Church of God the Wholly Incompetent

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
(Revert)
 
(72 intermediate revisions by 19 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
[[Image:Compcreation.jpg|thumb|right|300px|In the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent's view of creation, [[God]] created [[Adam]] but accidentally blinded him.]]
 
[[Image:Compcreation.jpg|thumb|right|300px|In the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent's view of creation, [[God]] created [[Adam]] but accidentally blinded him.]]
'''The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent''' is a [[Christian]] church based mainly in [[North America]] and [[Europe|Western Europe]]. Adherents believe [[God]] is [[power|omnipotent]] but generally unqualified for his role as deity, citing the Great [[Flood]], the [[Roman Empire]] and their own personal [[Vietnam|failings]] as proof. Worldwide membership was 15.1 million in [[2004]].
+
'''The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent''' is a [[Christian]] church based mainly in [[North America]] and [[Europe|Western Europe]]. Adherents believe [[God]] is [[power|omnipotent]] but generally unqualified for His role as deity, citing the Great [[Flood]], the [[Roman Empire]] and their own personal [[Iraq|failings]] as proof. Worldwide membership was 30.5 million in [[2006]].
   
The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced [[Inquisition|persecution]] in several [[nation|countries]] for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured [[Trinity]]", holding that [[Jesus]] is the Son of God but "got in over his [[head]]" when he let himself [[death|die]] on the cross. Compies deny the [[Easter|resurrection]], arguing that Jesus is still knocking around somewhere below the [[Jerusalem|Church of the Holy Sepulchre]], a victim of God's omniuselessness. Where other sects revere Early Christian [[martyr|martyrs]] as witnesses of [[Jesus Christ|Christ's]] message, the Wholly Incompetent Church believes their deaths are a prime example of God's fumbling, bumbling ways.
+
If you masturbate, God kills you. It says so in the bible.
   
Church membership is dominated by [[actor|actors]], [[oil|oil company executives]], [[newspaper|journalists]] and other people who believe they can "do it better."
+
The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced [[Inquisition|persecution]] in several [[nation|countries]] for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured [[Trinity]]", holding that [[Jesus]] is the Son of God but "got in over his [[head]]" when he let himself [[death|die]] on the cross. Compies deny the [[Easter|resurrection]], arguing that Jesus is still knocking around somewhere below the [[Jerusalem|Church of the Holy Sepulchre]], a victim of God's omniuselessness. Where other sects revere Early Christian [[martyr|martyrs]] as witnesses of [[Jesus Christ|Christ's]] message, the Wholly Incompetent Church believes their deaths are a prime example of God's fumbling, bumbling ways.
   
  +
Church membership is dominated by [[actor|actors]], professors, [[oil|oil company executives]], [[newspaper|journalists]] and other people who believe they can "do it better."
  +
{{Unchristianity}}
 
== History ==
 
== History ==
 
===Foundation===
 
===Foundation===
[[Image:Comptrammel.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Sidney Trammell, who founded the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent after a particularly bad day.]]
+
[[Image:Comptrammel.jpg|thumb|left|150px|'''[[User:The Humbled Master|Sidney Trammell]]''', who founded the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent after a particularly bad day.]]
The Church was founded by Sidney Trammell, an [[Oxford]] divinity student, in 1612. Trammell, the youngest son of a minor noble from [[Kent]], had shown great promise as a [[student]], mastering [[Greek]] and [[Latin]] by the age of three. At age eight, he completed his first theological work, ''On Whether the [[Pope]] Should Be Burn'd in a Great [[fire|Fyre]] or Stabb'd, Stuffed With [[hay|Straw]] and Displayed Before [[Bear]]-Baytings.'' An Oxford faculty member said Trammell "show'd the sayme adherence to [[truth]] as Wycliffe," and another predicted he would become [[Church of England|Archbishop of Canterbury]].
 
