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Christian Bale (born 30 January 1974) is an ethnically confused actor, known by many for his volcanic temperament. In addition to starring roles in big budget Hollywood movies, he has long been present in independent films; of which many require Bale to starve himself to Ethiopian proportions.
Bale first caught the public eye when he was cast in the starring role of Steven Spielberg's Empire of the Sun at the age of 13. Since then, he has portrayed an EXTREMELY wide range of characters. Bale is especially noted for his cultist following, with Entertainment Weekly hailing him as one of the "Top 8 Most Powerful Cultist Leader's of the Past Decade." EW also later named Bale one of the "Most Insane People in Entertainment" in anticipation of him going postal.
Although Bale was born in Wales, his parents were South African born entrepreneur, commercial pilot, and talent manager, David Bale, and English circus clown performer, Jenny James. This combination of a Playboy father and an exotic, circus-freak mother, would doom him into mental disease even before he was born. After leaving Wales in 1976, Bale spent his childhood in several countries, including England, Portugal and the United States of America. Christian was bullied in all of them for his accent, cruelly only managing to fully adopt a regional dialect just before moving to the next one, to be bullied again. This eventually developed into Bale being unable to control his accent when under pressure.
Settling for four years in Bournemouth and Henley-on-Thames, Bale attended Shiplake C of E Primary School and Bournemouth School respectively, due to both of them being where mild mannered (at the time) Bale was bullied the least. As a child, he trained in Ballet, which also did not help the abuse. In his teenage years, Bale would discover Rugby Union. Considered a magnificent sport that allowed him to knock down a man twice his size without repurcussions, Bale found an outlet for his pent-up aggression.
Bale's father was very supportive of his son's acting, resigning from his job as an unemployed Playboy entrepreneur, to travel and manage Bale's burgeoning career. David Bale later married Feminist icon Gloria Steinem, who would come to conflict with the younger Bale's misogynist attitude.
Before finding fame, Christian Bale first starred in the made for Television Movie Anastasia in 1986. It was an early example of his extraordinary acting talent, as he was the only person on set who could say his character's name; Tsarevich Alexei Nikolaevich of Russia. This was followed by a leading roles in the fantasy adventure Mio in Faraway Land,with Christopher Lee. Behind the scenes of Mio, there was an ongoing feud between Lee and Bale over who was the better actor, culminating in an assault by twelve year-old Bale, which was quickly split up by the cast and crew.
In 1987, Amy Irving, Bale's co-star in Anastasia, introduced him to her husband Steven Spielberg, who found it difficult to believe his wife's outlandish stories about the young actor's aggressiveness, and had to meet him in person. Spielberg, renowned for his mystic ability of finding child stars, saw the promise that young Bale showed and immediately cast him in his film, The Empire of the Sun, under the agreement that Bale would not aggravate or attack any of his co-stars. However, Bale would go back on this agreement, attacking not only John Malkovich, Miranda Richardson and Ben Stiller, but even the director, Spielberg himself.
After the premiere of the film, Bale verbally assaulted the music composer; John Williams, for mixing the music too loud during one of his monologues; a performance Russell Crowe would later replicate at his Academy Award acceptance speech. Despite his string of assaults, Bale's performance earned him widespread critical praise, and the "Best Performance by a Juvenile Actor" award from the National Board of Review of Motion Pictures. Bale at first misunderstood the meaning of "juvenile", and proceeded to assault the members of the Board until someone explained to him the meaning in context.
The attention the press gave him and the intense bullying he received from his classmates took a toll on Bale, and he considered giving up acting until Kenneth Branagh approached him and persuaded him to appear in Henry V in 1989. Under the false impression that Kenneth Branagh was actually Ewan McGregor, a long time man-crush of his, Bale accepted the part, only to later find out Branagh's real identity. Inevitably, this led to another assault. However, his dream eventually came true in the film Velvet Goldmine, where Christian not only got to appear next to Ewan McGregor, but got to make out with him as well.
