Numerous opportunities for the suicide prone, including getting the possibility of getting shot for wearing a Browns jersey by by one of the local drunks on McMillan, then run over in a rusted-out 1972 El Camino by a john from Colerain too busy shopping for hookers to notice.
- Hamilton - Also known as Hamiltucky. Unfortunately, not killed in a duel by Aaron Burr. Home to broken down 20 year old Cadillacs.
- Hyde Park - "I see white people." is the official slogan.
- Indian Hill - Strangely, no Native Americans claim this part of town.
- Loveland - Murder Capitol of Ohio, this area smells bad.
- Ludlow - Often mistaken for a sewage plant, this neighborhood of Cincinnati is found in Kentucky. Here Cincinnati's suburbs freely dump their trash and bodily waste products. The result has been a large number of people being born with mutant powers (but not the cool mutant powers like what you find in an X-Men comic, mind you. Oh no! We're talking about the kind of mutant powers where people's noses produce excessive amounts of snot. Or they have two assholes, and produce double the flatuence. Yeah, really cool shit.... NOT!)
- Middletown - Also known as Middletucky. Official motto? "Pornstars & Steel...That's All We Gots." Former Hamilton natives are known to move to Middletown in order to get away from their parents and to feel better about themselves.
- Milford - Despite being called MILFord, no MILFs are to be found.
- Montgomery - Home of spoiled rich kids, lesbian soccer moms, and ketchup-covered pork. Conformity is expected and required to live in Montgomery. Every fucking road is 25 mph, with stop signs every 50 feet on the main roads.
- Mt. Healthy - Strangely enough, the most dangerous, fatal, brutal, foul/diseased part of the city.
- North College Hill - Home of the maiden North College Hill Barbie.
- Over the Rhine - The neighborhood's motto? "Where Gentrification Begins... And Hope for Everybody Else Ends."
- St. Bernard - No dogs (or blacks) allowed. Especially not black dogs.
- Lebanon - The only tourist attraction is a prison.
- Norwood - An unofficial historical marker in this neighborhood declares that "Pancho Villa never lived here, not a-ONCE!".
- Price Hill - CHome of both Elder and Seton High schools, Price Hill, in 1978, is famous for being the first place in the world where a person of European descent was compared to a loaf of Wonderbread. Many Elder grads become Cincinnati Police officers and are often affectionately known as "Pork Sandwiches" by many of the same drug dealers they went to school with.
- Walnut Hills - Otherwise known as Stalag 13, hundreds of the city's best and brightest are herded into a special detention facility for the Queen City's gifted school children. Few are paroled, and offer suffer later in life as doctors, lawyers, and working professionals who, sure enough, still can't catch a taxi or not get pulled over because they fit the description. See entry on Price Hill for more information.
