Chuck Berry

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Chuck-berry1

No, that's not a black man with a 22 fret long dick.
That's Chuck raping a guitar!


Chuck Berry was born deep down in Louisiana, close to New Orleans, Way back up in the woods among the evergreens, in a log cabin made of earth and wood. Chuck never ever learned to read or write so well, but he could play the guitar just like a ringing a bell. So think about that for a second. Unless you have no fingers, toes or a nose, or even a forehead to press against a doorbell, then you can relate to how easy it is for this man to play a guitar and why he is considered the godfather of Rock N Roll. In-fact, he created Rock N Roll pretty much by himself. No, he really did. The Andrea Sisters had just released "Don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me" and this caused a rage inside of Chuck that he felt he had to do something to make good music for the people, so they wouldn't have to have their ears raped by dumb ass white wimins. Being that this was the early 1950's, one has to imagine what it is like in the present time listening to Justin Bieber, and wanting to just kick Beiber in the head, but violence against women is not the way to go.

edit Early Life

Chuck was born during the early 1900's depression. So he couldn't get wasted like many of the other famous negro musicians of the time. So he instead practiced the guitar that he used to carry around in a gunny sack, go sit beneath the tree by the railroad track. The engineers would stop and see him sitting in the shade, strumming with the rhythm that the drivers made. People passing by they would stop and say. Oh my that little nigger boy sure can play! Mind you, this was the 1950's. In today's society they would be more likely to say, "Pffft, That African American kid is a fucking Angus Young wannabe".

His mother told him "Someday you will be a man, And you will be the leader of a big old band. Many people coming from miles around, Just to hear you play your music when the sun go down. Maybe someday your name will be in lights, Saying Johnny B. Goode tonight." Chuck then gave his mother a back-fist to the mouth and said, "Bitch, my name Chuck, not Johnny"

edit Stealing the Invention of Rock N Roll

Chuck had been looking for a new sound. He was tired of Jazz, Blues & Pop. Being that he was black, he didn't even know country music existed. Much unlike today, but that's because John Lovit's would not make High School High for another 40 years. Chuck wanted to bring the 1950's to a close with a style of music that could make teenagers dance and have fun to, but what to do? He searched and searched for a new sound.

On November 12th, 1955, Chuck received a phone call from his cousin Marvin Berry who was doing a gig at a high school dance. His cousin simply stated, "You know that new sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" Chuck then heard someone belting out the notes to a song that blew his mind. When the call was over, he sat down and emulated what he heard and wrote his first song "Johnny B Goode" in tribute to his mother who kept calling him that as a kid. He skipped out on the final verse during the recording. The verse was about how his mother was a whore, had 100 kids, could not keep her legs shut, and never remembered any of their names. When asked in an interview if Chuck perhaps had a brother named Johnny that his mother confused him with, Chuck casually responded, "Nah, dat bitch was just a fuck brain".

edit Ring Ring Goes The Bell

As soon as 3 o'clock rolled around. Chuck would tell a teacher she didn't know how mean she looked before he went home and played his guitar some more. Chuck was not only a great musician, but he loved women too. In fact one night while riding along in his auto mobile. With his baby beside the wheel. Cruisin' and driving slow. With no particular place to go. He decided to stop and take a stroll. Out in the Kokomo. But imagine the way Chuck felt. When he couldn't undo her safety belt. So all the way home he held a grudge. To that safety bell that wouldn't budge. From that day on Chuck packed a switch blade with him to prevent any obstacles ever getting in his way of eating pussy ever again.

Chuck seemed to really like the younger girls. While making out in his car one day with his sweet little sixteen, a police officer discovered the couple and Chuck was charged with 'indecent exposure in a public area', 'sex in a public place' and 'fornicating with a minor'. The third charge was dropped however when Chuck pleaded,"I didn't know she was 16, I thought she just shaved it!"

edit Roll Over Beethoven

Chuck bought a Saint Bernard once and taught it to sit, beg, roll over and play dead.

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You got who on the phone? The Doc's not gonna like this.

edit Old Time Rock N Roll

After high school, The ole brown eyed handsome man figured it was time to stop sitting around playing with his own ding-a-ling (A toy his grandmother had given him) and hit the road to let the world hear his music that he invented. Well, he pretty much invented it. He had no idea who that guy was playing on the phone that day his cousin called him. As long as that mother fucker never steps forward and says Chuck was ripping him off, then Chuck would tell every one he invented Rock N Roll. Chuck would often mumble to himself before a gig, "Dat white ass punk boy show up here I stab a mother fucker! Rock N Roll be mine now, bitch. Shit!"

Between 1957 and 1969 Chuck recorded several top 10 smash hits that the world still enjoy today. However, most people only remember 3 of them, and the rest have been covered by so many other bands and artists that they don't even know Chuck wrote them. Take that opening theme from The Wonder Years. No, wait, that's The Beatles... what did Chuck write? Hmmm... oh yeah, you know that song in the title of this space of the article? Yeah, Chuck wrote that. Sure, Bob Segar's version is more recognizable, better in ways, and much more well known... but in the end, it was Chuck da mother Fucka who wrote that shit originally, dawg!

