Winston Churchill

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

(Redirected from Churchill)
Jump to: navigation, search
This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.


Winston 'Rule Britannia' Churchill
Peace.
Hobbies: Facing Adversity,
Fighting on the Beaches, Nitrous Oxide, Being a nudist Whiskey, never surrendering,
fighting in the airfields
Birthday: 31th November 1874
Career: Did pretty much anything you can imagine
Alcohol: Scotch Whiskey, Special Brew
Idol: The Man in the Churchill Insurance Ads (oh yes)
Favourite Song: Rule Britannia
Favourite Food: Roast lerprachaun served in a man's hat with whiskey floating in perfume
Favourite Book: Facing Adversity in Ten Easy Steps


“WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!”

~ Winston Churchill on World War II

“History will be kind to me for I intend to wreckord ricord recard write it. ”

~ Winston Churchill on Poofreading Proofreading

“Would you like a crumpet? I would because I Winston Churchill.”

~ Peter Griffin on Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill while on an undercover mission in Germany in 1942, getting a taste of local beer.

Sir Winston 'Rule Britannia' Churchill, also known as Ickle Dickle Winnifie, Drinker-In-Chief and Winnie the Pooh, (1514-1978), KM, ONO, POOFTAH, STFU, WTF, AFAZA, CUC, POOF, HMRFRA; a.k.a Ickle Dickle Winnifie and winner of the Roundest Leader Ever Contest, Eternal Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, diehard Freemason, and probable Dreadlock Rasta. He is said to have had paracosmic powers, which include dude-watching, deutsch-bashing and the secret of manual evacuation. His full title is said to be: 'We, by the grace of alcohol, kittens and their huffers, with the benevolence of Oscar Wilde, leader and supreme-drinker of all left-overs, half filled glasses and dipsy dregs, son of men who have always been drunk, and so forth, and so forth....'. He won the 1953 Nobel Prize in Literature for his many books on alcoholism, notably Why drink and drive when you can drink, drink and drink?.

Sir Winston Churchill was voted the Greatest-ever British Consumer of Alcohol in the 2002 Scotch Whiskey poll. He is well known for his quotes, some of which are only attributed, as he was too busy binge-drinking to find time to utter them. It is well known that only three of his quotes were stolen from Oscar Wilde. (See if you can guess which ones.)

He was the first English Man who wore Girls Clothes in Parliament, after the Queen told him to do so at dinner after a Swinger Party; he admitted to everything while being questioned by the Police for selling free whiskey in Heathrow.

Contrary to popular belief, he had nothing to do whatsoever with the Oda Shogunate or the Kajajimbi Mujamba...however he was the main instigator of the world famous Pissing-Off Showdown and the well known Anti-Appeasment Stripteasing League. He is rumoured to have helped Stalin in the defence of Stalingrad, even if the KGB states that the Russians needed no Churchills . Churchill was a great supporter of Cecil after the death of Anthony Eden's poodle during the Suez Crisis in 1956.


Contents

[edit] Before He Became Famous

Winston Churchill and the Kaiser pointing at England. Churchill later denied he had been taking backhanders from the German Emperor so that British battleships would sink easily at Jutland.
(The plot thickens :o )

Winston Spencer Churchill was born in the unfashionable wing of Blenheim Palace in 1874 to Lord Randolph 'Randy Toff' Churchill and his American wife Jenny Jiggle-Wiggle from a rich family of capitalist Robber Barons. Lord Randy with his black moustache cut a political dash at the time , appearing in Parliament to horsewhip other M.Ps he thought were 'below contempt'. He hated the Liberal Prime Minister William Gladstone but then died from an unmentionable disease whilst still in his forties. Medical dictionaries at the time cleverly got round this problem by listing 'Unmentionable Diseases - See Randolph Churchill on Page 92' - except of course , there was no page 92. A distraught Jenny Jiggle-Wiggle then threw herself into charity work and the passing arms of over sexed aristocrats. Winston wasn't a happy chappy and decided to go join the army where he learnt the art of drinking for the 'British Empah.'

Churchill messed around for the next fifty years waiting for his time to come as The Drinking Man and practising mixing his whiskey shorts. Churchill is whiskey shorts was not for the faint hearted or the lightness of head. So when he wasn't in government , Churchill would stay at home building brick garden sheds for his wife Clementine , a fruit seller he met in Covent Garden . They made a happy couple and sang Oh My Darlin', Oh My Darlin'..Oh My Darlin Clementine until they were thrown out of the pub at closing time. But at least Churchill could drink pints with the working classes which held him in good stead later on his political and drinking career.

