Chris Barnes (musician)

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Chris Barnes
Thong Barnes
Date of birth: 20 April, 1961
Place of birth: Havana, Cuba
Nationality: Puerto Rican-Jamaican mutt
Known for Getting kicked out of Cannibal Corpse, being the best death metal vocalist, smoking a lot of weed you can't afford
Occupation pothead
“This is good weed,like really good shit my friend,holy fuck this is some good shit,GODAMN!”
~ Chris Barnes On World Peace
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Chris Barnes (musician).

Chris Barnes is a Floridian (although it is believed by some experts that he is actually a Puerto Rican/Jamaican mutt) cookie monster who, through constant abuse of Marijuana, morphed into a hideous human with dreadlocks. He was once the singer for the flower metal band Cannibal Corpse, but was kicked out after eating bassist Alex Webster's cookies. After which, he created the pop band, Six Feet Under, claiming a spot in the pinnacle of sell-outery along with his dreadlocked friend from Brazil, Max Cavalera. He invented the growling style known as the Cookie Monster vocals, however he stole the idea of the style minutes after it was theorized by Sigmund Freud, in an attempt to understand human mating calls.

Barnes is proud to share a birthday with Hitler.

History

Dreadlock overdose

I did weed and all I got were these lousy dreadlocks.

Chris Barnes was born to Puerto Rican Jennifer Lopez and Jamaican Bob Marley on April 20th, 1961 at 4:20 PM in a barn by the bay in Havana, Cuba. They later moved to Vice City, Florida after Fidel Castro outlawed both marijuana and cookies. To pay for bills, Chris Barnes became a child movie star and starred in the original Bad News Bears, where he was molested by Billy Ray Cyrus, who played an audience member. The movie was later edited, and they replaced Chris Barnes with a human child, as a cookie monster would not be very appealing to the grue audience. Now seeing him as unfit, his parents threw him out of the house and forced him to look for a job. Chris Barnes then became depressed, and started smoking weed in 1990, two years after he founded his first band, Cannibal Corpse. They were a flower metal band talking about peace and love and ending world famine with cookies. The band was very famous with the Sesame Street audience because of the band's idolatry of the cookie.

After the release of 4 very successful albums, Chris Barnes was kicked out of Cannibal Corpse after he ate Alex Webster's (the band's bassist) cookies. That, and he usually overdosed on weed. He was later replaced by the far superior (others might say inferior) singer, George "CookieStealer" Fisher. (He got the nickname from breaking into Chris Barnes house and takeing his cookies and yealing "Im the CookieStealer, Bitch" and then he wrote a thank you note for the cookies, prior to his joining the band.) After being quite disgraced after being booted out, he formed the pop band, Six Feet Under, which mostly sang about hippy-style peace and love. He originally wanted it to be called "The William H. Macy Parade Of Joy", but changed his mind in exchange for a bag of Oreos. This was when his body started to mutate. The years of smoking pot had slowly changed his appearance, genetic material, and physical structure and by 2005, he became a dreadlocked humanoid with no speck of cookie monster left in him. To everyone's dismay, Barnes was named People magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" and was featured on the cover of their April 2019 issue. This is highly believed to have been a rigged article. Many believe that the culprit was Barnes' 89-year-old mother.

Infamous Run-in with Seth "I'm So Fucking Offensive" Putnam

There is a feud that Chris Barnes has with the wizard Seth Putnam that he desperately tries to forget. It all started in 1996 at a Six Feet Under show in Boston, Massachusetts. Seth Putnam was handing out fliers advertising that he was looking for a new drummer for his über-offensive band, Butt Vagina. It was then that Chris Barnes arrived and started pestering Seth as to his business. Seth tried to calmly explain to him that he was simply looking for a bongo player, but Chris, in a weed-induced brain fart, dispatched his roadies to beat Seth up and toss him out. Seth, outraged that Barnes would dishonor him like that, sent a message boy to Six Feet Under's tour bus, demanding an honorable fight. The boy never returned; instead he got trapped in the tour bus and was forced to give the roadies blow jobs.

To this day, Seth Putnam is still awaiting an honorable fight from Chris Barnes, and even wrote the song "Chris Barnes is A Pussy" to provoke him into fighting. By not taking responsibility and participating in an honorable fight, Seth has only proven his point.

Discography

Here is a list of albums on which Chris Barnes has appeared:

Albums he has appeared on with Cannibal Corpse

  • Eating Cookies to Come Back to Life - (1990)
  • Fed Cookies at Birth - (1991)
  • Tomb Of The Cookie - (1992)
  • The Bleeding Cookie - (1994)
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