   
Trammell was a [[Star Wars|passionate]] devotee of the [[Henry VIII|Anglican Church]]. When [[Baptist]] preacher Edward Wightman was burned at the stake on April 11, 1612, Trammell organized a celebration nearby, widely regarded as the world's first tailgate [[party]]. Four days later, Trammell had what he described as a "Road to [[Third Epistle to the Thessalonians|Damascus]]" conversion. On [[April]] [[15]], Trammell arose at 5 a.m. to begin his studies. Suffering from a [[headache]], he found he could not concentrate and decided to walk the grounds. While outside, a group of drunken frat members, claiming he was "only a moderately pious [[priest|curate]]," threw [[egg|eggs]] at him and chased him around the [[school]]. No sooner had Trammell lost his pursuers than he ran into his fiancee, who dumped him for Sir [[Decapitation Disease|Walter Raleigh]], saying "a prisoner about to lose his [[head]] is more lively than you." Dejected, Trammell returned home, to find that neighborhood children had taken his Greek grammar and used it as a [[football]].
+
The Church was founded by [[User:The Humbled Master|Sidney Trammell]], an [[Oxford]] divinity student, in 1612. Trammell, the youngest son of a minor noble from [[Kent]], had shown great promise as a [[student]], mastering [[Greek]] and [[Latin]] by the age of three. At age eight, he completed his first theological work, ''On Whether the [[Pope]] Should Be Burn'd in a Great [[fire|Fyre]] or Stabb'd, Stuffed With [[hay|Straw]] and Displayed Before [[Bear]]-Baytings''. An Oxford faculty member said Trammell "show'd the sayme adherence to [[truth]] as [[asshat|Wycliffe]]," and another predicted he would become [[Church of England|Archbishop of Canterbury]].
   
Attending [[mass]] that morning, Trammell prayed for guidance. As the service began the presiding bishop announced, "This is the day the [[Lord]] has made." As he wrote later in ''Grace Inefficiently Handed Out to the Chief of Sinners:''
+
Trammell was a [[Star Wars|passionate]] devotee of the [[Henry VIII|Anglican Church]]. When [[Baptist]] preacher Edward Wightman was burned at the stake on April 11, 1612, Trammell organized a celebration nearby, widely regarded as the world's first tailgate [[party]]. Four days later, Trammell had what he described as a "Road to [[Third Epistle to the Thessalonians|Damascus]]" conversion.
   
:''The words pierc'd my care-worn heart and seem'd to restore balance to my soul. I rose, and shout'd "You speaketh the truth, bishop, for a daye like this could only stem from a God wholly out of his depth." They stood stunn'd, amayz'd by this.''
+
On [[Uncyclopedia:Anniversaries/April 15|April 15]], Trammell arose at 5 a.m. to begin his studies. Suffering from a [[headache]], he found he could not concentrate and decided to walk the grounds. While outside, a group of drunken frat members, claiming he was "only a moderately pious [[priest|curate]]," threw [[egg|eggs]] at him and chased him around the [[school]]. No sooner had Trammell lost his pursuers than he ran into his fiancee, who dumped him for Sir [[Decapitation Disease|Walter Raleigh]], saying "a prisoner about to lose his [[head]] is more lively than you." Dejected, Trammell returned home, to find that neighborhood children had taken his Greek grammar and used it as a [[football]].
  +
  +
Attending [[mass]] that morning, Trammell prayed for guidance. As the service began the presiding bishop announced, "This is the day the [[Lord]] has made; let us rejoice and be glad." As Trammell later wrote in ''His Many Faults, or How I Learned to Sleape at Nyte'':
  +
[[Image:Quakers.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Early Compie meetings were loud and emotional, as people complained about God's subpar work.]]
  +
:''The words pierc'd my care-worn heart and seem'd to restore balance to my soul. I rose, and shout'd "You speaketh the truth, bishop, for a daye like this could only stem from a God wholly out of His depth. But do not rejoice, for He is yet an unmeritable God." They stood stunn'd, amayz'd by this.''
   
 
===Growth and Early Persecution===
 
===Growth and Early Persecution===
[[Image:Quakers.jpg|thumb|250px|Early Compie meetings were loud and emotional, as people complained about God's subpar work.]]
 
 
Trammell was forced to leave Oxford the next [[day]]. Making his way to [[London]], he began preaching and writing his first major work, ''Prayers to Almighty God, With [[Help|Helpfull]] Suggestions For His Improvement'' ([[1613]]). Although Trammell did not expect his new [[religion|sect]] to be popular, he quickly converted all of London's [[lawyer|lawyers]] and was able to purchase a meeting house, which drew a large [[people|crowd]] of people eager to bring the Supreme Being down a peg.
 
