Christy Turlington

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 00:51, March 7, 2014 by Spike (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
ChristyTurlington Vampire

Christy Turlington, totally vamped-out.

Christy Turlington Burns (born January 2, 1969; turned June 4, 1985) is a half-human, half-vampire, American fashion model best known for being one of the first slew of women branded with the pretentious moniker supermodel in the 1980's. She is renown as one of the few supermodels who not only escaped sliding into semi-insanity during mid-career, but also avoiding the fate of her many contemporaries that now look like a dessicated mummies with duck lips. It is commonly assumed Christy unnaturally maintains her distinctive and amazing beauty by sucking the blood of younger fashion models to retain her youthful appearance[1].

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Christy Turlington.

Early life

As is usual with so many models, Christy was discovered at a young age by some creepy dude. In 1983 at age 13 she was horseback riding at a stable in Florida when a famous "photographer" saw Christy and approached her mother with an offer to participate in a photo shoot at a local modeling agency. Against all odds, the dude turned out not to be a serial killer or a pedo but was in fact, legitimate.

Christy began modeling the next year and attended high school because, you know — she had too. When she turned 18, Christy moved to New York City and eventually, somehow graduated despite the cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine, and crudités that constitute the 4 major food groups for a fashion model. In a classic case of psychological over-compensation, she went to college in 1994 just to prove she wasn't a dumb-ass like most of her modeling friends. Despite already earning millions of dollars a year she matriculated the prestigious New York University, but it was one of those make-up-your-own-degrees in the school-for-rich-kids-and-stoners where Christy earned an über-annoying Bachelor of Arts degree with a concentration in Comparative Religion and Eastern Philosophy, thereby negating any goodwill or legitimacy from the real students.

Vampire transformation


Christie Brinkley is a Supermodel Vampire who turned Ms. Turlington early in her career.

Vampire karen duffy

1980's MTV VJ Karen Duffy was Ms. Turlington's first vampire victim and remains her minion today.

Ms. Turlington was turned into a vampire by established Sports Illustrated supermodel Christie Brinkley who in the late 1980's began cultivating a coven of supermodel vampires in New York. As Ms. Brinkley stated in several interviews, she knew sucking the blood of the young Ms. Turlington would bring her long-lasting youth with the added advantage that as her vampire slave, Ms. Turlington would be an ally in the increasingly high stakes world of fashion modeling while contributing to the financial security of the coven. However, this may in fact be a selective re-telling of the facts because as anyone who's watched any decent vampire movie knows: as soon as a woman joins the ranks of the undead, she immediately starts playing for both teams. Contemporary accounts attest that Ms. Brinkley merely embarked on a ravenous lesbo rampage of vampirizing young, hot models and that this whole thing worked out for her like it did was a complete surprise to her and everyone else, especially considering Ms. Brinkley's intellect being approximate to that of a bag of doorknobs.

Long before Ms. Turlington even considered making Manhattan her permanent home she was drawing national attention from among the fashion cogniscenti for her beauty and grace, which is how she came to be known by Ms. Brinkley. Once the aspiring model arrived in New York, Ms. Brinkley arranged a meeting with her at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel and a flattered Ms. Turlington readily agreed. When she arrived at the lobby of the grand hotel, Christy was quickly hustled downstairs to a sub-basement and in a scene reminiscent of every bad teen horror movie, she was encircled by hooded and cloaked shapes holding candles and chanting. Christy was stripped naked and tied to a marble altar in the middle of a darkened room that was tastefully spotlighted from above and ringed with fresh roses. Ms. Brinkley was the first to sprout fangs and seize upon the distraught Ms. Turlington's neck, followed by the others in the coven that included model/actress Brooke Shields, Princess Grace Kelly, and aspiring model Martha Stewart who uncannily was once young herself. And kinda hot. The initiation would only be complete after the fledgling Ms. Turlington completed a blood bathing ritual and sucked the blood from a minor female celebrity, in this case it was MTV VJ Karen Duffy.


Turlington Calvin Klein

Turlington displaying her shape-shifting abilities in a Calvin Klein ad.

Ms. Turlington was now bonded to the vampire coven they half-jokingly called the "Killer V's" with Ms. Brinkley as the president and CEO. No longer seen as a competitor, Christy was given all the advantages of what was effectively a vampire mafia, but to which she was also expected to pay tribute. Compliance and subjugation to the coven was strictly enforced and Christy soon became the fierce enforcer of the group. Before long she was soon elevated to the role of Chief Operating Officer.

Among Christy's best known work is her long time association with the fashion designer Calvin Klein who utilized her talents for 20 years (1987 to 2007). This is an extraordinarily long time for any mortal fashion model but well within Christy's supernatural timeline of existence. Klein conspicuously took advantage of Christy's shape-shifting abilities not only for the marketing advantage of additional breasts, preternaturally long legs, and perfect facial structure would bring to billboard and print advertisements, but also for the expenses saved from the extensive "airbrushing" (called Photoshopping today) required from an experienced photographic touch-up artist.

Klein discovered her shape-shifting skills after he inadvertently walked into the studio where he found an angry Christy, disturbed over a careless airbrushing mistake, feasting on the heart of the artist responsible for the misdeed. Christy had violently ripped open the artist's chest and the blood-soaked production equipment was ruined in the melee. A sheepish Christy volunteered her skills and a long association with the Calvin Klein underwear brand was thereby established.

Notable achievements

Ms. Turlington's most notable achievements are having near-perfect genetics, and an almost perfectly symmetrical facial bone structure. Everything else about her is secondary in importance.

Ms. Turlington as an ardent practitioner of Jivamukti Yoga and possibly one of its most annoying advocates because if foisting yoga on people isn't bad enough, Jivamukti yoga will surely make you seem like a pain in the ass. Even worse, she has a line of skincare products inspired by traditional Indian medicine (read: it's bullshit), a line of yoga-inspired exercise clothing (read: over priced), and writes books about it all too (yawn). And just in case that's not enough to make you feel like shit, she makes movies about dying babies in godforsaken countries, is an anti-smoking activist, and has done work for PETA's anti-fur campaign.

On the positive side of things, Ms. Turlington brought her Indian-inspired style sense to the west and helped popularize navel piercing in a 1993 fashion show, so she's got that going for her.

Personal history

Despite numerous erroneous media reports, in fact Turlington is not married to Bono but to a different vacuous media celebrity obsessed with self-importance known as Ed Burns - a.k.a. - Mr Turlington, and an otherwise minor league nobody in Hollywood. Once half of the famous Vaudeville comedy duo Burns & Allen, Mr. Burns went on the make billions in the stock market before losing it all in the crash. He recovered emotionally if not financially, and surprised the shit out of everyone (including himself) he was able to score Ms. Turlington who is well known to be absolutely out of his league.

Rumour has it that Christy used to be a vegetarian but along with many others within the model industry gave it up as the caloric value was too high. Since 2004 has instead restricted her caloric intake to that gained from licking lichen in addition to the female human blood she has long savored.


  1. See this example for further enlightenment


See also

Personal tools