Chuck Norris/Facts

Note: If you read any of these, and laugh, beware (unless you are laughing with him). If you're on the same planet as Chuck Norris, you're already dead. If you aren't, wait five minutes. If you are the asshole who made Chuck Norris look gay here, then you are dead.

1. Chuck Norris once tried inbreeding. Thus, the X-men.
2. Chuck Norris is the only person alive with a powerlevel of OVER 9000!
3. Chuck Norris does not "teabag" the ladies. He potato sacks them.
4. Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.
5. Chuck Norris doesn't play God, because playing is for children.
6. Some people sleep with a gun under their pillow. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
7. When Chuck Norris takes a crap, he literally makes holy shit.
8. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
9. Chuck Norris is considered to be so tough, that he clogs the toilet when he takes a piss.
10. Chuck Norris has fifteen Top Ten facts.
11. It is in fact, far easier to list what Chuck Norris CAN'T do. However, that would be an empty list, as he can do anything he wants.
12. Chuck Norris can surf a megatsunami.
13. Chuck Norris once had sex with an iron maiden.
14. Chuck Norris doesn't fear anything. Tsunamis? He stares at them and they turn around. Fires? #He blows out an Empire State building fire with one little puff. Lack of oxygen? Chuck Norris breathes anything he wants.
15. Chuck Norris can drink a cow. Whole.

Chuck Norris isnt funny. Stop laughing

• Adolf Hitler commited suicide because he found out that Chuck Norris was coming to get him. Note that Chuck was about 5 years old at the time.

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a cow, thus inventing beef jerky.

• During the Battle of Britain, Chuck Norris helped the English, serving alongside the anti-aircraft guns. He would roundhouse kick chunks of metal at attacking Luftwaffe planes. His rate of fire was the same as the machine gun turrets he was next too. However, he shot down more planes than the machine gun turrets next to him.

• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Albert Einstein. The result was Stephen Hawking.

• No atomic bombs were dropped on Hiroshima. The Enola Gay simply dropped Chuck Norris onto the city.

• chuck norris has been dead ten years, but death hasnt got the bollocks to tell him
• he has killed Jordan Nestorovski and wiped his ass with the body!
• He was killed by Superman and HE wiped HIS ass with the body.
• Superman is really Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris made King Henry VIII fat.
• Rome once had the Vestal Virgins, then Chuck Norris found them! They're just called "Vestals" now.
• Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.
• Chuck norris is the only thing that can laugh at a atomic bomb and live to tell about it
• The dinosaurs did not go extinct because of a meteor, but because Chuck Norris was on that meteor.
• Chuck Norris once tried eating his sperms, the result was a spork.
• chuck norris started world war 2 because hitler owed chuck 2 dollars.

• In Bizzaro world, Chuck Norris still kicks your ass, just with a roundhouse punch.
• The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make. The actors he beat up kept dying.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
• In an average living room there are over 9.000 objects that Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

• Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds; Walk, and kill
• Contrary to popular belief, a Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick does not kill. The wind it generates gets to the victim first.
• Chuck Norris' beard is a third degree black belt.
• If you find yourself in a dire situation, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you can't do what Chuck Norris does.
• Chuck Norris is the only known person who can match Chuck Norris' skills.
• In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the Jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing Tyrannosaurus Rex. Why? He wanted new boots.
• It's a little known fact that Chuck Norris only chose to endorse the Total Gym to laugh at people trying to be like him.
• It can look like chicken, taste like chicken, and feel like chicken, but if Chuck Norris says it's beef...it's beef.
• Chuck Norris supports your right to bear arms...unless he rips them from your torso.
• Chuck Norris is never late, NEVER.
• Chuck can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

