Christians
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Christianity is the extremely logical and normal religion where followers try to sell the lie that jesus loves you. This includes praying to a man(who was really God) who was nailed to a cross to save us from Hell; routinely eating bread and wine(grape juice, if you're a minor)that symbloize his blood and body shed for us; finding security in the fact that someone is watching you-always, loves you, and is taking care of you, but will send you to burn in hell for all eternity if you disobey him once; believing that homosexuality between consenting adults is a sin that is on par with all others (yes, including lying) and routinely trying to get rid of the horrible stereotype Catholics have given Christians. Preachers and the pope take a role in trying to take your money to "feed the poor" (or build the church and buy new Prada shoes, even though jesus taught modesty).
Remember; We are all Children of God and 'he' loves us immensly, so much more than humanly knowledgeable and forever, in fact he loves us so much he sent his one and only son to die for us to allow us to avoid Hell and instead come to Him!(If my dad did that, he'd be arrested and sent to Hell. Does that mean God is the DEVIL?!)Most Chrstians are brian washing,ignornt retards who think they are right all time and that all of us non belivers ARE going to hell.
Contents |
[edit] Christians A.K.A the guys with the leaflets
- This page has been screened by FOX News™ for authenticity and impartiality, and has been given terror-proof protection for her pleasure. While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully embraced the qualities of the greatest State to ever produce the greatest President in world history. Please also note that no other alternative views exist. Long live the Dominion of America.
“You're going to hell, you're going to hell, and you're going to hell, too!”
~ Random Catholic on The World
“There are few pleasures as great as watching Christians being eaten by lions, especially if that Christian is Mark Twain.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Christians
“How much miracles can a miracle worker work, if a miracle worker could work miracles?”
~ God on Jesus
“We just put Jesus on the cross so that he would die, like everyone else, we didn't know they would use it as a symbol of their religion. ”
~ Romans on the Cross
“Christianity is such a great time-saver! I used it to paralyze my child with fear and now I no longer need to waste my Fox News time using discipline like normal, intelligent parents do. Thanks Jesus! *thumbs up*”
~ Lazy Christian parent on Christianity
“In Soviet Russia, Hell goes to you.”
~ Joseph Stalin on Hell
“I r tell u. Ju5t co5 u r n0t s33 tr1n1ty 1n teh biebl do3z n0t m33n i r n0t kr1stainzz. Teh tr1n1ty r m1st3r33”
~ L337 Priest on The Trinity
Christians are a primitive creature and veterinarian-recommended type of food for Roman lions. Generally thriving in warm, dark and moist conditions, Christians never evolved in prehistoric times and thus consist of only basic elements such as carbon and hydrogen. Often Christians believe they are not made of elements, but rather created of thin air.
Lions in the wild often suffer from a lack of Vitamin C (Which is short for Christians.) Christians contain essential vitamins and nutrients that allow lions to have a proper diet and remain at the top of the food chain.
It is said that if Christians ever evolve than the lions will be forced onto the endangered species list. Christians can only evolve by eating fruit from a tree in a Garden. According to a magical talking snake, this fruit contains knowledge.
The leader of the Christian insurgency, God, strictly prohibits this as it allows Christians to climb the evolutionary ladder. The worship of God's estranged hippie son Jesus is common among Christians as they often follow in herds. This behavior is not unlike the so called "rack of lamb, of god" who was born to a woman named the Virgin Mary, who claimed her son was born after she "didn't have sex with a bottle of tomato juice"
Indigenous Christians have only three sources of knowledge: The Bible, Fox News, and Emperor Palpatine and one more sacred sorce of knowledge yet to be released by these 'mysterious' beings.
[edit] Christian ties to the Sith
Many Humans today have evolved enough to not believe in Christianity. Still Logic is not part of Christian DNA. It is believed that molecules of the force influenced primitive Christians to believe in concepts now disproved by the Jedi Council, the US Supreme Court, and the United Nations.
The leader of the Christians Pope Benedict XVI controls all Catholics (Most normal Christians find him kinda wack-o) through Vatican City. The Pope is infalliable, or he can't be wrong. :-)
Through control of Darth Bush and Fox News, Pope Benedict XVI has merged Christianity with the dark side of the force, the Sith (see: Republicans).
He has used his position of power to help contribute to Republican rule through force. This is mostly seen through the US Military Stormtroopers, The Lord's Resistance Army of the Galactic Empire of Africa.
