Chocolate
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Chocolate was created from magic beans by Myaztec Inc. The magic beans were ground and mixed with mud to produce a bitter, disgusting beverage which the natives, having had their tastebuds permanently dulled from constantly snorting a magical white powder which they also discovered, drank anyway with no problem. The men were particularly happy with the beverage because it made their women somewhat less unpleasant during the time of the month which they refered to as "The time when women are no longer women, but unholy wretched devil beasts." The word "chocolate" comes from the Swiss German word meaning "orgasm in the mouth". Many people do not know the fact that chocolate is actually made from goats poo and people.
[edit] The History of Chocolate
Contrary to popular belief chocolate was not first refined by Willy Wonka, Hershey, or Nestle. It's necessary additives are mined on the distant celestial bodies of Europa and IO by the people of Emma Cable and were first combined with magic chocolate beans by a mad degenerate European professor whose name shall not be mentioned.
Refined chocolate is irresistibly delicious, but can prove fatal.
[edit] Chocolate as money
Chocolate serves as currency for exchange of goods in the Happy Land of the Gumball Tree. Many Gumballer complained about this currency that melted in their hands, not in their mouth. However, upon the introduction of the M&M coin the Happy Land of the Gumball Tree was happy once more. At least, until the Plain or Peanut War swept the country and left tens of thousands of Gumballers dead, maimed, or in severe need of a dentifrice.
President Clinton was much criticized for his failure to send in troops to stop the Gumball genocide, but then, he had a piece of candy of his own in the office that he was working on at the time.
[edit] Chocolate as paving
The Autobahn in Germany is completely coated with rich, creamy chocolate. The bot stops are made from gum drops. And the center divider? Cocoa wafers. Yum.
It is also rumored that Willy Wonka was able to build an entire fortress made of chocolate in the desert (a dessert in the desert, interesting), but anthropological excavations have revealed nothing but puddles of chocolate mixed with sand. Yuck.
It was customary in India to pave highways with Bournville Chocolate until the early 1970s when it was deemed the cost of replacing eaten roads too high.
[edit] Chocolate as snack for fat he-shes
The island of overweight Amazon hermaphrodites, Belgium, has built up a racial immunity to the poisonous snack and it makes up a great deal of their diet. Their mothers are also overgrown apes who eat the other kind of bananas. Preferably covered in ...
However, some other, rather more stubborn countries, refuse to adapt into a way that would generally be deemed acceptable by native chocolate eaters. A perfect example of this is, obviously, the U.S.A. The U.S.A, recognised across the rest of the world as 'The beautiful land of the arrogant obeseties', has no doubt taken the discovery of Chocolate by storm. Writing books about it, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, creating films, Blood and Chocolate, and in some cases openly worshipping it, as was discovered people were doing after the discovery of the Magnum Equador.
This country has, in traditional glory, refused to change to a become a better more modern race, and thus has refused to adapt their eating habits and excersize habits to accommodate the impending deliciousness of chocolate and other sugary treats. Thus, it's people became obese, lazy and extremely unhealthy citizens.
No doubt people have questioned whether to cut of sanctions of chocolate to the U.S, but after a satellite picture revealed that the U.S had become a black hole for chocolate, a fear was created that should it be restricted, the people would spontaneously combust, covering the rest of us in large, bloody, amounts of fat.
[edit] Chocolate as a drug
It is widely believed that chocolate is a drug, but this is of course false. Chocolate is required for normal human function. Without chocolate, the entire female population would suffer from 24/7 PMS. This would result in the vast majority of the male population either being brutally murdered or committing suicide, to avoid being brutally murdered by hordes of semi-sane females in the hope that they may contain traces of chocolate. If the disappearance of chocolate occurs at the same time as a shortage of caffine, the world will definitely implode. Chocolate is the greatest invention by a man for a woman, since if a man is being attacked by a woman during PMS or "Bitchzilla", he can throw a bar of chocolate in the opposite direction and the woman will chase after it, giving the lucky man time to escape.
Also, contrary to Popular Belief, you can snort chocolate. To do so, grind it into a powder like substance, then place on a small mirror. Bring nose close to the mirror with ground chocolate on it and put index finger over one nostril. Now, while making a loud sucking nose, breathe in through open nostril and inhale chocolate.
[edit] Chocolate as a means of communication
When used as a phone, chocolate becomes the hottest thing ever to make calls. Phones made of chocolate are found most often in the hands of teenagers and 20-somethings who aren't emo conformists
Chocolate also has a capabilty to play music...just not MP3s. This is because they insist you first convert your music to WMA and sync with Windows Media Player. When asked by Mac users why this is so, they responded "Why do you care? You got your melting iPhone. If you're gonna be a bitch about it, why don't you just go over There."
[edit] Chocolate Cookies
Though thought to provide an extra choconess to boring circular disks of compact breadcrumbs, the chocolate cookie was actually designed to hide the fact that it really was a biscuit. The chocolate does not serve for the purpose of flavour, but for disguise. The main purpose of this was to trick devoted chocoholics into eating other food by hiding the evidence of biscuit presence and leading them to believe that they were looking at a small choco-frisbee, of which they would not be able to resist. These types of cookies are now commonly known as digestives, only because a previous attempt was deemed ‘indigestible’.
