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|National motto: "In Aslan we trust (because he's not Jesus)."|
|Localization||Beyond the Outer Rim, just south of the Rishi Maze|
|Official language||Narnglish, bastardized mix of English and traditional Narnian|
|Current Ruler(s)|| King Percy the Happened To Be Passing By (head of government)
Aslan (head of state/supreme spiritual leader)
|Capital||Cair Paravel (official), Beruna (seat of government)|
|Other Major Cities||Beaversdam, Lantern Waste, Nuclear Waste, Hoboken, Byte Con City|
|Population||Unknown (all surveyors eaten by trees (talking))|
|National Heroes||Aslan (Jesus), Lucy Pevensie, Leonidas|
|National Cuisine||Baby back ribs (centaur), Talking Horse Burgers, Grass|
|National Anthem||Jesus Is Aslan If You Believe|
|Allies||Middle Earth, Disneyland, Pirates, Hobbits, Texas|
|Enemies||The Mushroom Kingdom, Disneyland Empire, Ninjas, Texas|
“I am so far inside the closet, I can see Narnia.”
According to most historical sources, Aslan the Great is the de facto ruler / deed holder to Narnia, but 99% of the time he leaves it in the charge of handpicked puppet monarchs (usually underage foreigners) while he inspects his other properties around the Multiverse or fucks off to god knows where so he can snatch schoolchildren, push wine glasses off the counter or chase the big ball of yarn again. However, Aslan himself commissioned well-known Tolkien sympathizer and closeted homosexual C.S. "Ol' Staples" Lewis to write The Chronicles of Narnia, a series of highly fictionalized accounts are little more than libellous propaganda depicting Aslan as some sort of Jesus who created Narnia and all its inhabitants by beatboxing into a tub of Ben & Jerry's. Sadly, due to extensive efforts on the part of Lewis and the Pevensie crime family, the latter viewpoint is the more commonly accepted. Narnian citizens find these books incredibly offensive.
edit History of Narnia
edit The Beginning
Information about Narnia's history is scarce, because researchers keep popping up dismembered and covered with claw marks. Ancient Narnian mythology references some pretty psychedelic shit about magic rings and talking elephants, but in this enlightened age Narnian scientists all agree that the lamp-post and the winged horse share a common evolutionary ancestor. According to TV Tropes, a lion named Aslan received Narnia as part of a divorce settlement in the year 1204, and began using it to toy with emotionally vulnerable schoolgirls who wandered into it through their bedroom closets. After endowing beasts with the ability to speak, think, and tweet like himself, Aslan abducted a hapless taxi driver, to rule over this "vast domain" (actually smaller than Texas and containing mostly trees (talking)). Jadis, Queen of the defunct Kingdom of Charn and one-time paramour of Aslan, sought political asylum in Narnia after some unfortunate legal troubles involving a thirteen-year-old pageboy. To earn her citizenship, Aslan sent her on a quest to bring him a new iPhone from Narnia's only Apple Store, located on the far side of an impassable mountain range; disgruntled, she kept it for herself and achieved immortality by downloading the Immortality app.
edit Reign of Jadis
If you believe Lewis's account, Jadis used her wicked Jew sorcery to plunge Narnia into a century of "always winter but never Christmas" (since Jews hate Christmas and all), but sources closer to the queen claim she was just trying to hold the place together while Aslan was diddling ladyboys in Thailand for a hundred years, and the snow was an innocent side effect of her well-meaning attempts to reverse drastic climate change brought about by eons of minotaur farts. During this time, she made several important reforms: legalizing weed and same-sex dwarf marriage, repealing archaic laws that required all Narnians to scratch Aslan behind the ears and let him run through their homes at 3 AM, and planting millions of trees (talking) to cut down on greenhouse gases.
edit The End of Winter
Years later, a troubled girl named Lucy Pevensie entered Narnia after discovering the professor's "stash." There, she met a pedophile who called himself "Mister Tumnus" and lulled the girl to sleep with mood music and spiked earl grey tea. Jadis (who by this time was known as the "White Bitch," because she was white and Narnians are not known for their imagination) knew "Mister Tumnus" through their government-ordered sex offender program, and when she found out she immediately issued a court order summoning Lucy's brother Peter, sister Susan and sexy, sexy brother Edmund to the royal palace. The Pevensies were granted asylum by a pair of friendly Canadian citizens. Aslan returned from a hundred-year "business trip" to The Zoo and found his kingdom overrun with pedophiles and talking trees. He rescued Lucy from the clutches of Mister Tumnus and promptly devoured her. When the Pevensie family threatened a lawsuit, Aslan wisely found a loophole in Narnian civil law whereby he avoided litigation by sacrificing himself on the Stoned Table. This led many to believe that Aslan was Jesus, though Jesus himself denies it.
