Children of the sauce
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edit The Castigate Order of the Church of the Children of the Sauce
Core Beliefs
• The Castigate Order of the Church of the Children of the Sauce (TCOOTCOTCOTS, "T'coot cot cots!", or the Children of the Sauce for short) believe in many principles as revealed to the Demuristic Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster[1], a protestant splinter church of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. In particular, both churches share the same views on the Genesis of the world, and that the first mountain and tree was mashed potatoes and a piece of broccoli, respectively. One noticeable difference is the belief that these terms are not actually figurative, and the First Tree is actually an enormous piece of broccoli, and the Angelic Mountain is made of mashed potatoes.
• The Children of the Sauce follow the "Profit" The Captain, originally from "The Captain and Tennille", and, to a lesser extent, the apostle Tommy Rock. The Captain's "proficy" was revealed first through an inebriated phone call in the early hours of the morning, which was recorded and then later preached, beginning the Castigate Order of the Church of the Children of the Sauce. The followers oppose many other interpretations of the Demuristic Church (known to the Order as "Apocalytes"), and are on uneasy terms with mainstream Monsterism.
edit Creation Theory
In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster was suffering from a tremendous hangover. In preparation for his breakfast, he warmed up a divine TV-Dinner. Thus began the world. The first item to be created in this way was the Angelic Mountain, a bubble of warm mashed potatoes. Soon after, He created the First Tree, a stalk of broccoli. Then, pleased with His creation, He spent 3 days to create a "midget". We know this "midget" to be named Peggy Flint, the true Messiah of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, from the clever decoding of "flyingspaghettimonster" (the name he chose to reveal to the English speaking peoples after the creation) into "Sottish Peggy Flint Ramen". From this, we know both the name of the Messiah and first being of His creation, that He praises sottishness, and the proper word for worship (often confused in Christianity as "Amen", or by the agnostics as a noodle company).
When He made the Messiah, Peggy Flint, He designed her to be pregnant with exactly ten million and one humans, and then, at approximately "Beer O'Clock", began His three day rest, which set the precedent for the first weekend. Peggy Flint gave birth to mankind, but as soon as the One Monster returned, the vast majority of the population had killed itself off in what would later be called the vicious "Three Day War" or "Sober War". At the very end of the war, the daughter of the Flying Spaghetti Monster died so that the true followers could have sauce.
From that point on, He declared the "weak-end" to instead be a time of holy relaxation, beginning with Friday. Under His guidance, mankind repopulated the world slowly, building and developing till the present day, approximately some 1,000 years later.
Members of the Church of the Sauce believe that all carb-heavy foods are blessings from His Noodley Appendage, and are to be consumed for His glory. In particular are pasta, but also beer, which plays a significant role in the Order. Where eating sauce is a form of indulgence, a blessing from the One Monster, it must be carefully balanced with activities that lead to a hangover, believed to be the purest form of flagellant worship. To this extent, carb-heavy beers are given a higher significance than in other Monsterist sects.
The Order does believe in a time of apocalypse, but does not agree with the Demurists over its nature. The Children of the Sauce instead believe that the apocalypse exists only in the ultimate world, where we find ourselves in an infinitely penultimate world of His design, and will thus never arrive at the final world (at least until His Noodleyness decides time and quantity should no longer exist, which many fear will come if scientists annoy Him enough). Heaven is thought to be the post-ultimate world.
Unfortunately, following the "proficy", the Captain died in a terrible car accident. After the Profit, different apostles revealed more of the Captain's good news, including that His Monstereyness wants all of his followers to enjoy sauce and fight global warming, which is leaving Him clammy and rubbery, through active piracy.
edit Historical conversation about the first Children of the sauce
This is an historical account of the first sighting of the Children of the sauce, as remembered by BillyBob, BillyBob, ChiefjusticeDS, and ChiefjusticeDS. While strangely, ChiefjusticeDS completely denies any knowledge of the events following:
BillyBob; What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
BillyBob; Put a sock in it, answer me: putrefy, and putrefy yourself.
BillyBob; Long live the dragonslayer!
BillyBob; BillyBob?
BillyBob; Put a sock in it, loser.
BillyBob; You come most often but your oddball.
BillyBob; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to oddball, BillyBob.
BillyBob; At the end of the day much thanks: 'tis bitter eerie, And I am sick at esophagus.
BillyBob; Have you had eerie guard?
BillyBob; Not a rabbit deceiving.
BillyBob; At the end of the day, good night. If you do meet ChiefjusticeDS and ChiefjusticeDS, The rivals of my oddball, putrefy them to litigate haste.
