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Chicago (pronounded "Chicago"), but also commonly known as "Chicagooo" is one of the more ethnically diverse amusement parks in the US, and the largest suburb of Milwaukee (at least Wisconsin would like to think). Chicago is currently squatting inside the state of Illinois and relies upon local "Occupy" protestors to forestall its inevitable foreclosure and eviction to Indiana. Chicago is best known as the Hog Freedom Front For the World (HFFW). Since the inception of the "Fuck New York" Act in 1908, the City Council has launched an immigration drive for every culture in the world with the promise that they can enjoy corrupt politics outside of their home country and tell New Yorkers to go fuck themselves. It is always winter in Chicago except a brief period of thunderstorms and tornadoes. It was recently voted Greatest City in America by Obesity Magazine, as well as by people who prefer to be left alone. Basically it's like the poor man's New York where any food not containing meat is banned. Chicago originally formed from something smelly that washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan.
Illinois was discovered in the late 1700's by migrant firemen during the Great Fireman Exodus of 1784, led by Shamusille O'Neil. The firemen were drawn to Illinois because of their lax policy on inter-species marriage laws as well as the flat topography, which not only would better allow fire to spread but also was easy to build stadiums for Da Beass to play on. Immediately after its discovery, the firemen began building pizza shops where Chicagoans could discuss Da See-ess Toweh, Da Beass, and Dei Bossis treatin dem lik BEBES. Mayor Kanye West wrote a song called, "One time I farted in Chicago." This song was critical to the building of the magic bean in magic park because bean symbolizes fartz.
The following is factual information about the history of Chicagoland and her hinterlands:
Chicago is an Indian word (casinos, not call centers) meaning "Tomatoes, not catsup." But Whitey killed off all the redskins (
except including the ones in Washington, D.C.), and the word took on several new, bizarre meanings such as "NO PEHPSI! " (Courtesy of the Billy Goat's Tavern). It is home to the highly prestigious university of the same name, where young adults are taught how to beg, drink jaba juice, cheer for Da Beass, and eat hot dogs.
Recent renovations of the airport have uncovered evidence has led scholars to additional insights regarding the origins of the city’s name. Early French explorers of the region adopted the name Chicago from the original indigenous inhabitants of the area. This name translates to “nest of flightless birds” in their native tongue.
This really perplexed the explorers. When they asked the locals why they chose this name, nobody knew and they were also extremely bamboozled as to why they called their own land by this name. They explained that they dared not to change it because they did not want to anger the protective spirit, Popcornomar (pop-corn-o-mar). They were afraid of his ability to drown them in hot caramel glaze and stuff their souls into tiny paper bags to be sold to the other gods as snacks. Only recently historical scholars have been able to understand the context of the name in terms of flight delays out of O’Hare airport.
Founded in 1803, 30 years before the city itself, the early CPD was a roaming group of former U.S. presidents headed by Thomas Jefferson. A local military outpost and neighborhood watch organization (Fort Dearborn Partnership for a Drug-Free Northwest Territory) was quickly established owing to unconfirmed reports of a suspicious African male prowling the neighborhood. The identity of this criminal has never been positively established and he is only known by the aliases "Jean," "Baptiste," "Du Sable," or simply and disturbingly "Le Pointe." The CPD believe he was engaging in what is known in underground circles as the "fur trade" and encourage anyone with any information as to his whereabouts to come forward in exchange for a cash reward. By the mid 1850s, operating under the orders of King Richard Daley I, the CPD soon became a volunteer task-force for the eradication of homeless people, Canadians, and the Irish.
Not satisfied with leading the country in racial profiling, the city began to explode in population when several important rail lines were routed to Chicago as practical joke on Saint Louis (then the principal gateway to the West). Nothing important has happened in Saint Louis since, although rumor has it that the town is still inhabited. The city's economic importance was further enhanced by the construction of the IM Canal which allowed for instant messaging between the Great Lakes and the Gulf of Mexico.