Trammell was forced to leave Oxford the next [[day]]. Making his way to [[London]], he began preaching and writing his first major work, ''Prayers to Almighty God, With [[Help|Helpfull]] Suggestions For His Improvement'' ([[1613]]). Although Trammell did not expect his new [[religion|sect]] to be popular, he quickly converted all of London's [[lawyer|lawyers]] and was able to purchase a meeting house, which drew a large [[people|crowd]] of people eager to bring the Supreme Being down a peg.
   
Authorities soon learned about the church, and Trammell was summoned before George Abbot, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to defend his beliefs. Abbott accused Trammell of denying God's omnipotence. "Nay," Trammell replied, "I merely deny his fitness to be in charge of the [[universe]]." Shocked, Abbott ordered him to recant, but Trammell replied "Here I stand. I can not do otherwise. Keep your distance, God, because I know you'll screw it up. Amen."
+
Authorities soon learned about the church, and Trammell was summoned before George Abbot, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to defend his beliefs. Abbott accused Trammell of denying God's omnipotence. "Nay," Trammell replied, "I merely deny His fitness to be in charge of the [[universe]]." Shocked, Abbott ordered him to recant, but Trammell replied "Here I stand. I can not do otherwise. Keep your distance, God, because I know you'll screw it up. Amen."
   
A sustained [[Inquisition|persecution]] began, with many Compies dying for their beliefs. Warned on the scaffold that he risked hellfire, Henry Carver replied "It matters not; God hath no clue what he's doing." Trammell escaped with most of his followers to [[Holland]], writing that he did not fear God's anger, as incurring a bumbling deity's [[Star Trek|wrath]] could be tolerable, and even [[funny|amusing]].
+
A sustained [[Inquisition|persecution]] began, with many Compies dying for their beliefs. Warned on the scaffold that he risked hellfire, [[Henry Carver]], Trammell's foremost disciple and the discoverer of the fabled ''[[Ten General Commandments of All Humanity]]'', replied "It matters not; God hath no clue what He is doing." Trammell escaped with most of his followers to [[Holland]], writing that he did not fear God's anger, as incurring a bumbling deity's [[Star Trek|wrath]] could be tolerable, and even [[funny|amusing]].
   
 
===Immigration and subsequent history===
 
===Immigration and subsequent history===
 
[[Image:Compact.jpg|thumb|left|250px|The Compie fathers make notes on God's mistakes.]]
 
[[Image:Compact.jpg|thumb|left|250px|The Compie fathers make notes on God's mistakes.]]
Trammell attracted more followers in [[Amsterdam]] and continued writing, his works smuggled into [[England]] by faithful Compie followers. Trammell wrote furiously, and published ''Synners in the Hands of a Idle God'' (1622), ''Meditations on a Dysfunctional Trinity'' (1623) and ''On Living With a Confused God'' (1625). Trammell was condemned in absentia in England and sentenced to [[death]]; the preacher wrote that he would resign himself "to whatever [[destiny]] the Lord plans for me, or whatever emerges from his unorganized mind."
+
Trammell attracted more followers in [[Amsterdam]] and continued writing, his works smuggled into [[England]] by faithful Compie followers. Trammell wrote furiously, and published ''Synners in the Hands of a Idle God'' (1622), ''Meditations on a Dysfunctional Trinity'' (1623) and ''On Living With a Confused God'' (1625). Trammell was condemned in absentia in England and sentenced to [[death]]; the preacher wrote that he would resign himself "to whatever [[destiny]] the Lord plans for me, or whatever emerges from His unorganized mind."
   
 
Compies began migrating to [[America]] in 1635, attracted to Roger Williams' promise of religious toleration. After Williams published ''The Bloudy Tenent of Persecution, for Cause of Conscience'', Trammell praised him in a letter, saying:
 
Compies began migrating to [[America]] in 1635, attracted to Roger Williams' promise of religious toleration. After Williams published ''The Bloudy Tenent of Persecution, for Cause of Conscience'', Trammell praised him in a letter, saying:
:''Yea, fore we hath known that each [[man]] must follow his consience; and that no man may be bounde justly to one religion. Fore truely, a God with such a consystent record of failure can not be trusted to establish a single church on [[Earth]].''
+
:''Yea, fore we hath known that each [[man]] must follow his consience; and that no man may be bounde justly to one religion. Fore truly, a God with such a consystent record of failure can not be trusted to establish a single church on [[Earth]].''
   
