Christian rock

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Alyson Michalka (left) and AJ Michalka (right), these Christian Rock artists began as very crappy pop artists, but are now considered mediocre Christian Rock musicians, a significant improvement.

“I listen to Christian rock while in my hot tub.”

~ Satan on Christian Rock

“Rock music is just plain evil. But when we mix a little Jesus into it, it'll become 'white as snow'. It also becomes not worth listening to, but that's another matter altogether. ”

~ Christian mother on this article

“Christian rock sounds like an obese man eating KFC in bed.”

~ Captain Obvious on Christian Rock

[edit] Invention

Christian rock began when God created the religious group, Christians. This creation is also known as 'God's First Mistake', and was widely accepted as a poor decision, rivaling the creation of other religions. When the Christians heard the un-Christian Satan-worshipping music of such hard rock and metal bands like The Beatles and Britney Spears they realized they needed to combat this devil music with their own brand of positive, enthusiastic, terrible lyrics. With this new movement, Christian Rock was born.

[edit] Purpose

As of today the purpose of Christian rock is disputed. Some people use it as a torture technique notably in Guantanamo bay, other people play it and then play their own bands music to make their band's music sound better, now however it is generally agreed that Christian rock is as pointless as Christianity itself. Originally, it was created to make cheap, crappy music that appealed to extremely sensitive people. Now, however, the primary purpose is to bore the hell out of everyone until they finally agree to maybe go to church once in a while, probably on Easter or Christmas. This is a beginning for the genre, but it's not enough. Soon, everyone will go to church on every Sunday. Maybe sometimes Saturday. It's not a definite plan yet, really, you'd have to ask the Pope.

As well as this purpose, bands that can't seem to get a decent start just change their love songs to be about Jesus, exploit an entire religion, and then make tons and tons of money off of it. This is why Christian bands are usually terrible; because that's all they ever aspired to be. A terrible band with a hell of a lot of money.

[edit] The Rise to Infamy

While initially regarded as harmless, Christian Rock began to grow, which almost immediately triggered a violent rebellion from hipsters and music nerds alike. Furious, these people began wildly protesting against this terrible, exploitative music, and were promptly killed for the good of the Christian Nation. Despite the fact that this was a genocide, the destruction of all these elitsts was probably one of the few things that the Catholic Church managed to do correctly.

[edit] Stryper and Evanescene... two case studies

Stryper was/is a glam/hair/metal band incarnation of christian rock. They have even made an MTV video or two. They broke up in 1990 subsequently realizing that they had no other life prospects (its hard to get promoted to assistant manager at macadonalds with an IQ of 75, you need an IQ of 40 or below). In 2003 they reformed and they are still rockin as of 2008, having now become the most popular Christian rock band, selling over 32 albums world wide (but less than 34.)

Evanescence was an emo/goth band incarnation of christian rock. They were doing ok in Arkansas. But then, when they turned their back on Jesus, they met with real success. The lead singer dressed up like raggedy anne, and the guitarist had a cape with a hood on it, sort of like a Jawa.

They had some hits since its easy to sell crappy music to 5 year olds, but then they split up. God, in the form of Celine Deon covering Heart, brought the guitarist back into the fold of Christian love, when he assisted her in the arrangement of the song "Alone". He is making good, wholesome music again. The singer, though, has lost her soul after selling it to the Devil for a doughnut and is currently travelling across New York and LA punching babies and stealing from the homeless. Recently Satan forced her to convert to scientology ,the one true religion, and is trying to convert as many Jebusites and Girgashites she can. Jesus is currently planning to whip her fat ass during the second coming.

[edit] Sub Genres

Every form of music has its mirror in Christian rock. There is christian metal, christian hip-hop, christian punk rock, christian gangsta rap, christian rap metal, christian hardcore, christian death metal, christian adult contemporary, christian disco, and so forth and so on. Seriously. I'm not making that up.

The "bitches" of Christian rap.

[edit] Market Saturation (aka The Quickening)

Some markets, like Tulsa, Biblestan, have not only several Christian radio stations, but several Christian rock radio stations. This calls the believer to ask him or herself, which station is the most righteous with the Lord?

Clearly, whichever one is owned by Clearchannel. Why? Because Jesus hates losers and Clearchannel is the market leader.

[edit] The Ending

There is no ending. Until the music forces everyone to become Christian, there will only be suffering. But when that final moment comes, and when the last person is murdered or finally converts, Christian Music will become a power never seen before to man. From this dangerous and dark void of terrible music, something great will come; and that something will later be named Optimus Prime.

Christian rock defeats the purpose of rock. Christian rock groups are not artists, they just simply take words out of the bible and add instrumental.