Smoking
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This page contains fragments of actual information, read with caution.
Not to mention that hassling the creators of Uncyclopedia about smoking can be hazardous for your health.
“A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cigarettes
“Don't be a fool, smoking isn't cool.”
~ Sonic the Hedgehog on Smoking (but 15 years since he said that, Sonic is found smoking crack in Manila)
“Smoking killed my father, and raped my mother!”
~ Randomer from Family guy on Smoking
“Never mind smoking to shorten your life. Join the army, and it gets a thousand times shorter!”
~ Teenager on future careers of doom.
“In Soviet Russia, Cigarettes smoke YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal (and John McCain) on Smoking Cigarettes
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'The whimsical fancies from happy land dripping from the ass of the Surgeon General i.e 'smoking causes premature death' are purely that; whimsical fancies from happy land dripping from an anus...test results clearly state that any link between the tobacco industry and death are purely circumstantial,(more than likely the reminants of a communist plot against the west) wheras the evidence supporting the link between non smokers and terrorist attacks on blind puppies is overwhelming.' Allah-The Quran (page 4)
[This article is obviously written by n00bs graced with coolness; therefore it is biased and does not meet the quality standards of Uncyclopedia]
Smoking is the human practice of ingesting enormous quantities of the aerially-dispersed waste products of combustible organic matter, so that they may be sequestered safely within the lungs and out of harm's way. Smokers use their lungs and their immense NOOB coolness as filters to prevent People Who Eat Only Cabbage from your mom harming themselves through inhaling the smoke directly up your ass.
[edit] History
[edit] Discovery
The pleasant effects from the inhalation of air-born shit were inadvertently discovered in 1607 by the Virginia colonist Nathaniel Ebeneezer Smitherspoon while he was being burnt at the stake by the Jamestown Council of Religious Enforcement for not sufficiently kissing the ass of Jesus in his public (and private) life. Smitherspoon got stoned out of his mind from breathing in the heady intoxicating fumes from his own immolation; but, unfortunately, he did not live to pursue further research in this area (being dead makes that somewhat difficult).
[edit] Experimentation
In 1903, the billionaire tycoon RJ "RageQuit" Reynolds began experimenting with toy soap-bubble-blowing pipes and candy cigarettes by inserting into them various burning substances and testing them on unsuspecting children.
After many hundreds of trials, RJ finally hit upon the magic combination: decayed leaves from the mutant hybrid tobacco-tomato plant soaked in a solution of formaldehyde, cyanide, urine, hydrogen peroxide,shit, nitroglycerin, sodium chloride, benzene, me, beach sand, vitamin B-12, nutmeg stannous fluoride, dioxin, hemlock, mercury, arsenic, DDT, TNT, buckminsterfullerene, depleted uranium, enriched plutonium, glue, xanathan gum, extra high fructose corn syrup, trans-fat, mono-sodium glutamate, artificial sweeteners, Your mom and artificial colors. If you smoke too much you can overdose on the nutmeg which is a powerful hallucinogenic drug.
Smoking finally gained the recognition it deserved in 1972, when the International Olympic Committee officially recognized it as an Olympic event. Prior to this, smoking had already been established as a national sport in Bosnia, Croatia, France, Poland and Spain.
[edit] Short-term effects of smoking
- An unexplained urge to watch HGTV
- Assbreath
- Irritated uvula
- Burning sensation in your moms pussy
- Saggy Balls
- Large Penis (even if you are female!!)
- Watery eyes
- Suspension of your ability to care
- You stink like shit
- The undying hatred of random passersby
- Local fire alarms go off
- Halitosis
- Finding Cher Sexy.
- Pregnancy
- Being discovered in the Conservatory with Mrs. Peacock
- Gives you a reason to be outside if the weather is f**ked
- The smoke hides your ugly, but cool face
- Makes your lungs black, cool-looking and heavier
- Makes you look more attractive to someone of the same sex
- Makes you look like somebody who needs to smoke in order to look cool (i.e. you look cool)
- Makes you look cool
- Irritates stuck up non smokers who prefer the smell of farts and B.O. in clubs.