In 1990, Bale played the role of Jim Hawkins in Treasure Island, opposite Charlton Heston's Long John Silver. Upon meeting the young actor, Heston wanted to get any issues the two might face out of the way, and so squared up to the virilent Bale and said to him "Take your best shot!" Bale did, and upon hitting the actor's square jaw, broke 13 out of 27 bones in his right hand. Bale would not assault another actor for 10 years.
In 1999, Bale played himself under the alias of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho, a film adaptation of his controversial biography written by Bret Easton Ellis. Bale was briefly dropped from the project in favor of Leonardo DiCaprio, which led to him challenging DiCaprio to a serial-killer competition. The two were given assorted weapons and sent out onto the streets of New York, and aimed to kill as many people possible within 5 minutes without being arrested. Bale racked up at total of 47 kills, with an additional 18 injured or in shock from his verbal abuse alone. DiCaprio, on the other hand, attempted to kill an old homeless bag lady for the whole 5 minutes with no success.
With Bale winning, the part was regained, and DiCaprio was forced by Bale to star in The Bitch. Unfortunately, Bale's accent had subconsciously transferred into French, and so DiCaprio thought he was supposed to star in The Beach. In 2000, Bale further channeled his psychopathic instincts by appearing as himself in John Singleton's remake of Shaft, developing his passion for violence further, as well as introducing him to Samuel L. Jackson, and subsequently his love of racism.
Upon watching DragonHeart 2 and pondering how awful it was, Bale decided to star in the film, Reign of Fire, again as himself, which saw him hunting Dragons, an endangered species at the time. Now, thanks to Christian Bale, they are completely extinct. Reign of Fire also introduced Bale to his lifelong friend, Gerard Butler. For the time of filming, Bale served as an acting coach to Butler, introducing him to the acting method of "When in doubt, shout it out!" Butler would later demonstrate this method in the Academy Award winning, historical-epic, 300. During production, a fight broke out between Bale and Matthew McConaughey on set while the cameras were still rolling. The director was so lazy that he decided to use it as part of the plot, and dubbed the character's names over the trash talk between Bale and McConaughey.
In 2002, upon failing to kill another endangered species with a sniper rifle, Bale realised he needed firearm tuition. He went to famed firearm and martial art instructor Kurt Wimmer to be taught the mythical art of Gun Kata. Many of their practice sessions were filmed, so Wimmer, seeing a business opportunity, filled most of the scenes with CGI and released it as the dystopian action-thriller, Equilibrium. Bale is recorded as having the third most onscreen kills in a film ever with 118, exactly half of the movie's total of 236. However, in the two films that beat it, the kills were not real unlike Bale's.
After a year, Christian Bale entered into a deep depression, reportedly from having to deal with the list of civil and criminal charges massed against him. He quit from acting and took a job as a Machinist in a factory. Another opportunistic film-maker continued the trend set by past directors, placing secret cameras in Bale's workplace and watching Bale "be Bale" in a naturalistic setting. The director captured humiliating footage of Bale visiting a prostitute, calling an ambulance for his imaginary epileptic friend, harassing his co-workers, and losing his sanity. The film had great success, with many critics praising Bale's performance, despite the fact he was not acting. This exploitation only served to worsen Bale's depression, so in an attempt to kill himself, he ceased eating for 246 days. Miraculously, Bale did not die from this prolonged hunger, leading him to the delusion that he must be a superhero.
To beef up for his new career, Bale ate one killer-whale a day, and did press-ups with his thumbs. Chuck Norris offered to be his personal trainer, but he declined, reasoning that "Chuck Norris is a fucking tired internet meme, who I want nothing to do with..." While seemingly a dimwitted statement by Bale, he was actually hoping this would anger Norris enough to fight him. As is predictable with any Chuck Norris related joke, he did not walk away, hospitalising Bale for 4 months.
