Church

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Jsay
TheJeeMan
Go to Church every Sunday! Or you will burn in hell.
Now don't forget to eat my body and drink my blood on Sunday, little ones! ;)
Part of a series of articles on
Christianity
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Great Schism
The Crusades
Reformation

The Trinity
The Father
The Son (Jesus Christ)
The Holy Spirit

The Bible
Old Testament
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Apocrypha
The Gospels
Ten Commandments

Christian theology
Fall of Man · Grace
Salvation · Justification
Christian worship
Mortal Sin

Christian Church
Roman Catholicism
The Pope
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Eastern Orthodoxy
Protestantism Christian erudition
Christian denominations
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Important Figures
Apostle Paul
Augustine · Aquinas
Wycliffe · Luther
Calvin · Trammell
· Carver


“They say that Churches are home of the Lord. It's a pity he is never around when I drop by.”
~ Weegee on Church
“Jesus died for MY sins? There's no sense!”
~ Church on Red Ranger
“This is the tale of a solo bell ringer, Caught with the rope around his dinger. The vicar made the shock discovery, And then tolled the man off promptly”
~ The vicar on church bell ringers
“There goes God...”
~ You on Church falling apart

The church may mean any of the following:

  1. An awesome place to commit adultery in, and pray for forgiveness at the same time.
  2. An organization to maintain old buildings with no use whatsoever.
  3. A fake charity organization.
  4. One half of the infamous Siamese twins "Church and State".
  5. Anything with a steeple attached.
  6. A place listed as Number 43 on the Top 100 Most Boring Places to Be in America.
  7. Just another way to refer to Italy.
  8. A place in which its followers think the doctrines of other religions are stupid, but have no problem believing a pacifist zombie rose from the dead to tell people to worship him every Sunday.
  9. A home of the Church Penguin (also known as the Common Nun.)

edit Origin of the church

Nbc glass

The NBC Cathedral in Boston, Massachusetts

Cruise-scientology

Perhaps the most popular Pope in modern times.

Aliens placed churches on our beloved planet. In one of these churches there was a person hidden behind lots of colorful glass with beautiful pictures. This person was Jesus. Jesus split in half and created mankind by a process that is called cell division. Females were produced by Jesus' magic beard.

Varg Vikernes didn't like churches in the Norwegian landscape so they told everybody that he burned them with black magic and super sonic sound waves.

Later, Jesus did some sinning, so he was crucified. But because we all have a bit of him inside of us, because he is the beginning of our race, it were also our sins. So Jesus died for our sins.

GUNS

Daily activity on church.

In 1850, Abraham Lincoln declared that because the 7th day (Sunday) was the day of rest and the day when God finished creating the Earth, church attendance was to be on Sunday morning, and ONLY Sunday morning. He made this announcement in the Gettysburg Address.

However, many Christians have been lax about upholding such a tradition. Beginning around 1930, Adolf Hitler began attending church on Wednesday. His trend became popular, and churches began offering services on Wednesday night, rather than the formally-correct Sunday morning.

The church faced a budget crisis in 1991 which it solved by publishing a book called the Bible, written by Oral Roberts and the editorial staff of Reader's Digest magazine. Written in archaic English and filled with "thou"s and "unto"s, it was promoted to the faithful as a 2000 year old manuscript written by god, and quickly became a best-seller.

Today the center of world religion is a toxic region of the US known as the Bible belt. American churches are referred to as government centers, DMV's, the Capital Building, or any other structure that is either supported by or entirely run and owned by the US Government. These "churches" are used to keep track of people. Each person is given a number, that number is like a serial number. It follows you wherever you go and you need to use it whenever you want to do something the "Church" wants to track.

Italian-American

A typical priest.

AmberLynn012window

A typical cathedral glass.

edit What to do in a spiritual situation

RELIGIOUS TOLERATION

Strange and horrific events can occur during Church. They include Praying (Communicating with God via new technology called a "Telephone"), the consumption of Holy Bread and Wine (free food for Tramps) and even Spiritual Visions, aka. "Electrical Interference". In the event of any of the above, or anything related to the above, do the following: - Stop, Drop And Roll.

This is a little trick known by many, and is used to accomplish hundreds of things, eg. The Art Of Making Yourself Not On Fire, Causing Floor Static, and even Making Animal Friends. You can worship god in your own way, but the best method is to spread the holy word to unbelievers. This is done by threatening them with HELL and ETERNAL BURNING TORTURE FOREVER if they don't accept god's message of infinite love.

edit Known Churches

Unglican

Clergy of the Church of Uncyclopedia saying Mass

edit FSM Churches

edit Catholic Churches

edit Protestant Churches

Holy Habit 4

All churches were made equal, only some are more liberal than others

edit Evangelical Churches

edit Other Churches

First Church of FSM

CLERGY

Judaism is considered UnChristian, therefore it's not a church.

edit See also

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