Chicago

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“I died twice inside Chicago, its not so bad after that.”

~ 3rd Street Crip on Chicago

“I thought she liked me! Yesterday she seemed so excited for our first date and now she is coldly and cruelly shoving me away!”

~ A dumped Chicago man

Chicago (pronounded "Chicago"), but also commonly known as "Chicagooo" is one of the more ethnically diverse amusement parks in the US, and the largest suburb of Milwaukee. Chicago is the smallest hamster in the united states and resides in the state illinous(the state of chicago is often refered to as a city becasue it is so small).And is also known as the Hog Freedom Front For the World (HFFW) Since the inception of the "Fuck New York" Act in 1908, the City Council has launched an immigration drive for every culture in the world with the promise that they can enjoy corrupt politics outside of their home country and tell New Yorkers to go fuck themselves. It is always winter in Chicago except a brief period of thunderstorms and tornadoes. Its was recently voted Greatest City in America by Obesity Magazine, as well as by people who prefer to be left alone. Basically it's like the poor man's New York where any food not containing meat is banned. Chicago originally formed from something smelly that washed up on the shores of Lake Michigan.

Contents 1 Discovery 2 Early History 3 1900s-2000s 3.1 The not-so great Chicago floods 3.2 The Twisting Terror 3.3 Lifestyle 4 Economy 5 Climate 6 The South Side 7 CTA 8 Nicknames 9 Chicago Police Department 9.1 Riots Successfully Ended by the CPD 10 Trivia 11 Cuisine 12 Landmarks & Attractions 13 Chicago Neighborhoods 14 Suburbs of Chicago 14.1 Northwestern Indiana 14.2 Southeastern Wisconsin 14.2.1 Milwaukee 14.2.2 Milwaukee's suburbs 15 Other states included in the Chicago Sky Net 16 See Also

edit Discovery

Illinois was discovered in the late 1700's by migrant firemen during the Great Fireman Exodus of 1784, led by Shamusille O'Neil. The firemen were drawn to Illinois because of their lax policy on intra-animal marriage laws as well as the flat topography, which not only would better allow fire to spread but also was easy to build stadiums for Da Beass to play on. Immediately after it's discovery, the firemen began building pizza shops where Chicagoans could discuss Da See-ess Toweh, Da Beass, and Dei Bossis treatin dem lik BEBES. Mayor Kanye West wrote a song called, "One time I farted in Chicago." This song was critical to the building of the magic bean in magic park because bean symbolizes fartz.

edit Early History

The following is factual information about the history of Chicagoland and her hinterlands:

Chicago is an Indian word (casinos, not call centers) meaning "Tomatoes, not catsup." But Whitey killed off all the redskins (except including the ones in Washington, D.C.), and the word took on several new, bizarre meanings such as "NO PEHPSI! " (Courtesy of the Billy Goat's Tavern). It is home to the highly prestigious university of the same name, where young adults are taught how to beg, drink jaba juice, cheer for Da Beass, and eat hot dogs.

Recent renovations of the airport have uncovered evidence has led scholars to additional insights regarding the origins of the city’s name. Early French explorers of the region adopted the name Chicago from the original indigenous inhabitants of the area. This name translates to “nest of flightless birds” in their native tongue.

This really perplexed the explorers. When they asked the locals why they chose this name, nobody knew and they were also extremely bamboozled as to why they called their own land by this name. They explained that they dared not to change it because they did not want to anger the protective spirit, Popcornomar (pop-corn-o-mar). They were afraid of his ability to drown them in hot caramel glaze and stuff their souls into tiny paper bags to be sold to the other gods as snacks. Only recently historical scholars have been able to understand the context of the name in terms of flight delays out of O’Hare airport.

This flightless condition was a direct result of a war between Popcornomar and his half-brother, the god Deepdishpizzatutu (deep-dish-pizza-tu-tu). Deepdishpizzatutu prevailed due to the power absorbed from his loyal worshippers. Their monuments, which allowed them to focus their psychic power and aid their god, can still be seen today in the form of stacks of flat tires reaching toward the heavens along the highway.

Founded in 1803, 30 years before the city itself, the early CPD was a roaming group of former U.S. presidents headed by Thomas Jefferson. By the mid 1850s, operating under the orders of King Richard Daley I, the CPD soon became a volunteer task-force for the eradication of homeless people, Canadians, and the Irish.