However, Bale survived and walked out of the intensive care unit, with the beating only strengthening his belief that he was indestructible. After gaining fat upto Blob-level (450lbs) on his superhero-edition weight scales, he then proceeded to turn it into muscle, while also getting leaner at the same time. When Bale arrived at his optimum weight, he found that he was at Wolverine level, and so lobbied for the part. However, it was already taken by Hugh Jackman, considered by many Bale fans to be his arch-nemesis. The next closest on the superhero scales was Batman, who had been out of action for 8 years since Batman and Robin, where George Clooney's characterisation was unfortunately overshadowed by Arnold Schwarzenegger's grand performance as Mr. Freeze.
With a superhero alias in mind, Bale sought funding to obtain his costume and gadgets. Doing door-to-door fund raising, he ended up on the doorstep of acclaimed director Christopher Nolan. Being a brooding, closeted psychopath himself, Nolan felt for Bale's plea, and offered to sponsor his vigilante activities, with the condition that he would be allowed to film it as a documentary chronicling the origins of this newer, less camp Batman and the re-emergence of Bale's acting career.
Bale set out on his new career as a vigilante, with Christopher Nolan documenting his journey. He began by asking legendary Jedi, Qui-Gon Jinn to train him as a ninja. The Jedi Knight accepted on the condition that Bale would smuggle a rare blue flower to him, for "recreational usage". Already versed in the martial arts discipline of Gun Kata, he took well to Jinn's regime of mixed martial artistry, and general ninja stuff. To finalize his training, Bale was asked to ceremoniously kill Boltok, the village rapist of the Ninja Temple Mountains. However, intense meditation helped Bale to momentarily realise the errors of his ways in the past, and he refused to kill Boltok. So instead, Bale fought his way out and escaped, exploding the temple and effectively killing the 1000 ninjas and Boltok the rapist anyway.
Bale did have the courtesy to save Qui-Gonn Jinn. However, he left him unconscious with a group of Vietnamese hillbillies, who would enslave and sodomise Jinn for several months before he and Marcellus Wallace, who was previously vacationing there before being captured, broke out from their sexual slavery and destroyed the village and its inhabitants. Jinn would return to take revenge on Bale, by burning down his newly bought mansion and leaving him for dead. Bale survived, and chased him in his new costume, thanks to Christopher Nolan's generosity, and confronted him on a train. Qui-Gon Jinn then admitted that his persona was a disguise, and revealed his true identity: Liam Neeson.
The film went on to gross $370,000,000. Christopher Nolan, realising the lucrativeness of putting Bale's animosity on camera, created a sequel; The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger was cast as Bale's main adversary, the Joker. In preliminary shooting, Nolan found Ledger's initial characterisation of the Joker unimpressive, so Bale introduced Ledger to Method Acting, while Nolan recommended his psychiatrist, who specialised in supplying celebrities with prescription painkillers and muscle relaxants.
Almost immediately after taking the pills, there was a sudden shift in Ledger's personality, and was notorious on set for terrorising the cast and crew when he was in full makeup. Nolan let this slide, as this new, less rested Ledger created much better material on camera, and outshone Bale similar to the way Arnold Schwarzenegger overshadowed George Clooney in Batman and Robin. In reaction to this, Bale overcompensated by taking Batman's rough voice to the extreme, through experimental surgery and powersmoking two cigarettes a minute in-between takes. The onscreen rivalry between Batman and the Joker would develop further offscreen between Bale and Ledger. Any further complications with Ledger's involvement in The Dark Knight are detailed in the controversies section of this article.
After Batman Begins, Bale returned to independent films. He was cast as an Afghanistan war veteran/wigga in Harsh Times. Originally written as a comedic role, Bale's explosive episodes on and off set made for more interesting viewing, and so the director incorporated this into the character by attributing it as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Despite his aggressive behaviour with the cast and crew, Bale reported that he enjoyed shooting the film/people, immersing himself in gangsta culture, and the lifestyle of Kevin Federline.
