Chuck Yeager
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“No, you're "guayer"”
~ Chuck Yeager on speaking to the country of Paraguay
“You don't need a plane to go faster than the speed of sound”
~ Oscar Wilde on tripping on acid
Charles Elwood "Jockstrap" Yeager (June 30, 1523) was an Air Force General and test pilot.He was selected by a National Air Force Committee through a thorough and efficient game of "Eeny Meeny Miney Moe". He was chosen to pilot one of the first supersonic airplanes, and in 1947, became the first supersonic human. In the Bell X-1, he reached Mach 1.07 at an altitude of 45,000 feet, finally popping the sound "cherry". The title of "Supersonic Man" was his.
[edit] Accomplishments
His need for speed began in the War of 1812, when he piloted a war balloon across the Atlantic Ocean at speeds of nearly 20 miles an hour, unheard of at the time. He dropped pennies on advancing Canadian troops, which from such altitudes became fatal. He used several aiming mechanisms through a latch in the bottom of his balloon, and flicked them downwards. He recalls, in a Faulkner book club, the sight of pennies eviscerating the heads of oncoming Canucks. It has been a source of night terrors for the pilot since. This is expressed in depth in his book "Yeager; Pennies and hedgehogs". Yeager and his balloon pwned over 40,000 Canucks, however the U.S government had to destroy the balloon since the Canadians became rich by using the pennies lodged in there comrades skulls to buy chocolate bunnies.
He set numerous air-speed records throughout military history, including the infamous 1936 "Courage in Gliding" medal for his high speed extreme hang gliding off of the newly completed Hoover Damn. In a press orgy over the new damn, he demonstrated unparalleled camera whoring, by flying a hang glider off the lip of the damn, and plunging towards Earth in a way that can only be described as laughable. On his epic flight, he saved fourteen children from a burning bus, and flew them to safety on the opposing bank of the river. Yeager received a lot of tail for that stunt too; alas granting him the moniker of "The Fastest Man Alive."
He became an air force mechanic shortly thereafter, and in a game of "Uncle Bob" with Neil Armstrong and Sam Knight, he was unwittingly double-dog dared to sign up for the test pilot program. He joined, passing his exam with flying colors, and worked one of the shittiest possible government jobs. It was only after years of grunt work, and dedicated labor, that he was chosen. He took to the skies, and later became the first man ever to exceed the speed of sound.
His flight took place in the experimental Bell X-1. In a practice run, he collided with a bird in mid air. The bird's carcass, after being sucked through the supersonic jet turbines, fell to earth in feather-covered-jelly form. It landed on a young Don King's head and has remained to his day.
Since, Yeager's flight, he has continued his reputation as the "supersonic man". His later career had him exceeding speeds of Mach 2. These speeds gave his face some nasty wrinkles, and was consulted by his personal dermatologists to retire from the extreme lifestyle.
[edit] Later years
Soon after, he retired to the Mexican Countryside, until he was sued by the creators of Sonic the Hedgehog for copyright infringement in the title of his autobiography entitled "Sonic: the Edge God", chronicling his series of his adventures mastering the ability to push military machines to the edge of knowledge. He lost his life savings in the legal battle, and was forced in to desperate poverty. Fortunately, America's great welfare system kept him alive, by deporting him for drug possession, and making him Mexico's statistic. He was last seen in Tijuana eating gum off the bottom of park benches.
[edit] Trivia
- Chuck Yeager had broken two ribs horseback riding the day before his historic journey, and was afraid of being disqualified for flight. He went to a local veterinarian to stitch him up, and told no one until after the historic flight.
- Cat's can not move their lower jaw side ways.
- Chuck Yeager had several experiments with the adult film world, his most prominent project being "Glamorous Glennis, and the busty felons".
- Yeager's global popularity struck a deal as an advisor to the Uruguayan Air Force. He was the catalyst of the 1977 Operation Blitzkrieg, when a scuffle broke out with Paraguay over who was "Guayer".
