Child porn

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The term child porn (short for child pornography) is porn made by children. The quality (or lack thereof) is even worse than legal porn, which is why children were banned from making porn to begin with. Child Porn consists of images of naked children that have been exhibited since nine months after Adam knocked up Eve. It is especially prominent in early cave paintings. Early Homo sapiens never considered this to be a problem. Neither did Homo erectus, who called the art form "nakid kid kid pedo feely bday suity nudey." Translated into modern English, this means "images of naked children." No one in either the Western or Eastern World had ever considered this to be a problem, until the creation of Legislators in 1166 B.C. Elected to do nothing but make laws, they spent millennia finding things to declare illegal. It took them 3,143 years to declare that "the viewing of the naked bodies and all abusive and sexual activities involving children shall be defined as illegal, unless we're the ones caught looking at them."

19th Century

Minnie Rae 1871s
Photo of the preteen prostitute Minnie Rae when she was pregnant at age 10 or 11. This inspiration for the Preteen slut series is perhaps the most famous child porn star of the 19th Century.

Child Pornography, also known as "Child Porn", "Kiddie Porn", "Kittie Porn" (not to be confused with "Kitty Porn"), "KoRn", "European Pornography," "Lolita Complex," and "Photos of My Kids in the Bathtub," is perhaps the greatest development of the 19th Century. It was recreated from cave paintings by the American Federal Bureau of Investigation, or FBI, along with photography, in 1861. It was then called "Pony Porn," which literally meant "pornography featuring little horses," or "My Little Pony." This invention was first used by U.S. President Abraham Lincoln during the American Civil War to build morale in the Northern (loyal) troops. Families sent thousands of images of child pornography, carried by the Pony Express, to their heroic fighting men to remind them of their loved ones back home.

Child porn was also used during the war as a diversionary tactic to thwart the rebellion of the Southern United States. Volunteers, primarily wives, mothers, sisters, and girlfriends, tied thousands of copies of 12-year-old exotic dancer Minnie Rae's illustrated autobiography, My Life as a Child Prostitute or Preteen Slut, to the legs of passenger pigeons. The birds then dropped these on the heads of Southern troops.

Child pornography was also utilized to help free the children of slaves. Countless numbers of underage slaves were rescued by being photographed naked under the plan known as the Lolita-Monroe Doctrine. This proclamation held that "any person who has not yet reached the age of majority, and who shall have been sold at public auction while bereft of clothing, shall be sent to boarding school in New Jersey."

The doctrine was rendered obsolete by the 13th Amendment to the U. S. Constitution, which freed all porn stars. It wasn't revised until after a panty raid of the McDonald's Preschool in 1977 uncovered images of Donald Duck not wearing pants.

Famous stars of 19th Century child porn include Minnie Rae, Alice "Chuck" Liddell (of "Alice in Wonderland"), Calamity Jane (of the X-rated "Dick and Jane" books), Annie Oakley (alias "Little Orphan Annie" of "Annie Fannie" fame), and the Statue of Liberty.

20th Century

CPFBI
Technology has made it possible to have unborn porn.

The actual term "Child Pornography" was invented in 1914 by still 12-year-old exotic dancer Minnie Rae in an attempt to publicize the fifth edition of her autobiography, My Life as a Child Prostitute or Preteen Slut, which was published by McGraw-Hill. While detractor William Jennings Bryant claimed Minnie Rae was just "a girl child drunk on heroin," her work has survived. Today, her definition of child pornography is widely used for judging Miss Preteen Beauty Contests, Child Clothing Catalogues, and Gymnastics Competitions. These have been classified by author and Christian commentator James Dobson as "life-threatening evils," which means "something that I can rant against and thus increase my readership."

This early definition of child pornography was revised by attorney-legislators working for U. S. President Pat Robertson (1981 - 1988). They defined it as "any lewd and/or lascivious exhibition, whatever lewd and/or lascivious and/or exhibition might mean, by any underage person, or by any person appearing to be underage at the time such image is created, of the genitals, anus, breasts of a female, whether clothed or unclothed, according to contemporary community standards, whatever those are, Amen." By a unanimous 5 - 4 decision of the U. S. Supreme court in 1985, this was declared to mean "any picture that somebody don't like that has a child in it."