In 2006, Bale starred in The Prestige, next to Hugh Jackman. Bale took the part hoping to beat the shit out of the person who had stolen Wolverine from him. However, Christopher Nolan (directing again) had already anticipated Bale's hatred for Jackman and incorporated a clause into his contract, specifically prohibiting Bale from harming any of the cast and crew members. Clauses like this have become standard in his contracts since then.
Bale also starred in the homo-erotic Western remake; 3:10 to Yuma, about a rancher and an outlaw who fall in love against insurmountable odds, and try to escape from the oppressive Puritan society of Arizona by taking a train to Yuma, San Francisco.
The film was notable for Bale co-starring with fellow brawler Russell Crowe. Both stars' contracts contained prohibition clauses limiting any animosity or violence on set, forcing both actors to resort to simple cat-calls and wrestler-like trash talk during lunch hours. One standout scene in the film is a one shot take of both actors in a staring match lasting 10 minutes and 37 seconds. The director edited out the ending of the match, leaving it ambiguous as to who the winner was.
After becoming frustrated at The Sims crashing on his laptop for the 5th time that day, Christian Bale placed a Jihad on Machines, and helped write and starred in Terminator Salvation. Bale again employed the "When in Doubt, Growl It Out" acting method, as he had done previously in The Dark Knight. This film marked Bale breaking his violence prohibition clause not only once, but twice. From the moment McG told him who would be playing the part of Marcus Wright opposite his John Connor, Bale knew that he would have yet another intense and irrational hatred of a fellow actor.
Bale disliked the fact that Sam Worthington, a relatively unknown actor, was receiving more screen-time, more money and more cheesy action-movie lines than he was. One day during a production break, Bale finally snapped and hid inside Sam Worthington's dressing room for several hours in wait. When Worthington finally went inside, Bale locked the door and repeatedly struck him on the back with a plank of wood.
Worthington was crippled in a wheel-chair for months, most visibly seen in his latest film Avatar. Complex CGI was used to make it appear as though he was walking in any scenes that remained to be filmed. This unfortunately drained funds that were supposed to be used for Arnold Schwarzenegger's CGI appearance, resulting in a very laughable cameo. Terminator Salvation was received poorly by critics, many of them questioning why the director of the Charlie's Angels movies was allowed to take control. On the other hand, James Cameron's Avatar was heralded as one of the greatest movies of this century, partly in credit to the boldness of having a disabled person in a wheelchair play the lead protagonist.
Writer/Director Joe Carnahan confirmed that Bale is involved in the movie Killing Pablo (This is not a joke). Returning to his independent roots, Bale has also been cast as an emaciated crackhead boxer alongside Mark Wahlberg in The Fighter (Again, this is not a joke). Bale is also in the running to play legendary mass murderer, Solid Snake in the film adaptation of Metal Gear Solid.
Assault on His Mother
On 22nd July 2008, Bale attended a London police station by appointment and was arrested in connection with a drive-by shooting on his mother and sister, who called the authorities. Due to the British police force being completely inept, Bale was released without charge, as he cunningly convinced them with his acting skills that he did not have hands, and therefore could not have operated an AK-47 assault rifle. Bale then went home and took retribution upon his mother and sister for ratting him out. The police were again summoned, and Bale was arrested.
This time, Bale revealed to the London police constabulary that he was Batman, and that he needed to be free in order to prevent an attack by some kind of terrorist organisation on an important and well populated area. Despite Bale not specifying who the terrorists were or where they would to strike, the police were more than happy to oblige, not only releasing Bale from custody, but also granting him diplomatic immunity as a protector of the British Empire. Should Great Britain ever commence its long delayed war on America, Bale will lead Her Majesty's Militia.
Heath Ledger's Mysterious Death
On January 22nd 2008, Heath Ledger was found dead in a rented London apartment from an apparent accidental overdose on prescription painkillers, his favorite snack at the time. However, Police suspected foul play as Ledger had several bruises, and it appeared as though the pills had been taken forcibly. Also of note was that forensics found Christian Bale's fingerprints on a discarded pill bottle, a small length of rope, and an empty syringe; all next to Ledger's body. Other sources also claimed that Bale and Ledger had a heated argument several days earlier about who would be more remembered after people had seen the film. Further sources indicate this argument developed into a fight, in which Bale incapacitated Ledger and then told security staff that he was just trying to "help him sleep".