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the White Bitch managed to lure Edmund to away by jingling her keys (the boy was as mentally deficient as he was sexy, damn his eyes). Her plan was to become pregnant by Edmund and spawn a race of evil boy wizards who would wrest rule of Narnia from Aslan and his cronies. Fortunately, Edmund managed to accidentally break the Bitch's wand, and she was indicted on charges of statutory rape and luring a minor (to commit illegal immigration). Under Narnia's bizarre Opposite Day / "eye for an eye" -based system of penal law, Aslan raped the Witch and had her deported to the Lone Islands. Peter married his sister Susan (in accordance with Narnia's mandatory incest laws), and was crowned High King, a title he would certainly live up to when he discovered the joys of Narnian cannabis. Out of gratitude to their benefactor Aslan (and fearing he would tear their faces off otherwise), the children constructed a gigantic litter box for Aslan's "personal use," which later became the Calormenian Desert. And what should the High King and Queen find there but Lucy, freshly deposited and very much alive. Under the "Pair the Spares" policy, Queen Lucy was shafted (after a shower) with the task of being married to Edmund, whose favorite activities were throwing rocks at the elderly and trying to set dwarves on fire.
Nine months later, Jadis gave birth to a litter of kittens and Aslan was forced to once again leave Narnia to avoid paying child support.
edit The Golden Age
The time in which Narnia was ruled by the Pevensies is known as the Golden Age because Peter captured a shitload of leprechauns in the Great Leprechaun Invasion of 1322 and took their pots of gold. The market price of gold hit rock bottom, devaluing Narnia's currency and ruining the economy. Peter next began construction a massive wall along the Wild Lands of the North to keep out the giants, who kept wandering into Narnia and taking up less-than-minimum wage landscaping jobs. This project sunk the kingdom further in debt. Queen Susan mistook Lucy's magic healing juice for one of those little bottles of hotel vodka and drank the whole thing, leaving the populace without healthcare. And Edmund somehow got some poor drunk mermaid pregnant. With their approval rating at an historic all-time low, the Pevensies finally fled the country without paying 30 years of back taxes. Thanks to weird time fuckery they turned back into children as soon as they left, which meant they were minors and thus could not be prosecuted. Adrift and leaderless, the country slipped into a 1000-year dark age that nobody really felt like writing about.
edit The Dark Age That Nobody Really Felt Like Writing About
edit The End of the Dark Age That Nobody Really Felt Like Writing About
Eventually Leonidas (eldest of Aslan's kittens) and his army of furries seized control of Narnia with overwhelming support of the population, which by that time had dwindled to three well-endowed male centaurs and one extremely nervous pony. Aslan arrived in Narnia for his court-appointed visitation with his feline offspring and found the whole place overrun with Mexicans. He located the Pevensie siblings at a bus stop, waiting for a bus that (in a startling twist of events) had not arrived yet, and extorted the children into returning with him by threatening to reunite them with Edmund, who had remained behind alone in abandoned Cair Paravel castle smearing the walls with his excrement, before eating it to survive. With the aid of a dwarf real estate mogul named Trumpkin, they managed to rid Narnia of Mexicans and make the stupid talking trees get back to work (they were all on strike or something). Aslan threw one of his famous orgies, during which Peter conceived a three-eyed hermaphrodite child with his wife-sister Susan. They named the child Craspian, who later became King and Queen of Narnia after defeating Leonidas by shining a laser pointer into the ocean. Edmund made an appearance at the coronation for the express purpose of flinging feces at his inbred nephew. Aslan was so amused by this that he devoured Peter and Susan, sued the White Witch for custody of Leonidas, and left Narnia for the lucrative world of furry porn. Lucy was forced to remain married to Edmund, because someone had to stop him putting his underwear in the toaster all the time, but was exiled from Narnia so her torment would last longer.
edit The Craspian Era
Over the next few centuries, Narnia was ruled by nine hermaphrodite king-queens named Craspian who grew progressively more inbred with each generation. As Craspian IX was hopelessly sterile, s/he was unable to produce an heir. Craspian X, also known as "Craspian of the Flowing Locks," was stolen from his parents (Hayden Christensen and John Snow ) at birth and adopted as the crown prince. Though he avoided the crippling genetic defects that plagued his predecessors, Craspian X the stress of waiting for Aslan to appear on his doorstep with a decapitated squirrel and those damn English schoolkids to fuck up his shit drove him insane. He adopted a fake Spanish accent and began talking to a sock puppet he called "Reepicheep."