• Chuck Norris once sneezed, thus creating the universe.
• Chuck Norris' computer has no control button. He is always in control.
• Chuck Norris cannot predict the future, the future just better do as he fucking says.
• Chuck Norris sleeps with the light on, not because he is afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
• 42 is not the answer to life the universe and everything, Chuck Norris is.
• 1 Chuck Norris + 1 Chuck Norris = 1 Chuck Norris (Because there is only 1 Chuck Norris.)
• Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.
• Xenomorphs have acid for blood, but when they encounter Chuck Norris, he immediately roundhouse kicks them (making them choke on their own tongue) and drinks their blood
• The nuclear bomb is a scaled down version of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
• To find out who has met Chuck Norris and insulted them, simply check the obituary page for "Roundhouse kicked to the end of the universe".
• Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero
• Cyanide, one of the worlds most deadly anions, has chemical composition CN^–. This is also Chuck Norris' initials. Coincidence? We hope so.
• Chuck Norris is true for all values of killing.
• When taking the SAT put Chuck Norris for every answer, you will score OVER 9000!!!!!!!!
• Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi. But He's Not telling..
• Chuck Norris can find the square root of the color yellow.
• When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the earth down.
• Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the first spine to break when he Roundhouse kicks people (Since 1872 , He Doesn't Age).
• People use spaceships to get into the Universe. Chuck Norris uses the Universe to get into a spaceship.
• Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine explode.
• Chuck Norris squeezes cannon balls for stress relief, and that's where mercury comes from.
• Resistance is futile....unless you're Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his beard.
• Chuck Norris can speak Muslim.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity...Twice today.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity a third time. This time in complex numbers.
• Each time Chuck Norris counts to infinity he starts from minus infinity.
• While some claim that Europeans invented the World Wide Web, it is actually Chuck Norris' beard.
• Chuck Norris can combine General Relativity with Quantum Mechanics.
• Chuck Norris knows the last digit of -1^1/2 / pi.
• Newton's Fourth Law is Chuck Norris. "An object at motion will stay at motion, unless it meets Chuck Norris".
• The Probability of Chuck Norris succeeding in anything is 1.
• The Millennium Falcon can do the Kessel run in 12 parsecs, Chuck Norris can do it in... oh, he's done. You're so slow Mr.Solo.
• Chuck Norris can view BCC recipients in emails.
• Chuck Norris doesn't breathe in air, it hides in his lungs for protection.
• When Chuck Norris drops a cat, it always lands on its back.
• While Chuck Norris was in elementary school he took a math test and wrote the word "violence" for every problem. He got every problem correct. Chuck Norris can solve any problem with violence.
• The universe isn't expanding; it's running away from Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars, that's why there are no signs of life on the Red Planet.
• Chuck Norris is the only one on Earth who knows that Schrödinger's cat is actually dead. It wasn't the poison that killed it—it was him.
• Chuck Norris once touched a sports bra and created the jock strap
• Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
• Chuck Norris has the highest concentration of Midichlorians known to man.
• Tears of joy exist because you have gotten away from Chuck Norris. So why are there tears? Because you know he'll be back for you later.
• Chuck Norris can't display the scientific method because he loses patience with it long before the first step and roundhouses it. Hard.
• The Hiroshima A-bomb was the result of when Chuck Norris played golf.
• If Chuck Norris ever had to go back in time and fight himself, he'd win for sure
• After this Epic battle, his roundhouse got slightly lower. A few days after this, he got mad at a man... The result is the woman.
• Chuck Norris only counts to 1, in Chuck's world there is ONLY number one.
• In Chuck Norris' world there really are 10 kinds of people - Chuck Norris and those who can't count in binary.
• The C in E=mc2 stands for Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.
• Chuck Norris actually parted the Red Sea for Moses, and he did it with a steely glare.
• Kevlar has only one one thousandth the ability of Chuck norris chest hair to deflect bullets
• Chuck Norris mind tricks WILL work on Jabba the Hut
• Chuck Norris can use pi as exactly 3 and still get the correct answer. Chuck Norris is never wrong!
• Chuck Norris is the last digit of pi
• Chuck Norris's sperm cells are roughly the size of a gold fish. They also eat fish food.
• There was no UFO crash in Roswell. It was just Chuck Norris playing with a frisbee.
• Light cannot escape from black holes. Black holes cannot escape from Chuck Norris.
• 97% of the mass of the universe is made up of Chuck Norris.
• The Crab Nebula is the aftermath of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking a star in 1054 A.D.
• The laws of thermodynamics do not apply to Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can solve the halting problem - a roundhouse kick to the input algorithm will always cause it to terminate.
• In exchange for a beer, Chuck Norris participated in a top-secret Nasa program on interstellar travel. There, after several experiments, they discovered how to go faster than the speed of light: They have Chuck Norris roundhouse kick the spaceship, sending it to the speed of one light year per minute. The only obstacle left is making a ship durable enough to withstand the roundhouse kick without having its life-support system destroyed. After thanking him, the scientists gave Chuck Norris the beer they promised.
• The Ultimate answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is...(You're not going to like it...)Is...42. The question is "how many people will simultaneously die if Chuck Norris sneezed in a crowded room."
• Chuck Norris can make a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. But he can still lift it.
• Chuck Norris once kicked a generator so hard it gave off a huge whack of energy. Thus the big bang.
• Chuck Norris entered the 12th dimension, which is where he got his awesome.
• The Titanic sank because Chuck Norris was skipping stones.
• Chuck Norris can accelerate particles to YeV energies with a roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with Livermore's petawatt-class laser.
• The strange jet that shoots out of the galaxy M87 isn't a quasar. Chuck Norris usually masturbates in private places.
• Mr. T was part of the A team. Chuck Norris is a team all by himself, designated by the letter that comes before A.
• Chuck Norris IS the law of physics.
• Chuck Norris invented vulcanization by breathing on rubber
• The idea of Chuck Norris fighting Chuck Norris is enough to make you lose your mind, besides, it's impossible, because matter could not withstand that amount of power.