During this time Churchill swapped political parties starting out as a Unionist, A Free Sex Trade Unionist, A Liberal , a Liberal Who Liked War a Lot , A Liberal Again (lost the plot there), a Consti...A Consti...sod it...and then finally joined the Conservatives in 1925. He was during this time also learning to paint with surplus battleship grey paint and to prefect his rasping rendition of saying the Nassies so that no one him took seriously when he warned about Adolf Hitler. If Churchill had died in 1939...well only historians who take this stuff seriously would have even bothered giving hm a card index.

[edit] Churchill's Wartime Role

"I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly and i will still have made bitter bitter love to your anus"

At the outbreak of the terrible World War sequel, Churchill was appointed Ye First Lord of ye olde Admiralty. According to myth, the Navy board sent out the historic message: "Hide the Whiske, lock all mini-bars, Winston's back!"

In this job he proved to be one of the highest-profile ministers during the so-called "Dry War", when the only noticeable action was at Sam's Dry Martini Bar. Churchill advocated the pre-emptive occupation of the Norwegian vodka exporting port of Narvik, and the distilleries of Northern Sweden, early in the War. However, Neville Chamberlain and the rest of the War Cabinet disagreed, as they were more interested in beer and American moonshine. This delayed the binge-drinking party until the very start of the German attempt to drink Norway dry, which was successful despite British efforts.

On May 10 1940, just during the daring 37th German invasion of France by a surprising advance through the Low Countries, (they did do it again in 1914 didn't they?), Churchill was chosen by lot as the next Prime Minister of Lithuania. Lithuania refused, and Churchill was offered Great Britain instead.

As the English defences against invasion amounted to three bits of plywood, five daisies, two twigs and a horse named 'Rodney', Churchill realised that more time was needed to build up enough alcohol stockpiles to make the British fearless. In fact he planned to turn the whole island into a large open air distillery. As he was writing these plans, That Guy secretly recorded Churchill's drunk talk and then broadcast it worldwide. This was the greatest inspiration the Prime Minister could give to the United Kingdom. The first recording was the famous "I have nothing to offer but whiskey, gin, brandy, and vodka" speech. He followed that closely with two other equally famous ones, given just before the Tittle for Britain. One included the immortal line, "You shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be, you shall fight on the beaches, you shall fight on the landing grounds, you shall fight in cesspools and brothels, you shall fight in sewers; you shall never surrender - on the other hand, I’m off to Canada! " The other included the equally famous "Therefore brace yourselves to YOUR duties, and so bear yourselves that, if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was MY finest hour! ' " At the height of the Tittle for Britain, his bracing survey of the financial situation included the memorable line "Never in the field of hangovers was so much owed by so few to so many", referring to the enormous debts he had made at Sam’s Bar.

Winston Churchill was reported to have prank called Adolf Hitler numerous times during the 1930's and some speculate that the only reason why Hitler started the blitzkrieg was to destroy the phone lines between England and Nazi occupied Europe.

During the war, Churchill is said to have read a lot of telegrams, and travelled all over The Place, however it is rumoured he actually hid in the closet all day, drinking German Schnapps in case “the bloody war goes to that Hitler guy!”

"Mummy always told me that veggies were good for my head!" - Unarguably the best remembered moment of Churchill's career, as immortalised in the monument dedicated to his honour.

Churchill is known as the bulldog of England, due to an unexpected and little-known run-in he had with Hitler in 1938, which ended in an extremely intoxicated Churchill bulldogging Hitler. Seeing Churchill's ass and scrotum also explains why Hitler killed himself.

On October 9, 1944, he and Eden were in a Moscow Vodka Strip Pub, where they met Stalin, without the knowledge of the saintly Americans. Bargaining for booze went on throughout the night. Churchill wrote on a scrap of paper that Stalin had a 90 percent "interest" in Romanian Vodka and Britain a 90 percent "interest" in Greek Ouzo. When they got to the Italian wines, Stalin ceded them to Churchill. This gentleman's agreement was sealed with a handshake, and the empty glasses were smashed on the wall, Russian style.

After the fall of fascism in Europe, the 3 powers (USSR, USA, and GB) met to discuss how the reconstruction of Europe would happen. In the first meeting Winny came to the meeting drunk and said to Josef Stalin, "go fuck yourself Stalin, you will not get bloody fucking Germany!" Stalin was flabbergasted and left running out of the room crying. The next day Winston apologized for his actions.

After the war, many historians have named Winston Churchill the father of the modern diss due to such sayings as: Winston: You're ugly, ma'am! Ma'am: You're drunk, sir! Winston: Yes, but in the morning, I will be sober.

and

Person: If I were your wife, I would poison your coffee. Winston: If I were your husband, I would drink it.


[edit] Proper Care and Maintenance of your Winston Churchill

"OH YES!!