Trammell died in Amsterdam in 1650. The church [[religion|proselytized]] throughout Europe and North America, and continues to do so today.
+
Trammell died in Amsterdam in 1653. The church [[religion|proselytized]] throughout Europe and North America, and continues to do so today.
   
 
==Beliefs==
 
==Beliefs==
 
[[Image:compeaster.jpg|thumb|left|300px|An [[Easter]] card from the Church.]]
 
[[Image:compeaster.jpg|thumb|left|300px|An [[Easter]] card from the Church.]]
The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent shares some of the same teachings of the [[Church of England]], with a few significant modifications. Accepting the trinitarian view of God, Compies believe [[Jesus]] is the Son of God but insist that he died on the Cross and never rose again. The Church teaches that God could conceivably resurrect his son, but has not or has badly bungled this part of [[salvation]]. Accordingly, Compies reject traditional interprations of the resurrection narratives of the [[Bible|gospels]], saying that God accidentally raised a guy interred next door.
+
The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent shares some of the same teachings of the [[Church of England]], with a few significant modifications. Accepting the trinitarian view of the creator, Compies believe [[Jesus]] is the Son of God but insist that he died on the Cross and never rose again. The Church teaches that God could conceivably resurrect His son, but has not or has badly bungled this part of [[salvation]]. Accordingly, Compies reject traditional interpretations of the [[Bible|New Testament]] resurrection narratives, saying God accidentally raised a guy next door.
   
 
This belief colors the Compie perception of the [[heaven|afterlife]]. The Church holds that neither [[faith]] nor [[good|good works]] lead to salvation. The Church accepts [[Calvin and Hobbes|predestination]], but believes that with Jesus' intercession absent, God has "seriously messed up" the list, meaning people go to [[heaven]] or [[hell]] through sheer chance. By this formula, [[Lenin]], [[philosophy|Spinoza]], [[Elvis]] and [[Ivan the Terrible]] are in paradise, while [[Mother Theresa]], [[hospital|Florence Nightingale]], your grandmother and [[nun|Hildegard von Bingen]] burn in hell. Despite this dire scenario, Compies take comfort in the fact they have a 50/50 chance of making it to heaven.
 
This belief colors the Compie perception of the [[heaven|afterlife]]. The Church holds that neither [[faith]] nor [[good|good works]] lead to salvation. The Church accepts [[Calvin and Hobbes|predestination]], but believes that with Jesus' intercession absent, God has "seriously messed up" the list, meaning people go to [[heaven]] or [[hell]] through sheer chance. By this formula, [[Lenin]], [[philosophy|Spinoza]], [[Elvis]] and [[Ivan the Terrible]] are in paradise, while [[Mother Theresa]], [[hospital|Florence Nightingale]], your grandmother and [[nun|Hildegard von Bingen]] burn in hell. Despite this dire scenario, Compies take comfort in the fact they have a 50/50 chance of making it to heaven.
   
Compies believe that God has always been incompetent, although this proposition was fiercely debated in the Church's early years. Nicholas Stewart, a young Compie preacher in [[Scotland]], taught that God has only been incompetent since [[Jesus]] died and that his resurrection would, in theory, "bring the Almighty up to speed." Hardline Church members condemned this teaching at a synod in [[1687]], holding that "God was, is, and always shall be in over his head." Stewart later led his followers out of the Church, and joined the [[rainbow|Unitarians]].
+
Compies believe God has always been incompetent, although this proposition was fiercely debated in the Church's early years. Nicolaus Stuart, a young Compie preacher from [[Da Vinci Code (ambiguation)|Rosslyn]], [[Scotland]], taught that God has only been incompetent since [[Jesus]] died (from a fall in the bathtub) and that his resurrection would, in theory, "bring our Almighty up to speed". Founder Trammell and other hardline Church members condemned this teaching at a synod in [[1000 AD - 1699 AD#1630|1630]], holding that "our God was, is, and forevermore shall be in over His head." Stuart later led his followers out of the Church, and joined the [[butterfly|Unitarians]].
   