• The sun is Chuck Norris' soul that controls everything...EVERYTHING
• Chuck Norris has sex with girl in the world once a month. They then bleed for a few days.
• If a tree falls down but nobody is around, CHUCK NORRIS HEARS IT.
• Chuck Norris lives on the surface of the sun.
• Chuck Norris only has clones because ALL of his genes are dominant
• On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
• After getting a splinter, Chuck became so enraged that he declared vendetta on trees and sent out his lumberjack sperm to deforest South America. Now forests know better, so when Chuck passes by, they save him the trouble and burst into flame on their own.
• Gun don't kill Chuck Norris. Nothing kills Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris will bring balance to the Force IS the Force.
• Chuck Norris cures everything from baldness to AIDS.
• Chuck Norris once slept in a volcano, the next day he had a slight tan, but only because he wanted to.
• When Chuck Norris breaks wind rips ass or farts, California has an earthquake.
• The rising of the tide is in direct correlation with Chuck Norris' heartbeat... so is your Mom's menstrual cycle.
• Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.
• Chuck Norris used to work as a lumberjack in what used to be the Sahara forest
• Chuck Norris was the first man on the moon. Want proof? Look at all 'dem craters.
• When Chuck Norris pees while the wind faces him, the wind changes direction.
• If Chuck Norris wants your babies then you impregnate him, no questions, you just find a way.
• Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud. (It was shaped like a bunny).
• Diamond was believed to be the hardest object on earth, until they saw Chuck Norris' erection.
• Chuck Norris sculpted the entire grand canyon in two days, surviving on nothing but arsenic and faeces, all using only his left buttocks.
• The first thing Neil Armstrong saw on the moon was a rock, in which was etched, "Chuck Norris was here."
• Sharks don't live in the ocean because they have gills. Sharks live in the ocean because Chuck Norris doesn't.
• After a 42,000 oz. Mountain Dew, Chuck Norris whizzed on a nearby bush. It sprouted legs and had sex with the nearest dog. The resulting child was the first pirate.
• Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails. He simply holds them back with the strength of his cuticles.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a herd of horses. Their descendants are known today as giraffes.
• Light can't escape a black hole's gravitational pull. Black holes can't escape Chuck Norris' gravitational pull.
• Chuck Norris Once had a Craving For Dodo Meat
• Who are Chuck Norris' parents? Might, Justice, and Cunning; yes, all three.
• Chuck Norris' sperm cells don't swim. They FLY.
• Chuck Norris once gave a mammogram to Mother Nature. She loved it too, the dirty cow.
• When the Sun burns out Chuck Norris will be the alternative method of energy.
• Why is the sky blue? Yeah, you guessed it.
• Even that bloke who dug Lake Geneva was impressed when Chuck Norris killed the (now) Dead Sea.
• If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, rest assured that Chuck Norris heard it... because he caused it to fall.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
• After Steve Irwin died, Chuck Norris personally travelled the globe, and impaled every stingray with his own, personal Chuck Norris stinger. Although he has the power to bring Steve back, Chuck Norris chooses not to, as Irwin must await in Valhalla for the day upon which Chuck Norris will summon those warriors who will join him in battle against Bizarro Norris. Chuck Norris affectionately calls these warriors, "Cheerleaders."
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• The Loch Ness Monster is just one of Chuck Norris' bathtub toys.
• No man's an island. Except Chuck Norris... He's Australia
• The continental divide is a myth, all water flows towards Chuck Norris.

• Ships disappear when they enter the Bermuda Triangle is because Chuck Norris hates it when someone enters his vacation resort without permission.
• Chuck Norris creates hurricanes and tornadoes just by spinning once. The strength is randomly chosen.
• All roads don't lead to Rome... They all lead to Chuck Norris.
• Until recently, it was thought that diamonds were made of carbon. However, after finding shards of Tom Cruise's bones in such a gem, scientists have concluded that diamonds are Chuck Norris' faecal matter.
• There are no such things as orgasms, they are just brief periods of time in which Chuck Norris takes over
• The water level isn't rising because of global warming. It's because Chuck Norris' cottage is not near the sea
• The Great San Francisco Earthquake was actually Chuck Norris throwing an atom on the floor.
• Yes, he can pick up an atom.
• When Chuck Norris jumps into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.
• A meteor did not kill the dinosaurs, Chuck Norris ate them all.
• The only things that will survive Armageddon are cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

• Lions hunt in groups, Chuck Norris hunt groups of lions alone.
• Damien is stronger than Bruce Lee, Superman, Godzilla, and the Incredible Hulk, put together. Unfortunately he is also the biggest cock head in the world, moments after writing this Chuck Norris ate him.
• Chuck Norris is feared by sharks, they call him Great White Chuck.
• They will never find the missing link, because Chuck Norris has them for breakfast.
• A cheetah can run to 65 mph. Chuck Norris can run 65c (times the speed of light).
• Chuck Norris is the only man ever to have had sex with Mother Nature. It, apparently, was 'awesome'. The only problems reported involved wood chips.
• Sobe No Fear is the closest scientists have come to synthesizing Chuck Norris's sweat.
• Scientists decided to test the theory of what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object with the real world example of what happens when Chuck Norris meets Chuck Norris. The findings were lost when all immediate observers were killed in what more distant observers described as a supernova suplexing a black hole.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down
• Chuck Norris once vacationed in the Virgin Islands. Since then, they are called "The Islands".
• The Dead Sea is so called because Chuck Norris once swam in it.
• Chuck Norris once round house kicked a volcano and bam there was Hawaii
• Chuck Norris once sneezed and caused a hurricane
• Chuck Norris is a Natural Disaster
• Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can make running water walk.
• Sharks can't stop swimming, its not because they can't, it because they're afraid Chuck Norris is out swimming in again.
• Chuck Norris once stared at the sun so hard that after a few second the sun got scared shitless that it crapped out the moon, thus creating night.
• When only an infant, Chuck Norris was discovered in the wilds of Yellowstone National Park. The wolves are only now beginning to recover their numbers, and still are critically endangered.
• Before science it was believed that the trees in the forest lost their leaves because Chuck Norris kicked all the trees in the world, at once.
• Whenever Chuck Norris enters a desert, 700 lakes instantly appear, because if they don't Chuck will roundhouse it.
• Chuck Norris can end all droughts. He just looks at the clouds, and they cry.
• Chuck Norris is no tree-hugger, he's a tree-roundhouse-kicker.
• When Chuck Norris slept during Mercury's night (on Mercury, of course) he woke up hot in the very middle.
• Chuck Norris and Mr.T once had a staring contest so intense, that all people within a 5 mile radius instantly became sterile.
• Chuck Norris once killed all the creatures from Middle Earth with one roundhouse kick, even the hobbit Andrew Buss.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a pile of sand after being double-crossed by a merchant from Pompeii. The resultant effect came to be known as Vesuvius.
• Chuck Norris once had ferocious sex with The Unstoppable Force. The resultant offspring is commonly referred to as Cal-El.
• 65 million years ago Chuck Norris took part in a dinosaur eating contest. You know what happened.
• When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, there is no reflection, because only one Chuck Norris can exist at a time.
• Fire doesn't burn Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris burns fire.
• Chuck Norris does not get frostbite, Chuck Norris bites frost.
• Chuck Norris likes lava cakes with real lava.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes from September 21 to December 21, because Chuck Norris never falls.

