Chicago Cubs

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The Cubs fly this flag at Wrigley whenever they have a home game between the dates of June 1st and September 30th.

The Cubs fly this flag next to the above flag at Wrigley whenever they have a home game between the dates of June 1st and September 30th.

“I feel now would be an appropriate time to tell them that they're not playing cricket.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Chicago Cubs

The Chicago Cubs are a made-up baseball team that has been used by millions of comics in skits for over a century now. Their tales of comic torment and near triumph (only to have something hilarious happen to cause them to lose) have entertained generations of comedy and baseball fans, particularly St. Louis Cardinals fans and White Sox fans.

[edit] Origin

In 1901, comics Abbot and Costello became big baseball fans after the creation of the American League of baseball. They loved the sport, and they also saw the comedic value that might be elicited from any one of a huge range of potential goofs, from misthrown baseballs to tripping while running.

They dared to use this sign for Wrigley Field on opening day

The duo especially loved the National League, and were upset that their home town, Chicago, didn't have a National League team. Therefore, in September 1901, the duo came up with a fictional franchise named the Chicago Cubs, a bumbling gang of misfits who tried their hardest to succeed, but just couldn't get the results they needed to win games. Skits involving the Cubs would often involve poor attempts at bunting, bad base running, throwing gaffes, winning against non-existent teams, and even a guy who died after running through a wooden outfield wall (which went over especially well with some of the newly-formed Mobs in the 1920s during Prohibition). They still did better than the Rockies, becoming the 2nd worst team in the majors, although many argue that this is not strictly true, the Colorado Rockies not beginning life until a much later date. Cubs fans insist that this in no way invalidates their claims.

There are two theories regarding the origin of the nickname "Cubs". One is that the franchise was something of a knock-off of the Chicago Bears football team that had just recently come into town. The other is that "Cubs" doesn't refer to bear cubs at all, rather, it's an acronym for Completely Useless By September. Other theories suggest that the team had to come up with a name that would satisfy the vast homosexual fan base of the club. A name such as Bears would be just too scary for them.

However, the skit nearly came to a screeching halt in 1908 when the duo decided that their "Lovable Losers" (as they had affectionately come to be known) had lost enough. That year, a series of skits had the Cubs finally onto winning ways, concluding with an emphatic victory in the World Series. Reactions were swift: the duo would have bar stools, chairs, and beer bottles thrown at them wherever they went following this successful season, and were repeatedly chased off the stage with shotguns. Convinced by the violent reactions of their critics, they decided against the group ever winning anything again, a tradition that has gone on to this very day.

[edit] The Middle Years

As Abbot and Costello's comedy careers started to come to a close, other comics (in a show of appreciation for such comedy gold and because of the continued success of the team) decided to "pick up the mantle" and carry on the tradition. Most skits followed the age old model, but some very talented comics turned the Chicago Cubs into a team for the ages, hitting gold when provisions were added that the Cubs occasionally had get to the brink of winning something, only to blow it at the last hour. For example, in a particularly memorable 1984 skit, the Cubs made it to the National League championship series, but lost when a baseball rolled between a player's legs. An extremely popular gaffe was added in 2003 by a young comic named Moises Alou. The Cubs, again in the NLCS, are on the cusp of winning when a baseball player loses a pop foul into the bleachers, blames a fan for interfering, and promptly causes the rest of the team to choke.

The fan in question, one Steve Bartman, now spends his remaining years as a herdsman in the rolling vast lobster plains of Juno, Alaska.

[edit] Popularity Today

Today, the skit tends to stay away from the idea of having the Cubs get "to the brink" and has instead, once again, relegated them to being beaten on a regular basis. Most fans have seemed to prefer this tried and tested formula, though some nightclub owners have voiced dislike for the joke, which, in some cases, has gotten them fired or traded off to inferior comedy troupes.

The day the World Ends so no the Cubs never do win the World Series

2008 marked the 100 year anniversary of the unpopular winning season skit. Fans of the skit seemed to reach a general consensus in believing the Cubs would be victorious again, in order to satirize the dreadful writing of the 1908 season.

However, true to form, the Cubs fell short yet again, this time due to the hilarious drug fuelled antics of second baseman Mark DeJesus and first baseman D.P. Jack.

[edit] Info about the team

• Skit originated: 1870 (as the Chicago White Stockings until 1889), later changed into the Chicago Colts (1890-1897), Chicago Orphans (1898-1901), and currently the Chicago Cubs (1902-Now).
• Record: 7 wins (6 by forfeit from laughter); 59,947 losses.
• Home Field: Wrigley Field (a stadium built on top of an old combination town dump/Indian burial site in 623 BC). Scheduled to move to the Fuku Dome in 2015.
• Attendance: 1% True Fans, 1% homosexuals 1% alcoholics 97% homosexual alcoholics
• Players on Team: 75% Have been Raped by Cesar Isturiz, 25% Flamingly Gay - Video of How Gay Team is
• Errors committed: Their only error committed was playing for the opposite team in every one of their games.
• Members: Lou "Fuck the Umpire's Decision, I'm Going Out There And Yelling Like A Banshee" Piniella
  • Harry Caray, broadcaster
• The Cubs are pawned every year.

[edit] Unusual Facts About the Cubs

Male Cubs fans spend most of their time hanging out in cheap strip joints, where a pair of fingers, thoroughly drenched in a Cambodian hooker's stinking twot, are traditionally smeared across his upper lip in a gesture of friendship. Handshakes, on the other hand, are likely to be met with hostility, especially if following the afore-mentioned gesture.