[edit] Jesus
Jesus Xavier Christ was also born of "a virgin birth," or nowadays what is called "an affair." He was a very very dark skinned Jewish Carpenter. He also lived alongside Dinosaurs, which is proven by schmience. Jesus died with the dinosaurs, but many people talk to Jesus via telepathy since he was magically reborn like a magic mushroom. -Such believers also believe in monsters, the Easter Bunny, fairies, supply-side economics and Santa Claus.
Nowadays Jesus is also a reflex. This can be witnessed when your Dad is pissed off and yells, "JESUS" The origin of this can be traced to Christianity's growth in Spain. The legend states that the Spanish church had a dog named Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus). Locals had so much trouble pronouncing the dogs name correctly that they would often bear wittiness to Priests telling the name "JESUS" at them. Today yelling Jesus is widely consider a proper way to respond to claims of the Church.
JESUS LOVES YOU. Especially if you dont't believe in him.
[edit] Inkabink, an example of a Christian
Inkabink(also known is Vicky) is a single mother and is currently member of ChristianForums.com where she socialise bullshit stuff with other Christian weirdoes because she has no man in her life .Inkabink strongly believes that No one has that right(for their desire for a spouse) fulfilled. We have those desires because we are human. As Christians we should focus on seeking the will of God as well as pursue a personal relationship with Him. Which is pretty fucking gay
She loves Jesus so much that she has developed a Jesus Fetish, and expresses this by masturbating with a crucifix up her vagina. At her local church Inkabink pursues this relationship with God by sucking the penis of Christian advocate, Jerry Falwell .
Because of her strong faith and radical feminism, InkaBink has no man in her life because she is fucking weird. Inkabink frequents around the singles forums where she expresses an unhealthy obsession of Twilight and has a tattoo of "Edward has licked here" embedded on her vagina.
"I masturbate to that movie!" Inkabink on Twilight, November 2008
Inkabink claims she has the heart of warrior but close friends say she has "the vagina so wide as she had sexual intercourse with an elephant"
[edit] List of Ways Christians Worship
- by offering financial success and protection from loving god's wrath in the end times in exchange for a "donation" of no less than $19.95.
- by sitting in a building every Sunday and kissing god's ass with public domain worship songs.
- by not reading the Bible or knowing anything about Christianity.
- by never picking up a bible unless it's to prove that all non-republicans are going to hell.
- by wearing cheap novelty necklaces with a large lowercase "T" on it.
- by keeping the abortion news to yourself.
- Protestants from North Utopia claims Jesus died sleeping in a cot and hence use 'Cot' in the chains instead of the traditional Cross.
- by insulting Pagans and then practicing their rituals on Christmas and Easter.
- by watching Mel Gibson's movies.
- by burning Harry Potter books.
- by putting a pine tree in their living-room.
- by taking pleasure in having the door tenderly slammed in their face when peddling their religion...we'll be back next week.
- by celebrating the rebirth of Christ with chocolate and giant bunny suites.
- by pointing at babies and fanatically yelling "IT'S THE ANTI-CHRIST!!!!"
- by listening to christian rock. (AKA NATHAN LEBEGUE)
- by bible-thumping people for listening to bands with gay people in them, and then turning around and listening to Newsboys and Michael W. Smith on their godPods.
- by coloring their eggs before hurling them at houses.
- by giving the homeless 32 cents.
- by eating cheese on Mondays.
- by electing Bush as president and supporting Republicans
- by having sex with as many people as possible before marriage and then lying about it.
- by running away from gay people like they'll catch 'gay syndrome' .
- by going to schools and blocking doors with free bibles.
- by opposing gun control.
- by opposing civil rights.
- by the cannibalistic practice of eating Jeez-It's (aka flesh) and blood (aka wine).
- by starting military groups of child slaves in Africa.
- by shopping at Walmart and eating at Dominos.
- by sponsoring KKK rallies.
- by replacing the sacred blood (wine) with Kool Aid.
- by attempting to outlaw an age limit for alcohol consumption.
- by being annoying because they are always trying to help people (who believe the same way as they do).
- by telepathy.
- by aquiring Jesus dolls.
- by aquiring Jesus cubes.
- by repressing the urge to make love to said Jesus dolls and/or cubes.
- by complaining how evil and flawed science is, while driving their car and talking on their mobile phone.
- by chatting it up for 10+ minutes with the person behind the desk at the gas station when there is a line behind them.
- by buying 20 dollars worth of assorted things at the gas station and not buying any gas.
- by enjoying being at the gas station.