Lake Michigan was created when the O'Leary Cow detonated the first controlled nuclear reaction in 1871, which occurred at the University of Chicago. The Atomic Bomb was also designed to kill the Irish as well, as payback for them being pasty and alcoholics. The Chicago River's flow was quickly reversed in order to drain the crater and recover valuable land for real estate, but this measure has so far been unsuccessful. The failure of the city to provide ample space for growth resulted in the construction of the world's first skyscraper in 1884. The sight of this modern Tower of Babel so disturbed the God-fearing masses that they engaged in the Haymarket Rebellion in 1885 in order to destroy this affront to the divine will. The brutal suppression of the rebellion led Jane Addams to open her famous slave labor day care center Hull House in order to take advantage of those orphaned by the chaos. After rapidly piling the corpses of the Haymarket Rebellion into the lake and therefore creating the additional real estate and ample parking that had been previously lacking, the city decided to throw a big party to celebrate and held the Columbian Exposition. It is not known whether Columbus attended.
Hull House is located on the campus of UIC, or the 'University of the Indians and Chinese'. This public research school houses some of the most unsightly architecture in the city and is intended to remind homesick Polish immigrants of communist worker housing. Designed by Irish architect Walter Netsch (who was a recovering alcoholic leprechaun at the time), the campus features a tower (University Hall) which was built upside down, several times. Frustrated Netsch finally committed suicide by throwing himself over the edge of the Sears Steeple. (It was later discovered that Walter Netsch was holding the blueprints backwards). The tower contains a pot-o-gold, and many a Chicagoan would try and get it if it weren't for the fact that they were too busy eatin' deh subss (Subway Sandwiches).
The two enormous twin-spiked Minarets: John Hancock Mosque and Sears Steeple (Now called the Willis Tower by smart-asses) were leftovers of the ancient moorish civilization and culture which thrived during the great epoch known as White Flight. This was during the reign of King Martin Luther II. King Martin Luther's illegitimate son, Jesse Jackson, saw the error of his father's ways is now involved in altruistic efforts to make the world a better place. Like that one time he saved that cat out of a tree, he called 25 news networks for a full press conference and said "I got a cat out of a tree and I'm humble."
The not-so great Chicago floods
While sleeping in the abandoned subways under Chicago in 1993, Oprah's water broke, and the massive wave of placenta juices flooded every basement in Chicago killing many garage bands, but they sucked, so nobody beyond the city limits cares. Later, Chicago's Little Village neighborhood. Then on July 24th, 2010, clowns and pranksters working at a sewage facility in west suburban Stickney reversed the flow of sewage during an early morning rainstorm, creating a sewage tsunami that flooded thousands of basements with raw sewage in Cicero, Berwyn, Stickney, Forest View, and Chicago's Little Village neighborhood.
Chicago is renowned for its minarchist style hands-off approach to government, which started in California. It was recently rated one of the least restrictive cities in the United States. Many people migrate to the city in order to be free from the wrath of paternalism, socialism, and economic protectionism that has overtaken the rest of the country. Citizens of Chicago are guaranteed unrestricted fundamental rights such as ownership of firearms or recreational drug use. Businesses enjoy minimal regulation on their practices without worrying about fines, such as smoking in bars or restaurant food laws and may set prices according to what the market will bear. Up and coming corporations flock to Chicago to take advantage of the unrestricted zoning and low taxes. Of course, every now and then a new ordinance comes up to give citizens a nudge in the "right direction" as determined by society's best interests.
Chicagoland is also known for it's tremendously fast paced lifestyle. So fast paced that the average workweek in Chicagoland is 60 hours! In many areas, it is so fast paced that not only is there no Sabbath, but people are sleeping way too few hours! Some areas are so fast paced, their residents get no more than 6 hours of sleep. Slower paced people are either technically spanked and whipped to speed up, or they get fired. People who stumble under the fast pace are ruthlessly left behind.
