Chilliwack, British Columbia
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“I want this muthafuckin' Chilliwack outta this muthafuckin' country. ”
“Chilliwack? Sounds delightful and sunny! ”
“Chilliwack. Not as scary as Surrey. Yet. ”
“Gone Gone Gone So Long ”
Chilliwack consists of 60,000 or so people. It is mostly a farming town located in the Fraser Valley, near Vancouver but not near enough to actually be convenient for anyone.
Chilliwack has few imports. They include: Asian tour buses, pavement, car commercials, university students, and low-life trash that no other city wants. This includes North American Indians. The local economy is also stimulated by wrecks recovered from highway crashes, and the weekly collection of highway tire rubber by teams of highly trained Chilliwack teens. Recent industrial innovation unique to Chilliwack includes the harvesting of commercial-grade methane from human and animal farts, using a complex and advanced production process known in the oil & gas industry as "the Dutch oven".
Chilliwack is unique amongst Canadian municipalities, being the only one in the country not to have its own dump. Instead, it relies on an ingenious recycling process that leverages civic pride with common sense. Householders dump their domestic and yard waste in one area, located at the foot of Vedder Mountain. Local citizens regularly gather to sift through the debris, collecting beer bottles, cans, and other precious gems. The rest of the waste is either sold for scrap value to natives or used as landfill in Sardis's upscale residential developments. Chilliwack has it's own currency, known as the 'Wack Guilder. One Guilder is equivalent to the price of a single can of Budweiser, and the exchange rate is closely monitored down at City Hall by a dedicated team of 12 people. The City of Chilliwack sponsored a green initiative in 2011, providing funds to implement a glass recycling program. Itinerants collected glass bottles from the streets, garbage bins, and people's homes in exchange for McDonalds food vouchers. The recycled glass is used to manufacture bongs and glass pipes. This innovative operation created regular part time employment for at least two local natives and gives a warm dry place for dozens of others to linger. Notably, the city leads the nation in online marketing scams, and sales of dubious quality health products. Both of these valuable industries help prevent the employment rate from slipping above 30%.
Tourism plays a large part in Chilliwack life, the renowned Cultus Lake being quite close to town. Chilliwack is the home to many media reports of sasquatch sightings. Sasquatch hunting and sightseeing tours play a big part in the local economy, accounting for up to 2% of Chilliwack GDP and offering local itinerants season-round employment opportunities as guides, drivers, and often acting as sasquatch themselves. Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are regular visitors during peak hunting season, although Stallone was involved in a life threatening tussle with a female sasquatch in 2005 when he got too close to her infant, an incident which shattered his confidence and took him 5 years to recover from before returning to Chilliwack for the 2011 season where he led a party of retired Arizonans on a hunt, going on an expedition 3km deep into the remote Coast Mountain rainforest.
The biggest employer in Chilliwack is Pinkbike.com, an extreme sports website, whose Railway Avenue offices rival anything found in Manhattan for opulence and upscale designer chic. Pinkbike.com has created a burgeoning global career for local boy Mike Levy, Canada's pre-eminent extreme sports expert, who receives fan mail by the bucket local from dedicated 13 year old boys. His online videos are watched by millions of adoring young fans across the world, and he has been cited as a role model for Canadians by Stephen Harper. Local paparazzi from the Chilliwack Times allege that he is currently dating starlet Miley Cycrus, but the couple have remarkably never been spotted together in public. Levy is reported to own a luxurious holiday chalet at remote Chilliwack Lake which boasts satellite TV and a propane heater.
