Christopher Walken
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Founder of all three monotheistic religions as well as agnosticism, and more cowbellism and the original prophet of the Church of Walkentology, Christopher Walken, whose name is an anagram for God, is the oldest living human being. Currently residing two kilometers below the Earth's crust, Walken lives in complete solitude. However, every three years, he surfaces to feed on discarded fetal tissue and appear in a feature film.
Walken has also entered into the Chuck Norris vs. Vin Diesel war, and has stabbed them both in the face with a fucking soldering iron.[1]
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[edit] History Part II
It is widely believed that Mr. Walken was actually Adam, and that he pushed Eve down some stairs after she got a little too fresh. In other words, he's been around forever and may in fact be immortal. 5,000 years before Jesus Christ was stoned to death by jealous noobs, Walken began writing the first books of the holy Bible. These Books later became the screenplay to the greatest film trilogy of all time: The Chronicles of Narnia. In The Bible, Walken explains how Earth was created, how human beings should behave while they are alive, and how to make Five Million Dollars in Just Six Easy Steps. He may or may not have been Pontius Pilate. But he was definitely Julius Caesar and Billy Shakespeare, the name under which he also wrote the Bible.
Walken continues to write regularly, despite the fact that nobody's reading. His latest book is entitled "How I Keep My Hair."
[edit] Accidental Discovery of North America
In the year 1492, Walken commissioned Christopher Columbus to sail to Tahiti to bring back fresh Mai-Tais. Columbus negelected to obtain the Mai-Tai's. In his anger, Walken conjured a new western continent to banish Columbus to for eternity to walk amongst the feral wilderness in search of the forgotten Mai-Tais. "Columbus was a fucking n00b," historian William L. Shirer would later comment in his book the Rise and More Rise of Christopher Walken.
[edit] Dark Days of the Walken
For many of Walken's millennia on this glorious Planet Earth, he has remained in virtual solitude, evolving sophisticated eyeballs capable of paralyzing even a Glasgow Urban Monkey. He decided at the dawn of the mid-20th Century to return from his Bible Studies with a very impressive idea for a new work of fiction, to rival even The Watch and the Ass.
This work later became known to the ordinary citizens of the Galactic Cosmos of Glasgow as World War 2: Bongs, Stalin, and Winston Churchtickler. And so Christopher found it within himself to produce three children from his virginal sperm: Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, and Rose Pettels; as well as a fourth son, whom he beat with a stick for his disfigured genitalia: Hitler.
Unfortunately, Hitler's childhood experiences led to serious psychological problems in later life, resulting in Operation Barbarossa in the summer of 1985. Fortunately, at this great time of tragedy, Walken managed to unite his four sons with his moving performance in King of the Gerbils, and the Empire was saved. The sons later killed themselves, though.
[edit] His Greatest Trial
In 1066 A.C., Christopher Walken and joined forces with Mr. T to foil the plans of Count Chocula, Booberry, Frankenberry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy. The so-called "Triumvirate of Evil Breakfast-Cereal Characters" allegedly attempted to combine their powers in an all-out assault on breakfast itself.
It was later discovered that Oprah Winfrey set up the Triumvirate in one of many efforts to assassinate Ted Kennedy. Walken and Mr. T successfully defeated these operations. In defeating the Triumvirate the duo terminated Booberry and recovered Count Chocula's Magical Left Testicle to its rightful owner, The Metropolitan Museum of Fine Truffles. Winfrey escaped while Mr T. was distracted with a lesson on drugs he was giving to Frankenberry.
[edit] Cowbell
Scientist have discovered that Christopher Walken actually has a very strange "I'll take any movie at all" disorder to which the only plausible medication is More Cowbell! The cowbell thus, is Christopher Walken's existential life force. Without a regular hourly dose of cowbell Christopher Walken would either die or worse, lose his ability to be awesome.
Through his daily over dosage of cowbell, Christopher Walken is given the ability to fly, invincibility, and most importantly his ability to grant fans his gold plated diapers. This disease was obtained by stroking Mozart's pet frog who was charged the death penalty. Mozart moved on to being a child prodigy who created the number one kindergarten hit twinkle twinkle little star. This was an act of letting out his emotions on the whole incident. Mozart later commited suicide, by cutting his wrist listening to "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". This is one of the first acts of being, so called, emo.
