ChristyTurlington Vampire

Christy Turlington, totally vamped-out.

Christy Turlington-Burns (born January 2, 1969; turned June 4, 1985) is a half-human, half-vampire, American fashion model best known for being one of the first slew of women branded as supermodels in the 1980's. She is renown for her grace and beauty, and maintains her youthful appearance and supernatural powers by regularly sucking the blood of younger fashion models. She is also an international health and women's rights activist.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Christy Turlington.

Early lifeEdit

Christy was professionally discovered in 1983 at age 13 while she was horseback riding at a local stable when a famous "photographer" noticed her and approached Christy's mother with an offer to participate in a photo shoot at a modeling agency. Against all odds, the dude turned out to not be a serial killer or a pedo but was in fact, legitimate.

Christy began professionally modeling a year later while still attending Monte Vista High School in Danville, California. She quickly rose to prominence and began to appear frequently in local and national magazines, including women's fashion mail catalogs. This was a common and readily available (but poor) substitute for porn back in the days before the Internet and at times when you didn't have access to your dad's Playboy collection or the VCR was busted again.

Soon the health department of the school district noted a significant increase in diagnoses of carpal tunnel syndrome in the wrists of adolescent male students and released the results of a health study demonstrating a temporal correlation between the start of Christy's photographs appearing in publications and the increase in wrist injuries. No causation was officially established.

Christy moved to New York City when she turned 18 and as she later said, "subsisted on the 4 major food groups for fashion models; cigarettes, alcohol, cocaine, and crudités, with a splash of sapphistry." After already earning millions of dollars by age 25, she matriculated into the prestigious New York University and then Columbia University to study things only a rich supermodel could afford. She subsequently admitted in an interview with the Wall Street Journal that, "it was a classic case of psychological over-compensation to prove to myself that I wasn't a dumb-ass like most of my modeling cohort. It was also an easy opportunity for me to shame them." Christy graduated with a Bachelor of Arts degree and a concentration in Comparative Religion and Eastern Philosophy, earning the ire of the real students who had to learn useful things so they could eventually go on to do things like pay rent and eat. The jealousy and resentment she unintentionally fomented, especially with the other female scholars, continues to linger within them even to this day.

Christie Brinkley's Vampire CovenEdit


Christie Brinkley is a Supermodel Vampire who turned Ms. Turlington early in her career.

1980s vampire christy turlington

An early photo-shoot for Revlon Cosmetics featuring their new shade of blood-red lipstick and Christy's prominent fangs.

Ms. Turlington was turned into a vampire by proto-supermodel Christie Brinkley in the mid-1980's; already a vampire herself by the late 1970's when she first appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated's famous Swimsuit magazine edition. Ms. Brinkley chose Ms. Turlington as her first vampire recruit and she became instrumental cultivating an elite group of New York-based supermodel vampires. In an interview with the fashion magazine Vogue several years later, Ms. Brinkley said about the nascent coven, "As anyone who's watched any decent vampire movie knows, as soon as a woman joins the ranks of the undead she immediately starts playing for both teams. (Turlington) was very good for me, she seduced and turned (into vampires) the best talent out there."

Other contemporary accounts attest that Ms. Turlington was the primary huntress of the group and she would aggressively target a promising young model with lavish parties at prime locations with A-list invitees. These would invariably progress into cocaine-fueled, ravenous, lesbo-rampages that proved very effective at netting top Hollywood actresses too, including notables such as Michelle Pfeiffer, Farrah Fawcett, and even Molly Ringwold. "That this whole thing worked out so well for (Ms. Brinkley) was a complete surprise to herself and everyone else," said Linda Evangelista, Christy's long-time lover and supermodel-vampire colleague, "and was in no small part due to (Turlington's) fiendish fangs and competitive nature. It was a great stroke of luck for (Brinkley) to acquire someone with the intelligence and bloodlust (Turlington) had, especially considering (Brinkley's) intellect is approximate to that of a Golden Labrador Retriever."