After years of therapy, Craspian set out on a healing cruise to the Lone Islands—but soon picked up a trio of unwanted passengers: Queen Lucy the Long-Suffering, King Edmund the Turnip, and their severely developmentally disabled son Eustace. (Lucy had brought her son and husband to Narnia in hopes of finding a suitable parking lot to abandon them in.) It was Eustace who was responsible for driving Craspian over the edge--literally, the king hated it so much he vowed he would sail off the edge of the world because death was preferable to one more day on a ship with Eustace and his father. if it meant an end to Eustace's incessant babbling. Eventually Craspian used his dark magic to turn the boy into a dragon. Aslan attempted to eat Eustace, but choked on the scales and settled for eating Lucy and Edmund, whom Craspian had abandoned on an island of invisible rapists. Also he married Lady Gaga (Craspian, not Aslan).
Craspian X returned home crazier than he had left, wearing his wife's makeup and going around shoving pencils into his subjects' faces. He spent his final years writing angry, incomprehensible letters to Narnian newspapers and listening to old ZZ Top albums. He later overdosed on sleeping pills. His son Xanax was kidnapped by the "green witch" (actually just Jadis in a green nightgown) and forced to mine diamonds with her army of dwarfs.
Narnia's political system is one of extreme instability. Over the centuries, rulers have ranged from evil witches to retarded children from other worlds. Elections have never been held, although the popular Talking Animal Liberation Front (TALF) has a substantial following. The only other known social organization, the Talking Tree Alliance, has been dormant since instituting a Narnian Arbor Day.
The Narnian monarchy has always been controlled by humans, despite their extreme minority in the overall population. Control is maintained with strict legislation, the support of talking lion and amateur filmmaker Aslan, and a brutal, well-trained force of Riot Dwarfs.
edit Important Figures
“Aslan may, in fact, be a representation of Jesus.”
“What a bunch of fur-wanking douchetards.”
“A furry Jesus. Meow! Yiff!.”
Aslan (from Ancient Turkish as, meaning "ass," and lan, meaning "lion") first appears on the world scene in 247 BC, when ancient Roman historian Plooney the Sticky-Fisted mentions an enormous lion that devoured several children and then sang a song about it. Aslan decided he enjoyed eating children so much, he would create his own country where he could lure children to their deaths. Unfortunately he lost all his capital betting on flying horse races and had to settle for the low-budget land of Narnia, which was being auctioned off by its original owners, Walden Media.
He quickly populated his new land with mythical creatures such as centaurs, fauns, and Katy Perry. This violated several zoning laws, and Aslan fled to Japan to avoid prosecution, leaving Narnia in the hands of a passing taxi driver. He returned a millennium later to sue Jadis the White Witch for custody of their child, Leonidas, and ultimately devoured all four of the Pevensie children who had ruled his kingdom intermittently for a millennium.
When accused of using Narnia as a tax shelter, Aslan responded by tearing his accusers' faces off and defecating on their remains. He then called all of the inhabitants of Narnia into a stable that was bigger on the inside, set it on fire, sold their homes at inflated prices and retired to Jamaica with the profits. He later starred in the hit movie AVP: Aslan Versus Predator.
edit The White Bitch
“This woman brings new meaning to the term 'ice box.'”Jadis Millicent von Bitch IV, AKA the "White Witch," AKA the "Off-White Witch," AKA "Aslan's Plaything," was a supreme bitch. Really. She showed up at Aslan's parties without being invited, vandalized his summer cottage, prank-called him at odd hours and trapped Narnia in a century of winter because she "felt like it." She also seduced Edmund Pevensie numerous times when his siblings were on the phone or otherwise occupied. After consummating her on-again, off-again relationship with Aslan, Jadis became the mother of triplets, the eldest of whom was named Leonidas. Many argue the coupling was non-consensual, but conspiracy theorists maintain that "she was asking for it."