To avoid possible misinterpretation, this guideline was ratified as the 26th Amendment. According to a report by social historians Reverend Loveshade and Charles Manson, this system "will insure that the principle wasn't subject to misinterpretation by Lawyers." For further clarification, for purposes of this statute, U.S. Federal Code defined a child as "anyone younger than two years older than may legally consent to sexual intercourse in most states."

The 20th Century produced a great number of beloved Child Porn Stars, including Minnie Rae, Shirley Temple, Judy Garland, Mickey Rooney, Jerry Mathers (as "The Beaver"), The Brady Bunch, Angela Cartwright/Lacey Chabert (as the cheap space harlot "Penny Robinson"), Brooke Shields, JonBenet Ramsey, Dominique Moceanu, Britney Spears, the Olsen Twins, Natalie Portman and the entire nation of Japan.

(Note to law enforcement: All of the above are over the legal age of consent to make Child Pornography. Or they're dead. So please don't arrest us again).

21st Century

Babyjesus

By the beginning of the 21st Century, the definition of child porn had grown increasingly confusing. This chaos was created because some nations simply refused to interpret everything as America told them to. In countries that don't speak English, Child Pornography was defined as "duo de adulteries moisten camerina nomo 40 bad bad spanky pokey pokey." Translated, this means "two adults posing for the camera who look like they might be under age 40." But in the United States and Great Britain, this included any depiction whatsoever of a pop star.

Under the Discretionary Income Doctrine of All Nations with Rich Lawyers, a child pornographer was defined as anyone who took, possessed, or looked at photos of any person under "the completely arbitrary age of adulthood," if the accused didn't have enough money to defend himself. But this only applied to males. Women were immune from prosecution, unless they were teachers or had large breasts. This was due to the Janet Jackson Syndrome, which caused children and especially babies to suffer sexual trauma from seeing a naked breast. Thus a woman could not nurse an infant in public unless the child was wearing a blindfold.

And in the poor nations of Zululand, Great Britain, Sealand, Mexico, New Zealand, China, India, Petoria, Scotland, Poland, Ireland, Canada, Africa, and Honolulu, Hawaii, Child Pornography was defined as "pictures of Japanese girls."

To clear up all this confusion, in 2009, United Nations ambassador Minnie Rae proposed the "Protect Our Children from Growing Up" Act. The 12-year-old's proposal was accepted by anonymous vote in all nations of the world, except for the Soviet Union, which claimed "we no longer exist." "Child Pornography" was made a special classification of family photo album which could be utilized by law enforcement agencies as a fundraiser when their budgets were running low. In summation of the act, Child Pornography is now defined internationally as "whatever the hell we think it is. And we can change our minds at any time without warning, dammit."

Under current International law, anyone who is accused with possession and/or promotion of Child Pornography has a choice of two pleas. The first is "guilty," which will result in 1 to 10,000 years in prison and, in some states and Canada, life time registration as a sex offender and possible castration, but will mean avoiding trial. The second choice is pleading "not guilty," which means going to trial, but otherwise has exactly the same results. Under the "Children Can't Lie" principle established by child psychologist Barney the Purple Dinosaur, the accused may get an extended sentence if their cousin's nephew's brother's uncle's daughter, or any other person under the age of consent, said she didn't like him.

The 21st Century has had little time for making stars of kiddie porn, and as those stars haven't had time to pass the age of 18 (16 in Great Britain), we won't mention any names. But you know who they are.

Future

According to Futurist Pedobear, by the 22nd Century child pornography will be common practice because "old people are ugly and children are hot." There will be entire museums dedicated to nude pictures of children and many more of them engaged in masturbatory acts. In religion, Christianity, Judaism and Islam will be replaced with the worship of naked children, and leading sexologicians will finally prove looking at naked children can cure the blind and prolong age.

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