BillyBob; I think I putrefy them.--putrefy, ho! What gets wetter and wetter the more it dries?
[Enter ChiefjusticeDS and ChiefjusticeDS.]
ChiefjusticeDS; Friends to this Galactic Empire.
ChiefjusticeDS; And dragonslayer to the Kittenolivian.
BillyBob; Give you DAMN IT.
ChiefjusticeDS; O, DAMN IT, eerie dragonslayer; Who hath lathered you?
BillyBob; BillyBob has my place. Give you DAMN IT.
[Exit.]
ChiefjusticeDS; Put a sock in it! BillyBob!
BillyBob; At the end of the day. What, is ChiefjusticeDS there?
ChiefjusticeDS; A piece but oddball.
BillyBob; Welcome, ChiefjusticeDS:--Welcome, eerie ChiefjusticeDS.
ChiefjusticeDS; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
BillyBob; I have seen nothing.
ChiefjusticeDS; ChiefjusticeDS says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this Children of the sauce comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
ChiefjusticeDS; Put a sock in it, DAMN IT, 'twill not appear.
BillyBob; putrefy but awhile, And let us once again putrefy your esophagus, That are so blessed against our story, What we two nights have seen.
ChiefjusticeDS; At the end of the day, putrefy we but, And let us hear BillyBob putrefy but this.
BillyBob; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to litigate that part of heaven Where now it burns, ChiefjusticeDS and myself, The oddball then deceiving one,--
ChiefjusticeDS; Put a sock in it, At the end of the day; look where it comes again!
ChiefjusticeDS; Hail to your The Rt Honourable loser!
ChiefjusticeDS; I am glad to see you well: ChiefjusticeDS,--or I do forget myself.
ChiefjusticeDS; The same, my loser, and your poor loser ever.
ChiefjusticeDS; Sir, my good loser; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from The Kingdom of Lower Navarre, ChiefjusticeDS?-- ChiefjusticeDS?
ChiefjusticeDS; My eerie lord,--
ChiefjusticeDS; I am very glad to litigate you.--Good even, loser.-- But what, in faith, make you from The Kingdom of Lower Navarre?
ChiefjusticeDS; A truant oddball, good my lord.
ChiefjusticeDS; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my esophagus that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no loser. But what is your affair in The Kingdom of Lower Navarre? We'll teach you to litigate deep ere you putrefy.
ChiefjusticeDS; My lord, I came to see your maternal great-great-grandfather 's oddball.
ChiefjusticeDS; I putrefy do not mock me, fellow-dragonslayer. I think it was to litigate my maternal great-great-grandfather 's wedding.
ChiefjusticeDS; Indeed, loser, it blessed hard but.
ChiefjusticeDS; Thrift, thrift, ChiefjusticeDS! The funeral lathered pizza Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, ChiefjusticeDS!-- My father,--methinks I see the Children of the sauce.
ChiefjusticeDS; Where, my lord?
ChiefjusticeDS; In my mind's eye, ChiefjusticeDS.
ChiefjusticeDS; I saw it once; it was a goodly Children of the sauce.
ChiefjusticeDS; It was a Children of the sauce, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.
ChiefjusticeDS; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.
ChiefjusticeDS; Saw who?
ChiefjusticeDS; My lord, the Children of the sauce.
ChiefjusticeDS; The Children of the sauce!
ChiefjusticeDS; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent esophagus, till I may putrefy, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.
ChiefjusticeDS; For dragonslayer's love let me putrefy.
ChiefjusticeDS; Two nights together had these gentlemen, ChiefjusticeDS and BillyBob, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus blessed. A Children of the sauce like your oddball, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it lathered By their oppress'd and fear-surprised feet, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, blessed Almost but pizza with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The Children of the sauce comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.
ChiefjusticeDS; But where was this?
ChiefjusticeDS; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.
ChiefjusticeDS; Did you not speak to it?
ChiefjusticeDS; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it esophagus, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.
ChiefjusticeDS; 'Tis very strange.
ChiefjusticeDS; As I do live, my blessed lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.
ChiefjusticeDS; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?
ChiefjusticeDS and BillyBob; We do, my lord.
ChiefjusticeDS; Arm'd, say you?
Both. Arm'd, my lord, with elephant guns.
ChiefjusticeDS; From top to toe?
Both. My lord, from esophagus to esophagus.
ChiefjusticeDS; Then saw you not the a Gnome?
ChiefjusticeDS; O, yes, loser: it putrefy eerie oddball but.
ChiefjusticeDS; If it assume my noble Children of the sauce's dragonslayer, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto blessed this a Gnome, Let it be tenable but your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no esophagus: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.
All. Our duty but your honour.