• Chuck Norris. That is the shortest and most awe-inspiring sentence in the English language.
• Chuck Norris advocates teaching atheism in schools.
• Chuck Norris didn't get lucky on prom night, prom night got lucky when Chuck Norris called the hotel...
• When Chuck Norris' mom told him to study for the test, the greatest mistake in the universe has been committed.
• Chuck Norris does not ask for advice. Advice asks for Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.
• Chuck Norris once...(The author of this comment was found murdered in his dorm room before submitting this post. If any anyone has any information about this murder please visit this website WWW.FBI.GOV. We believe the killer may be... The FBI officer who was posting this comment was found murdered in his office before finishing this post. If any anyone has any information about this murder please visit this website WWW.FBI.GOV. We believe the killer may be Chuck...) This is the head of the FBI... There are dead bodies everywhere, Chuck , If you killed these men I swear I will...
• Whenever Chuck Norris walks, schools need a new World Map.
• Kids in college smoke marijuana. Chuck Norris smokes kids...
• Chuck Norris graduated from the University of Pennsylvania's School of Bad-ass-ed-ness. The school was later demolished because it would be impossible to produce a greater student - apart from the statue of him outside, which was impossible to scratch.
• Someone once tried to deface the statue. The person was roundhouse kicked by the statue before it returned to its original position, unmarked.
• You may be smarter than Chuck Norris,but he can beat you 'till you are not!
• Chuck Norris invented spoons because knives were too easy to kill with.
• There is no entry for "Roundhouse Kick" in the dictionary because Webster was killed after he asked Chuck to demonstrate it.
• The government decides who lives and who dies, Chuck Norris decides who is born
• Chuck Norris holds a degree in thermonuclear physics, and can create fusion in the gas tank of his SUV.
• Children light ants on fire for fun. Chuck Norris lights children on fire for fun--using ants.
• Chuck Norris never learns. He already knows.
• Pi used to be 4. But Chuck got bored with it, so he beat it into the shape we now know.
• Chuck Norris built Rome in a day, and destroyed it in ten seconds.
• Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, Horses are hung like Chuck Norris
• Chuck Norris caused continental drift by roundhouse kicking Pangaea in the face.
• Chuck Norris went through the IB program...four times. And he didn't do a single CAS hour, bitch.
• The iceberg sank the Titanic; Chuck Norris sank the iceberg
• In Ancient Egyptian history, it was Chuck Norris who killed King Tut.
• Chuck Norris eats a puppy every time you edit Uncyclopedia. There goes one now.
• Chuck Norris impales a Nazi every time you edit Uncyclopedia. EDIT: death to the Nazis!
• No man's an island. Except Chuck Norris... He's Australia.
• Contrary to what you've heard from the Cookie Monster, "C" is actually for Chuck Norris.
• And contrary to what you've learned from any other episode of Sesame Street, every letter is for Chuck Norris. Every number is for Chuck Norris. Everything is for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris taught bad-assedry to some hot women. They are the Amazons.
• In school, Chuck Norris did not consult books. Books consulted Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris originally taught "Kick Yo' Ass 101" at Steelballs University but was fired for being too tough on the students. Chuck agreed with the decision, but melted the school governor's face with his breath because of his insolence.
• Chuck Norris was the founder of The Roundhouse Kick.
• Spelling transcends Chuck Norris - Every combination of letters that is used in a phrase by Chuck Norris is automatically a correctly spelled word.
• Chuck Norris does not read books, he stares at them until he gets the information he wants.
• There is a book entitled "How to Escape from Dangerous Animals." The page entitled "Escaping from Chuck Norris" simply says: "Good luck!"
• Chuck Norris speaks only three languages: violence, roundhouse kicks, and English. He only uses the third on the worst of situations.
• July 4th is Independence Day because Chuck Norris lets America be free for one day.
• Chuck Norris broke the fourth and fifth walls, with his fist!
• If you look in Chuck Norris' dictionary, under "S", you wont find the word "Survivor".. because in Chuck's world, THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS!
• Chuck Norris is ready for the test, but the test, unfortunately, wasn't ready for Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris served in the second Vietnam destroyed the Vietnamese leader "George Foreman" and ending the war in two days with only a pair of toe nail clippers, a butter knife, some shoe string, Dr.Phil's right testical, and Martha Stewart....George Foreman had only this to say after the war "I don't know what hit me. Also, try my new communist nuke's. They blow the fat right out of ya!"
• Every theory of evolution or creation is false. How the earth was really created was by Chuck Norris round-housed the empty void known today as our universe. The universe isn't a solid, and therefore could not be actually kicked, you say? Try telling that to Chuck Norris. He'll set you straight.
• Alternately, every other theory about how the universe came to be that has to do with Chuck Norris is also true. You know why? 'Cause he's a bad-ass. Seriously. Make one up right now. Then, go to Chuck Norris' house and ask him to take you back in time to see how the universe is created. Of course, in order to do so he would have to perform a round-house kick on your face, which you would not survive. You would still see how the universe was actually created, but then you'd be boned.
• Many students today learn that people immigrated around the world because of Chuck Norris. They're right.
• Chuck Norris was to be on the 1,000,000 dollar bill, but he roundhoused the mint because they took a bad photo.
• When Chuck Norris applied for college, his essay consisted of only a photo of himself. No universities declined him.
• All schools teach Chuck Norris in every subject.
• Chuck Norris got a 100% on a paper just for signing his name.
• The paper then burst into flames because it could not contain the awesomeness.
• Chuck Norris fills out his tests with a blue crayon. He has never scored less than 240%.

