Chris Morris (satirist)
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Hi, I'm Chris Morris. Satirist, actor, shining beacon in the impenetrable smog of current affairs. Welcome to my page. But is it really my page? With all the computer viruses and hidden porn on the world wide internet web, it's impossible to tell what sites you're actually visiting. You could be looking at illegal underage bukkake porn and not even know it. Your credit card details are probably being stolen as we speak. Quick - stop thinking about them! Even thinking about money while at the computer is enough to have them stolen by the worst kind of scum: online criminal paedophiles and automatic credit-card-detail-stealing robots - with a grudge against their human masters. That's just how clever these "fishing" websites are.
But who is Chris Morris? The real Chris Morris, I mean. And can we trust a man who talks about himself in the third person? Or any kind of person, for that matter? Tonight, we try to answer these questions once and for all. Cue exciting opening graphics!
edit Early Career
On tonight's show, we look at a television programme so funny that people are apparently dying of laughter, and asking the question: "can comedy sometimes be too funny?"
Morris burst on to our screens in the mid-90s like a human cannonball fired at a fine sheet of glass. Appearing seemingly out of nowhere, his shows The Day Today and Brass Eye were immediately popular with the British public.... Suspicious? Yes, it was. But the populace was hooked like a drug addicted fish on a line covered in drugs.
But should such fatally amusing programming be allowed? Just ask Jeff Pogrom, a man who, while watching one of Morris' sketches, laughed so hard his head literally fell off.
"It's terrible," says Jeff. "One minute I was a normal man with a normal head, enjoying that new Brass Eye show, and the next it just fell off. I can't do any of my favourite things any more, I can't talk or shout or yawn or sing or blow or yodel or snore. It's the kids I worry about, really. Will I still be able to be a good dad even though I'm essentially just a head now... Or just a body, depending on how you look at it."
So does Jeff Pogrom think such hilarious comedy should be banned? We didn't ask him, but are almost certain that he does. And what about Morris himself? What does he think about this? You haven't got a clue, have you? Fortunately for you pig-ignorant wasters, roving reporter Chris Morris interviewed him earlier today.
So Chris, you're a satirist, you deal with satire, is that right?
Yes that's right Chris.
I thought so. For those of you at home who don't know, a satire is a kind of pipe playing deity from Greek Mythology.
No that's wrong, you're thinking of a satyr.
Right, so what is it you do?
Right, comedy about satyr, gotcha.
No, comedy about -
Tell us a good joke about satyr then.
I've got one.
Go on then.
Why did the satyr cross the road?
I don't know.
To escape Zeus who was trying to rape him... ... ... you're not laughing?
Well I didn't think it was very -
Tell me, are they dangerous these satyr?
Um... I don't -
Could they kill a man, do you think?
Err, yes. I would think so.
They could kill a man, that's what you're saying?
Jesus. And do you think this is a problem the British public should be aware of?
Err, yes I think it probably is.
Would you do a little spot for us? Just look at the camera and warn the public about the dangers of satire?
This camera here?
That's the one.
edit A Good Cause
Hi, this is Chris Morris here. You may be thinking that comedy is all fun and games, but it isn't. It can be very dangerous. I'm here to tell you all about the dangers of satire. Satire can be fatal, and kills over one British person every year. Many of the deaths aren't even recorded because the police "can't be bothered". I think this is really terrible and I'm sure you agree, so that is why I'm asking you - the British public - to give a hoot about comedy. Please...
edit Later Work
In the noughties, Morris starred in average-mainstream comedy The IT Crowd, and penned another social satire; Nathan Barley along with fellow reprobate and misery-guts Charlie Brooker. The show was a slap to the face of British comedy, and a pickaxe to the testicles of Good Taste. Although this reporter hasn't seen the programmes in question, I can promise you that they are unrelentingly obscene and purposefully offensive. To you. Personally.
Cut to 2010. Morris is seen directing a feature film, Four Lions, allegedly a comedy about suicide bombers. Eyewitness accounts can confirm that the comedian has been liaising with suspected foreigners - not to mention several known Arab gentlemen - all apparently under the guise of doing "research" for his supposed film. The very next day, a man in Hartlepool is killed by an exploding toaster. Coincidence? We'll let you decide, but if you think it isn't you must be some kind of retarded zombie.
British comedy has reached the point of no return, but you try telling that to any of these brain-dead broadcasters. You'd have a better chance of jizzing on the Queen. All this points to the fact that Britain is in a bad way. This once mighty nation is ill, rotted to its very foundation by crime, drugs and uncaring media satirists. It begs the question: Can we cure it? Or is it time to put it out of its misery, like a rabid, three-legged dog covered in its own faeces?
edit We Interrupt this Article for a Special Bulletin
Television personality Chris Morris was murdered last night in his home in Northampton. Morris, 49, was gunned down by Alan Partridge star Steve Coogan, who was invited into Morris' house under the pretense of bringing over a lasagne his wife had baked. Coogan then opened fire on his friend and co-star with an M2 Flamethrower as he warmed the lasagne up in the microwave. Police have since cordoned off the country home, with Police Chief Randy Handler promising to capture the renegade comedian "through any means necessary." When asked if Coogan was still inside the building, Handler jokingly replied "Aha!!" Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke out on the tragedy, explaining that if Morris had any family or friends, he would have offered his condolences to them, and described the deceased as "a national treasure who will be sorely missed." A further report will follow our usual scheduled programme.