Christmas
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Christmas is a pubic holiday celebrating discounts at retail stores, including Best Buy and Wal Mart. All cultures have a midwinter festival, but Christians wanted their own name for their ritual whereby they honor the glory of parking in parking lots eating live turkeys,biting the heads off of chickens and standing in lines. It is also the only time of the year when rape is considered legal, as long as it performed under mistletoe.
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[edit] The Celebration of Christmas
Devout Christians celebrate Christmas with the same rituals every year. They gather together in a nice, cozy, warm reindeer ass, and fly to a town center, where they celebrate the joy of squeezing into a cock filled spot while screaming at pedestrians who are in their way. They then run around the store, attempting to buy as many things as possible before the store closes at midnight on Christmas Eve. After they finish buying as much as possible, they go back to their houses and eat turkey, along with drinking alcohol. They also present Christmas cards.
There is no real standard for the kind, amount, or number of Christmas gifts presented; the only real requirement is that one's credit card balances must have gone up by at least 165% with at least one card maxed out. If the giver hasn't achieved this, then obviously the giver doesn't love any of the people on his Christmas list and will die horribly alone and unloved in return. Remember: bankruptcy = love at Christmastime. They then gather around a Christmas tree (typically made of cardboard or plastic) and sing Christmas songs, classic holiday tunes such as "Every kiss begins with Kay," "Snap Crackle & Pop", and the holiday classic, "Welcome to Chili's". Also, people sometimes decorate their homes with bright Christmas lights, usually ones guaranteed to cause seizures. As part of the Christmas cheer, these lights are put up before thanksgiving and are left on until mid-June.
[edit] What is the true meaning of Christmas?
"The true meaning of Christmas is going on shopping sprees and watching washout celebrities sing badly on T.V.", says an expert on the holiday, "But some don't see that. I, and many other Christians, am greatly concerned by the increasing tendency to honor the birth of Jesus Christ on this day. Don't you people know what Christmas is all about? It's all about wrapping paper, gift bags, parking lots, and discount prices!!!"
However, in reality, to many people across the world Christmas is a time of coming together. Family and friends from across the country come together, to spend this most special of days. People who would otherwise die for each other - fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, friends and colleagues - meet up and with a little alcohol, little to do and the the pressure of being happy, learn to hate each other.
"What Christmas is all about" is a common theme in literature and arts. In the animated holiday classic A Charlie Brown Christmas, the main character, Charlie Brown, is depressed because he believes Christmas is too religious, and wants to know what Christmas is really all about. At the end, he finds out, when his friend makes a touching speech, quoting from a Wal-Mart catalogue: "'50% off on all holiday items!!!! Don't miss this once in a lifetime opportunity to SAVE, SAVE, SAVE!!!!!!!!!!!'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown!" Charlie Brown and his friends then go to a McDonald's together, to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas. In actuality, the true meaning of Christmas was the birth of Santa Claus. Of course, all the preachers and clergymen like to bullshit people with all this biblical crap about Jesus Christ and Christmas being related[1]. Assholes... What do they know?
[edit] Replacement with "Holiday"
The Supreme Court has officially declared the word Christmas to be offensive and politically incorrect as we all now celebrate 'Holiday'. The event is popular for celebrating the birth of "Generic, nameless savior and/or prophet,", as well as the glory of "Intelligent, all-powerful being." Holiday is one of the most popular celebrations in Scandinavia today.
[edit] X-Mas
Christmas is also called X-mas by fans of the X-Men, who celebrate the day as "International X-Men Day". They believe that Jesus Christ was in fact a superhero. The Bible confirms this, listing such superpowers as healing, foretelling the future, heat vision, underwater breathing, flying, walking on water, super human strength and the ability to destroy evil with a wink of his eye and a thumbs up. Jewish and Islamic X-Men tend to believe that while Tom Jones was a hero, he was not a "super" hero.
[edit] Is Christmas losing its Commercial origins?
Many people are growing concerned that the true meaning of Christmas, buying things at a discount store and then eating and drinking until you throw up, is being forgotten in today's world. "I am greatly concerned by the amount of giving, caring, and honoring of God that took place this Christmas season," says Wal Mart chairperson Melville Cardboard, "All this talk about Nativity, and loving those around you, and a season of joy? Have you people forgotten the meaning of Christmas?" There were serious concerns from atheists that Christmas was being infiltrated by religion.
[edit] Santa Claus: Democrat or Republican?
Often depicted as an obese man wearing a tasteless red, ermine trimmed suit, Santa Claus is a self-employed Caucasian male who's been married to the same woman for several centuries. It appears likely that he is a churchgoer, insofar as he is a Catholic saint and a former bishop. It has to be assumed here that Claus was released from his vows, or else he would not have been married.
Frequent arguments have erupted over the political affiliation of Claus. Ten years ago, Dick Cheney inadvertently dealt a savage blow to the morale of the Republican Party when he misidentified the political affiliation of Santa Claus in his best-selling book, Parliament of Whores. "Santa Claus," he said, "is a Democrat." However it is perfectly obvious from his demographic profile alone that Santa is in fact a Republican.
This assessment is often rebutted by Democrats with Anne-McCaffery counter-analysis: Santa Claus has no children. High-achieving professionals without children trend Democratic. While the Clausian canon does not specifically address the issue of Santa's children, numerous extra-canonical sources suggest that Claus did, in fact, reproduce. Numerous Christmas TV movie specials alone support this point.
Santa is renowned for an aggressive adherence to a binary naughty/nice list, which suggests an impatience for nuanced moral positions that betrays his Republican preferences. Santa's mere willingness to define individuals along a naughty/nice axis demonstrates his indifference to the philosophical stance of, say, The New York Times. And note that no canonical or extra-canonical Clausian text indicates that Santa ever attended college or, God forbid, graduate school.
Others still believe that Mr. Santa is an obvious Communist, the reincarnation of Karl Marx.
Hey man. How's it going? Great. Christmas is cool. Drugs are not. But Chris Frank is.
[edit] See Also
- Tom Jones
- Santa Claus
- Christmas carol
- Xmas day
- Reindeer
- Sintu cloven
- Santaism
- Frosty the Snowman
- Terrorism
- Krismas
- The Grinch
- ↑ The link between Jesus and Christmas is tenuous at best, and most scholars now believe that the confusion originated in the sermon on the mount, where Jesus said "Blessed are the Cheesemakers", as Christmas has always been the time traditionally when we celebrate the coming of baby Cheeses.