The British public voted Churchill in office after parts of the following manual were strewn across the country:

Your Winston Churchill will run smoothly and effectively with the proper lubrication and when kept in the right conditions. Your Winston Churchill can be kept properly lubricated by feeding it alcohol. While it will eat most any food it encounters, its real fuel is high-quality alcohol, and a good amount of it. It prefers gin (usually in gin & tonics or martinis) and champagne, but it will also drink rum, vodka, whiskey, and the blood of its slain enemies (served preferably in the bleached skull of said enemy). It should be kept away from Billy Whizz. If quality alcohol is provided, your Winston Churchill can properly maintain its own level of lubrication, and there is no need for you to measure out alcohol for it. Simply refill any empty glasses or replace any empty bottles in its cage.

The proper conditions in which to keep your Winston Churchill is best described as "adversity". However, most general adversity won't yield optimum results; the best adversity for your Winston Churchill is in wartime. However, if there is no war for your Winston Churchill to be in, you have two options:

  • make a war up to keep your Winston Churchill occupied.
  • send it to English boarding school, where it will have to face adversity to avoid being beaten and sodomized by his schoolmates.

Following the preceding advice will lead to your happy, healthy, and successfully-operating Winston Churchill which will give you lots of joy and affection for years to come, as well as keeping your country unconquered by fascists.

[edit] Churchill the Scholar

Winston Churchill is the founder of the Church of Scientology (hence his name, Churchill). In 1940, he realized what really was wrong with the world, and he decided to make it right. Upon being crowned Prime Minister of England, (but after his celebratory hangover ended), he invented a new world religion so that he could consolidate both science and religion, at the expense of not making any sense at all. He slowly gained followers worldwide, and he earned so much money that it literally drove people insane, so they joined the Church. It is most commonly referred to as "Churchill's Church" for comedic effect. Official ceremonies include binge-drinking, pre-party drinks, during party drinks, after party drinks.....

The first test to his Church was however a big flop: Churchill tried to make Adolf Hitler understand that England only wanted to be left alone, preferably with a bottle of whiskey. Hitler and his sidekick Oprah opposed this measure, as they preferred der deutche schnapps. This terrible disagreement led to worldwide conflict as schnapps and whiskey vied for world dominance. No stone was left unturned, and no whiskey bottle full, as all Churchill's drinks during this period were seen as major steps to peace and understanding worldwide.

[edit] What is Churchill's Church?

The Last Judgment according to Churchillian Scientologists

Churchill's Church's goal is to offer an alternative to the evils of psychology, through their therapy process that Scientology refers to as, "The Same Thing As Psychology But With A Biorhythm Machine Attached To You For Some Reason." Some cretins suggest that scientologists just pray on bicycles, but such infidel suggestions are all crap and bollocks. Impostors try to offer crumpets, claiming they are Winston Churchill, though this is blasphemy of the highest grade, as no self-respecting Scientalogist would ever eat such evil food.

Churchill demolished many churches around the main scientologist regions, while he also incorporated parts of other creeds into Scientology, including the belief that God is triple distilled (like vodka (aka, "the Holy Spirit") and something called 'The Trinity' ), and that only Winston is his prophet.

[edit] The Last Judgment

It is written in the most hidden manuscripts of the most hidden Church of Scientology (the branch just off Old Kent Road, next door to the distillery and the brothel) that one day the Lord will come back, on an avenging machine to wreak havoc onto the evil sheep of the flock; only faithful Scientologists will be accepted into Heaven, but only if they are found drinking 12 year old scotch, naked, under an oak tree on a mid-autumn's night, with a full moon.

Angry at the immorality of such actions, Tony Blair's nanny government has passed a law amending this prophetic vision: Brits will now be allowed into heaven even if they are wearing a pink dress, but it has to be made by illegal immigrants from Pakistan or thereabouts. However Churchillian free spirits such as Oscar Wilde, That Guy and Margaret Thatcher have led groups of fundamentalist Scientologists that meet naked, on autumn nights with full moons, to try and bring about the second arrival of Jesus Christ.

[edit] Other Notes

  • OG
  • Winston, often known as Winnie was an early sex change pioneer. His subsequent marriage to Nelson Mandella broke down afer he/she thought it would be a good idea to take some troublesome kids for a ride!!!