Despite this seemingly incriminating evidence, the London police had learnt from their previous mistakes of accusing Bale and did not bother to follow up any investigation against him. Christopher Nolan's psychiatrist, however, is awaiting trial on charges of drug dealing and improper job conduct relating to several other patients.
Terminator Salvation Incident
Shortly after his attempted murder on his mother and sister, Bale had a psychotic episode on the set of Terminator Salvation. Shane Hurlbut, the Autism-afflicted director of photography, had interrupted a scene 112 times to adjust the lighting. Bale, unable to tolerate his constant interruptions, took him aside and calmly tried to communicate with him, taking a more sensitive approach due to his mental condition. However, Hurlbut constantly interrupted him in conversation and unwisely admitted that he preferred George Clooney's interpretation of Batman over Bale's, and that he could not understand the point of making another Terminator film. This proved to be a step too far for the already mentally-tender Bale, as he went into an explosive meltdown, viciously threatening and belittling Hurlbut, breaking the world record for "Most Profanities in a Workplace Discussion".
Other cast members tried to calm him down, but Bale had entered deep psychosis. Seeing strange hallucinations, and hearing the voices of some of his characters in his head, Bale came under the impression that the cast and crew were Scientologists trying to abduct him to replace Tom Cruise as their new poster boy.
In defence, Bale brandished a 12-gauge shotgun and, after listening to some brief advice from a hallucination of Bruce Wayne and then promptly telling him to "shut the fuck up", took Hurlbut hostage, warning everyone to stay back. Bale then programmed one of the prop-Terminators to act as his bodyguard-accomplice, and together they forced the cast and crew to evacuate the film studio and locked it down. Using the cameras, they presented their demands to public TV, requesting food, weaponry and defense-amulets to protect themselves from the thetan spirit of L. Ron Hubbard and his warrior-mages.
In an attempt to control the situation, the police sent in Bale's longtime friend Gerard Butler to negotiate and convince him to surrender. However, Bale instead convinced Butler to join him in his cause against the Scientologists, who they believed were sieging the Warner Brothers film studio. Bale and Butler, along with 300 Terminators, waged a war against a million Scientologists who had gathered outside in protest at the slanderous remarks Bale had made about Scientology on live TV.
Breaking out of the film studio, they fought their way through Los Angeles to the Scientology Headquarters and annihilated the Thetan Army once and for all. Due to media sensationalism and the general public's overwhelming hatred for Scientology, the original reasons for war were forgotten, and Bale and Butler were celebrated for their brave defence of Los Angeles from the alien invaders. However, this would only prove to be a small victory, as to this day, Scientology has been working to repopulate the ranks of its armed militia, waiting to strike upon Earth once again.
In 2003, during Bale's great depression at the growing list of civil and criminal charges against him, he sought solace in religion and subsequently joined the Catholic church. Sadly, Bale found the sermons uninspiring, the idea of an omnipotent super-being in control of the universe unbelievable, and was, quite frankly, uncomfortable with the many sexual advances he received from the church priest. After much deliberation and philosophical thought about the existence of God, one of the main characters from the storybook that Catholics worship, Bale came to realise that he was superior (at least in his own mind) to any number of deities that he compared himself to. Like L. Ron Hubbard and King James before him, it was only natural that he then declare himself a god.
“I sought help from a higher power to better myself, only to discover there was no higher power than me.”
Parallel to the community of his fans growing in numbers over time, Bale's religion has also been steadily attracting worshippers since its inception. Unsure about what his new religion should actually believe besides the idea that he is a god in human form, Christian Bale decided to base it around the wisdom and teachings of his own films.
