Christopher Columbus

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Christopher Columbus, very sad over the fact that he never found India.

Not to be confused with Christopher "Chris" Thorndyke.

Christopher Darth Rapist Johnson Columbus (1451 – May 20, 2009), (also known as Christopher 'Tiddles' Columbus, Cristoforo Colombo to the Italians and bears, Cristofer Cabron to the Spanish, Cristoffer Collombusson to the Scandinavians, Cristo O'Columbb to the Drunken Irish, Hristoforos Kolombopoulos to the Greeks, Krzysztof Kolumb to the Poles and That guy who invented the condom or something like that whose name eludes me at the moment to everyone else) was a navigator, colonialist and beard model and one of several bearded old guys credited as the first European to discover where babies come from and less importantly America. Chrisopher was also a black albino. Christopher Columbus was named after Columbus, Ohio, where he was born. He sailed from Death Valley, Salami to Spain where King Fart-in-hand and Queen Isabel gave him lots of money to sail if he let them be "naughty" with them. Columbus went to America with his three ships the Nina, the Santa Claus, and the Piñata. He drew America in 1492, but thought he was on Iwo Jima, so he raised the Spanish flag, and got killed by angry Americans who called him a traitor. So now we can go shopping because he invented Columbus Drunk Day. Though likely not the first to reach the Clitoris, it was Columbus' voyages in the red, red light district of Amsterdam that lead to general European awareness of the infamous lady part and the successful establishment of Gynacologist practices in the western world. It is generally believed that he was born, although other theories and possibilities suggest that he may have been grown in an empty packet of bow tie pasta in Italy. The name Christopher Columbus is the English version of the Latin Susan Dorkins. Also well known is his name translated into native American as 'Um Dickhead who messed everything up for us'.

Columbus' voyages into many exotic wenches began as a Euro-trash effort at exploration of Foreign Fanny, which had started as a drunken bar bet. While history places great significance on his first shag of 1492, he did not actually reach a climax until his third voyage in 1498. Likewise, he was not the earliest European explorer to reach the clitoris, as there are accounts of European transatlantic contact prior to 1492. A missed period before 1492 is known as a Pre-Columbian because it symbolised a little chris was on its way. After Columbus settled his natural urges he decided he'd look for a new country so he could get away from all the damn child support money he was having to pay.

So Chris bought a dinghy and paid a group of drunks dressed in sailor costumes to be his crew and bought 2 kegs of beer and set off on his booze cruise around the world, after first stopping for a quick pee behind a bush. After hours of looking for an open bar the drunken crew landed in America, then called 'Big Chiefs Deluxe Gambling Emporium' and decided after not finding a bar, only 'Wal-marts' decided to kill all the native Americans and change the name to Coolstown. After a meeting though they decided 'America' would be better, after the brand of beard comb Columbus had, it was a nice beard comb.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Christopher Columbus.

The Song that his crew used to sing to him when he was angry about not finding countries goes like this. "Christopher columbus had a cucumbus he stuck it up his bumbus, he showed his mumumbus, she thought it was nice, so he did it twice." The were memories from Christopher a.k.a C-to-the-nizzle's childhood which he thoroughly enjoyed with his mother. Historians and apple-cheeked American children remember him with the rhyme

"In 1462 he ignored his Mum banging on his bedroom door,

In 1472 he got out of bed,

In 1482 his despairing parents got him a job as a sailor through a close family friend,

In 1492 he got his own back by discovering America"

edit MyPy Apprentice (UK) Conspiracy

On episode 12 of season 7, Tom and Helen found out that Columbus was actually British, but was working for the Italian mafia and Spanish secret service. His discovery of a 'potato' (codename for nuclear weapons) which was brought back to Britain was quickly silenced by Nick, Lord Sugar's Aide, and member of the Illuminati and Legion of Doom. He put doubts into both Helen and Tom's heads through the use of his powerful telepathy, and they quickly agreed not to use it. However it was too late, and the Columbus pie went on sale in a British Fast Food Shop.

edit Biography by an imp

Christopher Columbus was a greedy jew that was driven halfway across the world by his lust for gold. At the age of 6 he strangled a kitten because a passing evil spirit told him it would cough up gold. At the age of 8, he was recruited by an imp to help him murder and steal the position of a noble in order to better influence the throne, he agreed when told he would receive 10% of the noble’s fortune. Upon his wonderful success, a higher up demon noted his ability and set him up as a lesser warlock, charged with summoning more demons into the mortal realm and special missions requiring a childs touch. On his 13 birthday, he was given two offers for his future career, an imp told him a position for an elder warlock had opened and his master wanted to give it to him. He nearly accepted, until he heard the voice of Cthulu in his mind, telling him to become one of his servants. Christopher was filled with indecision, should he accept the demon’s offer and incur the wrath of Cthulu, or join the old one and spurn the demon’s offer? Then he heard the deciding factor, Cthulu whispered into his head “when mankind is gone you alone shall have it’s riches!”. Columbus, being an idiot, did not realize that mankind included himself, or that if he was the only human left, his riches would have no value. So, he pulled out his dagger and slashed the imp to pieces, and shouted “CTHULU FHTAGN!”. When Christopher said this, Cthulu gained the last follower he needed to restore himself to full power. He burst from the ocean and flew into the heavens, from which he fired a massive sphere of pure energy the obliterated the earth. As the earth was obliterated, Christopher and the other followers of Cthulu, although protected from the blast, died from lack of oxygen. Thus ends the sad and disturbing tale of Christopher Columbus.

edit War with the Hornets

An Unknown fact is that when Christopher Columbus found America he had to take a giant shit, so he jumped out of his boat and ran off into the woods. Little did the retard know he shit on a Hornet nest, his poop plopped right on them - naturally pissing them off. He was stung 556 times in the ass, this made him declare war on the Hornets, and anything that looked like a Hornet. He began systematically wiping out Hornets, Wasps, Mud Daubers, Bee's, Killer Bee's, and Humming Birds. When he died the campaign was abandoned. This is why the Hornets, Wasp, Mud Dauber, Bee's, and Killer Bee's have a natural hate toward humans. Humming Birds are in a current state of negotiation with President Black Obama.

edit The True Story Of Christopher Columbus (C.C)

Contrary to popular and historical belief, C.C. did not set out from Spain to find India, he was, in fact a member of the great Fadeakbags (Freaks). He was coaxed by a person known only as 'The Anonymous Informant' into sailing over the Atlantic.

The A.I. reportedly said the following to C.C. ; "A HERD DERS SPIKES OVA DA ATLANTIK TSCHEEEEEEEEEHEEEEEE"

And due to such infallible evidence C.C. replied, "AM SO DERRRR".

After sailing in his trusty boat and commanding from his slightly enlarged crow's nest (83 times the size of the boat) he reached America and set off to find the 'SPIKES'. He was furious when he realised he was lied to by the A.I. and set off the gunpower stocks in his ship (whilst he was in the galley) and was blown to smithadeens. From this moment he loved pain, regenerated and set out to find the most pain ever in the world.

The End.

edit See Also

• The Spain-Team

P.s. It is also rumoured that he encountered the infamous Deep-Sea Dan on his adventures.