From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“"They make great torches!”
Christianity is a monounsaturated religion whose followers believe that a white skinned Middle Eastern dude called Jesus aka Christ was nailed to a cross 2000 years ago, and so everything is now going to be OK.
Allegedly started in the Year Zero, it remains popular today because it is the only socially acceptable large scale religion for Caucasians, and sometimes you get free bread and wine.
Worship involves praying to effigies to save you from Hell, eating Jesus's body and drinking his blood; finding security in the fact that someone is watching you-always, loves you, and is taking care of you, but will send you to burn in hell for all eternity if you disobey him once; believing that homosexuality between consenting adults is a sin that is on par with all others (yes, including that one) and routinely trying to get rid of the stereotype Catholics have given all the other other various types of Christianity. In addition most Christians wear nice hats.
History of Christianity
Christians first came to public attention when the Romans discovered that feeding them to their lions provided not only great entertainment for the crowds, but also vital nutritional sustenance.
Lions in the wild often suffer from a lack of Vitamin C (short for Christians). They contain essential vitamins and nutrients that maintain a proper diet and remain at the top of the food chain. This is opposed to Vitamin A (Atheists) who, contrary to popular belief, don't help you see the truth. "Finnah mess you up" (Leviticus 69:0.33)
It is said that if Christians ever evolve then the lions will be forced onto the endangered species list. Christians can only evolve by eating fruit from a tree in a Garden. According to a magical talking snake, this fruit contains knowledge somehow.
The leader of the Christian insurgency, God, strictly prohibits this as it allows Christians to climb the evolutionary ladder. The worship of God's estranged hippie son Jesus is common among Christians as they often follow in herds. Although Jesus did not invent the famed leaflets, he helped in the construction of a popular hat/crown. This behavior is not unlike the so called "rack of lamb, of god" who was born to a woman named the Virgin Mary, who claimed her son was born after she "didn't have sex with a bottle of tomato juice"
The Christian Bible is a rewritten version of the Jewish Torah, via the Egyptians who copied theirs from the Babylonian, who copied the Indians.
It is THE story. The great story told all over the world, and has been told more times than all other stories. It is the story of God, and Good vs Evil and the Devil. Opinions differ between Atheists and Christians if that counts as 2 or 4 people in the story, so a compromise has been taken and the Bible ended up being about a trinity just like most of the others. To this day the formula remains popular with movie makers in such classics as The Matrix, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Watership down.
The Old Testament or Torah was mostly copied from the Iraqis by an Egyptian named Aken Atan in an effort to convince everyone to worship him and not a load of stone penises. He was also trying to help his brother Moses get laid, which failed, so Moses cut the end off his penis and left for the promised land.
Everything was going fine for the Romans until Jesus suggested that maybe everyone should stop fucking everyone over so much. This was disastrous for Rome because its economy was based on fucking everyone over. As the Romans gradually all became Christian pussies and started acting all Christian Rome gradually began to collapse.
A few years after whatever Jesus was either walked upon England's mountains green or did not everyone agreed that something had happened to Rome. Although Jesus haters claimed he just nicked it all from Buddha his ideas of not fucking over thy fellow man were catching on and no one could deny it. Controlling Gods word and knowledge has always been pretty handy so there have always been lots of different versions of the story floating about. Some containing wisdom, usually containing bullshit.
The Roman emperors were willing to put up with people worshipping fish, owls, or volcanoes so long as the Emperor was still the boss, but when things got so bad that Roman soldiers started cutting off their own balls for religious reasons something had to be done. What was left of the Roman Empire had a vote around AD 340 and decided that Jesus was a supernatural being after all, buried the stories which said otherwise, and hid most of the stone penises. So that they could fuck things up thousands of years later they merged the mythologises of loads of old religions into their new Christianity so that one day they can claim there is no such thing as good because someone made a story up once.
When Rome finally ran out of people willing to kill for them they moved the Roman Empire to the Vatican and hid in a church. The Bible was printed for distribution on a massive scale at Walmart to help spread peace and love on earth.
