From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“That sounds like an oxymoron to me.”
“So, you believe that a cosmic zombie (who was his own father), born from a 'virgin', can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in all humans because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree and thereby pissing off an invisible wizard who lives in the sky (who couldn't find the only 2 humans on Earth)? Yeah....makes perfect sense. ”
Christian Logic is an oxymoron and a paradox of modern cognitive reasoning. In the main it appears to be a form of Socratic thinking answering often complex questions with another question, frequently "What Would Jesus Do?"
Christian logic is a form of reasoning that is used to justify belief in the Bible. It's reason in the service of falsehood, which is called rationalization. It is easily used to justify certain things in the Bible such as the killing of homosexuals, genocide, the mention of slavery, forced marriage of rape victims, and the belief that all people who die believing in the wrong version of God will be tortured forever.
When interpreting the bible, it's important to remember that all the stories are supposed to be taken literally except for the ones which are not supposed to be. One can determine what parts are literal by relying on an intricate analysis system that consists of guessing,
thinking about it picking out what is convenient for you or seems nice and dandy, taking a bit or more of what your parents told you when you were a young child, or what one of your christian friends tells you is definitely true for sure, or best of all, what's shouted at you in a big building in the big voice of a big man who is thumping his pulpit and asking for you for donations for the lord. Also all parts of the Bible are true until it becomes obvious that they aren't and then a miracle happens and they immediately become things that were never meant to be taken literally to start with.
edit The central idea
The main theory of Christian Logic is that there is an invisible Wizard living up in the sky. This wizard created one and a half million species of insects and stars millions of lightyears away. This Wizard somehow teleports all Christians after their death to a heaven. The Wizard also somehow manage to send atheists, liberals and other heathen scum to a frying pan called hell. The Wizard also hears prayers from thousands of people from every corner of the earth at every instant while being on a tight schedule of creating tornadoes and earthquakes. This Wizard is only concerned with incoming prayers having to do with Republican politics, grocery shopping dilemmas, and the thanks from rappers when they win at MTV awards shows. Meanwhile the prayers of truly suffering people all around the world are filtered out by his Allah! Mail spam-filter. The thoughts from the heads of seven billion people in this world get converted into electromagnetic waves and they penetrate the skull, concrete and air to reach this wizard so that he knows what you are thinking at this very moment.
This Wizard loves each and every one of you so much, that, as per His command in the holy Bible, I am telling you this for him since he doesn't feel like telling you personally. He wanted me to give you this Hallmark card (he gave me a couple of dollars and told me to pick one myself), and he wanted me to remind you that if you don't believe that he loves you more than you can ever imagine, he's going to throw you into an inferno of infinite torture worse than anything you can possibly dream up. This is because he loves you.
Christian logic was first used in the Crusades as a method of paralyzing potential victims before knights moved in for the kill. Human history and God's strong stance against violence and killing demonstrated in the bible (especially the Old Testament) demonstrates the plain old-fashioned fact that christians loathe killing people and will not do it unless it is vital. So to minimize the amount of people the Crusaders had to kill, they would utter an irresistibly stupid statement, such as, "We cannot explain some natural phenomena, therefore, God did it." Those among the hapless crowd who were stupid would accept this truth, convert instantly and become Christian. This practice is known as Idiot Harvesting, and it explains the enormous amounts of both stupid people and Christians. The intellectuals, however, would find Christian logic an irresistible challenge, and attempt to argue while the Crusaders lopped off their heads. Unfortunately for them, it is a well-documented fact that Christians do not have ears. As such, early, intellectual atheists, agnostics and unicorns perished, convincing the Crusaders of Christian logic's success and therefore validity.
To this day, the question of how to deal with Christian logic is one of four problems humanity has not solved, the other three being, 'How do we find dark matter', 'Which came first; the chicken or the steam-powered velociraptor' and 'How in the hell did the Griswolds get that tree out of the ground in Christmas Vacation?' Christian logic is extraordinarily hard to deal with, simply because there is so much of it that if you were to ever actually finish an argument to your satisfaction, your brain would a splode.
edit Modern Idiot Harvesting
Christians today still use idiot harvesting (patented by Focus on the Family in 2001) to score easy points for Jesus in the same barbaric way as their Crusader ancestors. For example, when a christian publishes a book or propaganda film telling how they died and saw jesus or the devil and then came back (and sometimes even lie about having been an atheist previous to the experience), the stupid people believe and convert, and the intellectuals who know they are being lied to get called baby eaters.
edit An Exercise in Christian Logic
Can you use Christian logic to determine which of these events actually happened?