  • "The fact that I don't know how the hell the Brits do addresses and zip code is inconsequential."
    • "Oh, old chap, it's called a postal code. British Postal Codes refer to streets, and are based on the name of the nearest large town, apart from London addresses, which are too bloody confusing to explain."
      • "No, old bean, London postal codes are even easier than whatever you chaps have out in the sticks. London is divided into several zones - such as NW, north west, each of which is further subdivided into numbered areas - NW10, for example. Nobody knows about the other part though, not even the Post Office."
    • "Bugger my giddy aunt, bollocks!"
  • Churchill was, in fact, born without a bumhole...it is thought that he will explode when he reaches 156 years.
  • It's a little known fact that Churchill was excluded from Eton for fighting on the beaches of the nearby town Eton-on-Sea.
  • It's a little known fact that Churchill was excluded from Eton for fighting on the hills of the nearby town Eton-on-Hills.
  • It's a little known fact that Churchill was excluded from Eton for fighting on the landing-grounds of the nearby town Eton-on-the-Landing-Grounds.
  • Winston Churchill founded Holland house in 1997 - a fact made all the more remarkable because he was dead at the time.
  • Winston Churchill is the only known Briton to be respected by the general populace of the United States, when they can remember who he is.
  • He has a 'front bottom' called Thomas

[edit] Quotes

Photograph of Churchill fighting on the beaches.
  • "What? You don't think I'm going to tell you, do you? I'd be stupid to tell you. I'd get fired." (referring to The Colonel's Eleven Secret Herbs and Spices).
  • "This hat and congratulatory ham goes to France, who fought so poorly, and surrendered so readily." - Winston Churchill at the WW2 War Awards,
  • On the Paris Hilton: "I stayed there once..don't see what all the fuss is about."
  • "Looking back now, I was drunk on power...and alcohol." ~Winston Churchill on his stint as Prime Minister.
  • "As, after all: we Discordians must stick apart" (explaining the why of POEE)
  • On the unwritten rule: "Hah. You didn't think it would be that easy, did you? Trying to get me to write down the Unwritten Rule. Shame on you. Besides, it should be fairly simple to see what it is. I mean, it's not like it'd be to hard to figure out that... Oh. There I go again, almost spilling the beans. Damn, I gotta watch myself. You're a crafty one, getting me to monologue like this. That's it. I've said too much."
  • "Do you know that old quote, 'No sex, please; we're British'? Well, I'm half-American, so 'ow 'bout a quick snog in the coatroom?"
  • "Eat bottle pinko!" a drunk Churchill trying to glass Stalin
  • "Don't believe these people, they are idiots." asserting the reality of the year 19$0.
  • "Long live Charles de Gaulle!" (about France)
  • "I peeped under the skirt...she is NOT made of IRON!!!" (about Margaret Thatcher)
  • "What's all this fuss about the sequel to WWI anyway?"
  • "We shall fight them on the beaches, we shall fight them in the streets....er..what I mean to say is, YOU all shall be fighting them. It's good to be the Prime Minister."
  • "Gotterdamerung!" (Hitler on Winston)
  • "If we capture him alive, someone needs to ask Mister Hitler if that's really a mustache or if Himmler gave him a dirty Sanchez."
  • "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is debatable because he has not returned my phone calls." (about telephones)
  • ". . .And your plays are terrible, just terrible, but in the morning, I will be sober," (To William Shakespeare regarding Titus Androgynous)
  • "I never drink tea. It makes me bloat and forget how many kneecaps I have."
  • "I can open a beer bottle with my teeth, sure. Sounds like the kind of thing that might get you laid, right? Well guess what: No woman will touch a man who draws penguins on napkins. Now that is just total bullshit." (regarding his paracosmic powers)
  • "Mummy what's for tea?" (unarguably his most famous quote)
  • "Oh My God! I can't believe you just said that!" (on Neville Chamberlain's appeasement attempts)
  • "I've fucked every nationality and there's nothing dirtier than an Essex girl."
  • "I'm Rick James Bitch."
  • "I like pigs. Mistresses look up to us. Wives look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."
  • "Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy sow on heat."
  • "We shape our buildings, and afterwards the Germans bomb the living daylights out of them."
  • "I also hope that I sometimes suggested to the lion the right place to evacuate his bowels."
  • "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will still be drunk and you will still look pretty good to me. So how about it?"
  • "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is its inexhaustible supply of Russian mail-order brides."
  • "If I ever see a foreigner in Britain again, I will snap their neck."
  • "I bloody love Dundee Cake!"
  • "Why do they call that bloody wall an iron curtain? Last I checked it was made of concrete."
  • "WHO THE BLOODY HELL TOOK MY FLASK BY GOD!"
  • "FUCKING KRAUTS!"
  • " Who is this Chuck Norris guy bet i could take him"(Winston on not knowing Chuck Norris
  • "I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt so sexy it hurts"(Churchill on being so sexy)
  • "The caek is a lie
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Churchill.

[edit] See Also

v • d • e
Barmy British Stuff
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Winston_Churchill"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaters chronarion.org