In a normal city, the people in the suburbs are usually nicer and more social than people in the city. But Chicagoland is the exact polar opposite of that. Not only are Chicagoans not nice or friendly people, but Chicago suburbanites are actually worse than in the city of Chicago. And believe it or not, Chicago's collar county area (DuPage, Lake, Kane, Will, and McHenry counties), and even places as far flung as Sycamore and DeKalb, is the snob capital of the whole continent of North America! And that very literally includes the USA, Canada, and Mexico. People in Chicago's collar county area are not only worse than the city people, they can be even downright aggressive towards anyone who does not live immediately next door to them. Chicagoland has that type of upside down social atmosphere where the safer and quieter a neighborhood is, the meaner and more aggressive the locals of that neighborhood are towards even people that are just passing through.
Crime is a very serious problem in Chicago, especially the city's west and south sides. About a hundred or so street gangs do shootings and turf wars daily, often even catching innocent people in the crossfire, sometimes they even attack innocent people on purpose. And they include some nasty gangs such as the Latin Kings, the Gangster Disciples, the Mickey Cobras, and the Four Corner Hustlers. And in fact, the Latin Kings gang is so violent and so nasty that it has earned itself a spot on the top 5 toughest street gangs on the TV program "That's Tough." Chicago also has a HUGE ghetto! The ghetto measures, on the Illinois side, roughly 10 miles wide by about 30 miles long, and includes the downtown area. On the Indiana side, the ghetto continues eastward, right through Gary, Indiana, and eastward to Interstate 65. Within the ghetto, whatever is not covered by a street gang is covered by violent and lethal Flash Mobs, which are as dangerous as packs of wolves.
Another thing that makes Chicago known is it's tremendously high taxes and costs. Sales tax is about 10 percent, food and touristy areas are very expensive, and it is even said that a visit to Chicago will lay a beating on your wallet.
Chicagoland runs on what is known as a corruption based economy. In theory, everyone in Chicagoland holds a state sponsored job, we call these people Union Members. These Union Members are in turn supported by the fabled and most likely imaginary farmers in southern Illinois (which is almost certainly itself apocryphal). Since only the votes of Union Members count in Illinois the mayor stays in power. A large percentage of these corrupt "Union Members", as well as many of their useless relatives, pretend to work for the Chicago transit authority.
Chicago proudly boasts the highest local taxes in the country and residents gain great satisfaction from their selfless generosity to their friends, the faceless bureaucracy. Key indicators of economic success and residents' charity include a retail tax of 10.25% in the city, a 10 cent extra tax applied to every bottle of water sold, and packs of cigarettes that cost an average of $734.35 for non-premium brands. Unlike most reciprocal gift-exchanges, Chicagoans ensure that their voluntary donations are truly altruistic by insisting upon not receiving anything at all in return. Chicagoans are similarly proud of their environmentalism and work tirelessly to ensure that their gas prices are the highest in the nation.
Chicago's climate constantly changes. In summer, most people are stuck to the asphalt because it is so freaking hot and humid. Skip fall. And in winter, polar bears migrate from there, to the north pole, and people, have to hibernate in winter, which is why they are so fat in summer. Winters are cold, long and brutal, with an average January high of just 12 above zero Fahrenheit and low of 5 below zero. And winter averages 5 months in length, most commonly the months of November, December, January, February, and March.The most known places Chicagoins hibernate to during the winter months are: Florida (primarily for disney land).Nevada is traveled to alot for all the hot sluts and buffets, plus the money,that chicagoins dont have much of considering our debt left from the douche we call President. anywhere away from the states in the middle of the ocean is where chicagoins go until spring time.
The South Side
Chicago's "South Side" is actually located in the North of the city. This naming scheme was created primarily to prevent crime tourists from finding it and gentrifying the shit out of it.
Actual Facts about the South Side:
- Moo and Oink is responsible for 39% of Chicago's GDP.
- Italian beef sandwiches are no longer sold on the southside since the Italians were smart enough to get the hell out many years ago.