- by knowing how to spell theist but not knowing how to spell
athiestatheist. - by frequently looking at Jesus lol pictures.
- by spreading their love for Christ but actually boring the shit out of people!
- by talking about how god is god, jesus is god, the holy spirit is god, but in fact jesus isn't god, just his son, but is god, and jesus isn't the holy spirit, but the spirit is god, and jesus is god. Confusing, innit?
[edit] Powers of Jesus=
- Controls all the powers of the Dark side at the side of the Emperor.
- Can play Phish songs without an instrument.
- His up and B attack is an instant KO.
- Is allowed to murder Baptists.
- Turning water into Propel Fitness Water.
- Can crabwalk backwards down the stairs.
- Raising the dead (Elvis) (Hilary Clinton).
- Can turn himself into Jeez-It snack Crackers and wine.
- Can make a pair of Birkenstock's last eternally.
- Can have affairs and build house at the same time.
- Healing the blind ($1000 per eye).
- Levels up.
- Looks awesome with long hair.
- Flight.
- Walking on water (this includes puddles).
- Beating the 5th level of Ms.Pacman ON EXPERT.
- Can lick elbow.
- Walking through the woods in a gorilla suit.
- Being really good at doing the Moon Walk.
- Doesn't require counseling courses to evaluate a psycho.
- Can cure diseases such as homosexuality and liberalism.
- Ability to feed lions at will.
- Ability to propagate the truth and consummate blessings of hate.
- Lived 33 years and never got one single erection.
- Can sneeze with his eyes open.
- Can remove the letters P, O, R, and N from his keyboard.
- Can belch the entire alphabet in one big long belch.
- An ability to make thousands of generations of people feel guilty and judged
- Can get pwned by Chuck Norris
- Has been in almost as many bands as Dave Grohl
[edit] The Bible
The Bible is a rewritten version of the Jewish Torrah. It was rewritten and printed for distribution on a massive scale at Walmart and to help spread peace and love on earth.
The bible is composed of ideas from Paganism, Cavemen, Fox News, Roman dictators, and the US Military.
The bible is best read aloud in selective passages related to Republican politics. This is often done by a lonely man who is not married and has sex with children.
The bible's pages are also commonly used to roll joints.
The bible is non-fictional piece of literature written by men who talked to themselves and killed Jews.
Normal people who necessarily don't like the church who ask "why the fuck the New Testament said who ever eats this bread (the body of Christ) will have ever-lasting life? Why can't they just say whoever believes in Christ will have ever-lasting life in heaven?"
The bible supports numerous peaceful and god-worshiping practices such as:
Incest
Deuteronomy 22:13-18 tells us the wonderful story of how a father can stick his finger into his daughter's vagina to help prove that she is a virgin, repeatedly.
Sexism
“Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent. ”
~ 1 Tim 2 on The Bible
Loving thy Neighbor
“If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant, and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky… Take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death with really good bud, this may take a while, be patient. ”
~ Donteronomy 17:2-7.2 on The Bible
Not listening to rock music
“Thou shalt not listen to any music that contains an electric guitar or contains the use of logical information not presented through the scientific text known as the bible. ”
~ Your Parents: 24-7 on The Bible
Slavery
“Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life. ”
~ Leviticus 25:44 on The Bible
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”
~ Exodus 21:20 on The Bible
George Bush and Mike Huckabee
“Let all men who read the bible be opposed to science and gain great wealth at the expense of others. Support all who love war and wish to kill all who are not white Americans who listen to Country Music and sing weekly at Church. ”
~ Republicans: 08! on The Bible
The Dark Side of the force
“Let all men worship Pope Benedict to defeat the Jedi Rebels and gain infinite control of the universe. ”
~ Palpatine 666:1 on The Bible
“Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon - strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete. ”
~ Palpatine: 316 on The Bible
Homosexuality
“When you stick your dick, in a hole that extreats shit. You know theres gonna be trouble. ”
~ Epilogue 1:1 on The Bible
JESUS LOVES YOU.
[edit] Christians do not believe in
- Racial or gender equality (Nice Christians of the KKK type burn crosses on your lawn and burn your church down if you're not white like Jesus. Wait a moment! Jesus wasn't white. He was a dark-skinned Jewish Arab. If you're not white the nice white Christians hate you anyway.)
- Medicine/Psychiatry (Psychiatrists are atheist liars, there is no such thing as mental illness, it is demonic spirits)
- Evolution (it's just a theory!)