Lake Michigan was created when the O'Leary Cow detonated the first controlled nuclear reaction in 1871, which occurred at the University of Chicago. It also created all the little suburbs around Chicago where rich Jewish people live. The Atomic Bomb was also designed to kill the Irish as well, as payback for them being pasty and alcoholics.

Another well known school is located just outside downtown Chicago is known as UIC, or the 'University of the Indians and Chinese'. This public research school houses some of the most unsightly architecture the city is known for. Designed by Irish architect Walter Netsch (who was a recovering alcoholic leprechaun at the time), the campus features a tower (University Hall) which was built upside down, several times. Frustrated Netsch finally committed suicide by throwing himself over the edge of the Sears Steeple. (It was later discovered that Walter Netsch was holding the blueprints backwards). The tower contains a pot-o-gold, and many a Chicagoan would try and get it if it weren't for the fact that they were too busy eatin' deh subss (Subway Sandwiches).

The two enormous twin-spiked Minarets: John Hancock Mosque and Sears Steeple (Now called the Willis Tower by smart-asses) were leftovers of the ancient moorish civilization and culture which thrived during the great epoch known as White Flight. This was during the reign of King Martin Luther II. King Martin Luther's illegitimate son, Jesse Jackson, saw the error of his father's ways is now involved in altruistic efforts to make the world a better place. Like that one time he saved that cat out of a tree, he called 25 news networks for a full press conference and said "I got a cat out of a tree and I'm humble."

Then when obama was elected on jan 20 all hell broke loose and the crackers where enslaved and beaten forcing the honkees to make crack for them.They were forced to live in projects such as Cabrini Green the crackers made money selling beer and Marlboro light 100s but other crackers wanted more money so they formed gangs such the the Rich BOYZ who listened to rap such as Big Wayne and Soulja Man . The other gang was Emos Ridaz who listened to rock that made them cut thereself such Good Charleston and Jim vomits World " The Clothes that the gang wear is for the Rich Boyz is polos and those hats that are not 59/50 with short shorts and the Emo Ridaz wore what ever they could could get at a bondage store. The Rich Boyz weapons were my daddys shotgun, hunting rifle and annoying rap music such as T Love Old Joc. Emo Ridas weapons were rags soaked in there own blood most of the people in the gang had aids so it was a weapon they had a truce in the 90s but that ended.

The above paragraph was not written by a Chicagoan, but by a Cheesehead from the United Soviet Socialist Republic of Milwaukee, where they are too busy eating cheese to add commas or periods. Here in Chicago, the Illinois Grammar Nazi party has gained political influence. Thus, if he was a Chicagoan, he would've learned how to punctuate his sentences, otherwise he would've been killed by the Chicago Police Force.

edit 1900s-2000s

edit The not-so great Chicago floods

While sleeping in the abandoned subways under Chicago in 1993, Oprah's water broke, and the massive wave of placenta juices flooded every basement in Chicago killing many garage bands, but they sucked, so nobody beyond the city limits cares. Later, Chicago's Little Village neighborhood. Then on July 24th, 2010, clowns and pranksters working at a sewage facility in west suburban Stickney reversed the flow of sewage during an early morning rainstorm, creating a sewage tsunami that flooded thousands of basements with raw sewage in Cicero, Berwyn, Stickney, Forest View, and Chicago's Little Village neighborhood.

edit The Twisting Terror

In 2007, plans were finalized for the construction of the 'Chicago Birthday Candle', a 2,000 foot tall residential skyscraper made of Crest toothpaste and birthday cake. Apparently, these plans were approved after Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell both agreed that the nearby Trump International Hotel and Tower construction site would not be a suitable spot for O'Donnell's collection of toothpaste and cake, collected from her backside following a bakery incident in Los Angeles. Also, Colgate didn't approve, and filed a copyright claim against it.

edit Lifestyle

Chicago is renowned for its minarchist style hands-off approach to government, which started in California. It was recently rated one of the least restrictive cities in the United States.[1] Many people migrate to the city in order to be free from the wrath of paternalism, socialism, and economic protectionism that has overtaken the rest of the country. Citizens of Chicago are guaranteed unrestricted fundamental rights such as ownership of firearms or recreational drug use. Businesses enjoy minimal regulation on their practices without worrying about fines, such as smoking in bars or restaurant food laws and may set prices according to what the market will bear. Up and coming corporations flock to Chicago to take advantage of the unrestricted zoning and low taxes. Of course, every now and then a new ordinance comes up to give citizens a nudge in the "right direction" as determined by society's best interests.