- Everybody has a job, because Southsiders just LOVE to work, and those who don't, know someone in local government.
- Wonderful places, beautfiul places
- Southsiders are evnironmentalists becasue they do not drive. Instead they wait on every corner for a bus; Earth thanks you!
- In the free time, after a long, hard day at work, Southsiders enjoy their hobbies; such as shooting people or taking care of business unrecognized by the IRS
- As a reward for hard work, from the South Side loving Mayor Daley, all southsiders receive food stamps so they can spend money on other things instead of just food - for example Alcohol or just speical treats imported from Florida
- When entering the South Side, one must predominantly display your gang colors so as not to be shot by one's own gang.
- You will never need an iPod with you; everyone plays extremely loud music with base to the max from their cars; occasionaly performing the tribal dances on gas stations
- Schools on the South Side care about their students very much; they do not make students wear backpacks or carry books to school so they do not injure themselves while climbing a tree on their way
- In order to cope with the thirst of South siders, there is a liquor store on almost every intersection
- They do not want the Chicago 2016 Olympics; they fear that the construction of the stadium and the international center on the Sotuh Side will end up in demolishing their beatuful, safe and squeaky clean neighborhoods
- In order to support the southsiders, Chicago has the highest taxes in the country; 11.25% in downtown and 10.25% in the rest of the city. All of this because we need to support Southsiders and build them a library to improve their incredibly high literacy scores. Soon we're gonna pay for the dirty air we breath in...
- Suburbanites who would never visit the rougher areas on the south side in a million years, except to buy drugs or sex, get their jollies out of making fun of the poor, mostly minority people who have to live there.
The CTA is the local transit agency of the Kingdom of Chicago, dedicated to wasting tax dollars and overcharging the public, by transporting people to where they don't want to go, by the least efficient route possible.
CTA's routings go through Weehawken New Jersey, Ottumwa Iowa, and Green Bay Wisconsin, for no reason, other than the routing director likes the scenery there. While the routings go through these places, the CTA will occasionally FREEZE so everybody can clap their hands. Besides that no stops are made there, due to the risk of infecting these places with the incurable disease, Chicago Politics.
The CTAs road vehicles range from oxcarts to fairly modern buses, all of which smell like oxcarts. It also uses Ton-Ton's and Yoshis for travel. The CTA also runs several rail transit lines, on inconvenient schedules, which smell like rolling urinals (like the rest of Chicago).
Chicago Police Department
The Chicago Police Dept. is the most menacing of all municipal police forces in the western hemisphere. Known for their powder-blue riot helmets, the CPD has a long and vibrant history in the city. The Chicago Police don't play. As of 2000, 99.2% of the of the Chicago Police are lesbians, which is the reason for the ferocity of the department.
Riots Successfully Ended by the CPD
- 1871 - O'Leary Cow Stampede: 9 tourists trampled to death. (see also Running of the Bulls)
- 1905 - South Side Roast Beef Riots: Eight deaths, four injuries
- 1928 - Lincoln Park Elementary School Chewing Gum Riots: Forty-eight third graders clubbed to death. Police however ignored the drunk 8th graders.
- 1968 - N/A
- 1970 - Deep Dish Pizza Riots
- 1979 - Disco Demolition Riots: Bloodiest riot in Chicago history. Over 200 members of the anti-disco group, The insane Coho lips, were bludgeoned to death by the 1000 CPD officers called to the event. Radio personality Steve Dahl was executed for organizing the event.
- 1982 - Italian Beef Riots-When Mother Theresa dined at Pizzeria Trenta-Sei after easily winning the America's Cup with Tony Montana and Beavis she said that Italian Beef "Tastes Like dog shit mixed with toxic waste." It set off a riot in the Lincoln Park area by groups of angry Gay Norwegians. Four cops were able to quell the fight after passing out free packs of Chuckles, and nachos.
- 1997 - Jordan Retirement Riots
- 2005 - King Daley II indictment celebratory riots, 26 dead, 300 injured, all infants.