Chilliwack is colloquially and affectionally known as "The Wack". Maybe because it is a wacky place, the people are whacked out on crack, or just much easier to spell and pronounce "The Wack" than "Chilliwack". In Chilliwack, "I" is pronounced as an "a", but only when it is the second "I" in a word, in a month ending in "Y", or on Tuesdays. The majority of the population is of Dutch descent, and are affectionally known as "Dutchie assholes". The local population keeps itself entertained by activities such as garbage dumping on Vedder Mountain, begging, drug dealing, and stealing ATV's and agricultural equipment. Weekend tractor races amuse the youth of Chilliwack. There is no local newspaper, as the level of illiteracy is so high among the adult population. Chilliwack is officially bilingual - Dutch and English being the two spoken languages. Electricity came to town in 1984 but so far only a minority of homes have taken up a connection to the power grid. Chilliwack has the highest percentage of electrical supply by-passes per capita (even higher than Kelowna). The people of Chilliwack are still waiting for gas to be connected, and currently survive through the burning of freshly cut green trees, tires, and parts from rusty trucks.
The area is located 600 feet below sea level which is why it is always flooded. A good reason for most of the population with an IQ above 54 to live high up on the hills above town. Despite the lush terrain, high level of precipitation, and other positive factors, local agriculturalists have never experimented with rice farming, fearing an influx of Chinese low paid farm workers, and preferring to focus on a diverse range of familiar fresh produce such as beets, turnips, or organic cabbage - or indoor crops such as marijuana. The average temperature in Chilliwack ranges from unbearably hot and sweaty, down to freezing cold and damp, and is often at either extreme or even in the middle sometimes.
Areas of Chilliwack
Although Chilliwack only has 2500 legitimate taxpayers, it consists of many areas.
Sardis' People in Sardis believe themselves to be better than everyone else because some of them have rich neighbors. They are arrogant and stuck up. Even though they think they are better, they just have to be reminded that they live in Chilliwack. That usually shuts them up. Though Dale still thinks its pretty nice.
Promontory Fuck. These people are worse than Sardis. Promontory is a new development area on Promontory hill. These are newer houses of usually poor quality, containing a high percentage of paper and fibreboard. Promontory homes usually contain basement cracks, cracks in their concrete driveways, split siding, misaligned doors, and peculiarly aligned windows, demonstrating the high quality of these upscale homes. These homes are also unusually adorned with peculiar garden ornaments, reflecting the good taste and subtlety of their occupants. These people typically have 1-3 children, one of which drive a Honda prelude, and they themselves drive a Toyota Echo and an SUV. They call their community "Prompton", to sound better than everyone else, but this name was obviously created by wine drinking stay at home lazy moms, because the word Prompton is more closely associated with Compton, rather than the Hamptons which is the goal of the name. Many Promontory people dabble with cocaine in an effort to appear "upmarket" and sophisticated. Cocaine is only available from Abbotsford, another similar Fraser Valley hamlet, making the trip there and back in a leased SUV an exciting day out for all the family.
Vedder This is also known as the shitstain of Chilliwack. Almost the entire area is owned by Indians, and is rented to "the white man". This, in Canada, is called equality. It is home to many outdoor pursuits such as tree-felling, ATV-racing, helmet-less dirtbike enduro races, truck-burning and other local entertainment. A complex network of mountain bike and hiking trails make the disposal of dead bodies and household pets a much easier task. The access road was recently washed out in terrible rainstorms, and the resulting remedial work kept locals busy for months trying to manually repair the damage. It took the assistance of a visitor from Vancouver to suggest the use of shovels as a means to speed up the work, and the locals were said to be very grateful for this advice.
Chilliwack Mountain Chilliwack Mountain used to be home to the rich and famous of Chilliwack, aka the doctors and the town's only part-time dentist. Now, with more affordable and sensible 40 year mortgages, the common folk are moving in. The new subdivisions are named after the trees that used to be there but which were lost due to an influx of beavers. This is because the residents can't tell the difference between a tree and a street sign. Chilliwack Mountain can be seen from space and has the potential to be a bigger global tourism site than the Great Wall of China.
Rosedale a.k.a. the Netherlands. The home of the Dutch flower farmers. Rosedale is a beautiful & sleepy farmland which belies a dark underbelly of farmdaughter-trading.