Christian ties to the Sith
Indigenous Christians have only three sources of knowledge: The Bible, Fox News, and Emperor Palpatine. Many Humans today have evolved enough to not believe in Christianity. Still Logic is not part of Christian DNA. It is believed that molecules of the force influenced primitive Christians to believe in concepts now disproved by the Jedi Council, the US Supreme Court (and the Even Supremer Court), and the United Nations.
The leader of the Christians Pope Benedict XVIA.K.A Pope Bendydick controls all Catholics (Most normal Christians find him kinda wack-o) from his base, the Vatican City. The Pope is infallible, or he can't be wrong.
He has used his position of power to help contribute to Republican rule through force. This is mostly seen through the US Military Stormtroopers, The Lord's Resistance Army of the Galactic Empire of Africa.
Recently two Crusades have been commision in the Middle East, and Christian spies have instigated and backed blinded revolutions through out the East making it weak for a Crusader take over, The Republicans will then enslaved the Heathens to strengthen the Galactic Empire and use the slaves to build Weapons of Mass Slavery to take over the Universe!!!
Most Christians Deny
- Evolution (it's just a theory!)
- Allowing themselves to act or feel like an animal
- Their children have minds of their own.
- Having anything whatsoever to do with the Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, and Episcopalians
- Gay people who are not members of clergy
- Agreeing on one story and sticking to it
- Stealing Pagan ideas
- Killing and discriminating against followers of other religions.
- Morgan Freeman, for making us realize he would make a pretty good God
- Global Warming
- Missing shots during church-league basketball games (I bet a Jew would've made that free-throw)
- Making lists of things they don't believe in
- Any TV Show, Movie, or Video Game that does not have Christian values
The bible supports numerous peaceful and god-worshiping practices such as:
“A father may stick his finger into his daughter to help prove she is a virgin, repeatedly.”
“Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent. ”
Not listening to rock music
“Thou shalt not listen to any music that contains an electric guitar or contains the use of information not presented through the bible.”
“Convert or we will kill you”
Don't kill people
“Thou shalt not kill”
“If a man beats his male or female slave with a good rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.”
The Dark Side of the force
“Let all men worship Pope Benedict to defeat the Jedi Rebels and gain infinite control of the universe. ”
“Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenceless. Take your weapon - strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete. ”
“Thou shalt not tickle the chocolate starfish. Unless you're over 45 and a priest with Scouts experience. ”
Lion Chow Blends
Besides the Christians put into various blends of Purina Lion Chow, there is Catholic Lion Chow, Southern Baptist Lion Chow (tastes like chicken!) and for those lions that are picky eaters, Mormon Lion Chow. Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veterinarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild carnivore's diet with Christians is essential to good health and longevity.
In Sports And Entertainment
Many Pagans and Atheists enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the Roman Empire built structures known as "Colosseums" to accommodate the throngs of lion-enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by Julius Goober Prolapse in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with blood-thirsty citizens.
In modern times this has evolved into a highly successful commercial venture, especially after becoming syndicated with sports and news networks in the liberal media conspiracy. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the
700 Club Lions Club. However, this sport is still high and alive, except the lion has been replaced with Charles Darwin's Pit bull.
Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of Lion Chow, for including a non-Christian ingredient, the DaVinci Code, in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate some DaVincii Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a den. Lawyers on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.
Rival Gaines, of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced Shark Chow, made of only the finest cuts of litagator. The resulting shortage of legal professionals caused the Great Litigation Shortage in 1986.
Nowadays Jesus is also a reflex. This can be witnessed when your Dad is pissed off and yells, "JESUS" The origin of this can be traced to Christianity's growth in Spain. The legend states that the Spanish church had a dog named Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus). Locals had so much trouble pronouncing the dog's name correctly that they would often bear wittiness to Priests yelling the name "JESUS" at them. Today yelling Jesus is widely consider a proper way to respond to claims of the Church. Because contradictions are alright in Christianity, this is also a sin, unless watching the Detroit Lions play (Levitivitiviticus 69:.033). It is also due to the part of our brain which predisposes us toward Christianity. As they Bible says "...Therefore, thee who do not hold the strength of the Holy Spirit (the brain) are impaired, or according to Our Lord 'straight up retarded'".
- Pope Benedict
- Virgin Mary
- Reasons to become an atheist
- Are you a heretic
- The Last Poker