Jadis was born in 566 B.C. to an impoverished farm family. She was the only surviving child of forty-two, having murdered her nineteen brothers and twenty-three sisters in their sleep. Recently uncovered manuscripts reveal that Jadis and Aslan attended the same boarding school. Jadis despised the young lion, who (along with his cousin Simba) constantly tormented the young woman through spying on her in the girls' locker room, stealing her lunch money, tearing her limbs off, and other juvenile pranks. They had a brief relationship that ended after a disastrous prom date. Disillusioned, Jadis turned to witchcraft to ease her inner pain.
Jadis graduated from university and became a schoolteacher, but was convicted of statutory rape and lost her teaching license. Her subsequent hatred of all life led her to become Queen of the vile, corrupt city of Charn. After killing everybody on the planet for sport, she realized a queen is no queen without subjects to rule and subsequently set off in search of boys.
Visiting several worlds without success, Jadis stumbled upon Narnia, which was then under construction. Who should she find there but her old nemesis Aslan, smoking Cuban cigars and leering at secretaries. Using compromising photos taken the night of their high school prom, Aslan blackmailed her into stealing him an iPhone from Narnia's Apple Store, which was located on the far side of an enormous mountain range. Jadis kept the magical device and achieved immortality by downloading the Immortality app.
Following the Golden Age, Jadis spent several centuries in Japan as a web designer. She became lonely in her immortality and longed for the bygone days of seducing Narnian boys. She returned to Narnia and kidnapped Xanax, son of King Craspian X, promising him night after night of fun in a kinky bondage chair of her own design. Jadis narrowly survived an assassination attempt by Captain Puddleglum of the elite Narnian Marshwiggle Brigade, and went on to a lucrative career in infomercials marketing her revolutionary sex chair.
All the stories agree the witch is dead. Is she?
This deranged vagrant was arrested numerous times for distributing deadly weapons to children. Despite Narnian Border Patrol being placed on highest alert from November 1 through December 31, the fat bastard always finds a way back in.
edit The Pevensie Family
edit Pevensie the Elder
The shadowy patriarch of the Pevensie clan, little is known about this mysterious man. Mentioned briefly in C.S. Lewis's notes as an "insane botanist," rumours abound that he created the talking trees that populate much of Narnia, frightening the hell out of unsuspecting loggers. Also he may have fathered a child by his daughter, Susan, who died of cancer.
edit Mrs. Penisvensie the Elder
The mother of Peter and Susan (and possible Edmund, Lucy, and the White Witch) appears in only the first five pages of The Chronicles of Narnia. In a particularly disturbing scene, she urges the children to sew buttons onto their eyes to protect themselves from the violence and devastation of the Greater War. She is defeated when her hand is slammed in a door by Lucy.
edit Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater Pevensie
“Peter is the hottest person in the world. Peter is cooler than you will ever be! Lol! OMG! Ponies.”
Peter was a Greater War veteran who led his family to Narnia to escape religious persecution at the hands of the Eggnogstics. He married a lapsed Eggnogstic named Amelia, was crowned High King of Narnia by Aslan, and soon ingratiated himself to his subjects by legalizing prositution, racial segregation and the hunting of centaurs when in season. High King Peter struggled with a crack-cocaine addiction all his life, an addiction that eventually forced him to abdicate the throne. He returned centuries later at Aslan's behest to save Narnia from the evil Donald Trumpkin, and later fathered King Craspian I.
After Craspian's ascendancy, Peter was supposedly eaten by Aslan, but conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the High King to get out of paying his back taxes, and that he actually retired to Archenland and married Lilith, the woman she-devil of the sea. He became enchanted and began murdering unicorns as peace offerings to Aslan. Lilith and Peter had seventeen children, all of whom were eaten by Craspian IV for breakfast one Sunday morning.
edit Susan B. Pevensie
“Incest is not a four-letter word.”
Queen Susan married her brother Peter at the start of the Golden Age, and he schtupped the hell out of her almost every night. Nevertheless, thanks to the longevity of Narnian contraceptives, it was not until centuries later that she gave birth to their son Craspian. Other than this major contribution, Queen Susan largely stayed out of the limelight. Historians agree that she was probably just getting her period.