Chicagoland is also known for it's tremendously fast paced lifestyle. So fast paced that the average workweek in Chicagoland is 60 hours! In many areas, it is so fast paced that not only is there no Sabbath, but people are sleeping way too few hours! Some areas are so fast paced, their residents get no more than 6 hours of sleep. Slower paced people are either technically spanked and whipped to speed up, or they get fired. People who stumble under the fast pace are ruthlessly left behind.

In a normal city, the people in the suburbs are usually nicer and more social than people in the city. But Chicagoland is the exact polar opposite of that. Not only are Chicagoans not nice or friendly people, but Chicago suburbanites are actually worse than in the city of Chicago. And believe it or not, Chicago's collar county area (DuPage, Lake, Kane, Will, and McHenry counties), and even places as far flung as Sycamore and DeKalb, is the snob capital of the whole continent of North America! And that very literally includes the USA, Canada, and Mexico. People in Chicago's collar county area are not only worse than the city people, they can be even downright aggressive towards anyone who does not live immediately next door to them. Chicagoland has that type of upside down social atmosphere where the safer and quieter a neighborhood is, the meaner and more aggressive the locals of that neighborhood are towards even people that are just passing through.

Chicagoland is also known highly for it's population of snotty, fake, plastic, and immature women who look only for Will Smith when they are looking for a boyfriend. For Chicagoland women, looks and physical appearance mean nothing if the man is not rich. In the best situation, a low income man may initially hook up with a woman successfully, but once the Chicagoland woman learns that her bofriend is not rich, she ruthlessly dumps him coldly, leaving him on the edge of tears and shattering his ego like a beer bottle dropped onto concrete pavement from ten thousand feet up.

Crime is a very serious problem in Chicago, especially the city's west and south sides. About a hundred or so street gangs do shootings and turf wars daily, often even catching innocent people in the crossfire, sometimes they even attack innocent people on purpose. And they include some nasty gangs such as the Latin Kings, the Gangster Disciples, the Mickey Cobras, and the Four Corner Hustlers. And in fact, the Latin Kings gang is so violent and so nasty that it has earned itself a spot on the top 5 toughest street gangs on the TV program "That's Tough."

Another thing that makes Chicago known is it's tremendously high taxes and costs. Sales tax is about 10 percent, food and touristy areas are very expensive, and it is even said that a visit to Chicago will lay a beating on your wallet.

There are 6 different kinds of people in Chicago. -Rich white guys -Rich GAY white guys -Hot Chicago Girls -Awkward Immigrants who own stores and yell "CHEEZBORGER!CHEEZBORGER!CHEEZBORGER!CHEEZBORGER!" -Hooligans -Confused fat people from Milwaukee wondering how they got to Chicago.

Chicago has too many sports teams.

-Da Bollss -Da Beass -Da Wheit Cocks -Da Cubss -Da Blaik Cocks -Da Feer -Da Belli Baeeststs -Da Lucky Charms

All of them except for the Cubs are filled with giant black people with the ability to move things with their minds. The Cubs were created as a scientific experiment started by Blagoyavich to see what would happen if you transplanted babie's brains into baseball player's heads. It was, of course, to generate revenue for Rod himself.

edit Economy

Chicagoland runs on what is known as a corruption based economy. In theory, everyone in Chicagoland holds a state sponsored job, we call these people Union Members. These Union Members are in turn supported by the fabled and most likely imaginary farmers in southern Illinois (which is almost certainly itself apocryphal). Since only the votes of Union Members count in Illinois the mayor stays in power.

Highest taxes in the country. 10.25% in the city. A 10cent extra tax applied to every bottle of water sold. $10 packs of ciggaretes in Downtown! A minimum tip of 20% on taxi rides. Don't give me bullshit on that.

Highest gasoline prices in the country. $4.40 a gallon for unleaded gasoline!