- Relaxation
- Inner peace
- Magical ability to blow smoke rings, just like Gandalf the Gay.
- Breast Enlargement
- Shrinking of the penis
- Enlargement of the penis
- Shrinking of the penis (again)
- Makes ninja want to cut off it
- Not cancer
- Breast Enlargment
- Breast Shrinkaage
- cure AIDS not HIV
- Spontaneous combustion
[edit] Long-term effects of smoking*
The formula "Fag = Anal sex = Death" is now more recognised than E=mc2
- Loss of scalp and penis (even if you are a woman!)
- Midgets begin to follow you everywhere you go, and help you wash your back in the shower!
- the urge to put out at an abnormal rate
- Or, if you are female--You'll grow a penis...and balls--big hairy ones, with worm juice as your semen.
- Dick Cheney comes over to your house to have you blow smoke into his asshole.
- Can be used as a cheap alternative to fossil feuls or smoked salmon
- Mystic brown furniture
- Ability to cough up lung contamination
- Social grace
- Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
- Global warming
- Tobacco company profits go up
- You will be more likely to work offshore and valet pawk cars, bra.
- You have a reason to leave awkward situations
- Smokers staying in a doll-house room become invisible (noticeable effect after 287 years)
- The ability to turn Super Saiyan
- You look sophisticated
- You feel the need to wear jeans so tight nothing can escape from the pockets.
- Fucks up ya spelling and makes u get 25 in bowling
- Purging of the nostrils
- job promotions
- Lungs become possessed by the God of Tar, Luhng Kancer
- Pierce Brosnan randomly attacks you and members of your family
- Destroys the colon causing loose and ugly shit
- Increase in Germanism
- Increase of ability to endure adverse weather conditions
- Looking too cool for too long
- May give you the urge to go to Stepbrothers, brother.
- Increased coolness
- May cause people named Chad to take trips to Shell more frequently
- Recognition as an attention seeker who thinks they can gain the respect of their peers by replicating the effects of the gas chambers in Auschwitz.
- Better life
- Better social life (effect of hallucinations)
- More friends
- Kittens die
- Becoming prone to spontaneous combustion
- Extreme poverty
- A reputation for having little to no willpower
- Delusions of superiority
(If you were expecting lung cancer to be on this list, then bud, you've never been to Uncyclopedia) *Caution: Long term cigar smokers may turn into Clint Eastwood.
[edit] Smoking and society AND the reimergence of Nazis.
Smoking is undeniably a crucial part of the success of our society. Social smokers have for years been smoking, even if only occasionally, for the benefit of those around them. Their thoughtful provision of carcinogens and other pollutants has warmed up many bars and pubs in the winter for the benefit of the general community. Unfortunately in part of their wicked plan to start a fourth Reich, Nazi's have invaded America and its virgin metaphorical walls of freedom, and deflowered it with the evil semen of smoking bans. These smoking bans stop people from smoking in bars, making it harder to get laid by drunk chicks.
[edit] Smoking and the crusade against evil
Lungs, believe it or not, contain within them the little known evil hormone which is produced as a side effect of respiration. For instance did you know that both Jesus and Hitler had lungs and this caused them to commit acts of unbelievable evil. Infact smoking was invented by an extremely ancient and secret order of paladins in the fight against evil as smoking destroys the evil hormone by coating it in little globules of black tar like substances, and not discovered by colonist Nathaniel Ebeneezer Smitherspoon as many believe.
[edit] Health benefits of smoking
Smoking is the only known cure for Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and some minor forms of dementia, because smoking kills you before you ever get them. Many studies have also found that out of all people with lung cancer smokers have a 70% higher rate of survival. This is due to the incredible properties of the chemical additives in tobacco which kills all the little men who are make the cancer on their sewing machines. A local medical university in, Moscow, Russia has been researching on ways to cure cancer through extreme inhalation of tar. Scientists also say that it is beneficial to a persons health should he smoke crack in between "sticks". Crack has a miraculously extraordinary compound that boost the immune system in a humans body permanently.