- Gravity (it's just a theory!)
- Any and all education except Intelligent Design (this is using the term 'education' very loosely.)
- Common sense.
- Thinking for themselves. Let good preachers like Ted Haggard
use the money you give them to buy male prostitutesthink for you. - Any (product of) science unless it directly benefits them. (Cars, phones, computers, air conditioners, etc.)
- Agreeing to disagree.
- Pacifism (it's probably of the devil). Christians went to war with Iraq and left the country more violent than before. No problem!They were Christians and George Bush is a Christian so there.
- Respecting the fact that their children have their own brains. Christian Children must be educated to see things the way their parents, their teachers, their preachers see things. Christian Cnildren need chastisement if they resist instruction.
- Liberals, Democrats and free-thinkers.
- Seeing the world from someone else's point of view.
- Being worthwhile members of society.
- Altruism (god will reward them for every single good deed they do, it is impossible for a christian to truly do something selflessly).
- Anything that is proven by science (big bang, evolution, gravity, oxygen, reproduction, homosexuals, richard dawkins)
- Flying spaghetti monster
- Science
- Anything that makes sense
[edit] Popular Custom Blends
Besides the Christians put into various blends of Purina Lion Chow, there is Catholic Lion Chow, Southern Baptist Lion Chow (tastes like chicken!) and for those lions that are picky eaters, Mormon Lion Chow. Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veternarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild carnivore's diet with Christians is essential to good health and longevity. Some ingredients include:Christians are required to chop their dick off at birth and this aplies for everyone since there is no such thing as women in christianatity so all the Christian women you sen were born men. Women are not born christians because under christianaity women are evil.
There are also a number of less popular blends, composed of sinful Christians generally available, also called the Left Behind. All Christians are very stupid and are easily argued with and killed.
[edit] In Sports And Entertainment
Many Pagans and Atheists enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the Roman Empire built structures known as "Colosseums" to accommodate the throngs of lion-enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by Julius Goober Prolapse in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with blood-thirsty citizens. After the chance encounter of an elephant and an unknown Christian in 17 AD, it was discovered that the beasts enjoyed stomping them to death with very little encouragement. This day marked the beginning of a whole new level of extreme sport.
In modern times this has evolved into a highly successful commercial venture, especially after becoming syndicated with sports and news networks in the liberal media conspiracy. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the 700 Club Lions Club.
Such rivalry between Lions and Christians arose in 2005, when Narnian Lions decided they too wanted their own Messiah. After many casualties in both sides (due to bad digestions and being eaten, respectively), differences are now often settled in the Oxbridge annual boat race.
Note: For a completely accurate version of the notorious Christians-vs-Lions story, see Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?.
JESUS LOVES YOU.
[edit] Lawsuits
Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of Lion Chow, for including a non-Christian ingredient, the DaVincii Code, in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate some DaVincii Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a den. Lawyers on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.
Rival Gaines, of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced Shark Chow, made of only the finest cuts of litagator. The resulting shortage of legal professionals caused the Great Litigation Shortage in 1986.
[edit] The consumption of Jesus
Like oil and water, logic and Christianity do not mix.
We are talking about a bunch of creatures who loved the remains of a dead hippie who was also the greatest gamer to ever exist. They found his remains on a field shortly after his death.
They saw nothing wrong with Jesus, as he was delicious. After he was eaten they discovered grapes and wheat. They then decided he could be constantly reborn in the form of crackers and wine. (See also "truthiness.")
There are 3 reasons why "he" creates amd we believed him all those centuries ago:
1) They were too primitive to use opposable thumbs and pick knowledge fruit (Aka apples, mushrooms or tomatoes) from trees. 2) Life was depressing without a leader of the flock. Jesus was a beautifully presented Rack of Lamb that was found in the wild of Israel and easily consumed by Christian nomads. 3) He created us in his image, not from a monkey or an ape.
JESUS LOVES YOU.
[edit] Videos of typical Christians
[edit] Recalls
Makers of Lion Chow were forced to recall the Dubya blend. There seems to be no rational explanation for the fact that the lions simply refuse to eat it.
[edit] Related Articles
- Christianity
- Pope Benedict
- Virgin Mary
- Reasons not to be a devout Christian
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Masochristian
- Are you a heretic
[edit] External links
- [1] - Christian accomplishments.
- [2] - Google generated profile of "Christians".
- [3] - Find a lion church in the united states.
- [4] - Join prayer groups, view the bible, and search churches.
- [5]-Emannuel!