A large percentage of these corrupt "Union Members", as well as many of their useless relatives, pretend to work for the Chicago transit authority.

edit Climate

Chicago's climate constantly changes. In summer, most people are stuck to the asphalt because it is so freaking hot and humid. Skip fall. And in winter, polar bears migrate from there, to the north pole, and people, have to hibernate in winter, which is why they are so fat in summer. Winters are cold, long and brutal, with an average January high of just 12 above zero Fahrenheit and low of 5 below zero. And winter averages 5 months in length, most commonly the months of November, December, January, February, and March.

edit The South Side

Chicago's "South Side" is actually located in the North of the city. This naming scheme was created primarily to prevent crime tourists from finding it and gentrifying the shit out of it.

Actual Facts about the South Side:

• Moo and Oink is responsible for 39% of Chicago's GDP.
• Italian beef sandwiches are no longer sold on the southside since the Italians were smart enough to get the hell out many years ago.
• Everybody has a job, because Southsiders just LOVE to work, and those who don't, know someone in local government.
• Wonderful places, beautfiul places
• Southsiders are evnironmentalists becasue they do not drive. Instead they wait on every corner for a bus; Earth thanks you!
• In the free time, after a long, hard day at work, Southsiders enjoy their hobbies; such as shooting people or taking care of business unrecognized by the IRS
• As a reward for hard work, from the South Side loving Mayor Daley, all southsiders receive food stamps so they can spend money on other things instead of just food - for example Alcohol or just speical treats imported from Florida
• When entering the South Side, one must predominantly display your gang colors so as not to be shot by one's own gang.
• You will never need an iPod with you; everyone plays extremely loud music with base to the max from their cars; occasionaly performing the tribal dances on gas stations
• Schools on the South Side care about their students very much; they do not make students wear backpacks or carry books to school so they do not injure themselves while climbing a tree on their way
• In order to cope with the thirst of South siders, there is a liquor store on almost every intersection
• They do not want the Chicago 2016 Olympics; they fear that the construction of the stadium and the international center on the Sotuh Side will end up in demolishing their beatuful, safe and squeaky clean neighborhoods
• In order to support the southsiders, Chicago has the highest taxes in the country; 11.25% in downtown and 10.25% in the rest of the city. All of this because we need to support Southsiders and build them a library to improve their incredibly high literacy scores. Soon we're gonna pay for the dirty air we breath in...
• Suburbanites who would never visit the rougher areas on the south side in a million years, except to buy drugs or sex, get their jollies out of making fun of the poor, mostly minority people who have to live there.

edit CTA

The CTA is the local transit agency of the Kingdom of Chicago, dedicated to wasting tax dollars and overcharging the public, by transporting people to where they don't want to go, by the least efficient route possible.

CTA's routings go through Weehawken New Jersey, Ottumwa Iowa, and Green Bay Wisconsin, for no reason, other than the routing director likes the scenery there. While the routings go through these places, the CTA will occasionally FREEZE so everybody can clap their hands. Besides that no stops are made there, due to the risk of infecting these places with the incurable disease, Chicago Politics.

The CTAs road vehicles range from oxcarts to fairly modern buses, all of which smell like oxcarts. It also uses Ton-Ton's and Yoshis for travel. The CTA also runs several rail transit lines, on inconvenient schedules, which smell like rolling urinals (like the rest of Chicago).

edit Nicknames

The Breaking Wind City Chi-Town Shit-Town "The City of Big Shoulders, Tight Panties" "The City That Works (Except For The Chicago Fire, The Haymarket Riot, The 1968 Democratic National Convention, The 3,000,000 pan-handlers, And The Chicago Flood)." Oprahland City of unemployed south-siders Spiceville That nice, intimate wonderland just south of the border The City That Always Stinks Chicano Spicago Corrupticago The Frozen Sewer Shitcago Shit-Taco Shitcaca Political status; Destroyed and beyond repair All work and no play all 8,766 hours a year Snobville "You want taxes??!!! I'll give you TAXES!!!" The farther you go from the city proper, the worse the social atmosphere gets The upside down city America's underwear