After Craspian ascended to the throne, Susan was eaten by Aslan. However, many conspiracy theorists maintain that this was an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the Queen in order to start fresh, and that her identical twin sister was eaten in her place. She had a passionate sexual relationship with her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson Craspian X, and died of complications from bulimia.
She didn't get to go to Heaven.
edit Edmund "The Turk" Pevensie
The youngest son of Mr. and Mrs. Pevensie the Elder (or possibly Peter and Mrs. Pevensie, or possibly Mr. Pevensie and Susan) was severely retarded. He also had schizophrenia and Winnie The Pooh bi-polar disorder. Nevertheless, he didn't let that handicap stop him from becoming, in the words of Aslan himself, a "magnificent asshole." Edmund nearly became the undoing of his siblings when he sold their souls to Jadis in exchange for Turkish delight. As punishment, he was only permitted to throw his own feces at visiting dignitaries on Tuesdays.
Edmund also smoked weed a lot and ate whatever he found in sight. He was accused of selling drugs in the Western Forest and at Hogwarts, but he was never arrested because he was too mentally unstable.
Rumours persist regarding Edmund's sexual preferences, based on an unconfirmed report tying him to a well-known prostitute: a talking mink named Annabelle. However, conspiracy theorists maintain that "Annabelle" was actually a pseudonym for Lucy Pevensie, as revealed when the letters are rearranged, translated into Arabic, and juxtaposed with promotional posters for The Dark Knight. He was abandoned by his siblings and spent the Dark Age pulling the legs off of insects and urinating in his water supply.
Upon their return, his older siblings (who may have been his parents) saw he had no future. Thus they forced Lucy to marry him, on the grounds that someone had to keep him from putting his underwear in the toaster all the time. He spent the majority of the Craspian age in the Lone Islands, splitting his time between a lucrative modelling career and defecating in mailboxes. He conceived a child with Lucy named Useless, who was (although many leading Narnian scientists and wizards had declared it impossible) even more screwed-up than his father.
When Edmund went one whole week without chewing holes in the mattress, Lucy rewarded him with a cruise on Craspian X's pleasure yacht, the Dawn Tripper. Some say he sailed off the edge of the world into a sleazy time-share Aslan owned, called "Aslan's Country", but historians agree that Edmund died when he collided with the Space Shuttle Columbia over Texas.
As discovered later, when the hundreds of bodies were found in the forest, Edmund had also been a psychotic ax-murderer.
edit Lucy Doe-Eyes Pevensie-PevensieThe youngest child of Pevensie the Elder (or Peter Pevensie... you see where we're going with this?) has led a troubled life. Her wildly inappropriate relationship with a middle-aged faun is a matter of record, as is her marriage to her mentally retarded brother. After she "discovered" Narnia in the back of an enchanted medicine cabinet, she received from a shady drifter a bottle of "magic fire-berry juice" that would allegedly heal all wounds. Unfortunately, she drank the entire bottle, thinking it was a new energy drink, leaving her the proud owner of a shiny new colostomy.
Lucy has been described as Aslan's favourite, although conspiracy theorists maintain that "Aslan" is actually a highly sophisticated hoax crafted by Lucy in order to get attention.
edit Ballsy Pevensie
Only appearing in early drafts of the first Narnia book, Ballsy was removed from the story at the behest of Lewis's editors for homosexual overtones. He was intended as a wisecracking sidekick who proposes outlandish solutions to simple problems. He was later written into the fourth book as Captain Puddleglum.
edit Michael Howard "Mr. Tumnus" Jenkins
Mr. Tumnus, age 91, was the first Narnian encountered by young Lucy Pevensie. He invited the girl back to his cave for "dinner" and "dessert" and "small talk" and fruity drinks mixed with wine coolers, which he called "Aslan juice". Unbeknownst to Lucy, "Mr. Tumnus" was an alias of Michael Jenkins, a convicted Narnian pedophile and founding member of the Narnian Faun-Girl Love Association (NAFGLA). In exchange for a suspended sentence, Jenkins was ordered by the White Witch to hand over any children under the age of 16 that he should happen upon. Tumnus decided he wanted Lucy all to himself, and had "dinner" with her several more times until their liaisons were discovered by the Pevensie mob family. Jenkins disappeared mysteriously soon after.
edit The Craspians
There were twelve Craspians in all. Here they are listed in numerical order:-
- Craspian I - Originally arrived in Narnia on a tourist visa. When that expired and when King Peter disappeared, Craspian took over the country.