[edit] Quotes
| Men professing godliness offer their bodies upon Satan's altar, and burn the incense of tobacco to his Satanic majesty. Does this statement seem severe? The offering must be presented to some deity. As God is pure and holy, and will accept nothing defiling its character, he refuses this expensive, filthy, and unholy sacrifice; therefore we conclude that Satan is the one who claims the honor. |
| That thousands and tens of thousands die of diseases of the lungs generally brought on by tobacco smoking... How is it possible to be otherwise? Tobacco is a poison. A man will die of an infusion of tobacco as of a shot through the head. |
| One thousand Americans stop smoking every day - by dying.! |
| And for the vanities committed in this filthy custom, is it not both great vanity and uncleanness that at the table, a place of respect, of cleanliness of modesty men should not be ashamed to sit tossing of tobacco pipes and puffing of the smoke of tobacco one to another making the filthy smoke and stink thereof to exhale athwart the dishes and infect the air when very often men that abhor it are at their repast. Surely smoke becomes a kitchen; also oftentimes in the inward parts of men fouling and infecting them with an unctuous and oily kind of foot as hath been found in some great tobacco-takers that after their death were opened. |
| Ride me, cowboy! |
| Nearly 100% of smokers dies. |
| Cigarettes define my life.But pipes are better. |
| I know you non smokers live with some eternal life fantasy, but let me be the first to 'pop' that little bubble. Non smokers this is for you and you alone. Remember, Non smokers die.... Everyday!! Sleep tight! |
[edit] Reasons why smoking will never be banned
- Governments get a lot of tax revenue to buy their own tobacco.
- Smoking is good exercise for the lungs, just like a Bullworker is good for the biceps.
- People die younger, so need less pensions.
- Keeps tobacconists and other small shops going. Alternative revenues would have to be provided instead.
- Tobacco farmers would have to be provided with alternative means of revenue. If from lower income countries more aid would have to be provided (on reduced taxes of which more will be spent on pensions).
- Assorted other businesses (transport, tax revenue people etc, the quit smoking industry) will have their work reduced - see preceding point.
- The Ads-industry would vanish or become totally dependent on penis enlargers.
- Football players would become dependent on pot.
- Smokers are determined to kill someone. Just let them kill themselves, its better than having them kill you when going through withdrawal.
- Smoking keeps self-important anti-smokers who like nothing more than to push other people around occupied, and allows governments to go to war an screw up the economy without anyone giving a damn.
- Smoking is the easiest way to separate the men from the boys (see boy band north an south).
- Human stupidity.
- Second hand smoke is a good way to damage people you don't like without taking direct action.
- Smoking is cool.
[edit] The Warning Label Controversy
In August 1995 S.P Morrissey from Kansas discovered that smokers could read and decided to write some poetry on each pack of cigarettes. His haiku inspired poetry like "Smoking Kills", "Smoking seriously harms your health" and "Smoking leads to impotence" were all LOLed by the cultural elite, but hated by the consumers. Poetry analyst and critique B. H. Knowles say that "it was a nice try but no one who smokes seems interested in his deterministic writing of death, illness and asexuality".
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.jpg) S.P. Morrissey's Poetry were translated into many languages. This one is from Norway. |
 Some organizations have a strict policy against Twonks. |
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[edit] A note to children
Remember children, it is important to go along with whatever your friends are doing. Just like eating meat, smoking is only cool if your friends think it's cool.
 A young girl enjoying the safe depositing of smoke. Note the stinking halo around her. |
 Meet Yesmo King, who is often mistaken for Ye' Smoking. |
 Do you smoke? |
[edit] See also
- Chemicals in a Cigarette
- Cigar
- Cigarette
- Marijuana
- Marlboro
- Joe Camel
- Second hand smoke
- Methods for buying second hand smoke on eBay
- List of smokers
- Cigarette stub
- Ashtray
- UK pub smoking ban
[edit] External links
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