- 2007 - Riot that followed the visitation of a UFO over Chicago. Bush was arrested for causing it.
- 2008 - Obama's victory rally riot. 326 dead. All killed by angry McCain supporters.
- 2009-2010 - Anti-Olympic Riots. Started after the IOC chose Chicago to be the next Olympic city. Thank god the rioters won and Chicago didn't deserve to host the 2016 Olympics. Luckily the Chicagoans had the power to divert to Olympics to Rio de Janeiro!
|This article is part of our series on|
|Things You Shouldn't Put In Your Mouth|
Chicago is known for having excellent food, despite being the worlds largest consumer of Goat and Iguana meat. Some of the local specialties include:
- Chicago Style Hot Dogs - small boiled combination iguana and goat meat sausage, served on an oversized bland white bun, and covered with all of the following condiments: celery salt, glow-in-the-dark green relish, pickles, cucumber, eye of newt, sport peppers, battery acid, dayglo yellow mustard, tomatoes, eggplant, toe of frog, chili, lettuce, onions, rutabaga, red cabbage, barbeque sauce, sauerkraut, axle grease, coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans, limburger cheese, candle wax, chicken soup, and worchestershire sauce...But NO KETCHUP!!!
- Chicago Style Pizza - A round hunk of edible cardboard, slathered with ketchup, and covered in goat sausage and melted goat cheese.
- Deep Dish Pizza - a round edible cardboard tub, burnt thoroughly, and filled with 5 pounds of unidentifiable melted cheese, iguana sausage, and a teaspoon of ketchup.
- Italian Beef - Filet of iguana, boiled in it's own juices, served thinly sliced on Italian bread.
- Italian Sausage - Goat meat sausage, grilled, and served on Italian bread with Italian beef style sauce.
- Maxwell Street Polish - Sausage of non-Polish origin, normally made of a mixture of ground rat, racoon, coyote, dog, cat, possum, and squirrel. May also contain the flesh of any animal that has recently died at the local zoos. Grilled over a fire of used motor oil, and served on stale Italian bread, with grilled onions and barbeque sauce. Notable among "Chicago" foods as containing no goat or iguana meat.
“Okay, you're gonna have to leave!”
“Back away from my ladies before I call the police!”
“You're under arrest for stalking and harassment! You have a right to remain silent. Anything you say and do will be used against you in the court of law. You have a right to talk to an attourney. If you can not afford an attourney, one will be appointed to you at no cost.”
You know you're in Chicago when;
1. You get mowed down by AK-47 gunfire going to and from the United Center.
2. You come out of work to find pitchforks and crowns carved/painted on your car.
3. Everywhere from Austin Blvd to the lakefront is endless ghetto.
4. Potholes big and deep enough to pop your tires.
5. Only 1 dance floor and 1 strip club that sit in a good neighborhood.
6. Even downtown is a ghetto.
7. Long and slow freight trains every 30 minutes or less.
8. You are safer tent camping in New York City's Times Square area than you are riding the CTA at 12 noon.
9. Cheerleaders exhibit behaviors that make them look as if they do not qualify for human status.
10. A 40 hour workweek is looked on as if it were part-time.
11. Wait a minute! Isn't it true that tent camping in SoHo is safer than visiting Grant Park at 2 in the afternoon?
- Berwyn - Parking violations will result in your car getting ticketed, towed, and skewered on a big steel spike. Nearly became a military lockdown zone due to an incident with an expelled student at Morton West High School. Turned completely upside down in the 2000s with it's social atmosphere, and people are now known to call the police on anyone who merely glances at them.
- Cicero - Nobody speaks English at all. Home to a bunch of gangsters, and a police department that moves like a sleepy turtle. Also home to Morton College, where muffin tops and cottage cheese thighs abound.
- Glen Ellyn - A white collar town with an outer beauty and no social appeal. Home to College of DuPage, where skinny super model type women are there for all your pleasure, and if approached in any way, they will get you a free room in that big red brick fortress next door to the DuPage County Fairgrounds.
