From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Christopher Columbus (Spanish: Cristobal Colón) (October 1451 - May 1506), also known as Saint Columbus, was the inventor of America. He is honored in the names of the District of Columbia, the nation of Colombia, and the television show Colombo. Ironically, the continent he invented is not named for him. It is named after American Idol.
Native Americans had inhabited the land we now know as the America's for centuries... and they were lonely. These people had not seen a foreigner since the 10th century, when the Norse came by for a visit, but sadly left before they could really get to know one another.
Not only that, but the Native people found themselves with far too much land and too many natural resources. Every season they would pack up their tents and move away from the region they had for months inhabited, disgusted with its abundance and natural beauty. Like many generations before them, the Native People would solemnly wander with their crude tents and domestic cattle, praying to finally find the small, gated environment of poor schools and cheap casinos they had always searched for.
Savior of Natives
On the evening of 3 August 1492, Columbus departed from Palos de la Frontera with three ships: the Santa María ex-Gallega ("Galician"), the Pinta ("Painted") and the Santa Clara, who liked to be called Niña by her friends.
Columbus landed on what the Island Natives had mistakenly named "Guanahani". As the first compassionate act on his trip, Columbus kindly corrected the natives by referring to the island as "San Salvador". Christopher Columbus often showed great patience with the Native People of San Salvador. He writes to the Spanish King, Ferdinand, on October 14, 1492,
"They ought to make good and skilled servants, for they repeat very quickly whatever we say to them. I have even taught a few of the women to slowly dip... and when they are done to gently pump... yet, they do not stop, they proceed with great and fluid vigor, stroking... don't tell Isabella"
Columbus managed to save 10 to 25 natives against their naive demonic will, taking them back to Europe with him. Interestingly enough, only seven or eight of the native Indians arrived in Spain alive, but they made quite an impression on Seville.
Christopher Columbus... not a saint?
Following Columbus's death, many jealous men, in love with Ferdinand and envious of the attention Columbus had received from him (hey, it was the 90's), sought to tarnish his name. The worst among them was a man named Amerigo Vespucci, who went so far as to claim that Columbus had not even visited India. Vespucci spitefully had his adventures financed by King Manuel I of Portugal, the obvious rival of Spain. Not only this, but he sought only to explore SOUTH America, the obvious rival to Columbus's NORTH America. So, Vespucci was a dick.
War with the Hornets
An Unknown fact is that when Christopher Columbus found America he had to take a giant shit, so he jumped out of his boat and ran off into the woods. Little did the retard know he shit on a Hornet nest, his poop plopped right on them - naturally pissing them off. He was stung 556 times in the ass, this made him declare war on the Hornets, and anything that looked like a Hornet. He began systematically wiping out Hornets, Wasps, Mud Daubers, Bee's, Killer Bee's, and Humming Birds. When he died the campaign was abandoned. This is why the Hornets, Wasp, Mud Dauber, Bee's, and Killer Bee's have a natural hate toward humans. Humming Birds are in a current state of negotiation with President Barack Obama.
The True Story Of Christopher Columbus (C.C)
Contrary to popular and historical belief, C.C. did not set out from Spain to find India, he was, in fact a member of the great Fadeakbags (Freaks). He was coaxed by a person known only as 'The Anonymous Informant' into sailing over the Atlantic.
After sailing in his trusty boat and commanding from his slightly enlarged crow's nest (83 times the size of the boat) he reached America and set off to find the 'SPIKES'. He was furious when he realized he was lied to by the A.I. and set off the gunpower stocks in his ship (whilst he was in the galley) and was blown to smithadeens. From this moment he loved pain, regenerated and set out to find the most pain ever in the world.
Behind the Scenes
Washington Irving's 1828 biography of Columbus popularized the idea that Columbus had difficulty obtaining support for his plan because many Catholic theologians insisted that the Earth was flat. In fact, most educated Westerners had understood that the Earth was spherical at least since the time of Aristotle, who lived in the 4th century BC and whose works were widely studied and revered in Medieval Europe. The sphericity of the Earth is also accounted for in the work of Ptolemy, on which ancient astronomy was largely based. Christian writers whose works clearly reflect the conviction that the Earth is spherical include Saint Bede the Venerable in his Reckoning of Time, written around AD 723. In Columbus's time, the techniques of celestial navigation, which use the position of the sun and the stars in the sky, together with the understanding that the Earth is a sphere, had long been in use by astronomers and were beginning to be implemented by mariners.
Where Columbus did differ from the view accepted by scholars in his day was in his estimate of the westward distance from Europe to Asia. Columbus's ideas in this regard were based on three factors: his low estimate of the size of the Earth, his high estimate of the size of the Eurasian landmass, and his belief that Japan and other inhabited islands lay far to the east of the coast of China. In all three of these issues Columbus was both wrong and at odds with the scholarly consensus of his day. As far back as the 3rd century BC, Eratosthenes had correctly computed the circumference of the Earth by using simple geometry and studying the shadows cast by objects at two different locations: Alexandria and Syene (modern-day Aswan). Eratosthenes's results were confirmed by a comparison of stellar observations at Alexandria and Rhodes, carried out by Posidonius in the 1st century BC. These measurements were widely known among scholars, but confusion about the old-fashioned units of distance in which they were expressed had led, in Columbus's day, to some debate about the exact size of the Earth.
The Printing Press
|Best Thing in Existence|
1492 AD-1776 AD