Yarrow About as much information will be provided here as things that are in Yarrow. Yarrow is home to the infamous blinking light which hovers above one of Yarrow's two crosswalks. Yarrow also has a pizza shop, though some argue whether the pepperoni is real or simply sliced up Surrey throw aways. Rumor has it that it is the only place in the world where a gas station, liquor store and taco time share the same small building, and owners.... and workers. Yarrow is the closest part of Chilliwack to the US border, and would have been part of the USA if it wasn't quite so remote and useless. The US Congress voted against annexing Yarrow in 2007.
University College of the Fraser Valley
Chilliwack is also home to UCFV, also known as the University of Christianity and Fictitious Values. This pseudo school is in fact a drug and prostitute cartel. It is shared between 5 towns in B.C. The King of UCFV is "Skip" Bassford, who is famous for running over students in his Volvo S70 and for doing cocaine off of every new students' breasts (male and female-this man is gender blind). Student ages range from 18-94. Every Wednesday at UCFV, there is a gathering of Students to try to improve the school. This usually lasts 15 minutes, and then everyone breaks down into group sex.
One of the more popular courses on offer to students is the two-year Technical Diploma in Marijuana Grow Operations. This education guarantees a high ratio of work placement for graduates, and it has proven to be worth the investment with a good return on cost. Students are also trained in effective ways to dispose of grow-op material in culverts, drains, and fields. Grotesquely deformed hobbling local children can often be seen rummaging through grow-op residue at weekends, searching for valuable reusable plastic pipe and to gather compost.
Other courses include farming, agriculture, farming, fieldwork, and farming. And advanced farming.
Chilliwack is renowned for wild town hall meetings where they discuss everything from putting up a second stop sign to importing more Surreyites. Because it's not really good for anything else, Chilliwack hosts an annual ritual gathering where strange people come to gather. The locals call it a "rave". And here they perform these mating dances in courtship of the female and sometimes when the male is successful they mate, and if not then an effective technique known as rape is used.
Downtown Chilliwack positively thrives on a summer weekend, with the hustle and bustle of 25 extra people in town, local upmarket hotels such as The Royal struggle to cope with the extra demand for lodging. People are often forced to find alternative accommodation, sleeping in the back alleys behind stores, in dumpsters, or by breaking into parked cars to find warmth and shelter.
The downtown core competes with other buzzing areas such as Sardis, with The Farmers pub being a hotbed of social activity. This thriving upscale metropolis attracts locals to disco nights, prize raffles, and weekday menu specials. The pub parking lot is often crammed to half full with a variety of ageing Ford trucks and other curious mobile shebangs. Underage youth often hang around the complex, playing fun games such as steal-from-the-liquor-store, and drunk-mugging. Bets are often placed on who can steal the most cans of Kokanee, with the winner earning respect from their peer group.
One cannot discuss Chilliwack without mentioning its stench. There have been rumours circulating for decades that chemical additives are aded to the effluent in order to attract people from the highway so they stop in Chilliwack. This effort to boost the local economy has resulted in an extra 500 people visiting the town over the past ten years, and at least ten people have stopped over for more than ten minutes. Chilliwack is considered to be the worst-smelling city in Canada (even worse than Kamloops) and possibly the world. Nothing can compare. As soon as you step inside the town, the scent of dung overpowers you. It smells like shit. Everywhere. All the time. Prolonged exposure to this stench will drive you insane. It boggles the mind as to how the citizen's of Chilliwack do not notice this stench. It is the most putrid thing ever. People have visited and then killed themselves, rather that face the smell of manure for any extended amount of time. George W. Bush wants to contain this stench and use it as the ultimate weapon. But not even Dick Cheney will go near this town. If this stench spreads, god help us all. In short, Chilliwack smells really, really bad, something to note if you are ever insane enough to want to go there.
One precaution against the smell of Chilliwack is to cut off your nose, or even better have no sense of smell to begin with.