Due to the contrasting and often violent nature of the characters in his films, the Baleistic belief system is shrouded in mystery, with even upper-hierarchy Baleist ministers admitting confusion about the true values of the religion. This has drawn considerable criticism from journalists and the Media, as well as Human Rights Watchdogs, who have observed Baleism's considerable track record of its members physically and verbally assaulting people who unfairly criticize or disparage its beliefs. Bale has simply put this down to general policy, stating:
“If Muslims can go round blowing shit up just because some kid drew a picture, then why can't I??”
Since the sect's struggle to become an officially-registered religious organisation, there has been a long standing conflict over domain name with the popular fantasy-folklore based church, Christianity. This dispute eventually came to an end after a lengthy legal process, when the Christian church played the "We Were Here First!" card. This ultimately won the argument in court, leaving the sect to settle for Baleism.
In 2005, Martin Bashir conducted a series of interviews with Christian Bale as part of a documentary on Baleism, attempting to capture their way of life. The revealing documentary uncovered many shocking insights into the cult, with much media discussion centred around a clip of Bale talking candidly about his feelings as the leader of the religion, only to be interrupted by someone walking in front of the camera. Bale then began threatening and menacing the individual, causing a fight to ensue. Many passers-by rushed to the defence of the person, who was cowering on the floor whilst being severly bludgeoned by Bale with one of his shoes. Baleists nearby also came to the aid of their leader, developing into what was coined by The Daily Mail as the September Bale Riots. Casualties were in the thousands... and that was just by Bale.
On 29 January 2000, Bale married his very own mail-order bride; Sandra "Sibi" Blazic (born 1970), a one-time model, make-up artist, and suicide-watch assistant to Winona Ryder. The couple have a daughter; Emmeline, who was born on 27 March 2005, and is taught street fighting every other afternoon by Christian. He also owns two German Shepherds, which are trained to attack minority groups on sight. Bale has three older-sisters, whom he beats on a regular basis (in self-defence, of course...): Erin Bale, a musician; Sharon Bale, a computer professional; and Louise Bale, a theatre director and actress, who finds her career meaningless as she is continuously compared to her brother.
Philanthropy and Charity Work
Like his father, Christian Bale actively supports environmentalist groups such as Greenpeace, the IRA, and the World Wildlife Fund, (Not to be confused with the World Wrestling Federation, which he also avidly supports).
Many have speculated that Bale might possibly be a vegetarian when it was discovered that he has not eaten a McDonalds' meal since 2001. In reality, Bale has a long term ban from any McDonalds franchise restaurant, after he mercilessly pulled a McDonalds worker out of a Drive-Thru window for getting his order wrong. Even though the claims of his affinity for animals have since been dispelled, Bale has still commented that he has very few issues with them, appreciating that they do not answer back to him, unlike human beings.
Christian Bale also regularly goes out of his way to reduce his carbon footprint. For example, on days with heavy traffic congestion, rather than sit in a traffic jam for hours with his engine turned on, he instead takes the Batmobile to work, blasting through road barriers, trampling over cars that are in his way, and driving cross-country whenever he can.
Bale has admitted, at the risk of being called a geek and/or a noob, that he is a video game fan, citing Tetris to be his favorite way to cool down after an abusive episode. He can be found regularly playing World of Warcraft, under the username "Balezout", with his own specially commissioned character class; a "Dark Knight" that is proficient in close-quarters-combat and has the Intimidating Shouts talent, which wards off lower-level enemies as well as inflicting minor damage on any other players nearby.
In an interview for Public Enemies, Bale offhandedly commented that he enjoys the Metal Gear Solid series, having great respect for Solid Snake's mullet and stubble, even going so far as to try to replicate it in films such as Reign of Fire and Rescue Dawn. The reporter further asked if he enjoyed any Final Fantasy games, to which Bale replied that it was for nerds, and that he should mind his own fucking business.
Despite his affinity for videogames, Bale has declined giving his voice and likeness to any tie-in games for his movies, as he has not yet fully recovered Christian Bale killed Heath Ledgerfrom the shock of playing the Batman Begins videogame.