Chuck not only pioneered Rock music, but he knew how to sell himself and make sure that even if people forget his name, a motha fucka can still get paid. Chuck teamed up with The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Etta James, Little Richard, Jerry Lee Lewis and Bruce Springsteen. For the time Chuck had made small comebacks, but eventually kept fading back into the darkness as a guy people knew the music of, but through other musicians. Unfortunately Chuck made a comment about AC/DC's Angus Young, "Dat nigga stole my dance moves" and was not invited to play with them which could have made his sorry black ass famous again.

ChuckBerryHailHailRocknRoll-Still3


It may be bigger than mine, white boy.

But you sure don't stroke it like a black man!

edit The Reelin' Rockin' Hot Momma Showin' I be a Strokin' Incident

During the 1990's Chuck sat on his ass watching TV. Well, more what is on his TV. Chuck opened a chain of women's clothing stores where he set up spy cameras in each of the changing rooms. Chuck like to inspect da muff, yo! He was caught out on this in the mid 1990's when Chuck fucked up and handed a woman in his store her purchase and said, "Dat crotchless panties make yo va-jay-jay look tight, gurl. MMM HMMM".

Chuck's business' where shut down, leaving Chuck without any gigs, money or whack off material. Chuck was then made a permanent resident in an old folks home in Texas where he was living with a guy who claimed he was the real Elvis, and a black man who claimed he is JFK but the government dyed his skin black to hide him from exposing the truth about his involvement of the death of Marilyn Monroe. Chuck was inspired to make a comeback and write a song with Elvis about JFK killing Monroe by making her choke on his 14' inch dick. But the record company would not beleive a white man had a 14 inch dick to begin with, and now he's black? "Day said that motha fucka always been black, he aint JFK" so we didn't get a record deal. Shit, way to keep a black mother fucker down. All I was doin' was makin' sure they had the fuzzy-wuzzy so'z a motha fucka don't get charged with eatin' a bald taco again. Sheeet. Then they lock a nigga up and say he crazy for writing diss song. Fuck it."

So Chuck just lived off his royalties and money earned in charging thousands of dollars to any mother fucker who wanted to cover one of his songs. "Shit, that Bob Segar motha fucka paid me in a watermelon and 3 piece deep fried chicken feed from KFC for the rights to "Old Time Rock N Roll". Now look, no motha fucka left who even know dat was my song. Shit. God damn Britney Spears ho wanna cover "Run, Run, Rudolph?", shit son. Pay a motha fucka."

Chuck berry 1

MMM MMM Gurl, I hope you is old enough to bleed!

edit Present Day

Chuck was spending his days in the retirement home a bitter old man. His last stint in the media came at a disco party they had at the club. Someone asked Chuck to dance and he told her he would not join her on the floor, in fact he was late for the front door. Unless they started playing that old time rock n roll. Other wise he just wanted to go home, sit by himself, pull a few records off the shelf. Stick a VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas and play with his own ding-a-ling-a-ling.

At the request of the lady Chuck spoke to, she asked the DJ to play some old time rock n roll music. The DJ stopped the music, announced this oldie but a goodie was for Chuck and on came the sound of Bon Scott shouting "Long Live Rock N Roll". Chuck was quick to drop his smile and stab the DJ in the nuts for playing that. Chuck escaped the event and went into hiding and has not been seen since.

Some believe he had a sex change and calls himself Halle Berry now, and pursued an acting career. Others say he spoke to the men who dyed JFK black, got them to dye him white and has taken on the persona of Josh Todd [1]. Which would make sense as Chuck really did love the cocaine and crazy bitches.

edit Discography

  • After School Playing With My Ding-a-Ling Sessions (1957)
  • One Dozen Berry's (The 6 Berry Family Orgy) (1958)
  • Chuck Berry Is on Top, She's on Bottom and my Ding-a-ling is in full swing. (1959)
  • Hoppin' On My Rocks (1960)
  • Hey Baby, Wanna See Something Swell? (1961)
  • Two Great Guitar players and Only One Rubber Johnny (B. Goode) (1964)
  • St. Louis to Liverpool Gangbang (1964)
  • Chuck Berry in London Lovin' The Toothless Gummers (1965)
  • Fresh Berry's (1967)
  • Chuck Berry in Memphis, and Jane, and Debbie, and Connie, and Gladys... (1967)
  • From St. Louie to Frisco. The Next Gangbang. (1968)
  • I Didn't know she was 16, I thought she shaved it! (1969)
  • Concerto in A. Minor. (1970)
  • Back Home To Face The Charges(1970)
  • San Francisco Jews (1971)
  • The London Chuck Berry Sexual Escapade (1971)
  • Berry, Chuck Berry. Shakin', but stirred. (1975)
  • Fuck It (1978)
  • Buy This Mother Fucker. (1981)
  • In His Underwear (1988)
  • Watching Someone Else In Their Underwear. (1994)
  • Wish I Had Not Fucked Up and Was Invited To The Monsters of Rock To Share The Stage With AC/DC. (1992)
  • My Sweet Little Sixteen is now an Ugly, Saggy Ho Ready to Receive a Happy 100th Birthday from The Queen. (2013)

edit References

  1. Lead singer of the all girl rap band Buck Cherry
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