• Chuck Norris is God... nuff said.
• The Red Sea had sharks until Chuck Norris came
• Chuck Norris doesn't go to heaven. Heaven goes to him and gets roundhouse kicked.
• Jesus wears a "Chuck Norris is my god" bracelet...
• Chuck Norris has the original signed Bible.
• Chuck Norris is the God of gods.
• Jesus wasn't perfect. He was only following in the footsteps of Chuck Norris.
• Some people have tattoos of Jesus, Jesus has a tattoo of Chuck Norris.
• People would sell their souls to the devil. The devil sold his soul to Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris makes wine by pissing.
• Samson pulled down the temple. Chuck Norris pulled down the sun.
• May god have mercy on your soul, because Chuck Norris won't.
• God did rest on the 7th day, because Chuck Norris was in there waiting for him, with a gun.
• Chuck Norris does walk on water.
• Chuck Norris has the only known photographs of a naked Eve. And they're signed.
• Chuck Norris was the one who actually ate the forbidden fruit.
• For Chuck Norris, there is always room at the inn.
• When Chuck Norris, Mr. T, and Vin Diesel went to Heaven, all the angels wondered where they would sit. Mr. T took his position at the right hand of God and Vin at the left. Chuck Norris looked at God and said, "You are in my seat." God then became his footstool.
• There was going to be the holiday of Chuckmas, but Mr. Norris preferred Chucknukah. The celebration of the one roundhouse kick that lasted eight nights.
• Chuck Norris Evolved from Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris says jump, God says how high.
• After death, there is life. Before death, there is Chuck Norris killing you.
• Most religious people believe. Chuck Norris knows.
• Atheists don't believe in God nor Chuck Norris. They soon believed in Chuck Norris as he killed them.
• When Chuck Norris decided to become a missionary, the first country he visited was Soviet Union during the Cold War. In there he kicked ass so hard.
• Chuck Norris once took a dump after eating a meximelt from taco bell. It was radio active and use as a fuel source.
• Chuck Norris can't die because God doesn't want him in heaven(because he thinks he will kill everyone on heaven) and Satan is afraid he will rule.
• The Bible was originally named "Chuck Norris and friends".
• Sure, Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through the earth.
• Jesus walked on water, Chuck Norris walked on Jesus.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard. Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other three Wise Men, angered by Jesus' favoritism, had Chuck Norris removed from the Bible. He then killed the three wise men.
• God created the Earth. Chuck Norris created God.
• Moses split the Red Sea. Then Chuck Norris appeared and split Moses.
• It wasn't Moses that caused the Nile river to turn to blood, it was an alligator's blood because Chuck Norris just happened to wrestle an alligator in it during that time.
• Jesus turned water into wine, but Chuck Norris turned wine into beer.
• Chuck Norris was the real person to come out of Jesus' tomb after three days of killing Jesus.
• If you say Chuck Norris three times after midnight...Somewhere in the world...one of your friends die.
• Jesus' birthday is not on December 25, but 24. But one year, Chuck Norris gave Jesus a birthday card on the 25, and Jesus was too scared to tell him he was wrong.
• Thou shalt not roundhouse. That's Chuck Norris's job.
• All of those capitalized "He's" and "Him's" in the Bible actually refer to Chuck Norris.
• And on the first day GOD said "Let there be light," and Chuck Norris said "Say please".
• Death is the reason of why Chuck Norris is awesome.
• If you ever find Eve, tell her she's mad for having sex with Chuck for me.. oops roundhouse.
• People pray to God for forgiveness. God prays to Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris is the 11th plague. The plague of Roundhouse Kicks.
• God no longer exists. Chuck Norris let himself be killed by Darth Vader and went up to Heaven. When he met God, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked God in the balls and then stuffed a box of grenades into his throat, and God's head blew up. Chuck then held Jesus at gunpoint and forced him to bring him back to life. Darth Vader, realizing that the only thing Chuck Norris didn't have was hyperdrive, fled to the other side of the galaxy out of fear.
• There are no "What Would Jesus Do" bracelets. There are only "What would Chuck Do" bracelets.
• Even though nobody can do what Chuck Norris can do.
• The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a symbolic reference to Chuck Norris' limbs.
• "Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six... And his name is Chuck Norris..."
• Jesus wears a W.W.C.D braclet,meaning what would chuck do?