- Craspian II - Ungodly mutant offspring of Craspian I and... Craspian I. Repealed Narnia's controversial anti-bestiality laws. Killed when an angry mob mistook him for Clay Aiken.
- Craspian III - Bastard child of Craspian II and an unsuspecting chihuahua. Died when a phone book fell on him.
- Craspian IV - Bastard love-child of Craspian III and a dwarf's left leg. Died from complications of rampant steroid abuse.
- Craspian V - Child of Craspian IV and a passing milkmaid. Forced thousands of dwarfs to sing on their way to work. Found in his chambers, stabbed to death with thousands of tiny pickaxes, every orifice stuffed full of diamonds.
- Craspian VI - Originaly a dwarf union leader named Bubbo, he forged himself into Craspian V's will as sole heir. This of course led to civil war with Craspian V's legitimate heir, Miraz I. The war ended almost before it begun, as Miraz's "legendary sword" was made of cardboard and his "army" was comprised of several hundred Lego people and a diseased owl. Craspian VI made several important reforms including the abolition of height restrictions on roller coasters, and died at the ripe old age of 105.
- Gaius Octavian Craspian "the Great" VII - Adopted son of King "Bubbo" Craspian VI. United Archenland, Narnia, Harfang and parts of Calormen into a great empire that dissolved when nobody could agree on a common name for this conglomerate. Killed by his own ambition.
- Craspian VIII - Daughter of Craspian the Great and his eighth wife (or perhaps his seventh). Ran a highly efficient regime despite being a girl. Died of a yeast infection.
- Craspian IX - Second son of Craspian the Female and a cloth merchant. Revolutionized the bathrobe industry by developing a new, super-comfy terry cloth. Abdicated amidst a scandal when it was discovered the new cloth contained satyr hair.
- Craspian IX and a Half - Not actually named Craspian but his real name is now lost. Third son of Craspian VIII. Usurped the throne after Craspian IX's retirement and formed an unpopular alliance with the Telemarketings. Killed by Craspian X.
- Craspian X - Pronounced "Craspian Ecks". Grandson of Craspian the IX and an Asian mail-order bride. Rose to power after defeating the Telemarketings. Later went Bat Fuck Insane.
- Craspian X-2 - Purported sequel to Craspian I. Featured altered battle mechanics and an all-female cast.
It was also found out afterwards that an "N-Series" of the Craspians had been launched by an internationally fucked-up company called NOKIA persuading Aslan and Jades to breed and they kept on sponsering the rulers.......
edit Narnia's Neighbors
- Archenland, located immediately to the south of Narnia, is kind of like Canada in that it is the pleasant, non-threatening neighbor everyone forgets about. Many talking animals get their vaccinations in Archenland where it's cheaper, despite protests from Narnian veterinarians.
- Calormen, further south, is populated entirely by terrorists who worship a bloodthirsty warrior god named Tash. Despite frequent tensions between the two nations, Narnia relies heavily on Calormene sand exports to keep Aslan's litter box fresh. Also Osama-bin-Laden had taken refugee in Calormen during his exile.
- Telemarketing. Persistent enemies of Narnia. Always calling at ungodly hours to bamboozle Narnians into changing their magic providers.
- Ettinsmoor is a relatively cold barren wasteland immediately north of Narnia, known for its champion skiers because there is absolutely nothing else to do there. It has neither lions nor tigers and is quit literally where only the mentally retarded rule.
- The Wild Lands of the North are a popular vacation destination for many young Narnians during Spring Break. These untamed areas are notorious for their ghouls, hobgoblins, barbarian hordes, and underage drinking.
- The Great Eastern Ocean is a body of water to the east of Narnia, almost entirely inhabited by Mermaids and Fishmen. Many pirates have fallen off the edge of the world while sailing this sea in search of the Pirate King's legendary treasure One Piece.
edit Narnia in fiction
Narnia was popularized in the series, The Chronicles of Narnia:
- The Monkey's Uncle
- The Lyin' Bitch in the Bathrobe
- The Whores and Their Boys
- The Craspian Formerly Known As Prince
- The Hallucination of the Dawn Tripper
- The Leather Chair
- The Last Prattle
These are fanciful stories involving the land of Narnia. Most Narnians are offended by them.