There is also the type of cookie that is coated in chocolate. This type will use a wrapper as well as the chocolate for extra protection of the cookie within. These cookies are usually accompanied by the name of a flightless bird (flightless unless you are talking about the Peruvian Penguin) or by a combination of words, e.g. Twat + Stix = Twix. It has been said that chocolate cookies are decreasing in size, but this is false, as it is in fact the chocoholics that are becoming larger.
[edit] Chocolate around the World
[edit] Chocolate in Switzerland
In Switzerland every left-handed citizen takes mandatory training in producing chocolate. The whole country fed on Schoggi in World War XI.
[edit] Chocolate in Japan
The Japanese have made radical innovative changes to their chocolate, as they have done with all things they get from the West. Japanese chocolate is known for being twice as sweet as regular chocolate, and taking up only one third of the space, and being able to spend long hours cramped in small places with other Japanese chocolates (this is believed to be because of all the whale meat in it). However, all Westerners should avoid Japanese chocolate, as it causes them to become fans of anime and scream "Banzai!" while running into things.
[edit] Chocolate as band-aids (or groupies)
Chocolate has been used for yonks and yonks as a suitable replacement for groupies of all kinds (or Band-aids). Directions for use: melt chocolate in your pleasantly surprising microwave and then apply non-sparingly to the infected part of your molecular makeup. Allow to dry and then simply lick off. DO NOT hesitate to use as a glue stick as well. It works in the same way. DO NOT forget to try and LICK YOUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOUR'S Belly-Button!
[edit] Other Chocolates
The main chocolate was found by Europans, but...well...what about Cocoa? Cocoa was found on the planet Nestle (nest-lee). Cocaranum (translates to Cocoa in human lang.) can exist as a solid, liquid, and also, but rarely, a gas. This is used to make chocolate milk. Mars bar was made in Nestle and from this was produced the warm, smooth drink Chocamento from the Klix vending machines. White chocolate is a fairly new chocolate invented by nazi's during world war 2 as a means to show their racial superiority ... unfortunantly this chocolate tasted like your mom's cooking , and like the schwiepen plan , was abolished. Also at the same time a different type of white chocolate was invented by black african nations so that they do not bite their fingers by accident everytime they eat chocolate.It is intresting to know that white chocolate is also a term used to describe white people trying to act black. aka. chris the gangsta :)
Nestlians found that by adding Caramellium (translates to "caramel" on Earth) makes the chocolate taste much better. They made it, and shipped it to Earth.
[edit] Ingredients
- Chocalate (Chocolate) (Very important mineral on Europa)
- Cocaranum (Cocoa) (Rich mineral on Nestle)
- Marsmellows (Marshmellows) (A rare element (Ms) found on Mars in 2201)
- Caramellium (Caramel) (Abundant, liquid mineral on Nestle, Aldebr'aan, and Sierrava)
- Glass and a half of Orangus Juicus (Liquid received from Australian endangered Albino Bananas, discovered by that guy over there.)
- Soylent Green
- Whippilus Creamus (Whipped Cream) (discovered by Harvey Columbo, who discovered 103 uses for whipped cream, most notably the treatment of testicle/scrotum infections, which is commony recognized in the field of medicine)
[edit] Brewing it
First take the Minerals and mix it out with a cup sand
Smash Cocaranum and sniff it in your nose
Put Marsmellows up onto your ass
Put Caramellium in your Anus
Put Organgus Juicus in your vagiana (IF you not got vagiana , go and get your moms vagiana)
Mix all the other onto your ass when try to lick it out
[edit] Humorous ways of misspelling chocolate
Choclet, choke, coke, choclit, choclute, Cokdik, chuclut, chuglit, choglut, CUCK, choglet, choglit, chucklet, choglud, chuglid, choclot, chuglut, chucklit, milky shit squares, choglert, chocklid, chochlud, duck, choklut, chuglet, chocklate, chacklet, choclert, chuglute, choglerd, chocklit, AAAAAAAAA!, chockled, beer, hans, chachlit, chorglet, charglit, chiclet, chodelick and Richard Simmons are the 35 funniest ways in the world of (mis)spelling the word "chocalate" (in no particular order). cuckolick Sex DOG
[edit] See also
- Bournville
- Chocology
- Where chocolate really came from!
- Count Chocula
- Heaven
- Sweden
- Hershey
- Kit Kat Bar
- Twix
- Nestle
- Yowie
- Chocolate Makers
- Green Chocolate
- The Land of Chocolate
- Chocolicousistic
- HowTo:Eat a Twix
- Box of chocolate
- Galaxy
- Wonder Ball
| Big Candy |
| Peddlers |
| Willy Wonka • Chester Cheetah • Godiva • Ben & Jerry's • Reese Witherspoon • Chocolate Zim • Laura Secord • Hersheys |
| Confections |
| Reese's Peanut Butter Cup • Hershey's Jesii and Creme • Kit Kat Bar • Airplane peanuts • Bon-bons • Bubble gum • Cheetos • Chips |
| Jelly beans * Popcorn * Pretzel * Skittles * Twinkies * Snickers * Pez * Wonder Ball |