Vampire transformationEdit

Both Mses. Brinkley and Turlington are California natives, so the older Ms. Brinkley knew of the younger Ms. Turlington's rise even before Ms. Turlington considered making Manhattan her permanent home. Soon after the aspiring model arrived in New York, Ms. Brinkley arranged a meeting with her at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel.

Extensive details about what happened next are generally unavailable, but when she arrived at the lobby of the grand hotel, Ms. Turlington was quickly hustled downstairs to a secret sub-basement adjacent to the underground train tracks leading to nearby Grand Central Terminal. In a scene reminiscent of every bad teen horror movie, she was encircled by hooded and cloaked women holding candles and chanting in Latin.

Ms. Turlington was then wrapped in a white tunic and tied to an altar in the center of a darkened room, tastefully lighted by a Broadway stage crew hired specifically for the event. Ms. Brinkley was the first to sprout fangs and pounce upon the distraught Ms. Turlington's neck, followed by others in the coven that included model/actress Brooke Shields, Princess Grace Kelly, and aspiring model Martha Stewart who uncannily was once a young model herself. And kinda hot, too.

Vampire kduffy

Karen Duffy was an MTV VJ and Christy Turlington's first vampire victim.

To finish the initiation, Ms. Brinkley sliced her wrist open with an ancient flint dagger and let the blood drip into the mouth of a semi-conscious Ms. Turlington. To complete the ceremony and become a full vampire, Ms. Turlington had to kill a minor female celebrity. In this case it was 1980's MTV VJ Karen Duffy who was rolled into the room already bound, lashed and hanging upside down from an industrial clothing rack.


Vampire christy turlington madamoisevil

An internally-produced (never publicly released) test cover shoot for the (now defunct) fashion magazine Mademoiselle.

Ms. Turlington became Ms. Brinkley's top-producing model and it soon became an open secret to the entire fashion industry that Ms. Brinkley was building a coven of vampire fashion models just like Ms Turlington. Coven members had the reputation of extreme beauty, pale skin, a preference to work all night, and a literal inability to age; qualities that made the coven very desirable to work with. In an industry notorious for being amoral, immoral, and generally shitty to everyone and everything, being aligned with actual bloodsucking vampires wasn't much of a problem for anyone involved.

Soon after becoming a vampire, Ms. Turlington discovered one of her supernatural abilities was to shape-shift.This made her a favorite with fashion designer Calvin Klein who utilized her talents for 20 years (1987 to 2007), an extraordinarily long time for even a mortal fashion model. Being able to instantly have longer or shorter hair, a different eye color, larger breasts, (additional breasts!) preternaturally long legs, or basically anything to eliminate the need for a seamstress to perfectly fit any outfit was a huge advantage.

Ms. Turlington has had an amazing career, appeared on over 300 magazine covers, and continues to model for brands such as Maybelline and Revlon. She takes personal enjoyment vampirizing many of the world's top fashion models and continues to do so today. Some of her past and current coven recruits include:

Multi-faceted achievementsEdit

Ms. Turlington's most notable achievements are having near-perfect genetics, and an almost perfectly symmetrical facial bone structure. Everything else about her is secondary in importance.

Ms. Turlington as an ardent practitioner of Jivamukti Yoga and possibly one of its most annoying advocates because if foisting yoga on people isn't bad enough, Jivamukti yoga will surely make you seem like a pain in the ass. Even worse, she has a line of skincare products inspired by traditional Indian medicine (read: it's bullshit), a line of yoga-inspired exercise clothing (read: over priced), and writes books about it all too (yawn). And just in case that's not enough to make you feel like shit, she makes movies about dying babies in godforsaken countries, is an anti-smoking activist, and has done work for PETA's anti-fur campaign.

Personal historyEdit

Ms. Turlington once dated uber-annoying social activist and U2 lead singer Bono but got tired of his bullshit and married actor Ed Burns instead, now commonly known as Mr. Turlington. Once half of the famous Vaudeville comedy duo Burns & Allen, Mr. Burns went on the make billions in the stock market before losing it all in the crash. He recovered emotionally if not financially, and surprised the shit out of everyone (including himself) that he was able to score Ms. Turlington who is well known to be absolutely out of his league.

See alsoEdit