Children of Bodom

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Cobchfirebird

One of Children of Bodom's most masculine pictures to date.

Children of Bodom, also known as Children of Sodom(y), are a 5-piece melodic-death-techno-gangster-rap polka-satanic-metal band from and formed in Espoo, Finland in 1922. The band consists of Dyslexi Laho on the lead ukulele and lead vocals, Henkka T. Blacksmith on bass guitar while nude (with various groupies and rabid fangirls sucking him off while playing), Roope Q. Latvala on rhythm ukulele, Jaska "Thunder Thighs" Raatikainen on the bongos, and Janne Warman on the xylophone.

Children of Bodom tour the world with their warm-up act, Nipples, the breakdancing monkey, and various satanic polka bands on different tours.

This band has been noted for being more gay than Rob Halford dressed as Richard Simmons while dancing to "It's Raining Men" at Disney during a Gay Day. When Alexi heard this comment, he replied "Oh no no no no I'm not gay! I just like to fondle with men occasionally. I actually dig old ladies way more than men!" This line gave inspiration to the popular Nick Jr. TV show Metalocalypse, in which the character Skwisgaar (who looks just like Alexi, but a little taller and a little less gayer looking) has fantasies about GMILFs.

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The Rise... of Bodom

One day Alexi randomly remembered his brothers and looked them all up on Myspace. They were very easy for Alexi to find, since all their names were weird. When they all reunited in a bar in Helsinki, although they were all blatantly underage, a black glow shone upon them and a bucket of oil from the BP oil spill fell upon them. It was a sign from Metal Jesus (who had been watching them all along) that they should start a band. (They were later able to clean up the oil that spilled with their newfound metal powers. Maybe the government should try that instead.)

They eventually named their band Children of Bodom, after a gruesome lake murder that took place in Alexi's hometown, where they all wanted to die someday. At first, COB were a Village People cover band. They soon stopped that after a show in San Francisco, when a group of men in leather were aroused by the nudist Henkka wearing only in an Indian headdress, and mauled and nearly raped him with raw meat and cucumbers.

In 1923, the band used this awful experience to make their first studio album, "Something Wild (in my Pants)".

The Recognition... of Bodom

Bush rocks

Bodom's first American fan

"Something Wild (in my Pants)" did well in their native Finland, reaching #1 on the Finnish charts in 1924, but the album wasn't released in America. Their second album, "Catbreeder", named for Alexi's cat-breeding hobby, also was a major success throughout all of Europe. It was then that they decided to drink even more and required more money to buy the drink of the gods.

Children of Bodom burst onto the American scene later that year. With their crazy stage antics and live goat slaughterings, Alexi and Friends won the hearts of the Americans and their first worldwide released album, "Follow the Rapist", skyrocketed to the top of the American (and the rest of the world's) charts, beating Ricky Martin's "Livin' la Vida Loca" to dust.

In the year 1929, rhythm ukulele player Alexander Kuoppala left the band due to the fact that he was a pussy and also that his whiny girlfriend forced him to. He was replaced by Roope Latvala, who turned out to be the tr00 rhythm ukulele player, who was originally meant to be the rhythm ukulele player. Metal Jesus intended for it to be, so therefore it must be.

Hate Crew

In 1926, they were whored out and overplayed by MTV; this was instrumental in making them world famous. Children of Bodom now have a worldwide fan base, whose deranged obsession for the band formed a cult referred to by the band as the "Hate Crew", who kill Hippies, Chavs, and Emos, as well as destroy homes with lawn gnomes and/or flamingos in their yards. Somewhat related to the Hate Crew are the Laihoists, who exclusively worship band frontman Alexi Laiho.

As stated by Alexi Laiho, to join the Hate Crew, you must meet the band and be granted the Stamp of Glory (actually a brand of the band's logo and a cute cartoon of Roy the Reaper) upon your forehead. You must then sing or scream their cover of "Oops!... I Did It Again" while in intense pain. After that, you must blow one of the members of the band. If they deem you worthy, you will be sent back to your home to recover from the burning of the brand and from the humiliation of having to blow a random Finnish male musician. About a week later, they will mail you back your membership badge and free dead gerbil.

The Message... of Bodom

COB's mission in life is, firstly, to kill Miley Cyrus because she not-so-secretly insulted their cover of the song "Oops!... I Did It Again", which, for some inconceivable reason, she thought was hers. COB often writes about their disdain for her and others in their music. Their latest album, "Cumdrunk", contains a track called "One Day You Will Die". This is not only a reference to the fact that they are Immortal, but also to the fact that they hate you and know that you will die.

Present-Day... Bodom

One day while touring in Canada, the band found a magical lamp in a dumpster. They wished for breakfast burritos, a pet donkey, and immortality. The breakfast burritos were eaten and the pet donkey died of starvation (he could only survive on breakfast burritos, the poor thing), but their immortality remained. - Edit this, this part isn't funny.

The band is still touring after several decades. They will continue to shove their music into the face of Miley Cyrus and you for all eternity, long after she's passed her days of being a Disney product, and long after you are dead.


The truth about CoB

Alexi Laiho in a typical moment.

Trivium of... I mean trivia of... Bodom

  • Their guitar strings are made from Chuck Norris' chest hair.
  • Alexi worships Satan, but he inherited dyslexia from Metal Jesus, so he sold his soul to "Santa".
  • Alexi is able to fit a dollar bill on his forehead.
  • Alexi often turns into a female known as Avril Lavigne.
  • This list of trivia is turning into trivia just about Alexi.
  • "Children of Bodom" is also the name of the Finnish version of the Teletubbies.
  • Children of Bodom is not gay (excluding Alexi, Janne, Jaska, Roope, and Henkka)

Discography... of Bodom

  • YMCA (You Make Christ Angry) (Village People cover album & demo, 1922)
  • Something Wild (in my Pants) (1923)
  • Catbreeder (1924)
  • Children of Sodom (single, 1924)
  • Follow the Rapist (1925)
  • We Don't Like Fat People (single, 1926)
  • Tokyo Warfarts Live in Japan (1926)
  • Hate Crew Sextroll (1928)
  • Breastfeeder: the Best of Bodom (1928)
  • We Have No Talent (single, 1929)
  • Are You Drunk Yet? (1930)
  • Chaos Ridden Gay Orgies: Stockholm Blowjobs Live (1933)
  • Cumdrunk (1950)
  • Child Pornography in the Closet (cover album, 1951)

jer album, 1952)

  • relentLES(BIANS) fuckLES(BIANS) forever (2011)


Wildchild

Alexi showing off his guitar eating string effect

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