 
==Practices==
 
==Practices==
 
[[Image:Compbible.jpg|thumb|250px|Compies are encouraged to read, critique and grade their Bibles.]]
 
[[Image:Compbible.jpg|thumb|250px|Compies are encouraged to read, critique and grade their Bibles.]]
Compies strongly believe in individual [[conscience]] and the right of every person to find God's screw-ups in their own way. The church encourages members to study the [[Bible]] for evidence of God's mistakes. Compies have gained a considerable [[Tony Blair|reputation]] for their understanding of the Old and New Testaments, although many [[theology|theologians]] are uneasy with Compie theology, grounded in relentless [[bitch|bitching]].
+
Compies strongly believe in individual [[conscience]] and the right of every person to find God's screw-ups in their own way. The church encourages members to study the [[Bible]] for evidence of God's mistakes. Compies have gained a considerable [[Tony Blair|reputation]] for their understanding of the Old and New Testaments, although many [[theology|theologians]] are uneasy with Compie theology and its grounding in relentless [[bitch|bitching]].
   
Compie [[mass|masses]] deviate from standard [[Christian]] services. The Bible is read near the beginning of Mass, but instead of a [[Protestant|sermon]], individual Church members rise and offer critiques of biblical [[character|characters']] actions. "This is where Amos [[lost]] it" and "Here's who Jesus ''should'' have healed" are common statements in mass.
+
Compie [[mass|masses]] deviate from standard [[Christian]] services. The Bible is read near the beginning of Mass, but instead of a [[Protestant|sermon]], individual Church members rise and critique the actions of biblical [[character|characters]]. "This is where Amos [[lost]] it" and "Here's who Jesus ''should'' have healed" are common statements in a Compie Mass.
   
[[Jesus|Communion]] is also different. Compies consider the sacrament important but reject [[Protestant|consubstantiation]] and [[Catholic|transubstantiation]]. As in other masses, the [[priest]] raises bread and wine and repeats the words of Jesus at the [[Last Supper]]. After the blessing, the priest kneels, rises and begins shouting at the Eucharist:
+
[[Image:862209193 l.jpg|thumb|left|A modern-day priest of the Church, openly bitching about the Good Book.]]
:''Hello? HELLLOOOOOO??!! Can you hear me, Jesus? HELLLOOOOOO?????'' (Knocks on the chalice) ''Knock back if you hear me.'' (Places ear on chalice) ''Not a word. Well, looks like God screwed up the presence of his son in the Eucharist. Who's surprised?''
+
  +
[[Jesus|Communion]] is also different. Compies consider the sacrament important but reject [[Protestant|consubstantiation]] and [[Catholic|transubstantiation]]. During the blessing, the [[priest]] raises bread and wine and repeats the words of Jesus at the [[Last Supper]]. Afterward, the priest kneels, rises and begins shouting at the Eucharist:
  +
:''Hello? HELLLOOOOOO??!! Can you hear me, Jesus? HELLLOOOOOO?????'' (Knocks on the chalice) ''Knock back if you hear me.'' (Places ear on chalice) ''Not a word. Well, looks like God screwed up the presence of His son in the Eucharist. Who's surprised?''
   
 
==Criticism==
 
==Criticism==
Line 54: Line 55:
   
 
The church has also aroused criticism from outsiders, who wonder why Compies would worship a god they hold in [[Uncyclopedia is the worst|contempt]]. Compies reply that God is the only God in the universe, and needs all the encouragement He can get.
 