A) Moon splits apart
B) Man walks on water
C) Man is given golden plates by an angel
D) A man's staff is turned into a snake
E) Man is taken into Heaven on a flaming chariot
F) A woman is turned into salt
G) Mr. T does not want to go on a plane because he hates flying, so he's given drugged milk to put him to sleep so his team can finish the mission
edit Cherry Picking
Cherry Picking refers to the method of deciding which parts of the Old and New Testaments to follow and which ones to ignore.
According to the Bible, Jesus said that he came not to abolish the law of the prophets, but to fulfill them - every "jot and tittle". What many people do not realize was that there was an asterisk (*) at the end of that sentence and that Jesus originally intended for Christians to arbitrarily decide what to follow based on how they were feeling that day, but a smudge of peanut butter accidentally covered the asterisk, thus creating more confusion (see the photo to the right).
Examples of Cherry Picking would be ignoring kosher dietary laws. Christians would contend that Jesus died for our sins and because of this, we no longer have to follow those Old Testament laws except for those Old Testament laws that we still have to follow. Another would be circumcision; it's not just for the Jewish guys, folks, Christians follow all the other rules so they too should have their foreskins cut off. I'm just saying, that's all. And if being a Christian doesn't turn out all that well for you, you could always go into porno.
It is particularly important that Jesus be loved and revered, and that his words be ignored.
edit Proof that God Exists
For Christians this is easy. They start with some very simple reasoning. The universe cannot be infinitely old, or else we would never get to now. Because we'd still be back there. SO The universe had to have a cause.
As memes are invariably traced to the asshole of the intarwebz (fucking 4chan), so is the universe traced to Spaghetti.
Many so-called professors of mathematics, logic and philosophy say that this proof is flawed and they produce “rigorous” busts to the above argument but Christians know these objections are easily dealt with - you can’t apply that sort of logic to God, you have to experience Him.
Equally Christians understand that time had to start somewhere but that would be impossible, time can’t just start, therefore there has to be a God to start it. Physicists and mathematicians who produce asymptotic theories of time clearly do not live in the real world and have not watched a clock go round, so they must be wrong.
Above all there is a book that says God exists that was written by a follower/prophet of God himself, so it must be true. Therefore God exists.
This book, the Bible, (Muslims substitute the Koran, Jews substitute the Torah) contains the one truth and says that God is the only true God and all other “gods” are false and must not be worshipped.
edit Dealing with Atheists' logic
Christians also find it easy to dispel common objections to the existence of God:
- “There are so many different gods in the world. They can’t all exist. Why do you believe in your god?” This line of reasoning overlooks that God can manifest himself in many different and mysterious ways and that all followers of religion in a sense can be seen to follow the same God, just in a different way.
- “There does not seem to be any concrete evidence that God exists. He’s just a figment of your imagination.” So many people believe in God it must be true. And you have to experience Him to understand. If you are closed minded you cannot experience Him. You are closed minded therefore you don’t understand. Therefore God exists.
- “Religion, including Christianity, causes great harm in the world.” That is a real shame. Blame Atheists. (See  )
- “But other religions came earlier and Islam will soon have more followers.” (See above arguments on multiple religions)
- “But didn’t you say yours is the only true god? Isn’t that in the Bible?” This is far too literary an argument and misses the point that in some sense all gods are the same but at the same time are completely different and there is one true god. You have to look at this on a higher level than simple logic. Believers of all religions understand this, only atheists don’t.
edit Sin is Sin
Christians contend that since no unclean thing can enter Heaven this means that everyone deserves to be tortured forever in Hell because we have all sinned and all sins are equal in the eyes of God. It is only through believing in the correct version of God with no empirical evidence that one is saved. Stealing a pen may not seem like that bad of an act when compared to other sins, but imagine if you were baking an evil cake and you didn't add any sugar to it. The cake would not taste sweet. This illustrates that the little things count too because what applies to baking should also apply to eternal punishments. To God, a pinch of stealing gum is just as bad as a cup of raping and murdering.
