Chiropractic

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 01:22, November 9, 2010 by 99.226.48.34 (talk)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
Medical-malpractice

Your General Practitioner, your Orthopedic Surgeon, your Opthamologist, your Optometrist, your Dentist, your Podiatrist, your Proctologist, your Urologist, your Gynocologist, your Scatologist, your Numerologist, and so on: throw them all away! Your friendly neighborhood Chiropractor does it all!

Chiropractic Medicine is a study and the cure of things in the spine called sublucsations. It treats all possible illnesses, from heart disease to cancer. No one needs to spend expensive money on drugs or supplements when they can have their spinal chords twisted the exact same way every time they visit regardless of what hurts or ails them.

edit Doctors???????????????

Chiropratic school is a college degree, not university. And why do they repeat all the time that they are doctors?

edit History of Chiropractic

Chiropractic as we know it today was founded in 1895 by a semiliterate bee-keeper turned witch-doctor by the name of D.D. Palmer. "Palmer" was not a name he was born with. Rather, it was a nickname bestowed upon him during his tenure as the guy who scoops the solidifying hunks of sperm out of the water at a gay bathhouse, where he became known for his superior palm jobs. The name stuck.

Palmer stated in a non-peer-reviewed publication that only printed complete tripe that his motivation to found chiropractic was his observation that allopathic medicine just wasn't gay enough. Thus, he devised a system of sensual massage, to which he applied the catchy euphemism "spinal manipulation". The central idea of his theory of wellness was this: "If you start to feel sick, even just a little tiny bit, take your shirt off and let another dude start rubbing on you. It will make you feel awesome, I promise. And hey, if it doesn't make you feel better, at least it will make me feel better." The first college of chiropractic, The Fireman's Pole, was opened in 1901 on Fire Island, NY, and still offers a relaxed, tolerant atmosphere, a well-stocked bar with the fastest, cutest bartenders, and a 24/7 DJ who spins only the best new and classic dance tracks.

edit Subcluc... Subleukesi... Sublucsaliv...

Subluxations are where two bones of the spine start to crush the nerve in between them cutting of the link to the part of the body the nerve controls. This can often result in back pain, headaches, cerebral hemhoraging, liver disease, athersclerosis, encephelomyalitis, Visovegal sincope, Trickinosis, Explosive Diahrea, Peridonidis, and a whole bunch of other things with big word names I can't spell.

edit Techniques

Unlike Allopathic Doctors, who are prone to giving you mercury compounds and leeches for every ailment, Chiropractic Doctors have a wide array of non-toxic methods of treatment.

AilmentTreatment
Back InjurySpinal Manipulation
Muscle PainsSpinal Manipulation
HeadacheSpinal Manipulation
Chest PainSpinal Manipulation
IndigestionSpinal Manipulation
TumorsSpinal Manipulation
AppendicitisSpinal Manipulation
StrokeSpinal Manipulation
Bill CollectorsSpinal Manipulation

edit Other Procedures

Though they are best known for performing miraculous spinal manipulations, the second most common chiropractic procedure is believed to be as effective or even more effective. This procedure is known in technical circles as a straight-up jack, and it entails removing all of the heavy currency from your billfold, thus alleviating a weight imbalance on your right buttock. A heavy, cash-filled wallet tugging on the buttock pulls the right side of the pelvis down, which in turn throws the lumbar vertebrae into painful misalignment.

edit History

Often imprisoned for suggesting that mercury and leeches might not be good for you, they fought a hard-won battle against medical greed and laziness to provide an alternate means for people to be lazy in their greedy search for sick people's money.

edit Support Your Local Chiropractor

If you see a chiropractor in town, give his office a visit and you will see what it is like to rarely get sick and possibly cure more serious diseases that others cannot touch, including a few no one has ever heard of before.

Able to leap tall buildings, stop murderously misguided busss in their tracks, and file complicated tax returns, your Chiropractor can really save your day!


This heading could also be appropriately titled, "Support Your Local Chiropractor's Bank Account," as the chiropractor's main area of expertise appears to be manipulating insurance companies and unsuspecting patients out of their money and ensuring patients' repeated deposits to their bank accounts.


It may be true that a Chiropractor is manipulating the spine; however, it is your body that is facilitating the true healing and not the hands of the Chiropractor. Anyone that is claiming "I can cure you" should be avoided, as it is only your body doing what it is only naturally attempting to do, with this person's assistance and the force of undisprovable, supernatural entities.

edit See also

Chiromancy

Personal tools
In other languages
projects