The church has also aroused criticism from outsiders, who wonder why Compies would worship a god they hold in [[Uncyclopedia is the worst|contempt]]. Compies reply that God is the only God in the universe, and needs all the encouragement He can get.
  +
  +
==Religious Texts==
  +
During its early years, Sidney Trammell wrote a great deal of texts on his burgeoning faith, many of which are now regarded as divine canon by the Church. The texts are listed below:
  +
  +
*''The Holy Bible'' (Old and New Testaments, excluding the ''Epistle of Jude'' and ''Apocalypse of John''; now includes ''[[Salvation#History of Salvation|Visions of Iddo the Seer]]'', ''[[Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch#Armaments, 2:9-21|Book of Armaments]]'', ''[[St. Peter|Gospel of Peter]]'', and ''[[Third Epistle to the Thessalonians]]'')
  +
*''On Whether the [[Pope]] Should Be Burn'd in a Great [[fire|Fyre]] or Stabb'd, Stuffed With [[hay|Straw]] and Displayed Before [[Bear]]-Baytings'' (''1582'')
  +
*''The Life and Tymes of Sainte John the Fishermann, as Tolde by Mister Clayepoole'' (''1589'')
  +
*''On the Subjecte of the Almighty'' (''1609'')
  +
*''Prayers to Almighty God, With [[Help|Helpfull]] Suggestions For His Improvement'' (''1613'')
  +
*''His Many Faults, or How I Learned to Sleape at Nyte'' (''1617'')
  +
*''On Why the Worlde Turns'' (''1620'')
  +
*''Synners in the Hands of an Idle God'' (''1622'')
  +
*''Meditations on a Dysfunctional Trinity'' (''1623'')
  +
*''On Living With a Confused God'' (''1625'')
  +
*''Against All Heresies'' (''1630'')
  +
*''By God’s Waning Light'' (''1636'')
  +
*''Heaven’s Lampost Laid Waste, or Christ’s Kingdom Undone'' (''1641'')
  +
*''Yet Unmeritable'' (''1648'')
  +
*''The Day the Lord Made'' (''1652'')
  +
*''Between Myself and the Powers of Darkness'' (''1653'')
  +
   
 
[[Category: God]]
 
[[Category: God]]
 
[[Category: Christianity]]
 
[[Category: Christianity]]
 
[[Category: Religion]]
 
[[Category: Religion]]
  +
[[Category:Articles in this category|Incomp]]
   
{{vfh}}
+
{{FA|revision=1183343|date=30 October 2006}}

Latest revision as of 08:54, March 3, 2012

Compcreation
In the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent's view of creation, God created Adam but accidentally blinded him.

The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent is a Christian church based mainly in North America and Western Europe. Adherents believe God is omnipotent but generally unqualified for His role as deity, citing the Great Flood, the Roman Empire and their own personal failings as proof. Worldwide membership was 30.5 million in 2006.

If you masturbate, God kills you. It says so in the bible.

The sect has been controversial since its foundation, and faced persecution in several countries for its allegedly heterodox views. The church (whose followers are known as "compies") believes in a "fractured Trinity", holding that Jesus is the Son of God but "got in over his head" when he let himself die on the cross. Compies deny the resurrection, arguing that Jesus is still knocking around somewhere below the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, a victim of God's omniuselessness. Where other sects revere Early Christian martyrs as witnesses of Christ's message, the Wholly Incompetent Church believes their deaths are a prime example of God's fumbling, bumbling ways.

Church membership is dominated by actors, professors, oil company executives, journalists and other people who believe they can "do it better."

Part of a series of articles on
Christianity
Jesus-pastor

God
Jesus
Evil Jesus
Satan
The Apostles
Heaven and/or Hell
Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
The Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
New Testament
Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship
Mortal Sin

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
The Pope
Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism Christian erudition
Christian denominations
Christian movements
Christian ecumenism
Christian scholastica
Christian discourses

Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
· Carver

edit History

edit Foundation

Comptrammel
Sidney Trammell, who founded the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent after a particularly bad day.

The Church was founded by Sidney Trammell, an Oxford divinity student, in 1612. Trammell, the youngest son of a minor noble from Kent, had shown great promise as a student, mastering Greek and Latin by the age of three. At age eight, he completed his first theological work, On Whether the Pope Should Be Burn'd in a Great Fyre or Stabb'd, Stuffed With Straw and Displayed Before Bear-Baytings. An Oxford faculty member said Trammell "show'd the sayme adherence to truth as Wycliffe," and another predicted he would become Archbishop of Canterbury.

Trammell was a passionate devotee of the Anglican Church. When Baptist preacher Edward Wightman was burned at the stake on April 11, 1612, Trammell organized a celebration nearby, widely regarded as the world's first tailgate party. Four days later, Trammell had what he described as a "Road to Damascus" conversion.

