Christopher Wolstenholme

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“We tried to get Chris to act as Mrs. Punch, but he told us to piss off, sadly.”
~ Dominic Howard on Chris Wolstenholme
~ Chris Wolstenholme on daily procedures
“Arrrghhh!!!! My eyes!”
~ Matthew Bellamy on Chris Wolstenholme's penis

Christopher Tony Wolstenholme is a mustard whore, and was born in the late 9th century, in a peasant village in the nation of Yugoslavia. His mother was a Unicorn and his father smelled of sex and alcohol. His favourite past times include womanizing, talking to the invisible people in the sky, and playing the rusty trombone in alien space rock band Muse.

Early life

Chris started learning bass when he was still inside the womb. This was very uncomfortable for his mother and an emergency operation had to be conducted. He went to school on Jupiter, where he made friends and had insanely curly and long hair. He has a minor physical defect which allows him to produce and play orgasm-causing, phatphatphat, omg let me lick your face bass lines which are all part of his elaborate plan to become president of the US. Being a UK citizen is not an issue for him as his birth certificate simply says, "Birth place: unknown," and that's good enough for the US government.

Chris Wolstenholme has 738 children at last count, including Lady Gaga and the original Doctor.

Forming of Muse

Chris met fellow band members Matt My-bell-end-and-me and Demonic Coward in a brothel. Matt and Dom where chatting in a corner. Chris told Dom to put some pants on and a friendship was instantly formed.

Six orgies with native African men later, Matt asked Chris if he would like to make some fun together. Chris, assuming it was a metaphor, told him to "bugger off, you stupid poof." Dom explained what Matt really meant, and the next day they wrote their first song, "Small things in me".


It is widely believed that the reason Chris doesn't turn up to many interviews is because of looking after his children, but after detailed research by some drunk students from the University of the City of Delusion, It is now known that Chris doesn't turn up to interviews because of his lisp, which he finds highly embarrassing and is afraid people will mock him.

“What a lol that would be!”
~ World of Warcraft addicted Pre-teen on the prospect of hearing Chris at an interview

However it is now known that Chris can control his lisp for up to 5 seconds at a time, allowing him to communicate briefly during the unfortunate case that he has turned up to an actual interview.

Another theory is that if a single word is heard form Chris' lips, it causes every lifeform within a ten mile radius to become impregnated, this last happened sometime in the 1950's, the population still hasn't stopped growing.

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