Chris Wolstenholme
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“We tried to get Chris to act as Mrs. Punch, but he told us to piss off, sadly.”
~ Dominic Howard on Chris Wolstenholme
“Beer.”
~ Chris Wolstenholme on daily procedures
“Arrrghhh!!!! My eyes!”
~ Matthew Bellamy on Chris Wolstenholme's penis
Christopher Tony Wolstenholme is a mustard whore, and was born in the late 9th century, in a peasant village in the nation of Yugoslavia. His mother was a Unicorn and his father smelled of sex and alcohol. His favourite past times include womanizing, talking to the invisible people in the sky, and playing the rusty trombone in alien space rock band Muse.
[edit] Early Life
Chris started learning bass when he was still inside the womb. This was very uncomfortable for his mother and an emergency operation had to be conducted. He went to school on Jupiter, where he made friends and had insanely curly and long hair. He has a minor physical defect which allows him to produce and play orgasm-causing, phatphatphat, omg let me lick your face bass lines which are all part of his elaborate plan to become president of the US. Being a UK citizen is not an issue for him as his birth certificate simply says, "Birth place: unknown," and that's good enough for the US government.
[edit] Forming of Muse
Chris met fellow band members Matt My-bell-end-and-me and Demonic Coward in a brothel. Matt and Dom where chatting in a corner. Chris told Dom to put some pants on and a friendship was instantly formed.
Six orgies with native African men later, Matt asked Chris if he would like to make some fun together. Chris, assuming it was a metaphor, told him to "bugger off, you stupid poof." Dom explained what Matt really meant, and the next day they wrote their first song, "Small things in me".
[edit] Family
Chris is married to the Greek Goddess of Sex, and has twenty-seven children, all named Dave. Actually, three of these children were fathered by Matt. The Matt-bastards can be distinguished by their weasel-like tendencies, as well as the fact that they will eat nothing but bananas.