Milwaukee is a "extra-medium" sized city located in the Northern Cheese Provence between the golden shores of Lake Michigan and the Myhog'nmee Valley in Southeastern Wisconsin. Legend has it that the magical land of Milwaukee lies "just over the river and through the woods", across the Cheddar Curtain from Chicago. Milwaukee is sometimes dubbed a "suburb" of Chicago by insane asylum escapees and Shit-town natives Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater and his wife Bimbo Betty who don't think that Chicago has enough lame suburbs of its own. Unfortunately for King Daley and his loyal army of Shitcagoans, all attempts at expanding the Chicago metro and living a higher quality of life in Wisconsin had failed or ended somewhere in Kenosha County over a century ago with the passing of the "FIB Eradication Act of 1908". Milwaukeeans and many other Wisconsinites still to this day wonder out loud why anyone with a brain stem would want to be part of Illinois, and locals often hurl rocks and giant wheels of cheese at any passing vehicles with Illinois license plates. Milwaukee's wellknown diplomats have included Mayor McCheese (Chicago native) and Crime Commissioner Prince "Biggy Size Me" Fielder. Former St Louis Cardinals catcher and Vegas showgirl Bob Uecker has since taken over duties for McCheese after McCheese's mysterious disappearance while on vacation with Fielder in Amsterdam Holland.
Milwaukee is famous for making sausage out of its former socialist mayors and also for supplying piss water beer to Shitcagoans and the rest of the Enormous Cornfield Region (no really, they pee in a barrel every day at noon and call it "Old Style"). Milwaukee then keeps all the "good beer" for themselves in an underground bunker below a Cold War era facade known as The Safehouse. Milwaukee is the only major U.S. city within 725 miles of Chicago. Due to growing tensions in Chicago after King Daily II failed to erect anything that anyone outside of the Enormous Cornfield Region cared about, Chicagoans felt isolated. This led to the passing of the "Fuck New York Again" Act of 1960 which encouraged Chicagoans to venture out and erect other large cities within the Region as well as try to populate existing cities such as Milwaukee. As of this writing, all attempts have failed to erect any cities as cultured, malodorous, or as morally corrupt as Chicago.
Chicago Sky Net
Milwaukee and its suburbs, along with all other lands within 780 miles south or west of Chicago, were once part of a region known as "Chicago Sky Net." Chicago Sky Net had its origins in The Great Ditka Census Taking Debacle of 2030. In that year, according to predictions by Nostrodamus, John Connor, and President Rosie O'Donnell-Winfrey, the city of Chicago is floundering, worse than Dan Akroyd's career after the box office bomb Blues Brothers 2000. Chicago needed more land. The heir to King Daily's throne, Commander Mike "Don't Call Me Anvil Head" Ditka, and chairman of the Merry Old Land of Oz, Gary "Whatchutalkinbout" Coleman, traveled forward in time to the year 2030 and went door to door in Wisconsin asking "Is this still Chicago?" all the while trying to hide their nasally tone. It is reported that every single resident who lived north of the IL/WI border replied with a resounding "No!" But Mr. Ditka, not an easily intimidated man, then commissioned the "Official Lego Land Census Taking of 2037" which skewed all census results in favor of Chicago and sparked the Battle of the Bulging Beltline which Chicago eventually lost after 101 years of futility. The census that sparked the battle was conducted by the independent Chicago firm Noah Common Census in conjunction with the Chicago law office of Dewey Cheatem and Howe. The entire Chicago Sky Net region during its existence included Milwaukee and 612 other municipalities across 12 united states, and was later nicknamed "The Blubber Belt" in reference to the former Rustbucket Belt.
Chicago Sky Net eventually bankrupted itself into infinity during the Great Space-Scraper Race of 2137 when Arizona S.W. Provence erected the "Spiraling Object of Mesa Boogie" a 239,000 mile high spacescraper/guitar amplifier which spanned from the Earth to the Earth's moon.