On April 15, Trammell arose at 5 a.m. to begin his studies. Suffering from a headache, he found he could not concentrate and decided to walk the grounds. While outside, a group of drunken frat members, claiming he was "only a moderately pious curate," threw eggs at him and chased him around the school. No sooner had Trammell lost his pursuers than he ran into his fiancee, who dumped him for Sir Walter Raleigh, saying "a prisoner about to lose his head is more lively than you." Dejected, Trammell returned home, to find that neighborhood children had taken his Greek grammar and used it as a football.

Attending mass that morning, Trammell prayed for guidance. As the service began the presiding bishop announced, "This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad." As Trammell later wrote in His Many Faults, or How I Learned to Sleape at Nyte:

Quakers
Early Compie meetings were loud and emotional, as people complained about God's subpar work.
The words pierc'd my care-worn heart and seem'd to restore balance to my soul. I rose, and shout'd "You speaketh the truth, bishop, for a daye like this could only stem from a God wholly out of His depth. But do not rejoice, for He is yet an unmeritable God." They stood stunn'd, amayz'd by this.

edit Growth and Early Persecution

Trammell was forced to leave Oxford the next day. Making his way to London, he began preaching and writing his first major work, Prayers to Almighty God, With Helpfull Suggestions For His Improvement (1613). Although Trammell did not expect his new sect to be popular, he quickly converted all of London's lawyers and was able to purchase a meeting house, which drew a large crowd of people eager to bring the Supreme Being down a peg.

Authorities soon learned about the church, and Trammell was summoned before George Abbot, the Archbishop of Canterbury, to defend his beliefs. Abbott accused Trammell of denying God's omnipotence. "Nay," Trammell replied, "I merely deny His fitness to be in charge of the universe." Shocked, Abbott ordered him to recant, but Trammell replied "Here I stand. I can not do otherwise. Keep your distance, God, because I know you'll screw it up. Amen."

A sustained persecution began, with many Compies dying for their beliefs. Warned on the scaffold that he risked hellfire, Henry Carver, Trammell's foremost disciple and the discoverer of the fabled Ten General Commandments of All Humanity, replied "It matters not; God hath no clue what He is doing." Trammell escaped with most of his followers to Holland, writing that he did not fear God's anger, as incurring a bumbling deity's wrath could be tolerable, and even amusing.

edit Immigration and subsequent history

Compact
The Compie fathers make notes on God's mistakes.

Trammell attracted more followers in Amsterdam and continued writing, his works smuggled into England by faithful Compie followers. Trammell wrote furiously, and published Synners in the Hands of a Idle God (1622), Meditations on a Dysfunctional Trinity (1623) and On Living With a Confused God (1625). Trammell was condemned in absentia in England and sentenced to death; the preacher wrote that he would resign himself "to whatever destiny the Lord plans for me, or whatever emerges from His unorganized mind."

Compies began migrating to America in 1635, attracted to Roger Williams' promise of religious toleration. After Williams published The Bloudy Tenent of Persecution, for Cause of Conscience, Trammell praised him in a letter, saying:

Yea, fore we hath known that each man must follow his consience; and that no man may be bounde justly to one religion. Fore truly, a God with such a consystent record of failure can not be trusted to establish a single church on Earth.

Trammell died in Amsterdam in 1653. The church proselytized throughout Europe and North America, and continues to do so today.

edit Beliefs

Compeaster
An Easter card from the Church.

The Church of God the Wholly Incompetent shares some of the same teachings of the Church of England, with a few significant modifications. Accepting the trinitarian view of the creator, Compies believe Jesus is the Son of God but insist that he died on the Cross and never rose again. The Church teaches that God could conceivably resurrect His son, but has not or has badly bungled this part of salvation. Accordingly, Compies reject traditional interpretations of the New Testament resurrection narratives, saying God accidentally raised a guy next door.

This belief colors the Compie perception of the afterlife. The Church holds that neither faith nor good works lead to salvation. The Church accepts predestination, but believes that with Jesus' intercession absent, God has "seriously messed up" the list, meaning people go to heaven or hell through sheer chance. By this formula, Lenin, Spinoza, Elvis and Ivan the Terrible are in paradise, while Mother Theresa, Florence Nightingale, your grandmother and Hildegard von Bingen burn in hell. Despite this dire scenario, Compies take comfort in the fact they have a 50/50 chance of making it to heaven.