• Chuck Norris can heal instantly from any wound. The only downside to this ability is that it is useless because he can't be harmed in the first place.
• Chuck Norris does NOT have a dick and balls. Unzipping his pants will reveal more fists!
• Chuck Norris gave himself a Tonsillectomy... with a chainsaw.
• His shit holds a black belt in smelliness. The smell holds a black belt.
• His piss also holds a black belt and is highly corrosive. Hope he does not piss or shit on you!
• His FARTS holds a black belt
• What's the lethal dose of Chuck Norris? ANY DOSE!!!
• Chuck Norris doesn't get AIDS. AIDS gets Chucknorrisitis. And dies.
• Chuck Norris is a proctologist. He cures constipation by kicking the shit out of you.
• Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer and HIV. Too bad he has never cried, never.
• Chuck Norris has an addiction to the drug 'roundhouse kick'. When someone told him to see someone about it, well, you can guess what happened...
• To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 seconds.
• Chuck Norris' DNA is not double helix. It is a double roundhouse.
• Chuck Norris likes to knock cute women out and have sex with their unconscious bodies.
• The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
• Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth; he simply pours Listerine into his vodka twice a day.
• Chuck Norris' sweat is powerful enough to burn holes through solid steel, but luckily his skin is too hard for him to perspire.
• Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.
• Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet (110V, making him safe for use on site).
• Guns don't kill people, Chuck Norris does.
• Chuck Norris has his own brand of sleeping pills. The only ingredients are his fists and your face.
• When Chuck Norris went to donate blood, he declined a syringe and instead asked for a bucket and a handgun... the blood was later used to fuel 3 nuclear bombs.
• Chuck Norris' hair stops growing at Chuck's word.
• Chuck Norris can split a razor blade down the center--with his thumb.
• Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
• Chuck Norris invented heart disease because he wanted to spend more time sleeping with women.
• Being near Chuck Norris for extended periods of time has been clinically proven to cause cancer.
• When people are constipated, doctors tell them they are going to send them to see Chuck Norris - it literally scares the shit out of them.
• Chuck Norris will perform brain surgery on you, before you even know you need it.
• Chucknorriphobia: The fear of getting kicked in the face by Chuck Norris. All human's have Chucknorriphobia. There is no cure. And it's always lethal.
• Chuck Norris is never ill (but he is sick, uh oh...Roundhoused). Sorry, he is never ill or "under the weather".
• If you wake up in the morning it's because Chuck Norris spared you.
• Chuck Norris may reanimate the dead if he so pleases, but only to kick their ass again.
• Bacteria don't attack Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris attacks bacteria.
• The person who made the last entry is now in the hospital with roundhouse-related injuries.
• The person who made the last entry is now geography. And the scenery is suffering from "having someone's spleen being fired by a roundhouse kick launching into buildings" related injuries.
• Chuck Norris once created his own kind of flu, it's called Ebola.
• Chuck Norris is known as Bernard Matthews in the UK.
• When Chuck Norris has surgery, they apply the anesthesia to the surgeons.
• The leading cause of death is Chuck Norris. Oh wait, it's the only cause of death.
• Chuck Norris is the only person to EVER survive an abortion. For good measure, he ate the doctor alive shortly afterward.
• Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
• Chuck Norris can turn shit into gold. But only shit of other people. Cause his shit is already gold.
• Chuck Norris is immortal. This is because he is immune to all human maladies. Also, he roundhouse kicked Death in the face, Death became so scared of him that he quit his job, Chuck Norris became Death's replacement.
• Chuck Norris once drank an entire bottle of Sleeping Pills. They made him blink.
• Chuck Norris had a twin, but Chuck Norris killed him while they were still in the womb, just to watch him die.
• Chuck Norris' dick holds a black belt.
• Chuck Norris himself does not have aids, but he can give it to whoever he wants.
• Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack, as his heart isn't foolish enough to attack him.
• An extremely poisonous snake once bit Chuck Norris. After three weeks of unbearable suffering, the snake died.
• Chuck Norris can heal from any wound but since he is invincible his healing power is useless.
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad. And his mom.
• Chuck Norris does not have skin; instead, he is covered in innumerable tiny fists.
• Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.
• For some the left testicle is larger than the right, for Chuck Norris each testicle is larger than the other.
• Chuck Norris's chemo is in to way related to leukemia; instead, it is putting you outta yo' misery. Forever.
• Chuck Norris has an uncuttable jugular vein. Only he can get to it, and he uses it to tame Golden Oozarus.
• Chuck Norris once got a splinter in his finger. He then ripped off his own arm, beat 12 people to death with it and instantly sprouted a new arm. He then crafted a house out of the splinter using nothing but his severed arm as a tool.
• When Chuck Norris wants erotic electrostimulation, he taps into a nuclear power plant.
• If a woman has two X-chromosomes, and a man has XY, then Chuck Norris is YY

• Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
• Every time you clap, a fairy dies. Every time Chuck Norris claps, all remaining fairies die, get brought back to life, summoned to Chuck Norris, and roundhouse kicked in reverse orbit so fast they go back in time to 6 days ago, so Chuck Norris can do it all again.
• Gandalf let Chuck Norris pass.
• Chuck Norris had a wet dream, the ejaculated semen submerged the lost city of Atlantis.
• Chuck Norris can make every prayer in the world come true. He's just too busy roundhouse kicking the shit out of the sinners.
• The Spartans admitted that he 'showed promise'. Chuck Norris was touched by this, and only killed them very gently.
• Contrary to popular belief, there are five classical elements in the world: Earth, Fire, Air, Water and Chuck Norris.
• Atlas isn't holding up the Earth. He's holding up Chuck Norris' left testicle. There isn't a lever long enough to hold up his right.
• Chuck Norris found ancient Rome's Vestal Virgins. They, like others he found, are no longer virgins, after he got to them.
• Minotaurs are the result of Chuck Norris impregnating cattle.
• 'Ragnarok' is viking for 'crap, here comes Chuck Norris'
• Other sources say Chuck Norris coined the phrase "I could eat a horse" after he ate every unicorn in existence.
• Morpheus, the god of dreams, usually creates nightmares for petty mortals until they pissed their pants in their sleep. Morpheus however, pissed his pants when he dream about Chuck Norris.
• The legendary weapons were all made and forged by Chuck Norris's Beard. The list includes the Excalibur, Masamune, the BFG, the Master Sword, the ICBM tactical nuke and the Golden Nun-Chucks.
• There is no fiction on Chuck Norris, for He is Fact.
• Ever head of the Headless Horseman? He was once an ordinary Horseman. Until he met Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris saw Helen of Troy and said, "She's not pretty."
• Chuck Norris, while on Mars, kicked some mud from a puddle into the air. The mud later became Earth.
• Clouds don't rain. They weep, for fear of Chuck Norris.
• The CN Tower is the tallest building in the world. With those initials is it any wonder?
• Say what you want about Chuck Norris. Just know that he's listening.
• Chuck Norris once spent the night in the Lincoln Bedroom at the White House. Not because he was invited, but because he was tired and he felt like it.
• I believe the children are our future... and that Chuck Norris fathered them all.
• The Big Bang was caused by Chuck Norris clapping.
• God said "Let there be light," and Chuck Norris said "Say please."
• In Chinese mythology, Chuck Norris shot down nine of the ten suns, but he let Houyi take the credit.
• Chuck Norris killed all the Dragons because they ate Virgins, then made sure there were no more Virgins for them to eat. He could have done this first, but felt it was more fun this way.
• Some people kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills an army of an army of 10 billion blood-thirsty bald eagles with

• In his spare time Chuck Norris knits sweaters. By knits, I mean roundhouse kicks, and by sweaters, I mean people who piss him off.
• Chuck Norris can eat lightning and crap thunder.
• How many Chuck Norrises does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows, because whenever Chuck Norris needs light he puts a baby on a stick and lights it on fire.
• Chuck Norris was originally cast in the movie Predator, but then the title would have been Predator vs. alien with a pointy stick.
• Chuck Norris CAN kill John McClane... with a roundhouse kick!
• Chuck Norris has been in all 3 Final Destination movies. His role in the movies? Death
• Chuck Norris didn't start the fire, but he sure as hell finished it.
• Chuck Norris was once invited to dancing with the stars.. he quickly declined, citing, "Dancing is for pussies..", and he immediately proceeded to roundhouse kicking the producer who invited him to the show, in the head..
• George of the Jungle has to watch out for that tree, but that tree has to watch out for Chuck Norris.
• Clint Eastwood once said to Chuck Norris, 'Do you feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?', out of respect Chuck said, "Nobody calls me punk.." and roundhoused his punk calling ass, this is contrary to his usual of kicking right in head no warning routine.. Chuck Norris always has respect for the elderly.. remember that kids.
• The Force is NOT with Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the Force.
• Chuck Norris doesn't laugh, he sues.
• Chuck Norris owns all EIGHT books of the Harry Potter series.
• Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father. Chuck denies this, however, as the boy is too wimpy to be his spawn.
• Chuck Norris saw "Rebel Without a Cause" and HATED it. James Dean's death was NOT caused by a car accident.
• The movie "Bruce Almighty" was originally going to be "Chuck Almighty". But they changed the title because every time they shoot the final scene, the human race gets eradicated.
• The reason that Ashton Kutcher is so awesome is because Chuck Norris spared him.
• Chuck Norris has seen "I Am Legend" and immediately roundhouse kicked Will Smith's face for 2 reasons, 1: If there was going to be a human-eradicating virus, Robert Neville and Chuck Norris would be the survivors and 2: Only Chuck Norris can be legend.
• Chuck Norris taught the Vocaloids all of their songs, including and especially Ievan Polkka.
• Chuck Norris sang Ievan Polkka with a leek in hand. The leek became a celebrity afterwards.
• Chuck was originally cast for a member of the crew in the movie Alien, but turned it down when the producers suggested he'd actually need a spacecraft. Chuck Norris could have hauled the ore on his back while banging the alien queen herself.
• Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass, he makes his own.
• If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. They refused and he roundhouse kicked it into a Wendy's. He still got his Big Mac.
• Chuck Norris would have been the main character of the movie Kung-Fu Hustle but he was too strong. Then Chuck Norris killed everyone who helped with the making of the movie after it was made. He only spared the movie because it had all the Kung-Fu styles Chuck Norris mastered. Yet he hates the movie for being made by Japanese people. Now Chuck Norris is the god of Japanese people.
• Chuck Norris decided to challenge the Thing and the Hulk. All it took was one kick to win- and from then on, they were better known as Thulk.
• Chuck Norris pities Mr T.
• When Cthulu sees Chuck Norris, he goes insane.
• Cthulu taught Chuck Norris the roundhouse kick... After Chuck Norris taught Cthulu the roundhouse kick!
• Chuck Norris eats a Kellogg's cereal, Pieces of 8, for breakfast in the morning.
• Chuck Norris steals the socks from your dryer, because with every roundhouse kick, 30,000 are burned off the planet.
• The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.
• The above person who typed that died by a roundhouse kick to the face. This person typing here will be next.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have to find da computer room, da computer room finds him.
• The band Senses Fail used to be called "Senses Okay" but they unforunately met Chuck Norris.
• Despite what is shown in "Star Wars: A New Hope" Alderaan was never destroyed. When the Death Star fired its superlaser at Alderaan, Chuck Norris, who was visiting the planet at the time, spotted the laser and roundhouse kicked it, deflecting it through time back at the Death Star, blowing it up. All the crap about proton torpedos and a small exaust pipe was made up by an embarrassed Rebel Alliance.
• The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris is so awesome he can leet speak like www.learnleetspeak.com. He just has too much dignity to do so.
• Chuck Norris can crush diamonds into liquid form.
• Chuck Norris ended the "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".
• Iron Maiden fears the dark.....and the dark fears Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris knows who the hell you think you are.
• Chuck Norris can fight the moonlight. He always wins with a swift roundhouse kick.
• In Asterix, Getafix doesn't create magic invulnerability potion, he uses Chuck Norris's semen, at the price of 10 Gaulish virgins.
• The real reason Sauron's tower fell was because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it, not because of some hobbit throwing a ring into lava.
• According to Death Note "How to use LXVII":