Evil Cake Recipe
- 1 pinch of gum stealing
- 1 cup of raping and murdering
- 1/2 cup of voting for the Tories
- 3 eggs
- 1/4 cup of water
- 1 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup milk
- 2 1/4 cup of flour
- 2 tablespoons of cannabutter
- 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla
- 2 handfuls of butterscotch tits
- 0 cups of sugar
Heat oven to 350 degrees. Generously grease and flour two 9-inch round cake pans.** In small saucepan over low heat, melt 2/3 cup butterscotch chips in 1/4 cup water, stirring until smooth. Cool slightly. Lightly spoon flour into measuring cup; level off. In large bowl, combine flour, all remaining cake ingredients and cooled butterscotch mixture; beat at low speed until moistened. Beat 3 minutes at medium speed. Pour batter into greased and floured pans. Bake at 350 degrees F for 20 to 30 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Cool 10 minutes; remove from pans. Cool 30 minutes or until completely cooled.
edit The Gaping Holes
Some christian logic is rather acceptable however it is always let down by 'The Gaping hole syndrome' meaning when it is safe to assume, that there is a christian belief that is feasible, unfortunately there is a Christian belief that is not. For example, Christian logic states, there are no such thing as ghosts. Feasible. This is because we all go to this cloudy place with God or you go to a burny place with Satan. Not so feasible. Long ago, a man named Jesus was executed by the Romans for preaching Christianity. Feasible. He had superhuman powers. Not so feasible. At one point in human existence everyone was sinful. Feasible. A pensioner built a gigantic boat with his family and somehow collected two of every animal, to survive a worldwide flood that would kill everyone and start things again. Not so feasible.
It is also interesting to note that what a Christian chooses to believe seems to be based on the time in which an event takes place. For example, if a Christian is told that a donkey talked to a man, many Christians would view this as a historical event as long as it was recorded over 2,000 years ago in their Bible. If, however, someone told a Christian that a donkey spoke to someone just five minutes ago, most Christians would not believe this, no matter who this claim came from because God no longer chooses to perform miracles except for the miracles he chooses to perform.
edit Teaching of Christian Logic
Few people change their religious beliefs after the age of 7 so Christians find it is best to start teaching it early. They recommend to teach Christian Logic to children of 5 years old or even younger, at home and in the school, when they are best able to weigh up the pros and cons of the complex arguments for and against the existence of God and to separate fantasy from reality. The fact that this is the same age children are told Santa Claus is real is not a coincidence.
Teaching by constant repetition of a few points and not allowing any questioning of key premises is also seen as critical. Dissenters should be publically humiliated in class for being so silly. Daily prayers are used to reinforce these points as they create a powerful subliminal message. Christians draw a distinction between these methods and those of Islam, cults and some dictatorships because Christianity is Good and the others are Evil (as defined in the Code of Christianity, chapter 9, page 391, near the top of the second paragraph beginning with the word "verily").
edit Number of Christians
There is some dispute over which religion has how many followers. China is particularly difficult to assess. However, it is generally accepted that Christianity is the most prevalent religion in the world. The list below shows the most accurate picture available for the world excluding China.
Christians: 2bn; Muslims: 1.8bn; Hindus: 1bn; other religions outside of China: 0.8bn
World population excluding China: 5.2bn.
Therefore number of atheists outside of china = minus 0.4 bn.
Which proves again that atheists are wrong and Christians are right.
And atheism is very popular in France. So it can’t be right. Christianity is the most popular religion in France which is an atheist country. So Christianity must be right.
But remember religion is not a popularity contest. It
is a tool for politicians to win popularity contests happens to galvanise large parts of the population and wise and selfless people like US politicians connect with Christianity and promote it for the common good. Not themselves at all. Really.
edit Using Christian Logic to prove I am god
Me: I am god.
Christian: Prove it.
Me: Prove that I'm not.
Think about it and it's pretty obvious what is being implied. Besides, I got bored and didn't feel like explaining, and after all I am god and it's not in gods to explain themselves.
...still can't figure it out? It's ok, I should have known better than to tell a christian to think about something. Observe:
Christian: The Christian God is the One True God®
Me: Prove it.
Christian: Prove that he's not.
Me: I am the One True God's master
Christian: Prove it.
Me: Prove that I'm not.
- ↑ In Christian jargon this is known as being filled with the Holy Spirit
- ↑ Some restrictions apply. What does and doesn't count as a restriction varies from one christian to another. Generally accepted restrictions include creationism and coming back to life after being dead for three days.
- ↑ Tornadoes are mostly aimed at areas of fervent Christian belief, proving the invisible sky Wizard has a sense of humour.