Peter Pevensie commissioned C.S. Lewis to write the Chronicles as propaganda in an effort to cover up his (Peter's, not Lewis's) horrible crimes. Lewis paid little attention to the actual details of Narnian history, seeing them as an opportunity to indoctrinate children with the evil religion of Scientology (see His Dark Materials).
edit Accessing Narnia
In ancient times, Narnia was accessed via the Bajoran wormhole. This method of entry was shut down after a horrifying "Narnia-Star Trek crossover fanfiction" incident. Centuries later, an early model of the Tardis was created that looked rather like a wardrobe. Discontinued because of disastrous malfunctions, the only prototype was used in Olde Englande to burn witches; when witch-burning went out of vogue, the wardrobe was stored in Professor Claus' attic and largely forgotten until 1952 when Lucy Pevensie fled through it into Narnia to escape a beating from her brother Peter. Edmund soon followed, because he thought Lucy had candy, and Peter and Susan reluctantly went after them before the police came around and started asking troublesome questions. The wardrobe portal was destroyed under royal edict when opportunistic dwarves began using it as a waste disposal.
Currently Narnia can be accessed by slamming your bums against the barrier between Platform no.9 & 10 of the Aslan's Cross station in London. Then you will find yourselves on the Platform no.9 and 341/597 where you can catch a train for Narnia.
Unfortunately, portals into Narnia began multiplying exponentially, as a result of holes punctured through the fabric of space/time by Shia Labeouf. Narnia was soon overrun by illegal immigrants. A new and much more widley accepted method of Narnia transportation is huffing kittens. Orange ones are the best for this method for they are the children of Aslan.
- Warning* Huffing Aslan will end in instantaneous death from overdosage of awesomeness and never being able to find something as huff worthy as Aslan
edit Film and Video Games
In 1999, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Peter Jackson, and Michael Bay joined forces to form one super director known as DirecTron. Under orders from his dark master, DirecTron carefully scanned the entire Narnian historical archive, including C.S. Lewis's autobiography, correspondence and private notes, and the original seven Narnia books; and then wrote a thoughtful, imaginative script that effectively captured the wonder and mystery of the original. Upon completing the final draft, DirecTron consumed the script as fuel, burped, thought to itself "needs moar minotaur" and promptly dashed off a six-page treatment titled Narnia: The Last Voyage of Caspian's Nephew's Silver Wardrobe and His Boy. The studio sent it back, ordering DirecTron to "flesh out" each page into a separate film. The first installment (which Lucas insisted on calling "Episode IV") met with harsh criticism from fans, who felt the running time of 24hrs 88mins was "too short." Although critics lauded the "tastefully done" sex scene and "creative use of Qui-Gon Jinn", fans felt the script departed from the original story in many ways, such as:
- Casting renowned mime Keanu Reeves as the White Witch
- Portraying Susan as a demur complainer, rather than a badass ninja
- Suggesting that some sort of parallel existed between Aslan and Jesus Christ
- The C.S. Lewis cameo
Despite the boycotts, the film was a success with people who wandered into the wrong room looking for Batman Begins, and DirecTron scrambled to complete the sequel before the actors outgrew the film's target demographic The second installment, Chronicles of Narnia: Episode V: The Lost World: Revenge of the Fallen hit #1 at the box office on its opening weekend, grossing ☺$ 420,230,160,150,080,040, but quickly dropped to #3,875 the following week. It made barely one-third of its € 8.5x10^45 budget and is generally regarded as a flop. Lucas later blamed "that usurping bastard" James Cameron for the film's failure, pointing out that Cameron's Avatar earned every banknote/coin ever printed/minted, plus shekels, drachmas, denarii, wampum, those weird floating Mushroom Kingdom coins, and assorted animal pelts and livestock. Michael Bay told Playboy magazine the film suffered from "not enough explosions." Peter Jackson blamed those damn tricksy hobbitses. Spielberg said it was colon cancer. Kevin Smith was signed to direct Chronicles of Narnia 3: Chronicle Harder but never made it past the development stage because he just got distracted.
The video game adaptation, Super Pevensie Bros., fared better than its celluloid counterpart. It quickly became the bestselling title on the Nintendo Wii, although hardcore gamers complained that Player 2 (Edmund) deliberately ran into the lava. The game was pulled from Wal★Mart shelves after a scandal surrounding the disabled "Hot Turkish Delight" sex minigame.