From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Chinese Chess (Simplified Chinese:中国大象踩人棋, Traditional Chinese: 中國大象踩人棋 ) or Elephant Chess is a popular game in China where you get to pwn people with circular pieces of wood with scribbles on them. Instead of capturing pieces like in chess, you can eat them.
In 4th century B.C. there was a crazy old and senile guy named Meng Changjun(梦常菌) with 3000 roommates living in his home. One day one of the roommates brought in an elephant, and the elephant stomped on everyone and killed about 1000 people. So he thought that if an elephant could do so much damage, why doesn't he just help his country,Shine(照), defeat their enemy country ,Light(轻). So he designed a huge arena with cars and ponies to plan on how to defeat Light. If the hermaphrodite general of the team is unable to move while under attack, the other team wins. So he had a big ambition to destroy Light, but in the end, Shine still got pwned by Light.
Chinese Chess is a game played by 14 people, out of the fourteen, only two people are actually playing, 10 are cheerleaders, 1 cleans up the spit, 1 cleans up the pieces after someone uses WTF I Don't Care OMG Let's Just Be Cheap(see Famous strategies).
Two teams of 16 play: Bloody Red and Ah It's So Black I Can't See. Bloody red ALWAYS goes first, no exceptions. Ah it's so black i can't see usually gets pwned by bloody red one move before bloody red gets owned because bloody red goes first. Unless ah it's so black i can't see uses WTF I Don't Care OMG Let's Just Be Cheap and gets lucky.
Under attack: THG will be killed next turn if it doesn't move or some other piece doesn't protect it or if it doesn't eat the attacking piece.
Stalemate: If THG (see The Pieces) is not under attack but can't move or else under attack, it is a stalemate and the two players have a fight to death to decide who wins. In the history of Chinese Chess, about 160,000 people have died due to stalemate. A change of rules was made in 1993, with a game-deciding fight only to get the opponent mortally wounded, but not dead. This way, many lives will be saved. But another problem occurred in 1994, with hospitals exploding because it couldn't hold enough patients. Deaths still occurred after the explosions, the government banned stalemate from the game. If there was to be a stalemate, the THG may duplicate and one of them will be sacrificed in order to avoid the stalemate or get checkmated instead.
Checkmate: If THG is under attack and can't move anywhere else, it is checkmate and the other team wins, the player that wins gets to force the other player to slap himself/herself once.
Touch-move: If a player touches another player during a match, he/she must move out of the game (forfeit), or the other player can charge sexual harassment on the player.
Fifty moves: If a player does a touch and moves out of the game 50 times in his/her life, he/she will be banned from playing the game for 50 seconds and will be forced to slap himself/herself 50 times.
No bitching is allowed!!!
edit The River
There is a river where certain pieces can't cross because they're too fat and rotund. This is an extreme problem because all of the pieces are too fat and the river runs all the way across the board. Also since the pieces are too fat, and have too big of a gravity field, you cannot shoot anyone with the Gun. Also the 100 kph car cannot possibly float on water, and it sinks.
edit The pieces
Car - can go around at 100km/hr pwning random people, may result in pain, emoness, craziness, and sudden urge to drink paint.
Pony - can go around in circles getting owned by the car. Pretty much the only ability it has is attracting female pieces by trying to be cute, but sadly, there are no female pieces.
Gun - can shoot other pieces with bullets made out of spit, inflicts (666x10+2)11+969763456 dmg!!!!!!!!!, also makes the opponent unable to touch his/her pieces, a loss by default.
Pwnsor - this piece definitely doesn't live up to its name, all it does is getting owned by the car and riding the pony.
Elephant - this piece is probably one of the few pieces that don't actually get owned by the car. It's immense mass can attract the car towards it and make it orbit around it.
The Hermaphrodite's Ugly Guards(or THUG) - these pieces are to protect THG(The Hermaphrodite General) at all costs. Even if their chocolate get's stolen and they have to get it back!
The Hermaphrodite General(or THG) - this piece is supposed to be the pillar of the team, if this goes down, BOOM, loss. This particular piece is also half female, therefore there is a 50% chance of being attracted by a pony. So if a pony casts a cute charm on it, flip a coin to determine whether it would be attracted or not. If it is attracted then it destroyed with the force of an atomic bomb, and thus destroyed along with all other peices on the board, resulting in a draw. If it is not attracted then you can lick the other person's peices.
edit Famous strategies
Sing The Llama song - causes the opponent to have a migraine, he/she will forfeit.
Pwnsor Riding Pony With Gun - long range for spit, higher location for sightseeing.
Polluting The River - the gun spitting in the river, inflicts a googol dmg to any piece that crosses the river, super effective against car.
WTF I Don't Care OMG Let's Just Be Cheap - lift the board up and throw it on the ground, 50% chance that the opponent's pieces will get pwned first.
Lick All Your Pieces - when the opponent eats your piece, he/she must have some physical contact with the piece, wood and saliva make a chemical reaction and creates oxymoron. Opponent may get idiocy and spread to many people. This strategy is first developed by Lickitung in 1999, it was banned quickly after in 2000.
Distract & Steal - quickly yell "Hey what's that?", when the opponent looks back, take away his/her cars and guns, after he/she loses her most powerful pieces, he/she will forfeit the game. Statistics have shown that no one has fallen for that trick since 1997 except for the cookie monster.