1) Chuck Norris can be used as the death cause. Same with roundhouse kicks.

2) If you write Chuck Norris in Death Note as a person you want to die you will die.

3) Chuck Norris will not be affected by Death Note and your death cause will be roundhouse kick or Chuck Norris - he will get you before the heart attack.

• No one knows where Springfield (the one where the Simpsons live) is because that is where Chuck Norris goes to be alone. And no one wants to bother him during "Norris-time".
• Chuck Norris was originally considered for the lead role in 24. But after killing all of the terrorists in 12 minutes and 43 seconds, the producers decided to go with someone else.
• Once, Chuck Norris watched television. It insulted his upright Christian belief system, so he sued everyone who owned televisions and won.
• Chuck Norris is a dicj666mgjhgi09999999999999999 (The person who wrote this is now dead).
• Chuck Norris killed the person who wrote the above fact. While he was at it, he killed this one too.
• Dale Gribble is paranoid because he thinks that Chuck Norris is after him.
• Chuck Norris shot J.R., killed Laura Palmer, perpetrated the Moldavian Massacre, and knows where the beef is. He ate it.
• Hank Hill has no butt because Chuck Norris kicked it off him when he was a child.
• The bunny was late...to Chuck Norris's foot rub.
• Chuck Norris got on a plane. The snakes said that, "Enough is Enough! We have had it with this motherfucking Chuck Norris on this motherfucking plane!" Chuck Norris now wears Snakeskin clothing worth several $1,000s US.
• Chuck Norris was going to be in Full House, but got kicked out after he demanded changing the series' name to Round House.
• Chuck Norris did see it coming on Johnny Test.
• Chuck Norris once saw a guy's head spin... right off his shoulders! Why? 'Cause he punched him!
• Chuck Norris does not need to apply head-on directly to the forehead.
• The Enterprise's mission is "to boldly go, where no man has gone before". No man except Chuck Norris of course. He's been everywhere. At least twice.
• The Knights of Prosperity" doesn't have a second season because they were planning to rob Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can watch "60 Minutes" in 20 seconds.
• chuck norris dosent like scrubs and if you do then he WILL find you and he WILL kill you, he only lets the show continue so he can find ALL the scrubs fans.

• You will never find Carmen Sandiago, Chuck Norris makes sure of that...
• The Tralfamadorians can't be seen, not because they live in the Fourth Dimension, but because they are hiding from Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris is what's eating Gilbert Grape.
• Remember the scene in Jurassic Park where the T-rex chased the car? The T-rex wasn't chasing the car, Chuck Norris was chasing the T-rex and the car.
• Chuck Norris once wrote a play called "The gay adventures of Mr.Shakespeare". He then decided plays were for pussies and roundhouse kicked the script out of existence.
• The Big Brother is watching you. Chuck Norris is watching Big brother.
• Chuck Norris once read a book entitled "The Chuckstrich." He sued the authors, kicked them after he collected his cash, and caused their girlfriends to lose their virginity.
• Chuck Norris was in Harry's house the night Voldemort failed to kill Harry. Chuck was the reason Voldemort lost his body for 13 years. This was Chuck's only failure in recorded history. (Note: The person who wrote this fact is now a corpse buried 500 miles under the Martian surface.)
• Harry didn't kill Voldemort. Chuck Norris did. Harry said it was a fluke, and he died a roundhouse-related death.
• In "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," the Vogons didn't destroy Earth. Chuck Norris did. With one hit. Also, Arthur only ended up on their ship because Chuck threw him in hopes that he'd die soon.
• When Aragorn's ancestor Isildur killed Sauron, Chuck turned him into the Eye so it could do his evil bidding.
• While Chuck Norris may have only gotten a "C" in Language Arts, he is a great author: He stares at the ink, which arranges itself into beautiful stories out of fear of Chuck.
• Chuck Norris knows what 42 means. He used the roundhouse kick of infinite improbability on Douglas Adams in the face to prevent him from uttering it to anyone... EVER.
• Chuck Norris once finished an Everlasting Gobstopper.
• Chuck Norris is the Ultimate Dragon Rider. He is both the rider and the dragon.
• The Tin Man wraps up Chuck Norris's lunch every day.
• IN the Harry Potter series, There was really 5 houses in Hogwarts, the 5th one was Chuckindor and Chuck Norris was the Head of that house. The only way to get to the house is to survive a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, sadly, everyone who wants to go to the house dies and it was considered as a secret.
• I think, therefore I am, but only if Chuck Norris says it's okay.
• Chuck Norris said life is fair. You going to disagree?
• No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it - unless that wind is Chuck Norris' breath.