Compies believe God has always been incompetent, although this proposition was fiercely debated in the Church's early years. Nicolaus Stuart, a young Compie preacher from Rosslyn, Scotland, taught that God has only been incompetent since Jesus died (from a fall in the bathtub) and that his resurrection would, in theory, "bring our Almighty up to speed". Founder Trammell and other hardline Church members condemned this teaching at a synod in 1630, holding that "our God was, is, and forevermore shall be in over His head." Stuart later led his followers out of the Church, and joined the Unitarians.

edit Practices

Compbible
Compies are encouraged to read, critique and grade their Bibles.

Compies strongly believe in individual conscience and the right of every person to find God's screw-ups in their own way. The church encourages members to study the Bible for evidence of God's mistakes. Compies have gained a considerable reputation for their understanding of the Old and New Testaments, although many theologians are uneasy with Compie theology and its grounding in relentless bitching.

Compie masses deviate from standard Christian services. The Bible is read near the beginning of Mass, but instead of a sermon, individual Church members rise and critique the actions of biblical characters. "This is where Amos lost it" and "Here's who Jesus should have healed" are common statements in a Compie Mass.

862209193 l
A modern-day priest of the Church, openly bitching about the Good Book.

Communion is also different. Compies consider the sacrament important but reject consubstantiation and transubstantiation. During the blessing, the priest raises bread and wine and repeats the words of Jesus at the Last Supper. Afterward, the priest kneels, rises and begins shouting at the Eucharist:

Hello? HELLLOOOOOO??!! Can you hear me, Jesus? HELLLOOOOOO????? (Knocks on the chalice) Knock back if you hear me. (Places ear on chalice) Not a word. Well, looks like God screwed up the presence of His son in the Eucharist. Who's surprised?

edit Criticism

Since its founding, the Church of God the Wholly Incompetent has been derided for allegedly making a mockery of God. John Milton wrote 62 pamphlets attacking their errors, and conceived Paradise Lost as a long litany of tortures for Trammell to endure. Others argue that Compies can not believe in a God both omnipotent and klutzy, arguing that an omnipotent being would necessarily be perfect in thoughts and actions. Trammell defended his belief in Synners in the Hands of a Idle God, using numerous biblical citations claiming that God "could have done it better." Trammell was especially critical of God's handling of King Ahab, writing that "I woulde have struck him down at the first sighte of Jezebel."

The church has also aroused criticism from outsiders, who wonder why Compies would worship a god they hold in contempt. Compies reply that God is the only God in the universe, and needs all the encouragement He can get.

edit Religious Texts

During its early years, Sidney Trammell wrote a great deal of texts on his burgeoning faith, many of which are now regarded as divine canon by the Church. The texts are listed below:

  • The Holy Bible (Old and New Testaments, excluding the Epistle of Jude and Apocalypse of John; now includes Visions of Iddo the Seer, Book of Armaments, Gospel of Peter, and Third Epistle to the Thessalonians)
  • On Whether the Pope Should Be Burn'd in a Great Fyre or Stabb'd, Stuffed With Straw and Displayed Before Bear-Baytings (1582)
  • The Life and Tymes of Sainte John the Fishermann, as Tolde by Mister Clayepoole (1589)
  • On the Subjecte of the Almighty (1609)
  • Prayers to Almighty God, With Helpfull Suggestions For His Improvement (1613)
  • His Many Faults, or How I Learned to Sleape at Nyte (1617)
  • On Why the Worlde Turns (1620)
  • Synners in the Hands of an Idle God (1622)
  • Meditations on a Dysfunctional Trinity (1623)
  • On Living With a Confused God (1625)
  • Against All Heresies (1630)
  • By God’s Waning Light (1636)
  • Heaven’s Lampost Laid Waste, or Christ’s Kingdom Undone (1641)
  • Yet Unmeritable (1648)
  • The Day the Lord Made (1652)
  • Between Myself and the Powers of Darkness (1653)

190px-Featured.png

Potatohead aqua Featured Article  (read another featured article) Featured version: 30 October 2006
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
<includeonly>Template:FA/30 October 2006Template:FA/2006</includeonly>
Personal tools
projects