Mexicago Chicanoland Mexico City by the Lake Hog Freedom Front for the World Fuck You, New York The Couch-Jumping Capital of the World The Big Potato (or some kind of vegtable or somthing) The Basketball Capital of the World (1984 until 1999) City of Bad Haircuts Crook County Mudhole on the Prairie The Frozen Swamp GET ME OUT YOU BITCH ! The city of waitresses that mess up orders and give people the wrong food The land where only the richest and fittest have a chance The home of fake, plastic, and immature women First she accepted me and then she dumped me and broke my heart Brrr!!! It's cold enough outside to freeze the innards of a wolly mammoth! The place where it is illegal to interact with new people in public

edit Chicago Police Department

The Chicago Police Dept. is the most menacing of all municipal police forces in the western hemisphere. Known for their powder-blue riot helmets, the CPD has a long and vibrant history in the city. The Chicago Police don't play. As of 2000, 99.2% of the of the Chicago Police are lesbians, which is the reason for the ferocity of the department.

edit Riots Successfully Ended by the CPD

• 1871 - O'Leary Cow Stampede: 9 tourists trampled to death. (see also Running of the Bulls)
• 1905 - South Side Roast Beef Riots: Eight deaths, four injuries
• 1928 - Lincoln Park Elementary School Chewing Gum Riots: Forty-eight third graders clubbed to death. Police however ignored the drunk 8th graders.
• 1968 - N/A
• 1970 - Deep Dish Pizza Riots
• 1979 - Disco Demolition Riots: Bloodiest riot in Chicago history. Over 200 members of the anti-disco group, The insane Coho lips, were bludgeoned to death by the 1000 CPD officers called to the event. Radio personality Steve Dahl was executed for organizing the event.
• 1982 - Italian Beef Riots-When Mother Theresa dined at Pizzeria Trenta-Sei after easily winning the America's Cup with Tony Montana and Beavis she said that Italian Beef "Tastes Like dog shit mixed with toxic waste." It set off a riot in the Lincoln Park area by groups of angry Gay Norwegians. Four cops were able to quell the fight after passing out free packs of Chuckles, and nachos.
• 1997 - Jordan Retirement Riots
• 2005 - King Daley II indictment celebratory riots, 26 dead, 300 injured, all infants.
• 2007 - Riot that followed the visitation of a UFO over Chicago. Bush was arrested for causing it.
• 2008 - Obama's victory rally riot. 326 dead. All killed by angry McCain supporters.
• 2009-2010 - Anti-Olympic Riots. Started after the IOC chose Chicago to be the next Olympic city. Thank god the rioters won and Chicago didn't deserve to host the 2016 Olympics. Luckily the Chicagoans had the power to divert to Olympics to Rio de Janeiro![2]

edit Trivia

• Chicago was once called the city of "broad lawns and narrow minds" by Ernest Hemingway.
• Chicago, Illinois, Richard M. Daley, His Magnificence Daley II, Mayor of Chicago is one of metropolitan Joliet's larger suburbs.

• A musical group named Chicago took its name from the suburb. It was originally called the Joliet Transit Authority, but changed its name after dyslexic fans kept calling them the Toilet Transit Authority.
• The Chicago Bears are an endangered species of omnivorous ursine native to the Great Lakes area. The black market trade in Chicago Bearskin flourishes to this day, with smugglers disguising their shipments as pigskin. Attempts to breed the species in captivity result in triumph year after year - see Chicago Cubs.
• Oprah Winfrey is a resident of the city. What, you've never heard of her? She is the wife of comedian Dave Chappelle.

  “I'm pregnant, Dave. Yes I'm sure!”

  ~ Oprah Winfrey on Dave Chappelle

“You cookin', bitch?!”

~ Dave Chappelle on cooking

• The infamous Wattagecat calls Chicago home.
• In the early 'oughties, a group of investors went broke after funding a Broadway musical named for the suburb. The tale of a young woman and her loving husband comparing mortgage rates on a new McMansion was a hit with accountants, however.
• Chicagolanders speak against complainers as if this were North Korea.

“Okay, you're gonna have to leave!”

~ Chicagoland bar/club bouncer to social butterfly guy interacting with gals

• In a last-ditch effort to avoid bankruptcy, the accountants at Enron published figures showing that the musical was a hit, which led to the filming of the movie version of the doomed production. When the truth was discovered by McGruff The Crime Dog, it caused the Dot-Com Bust.
• Chicago was the birth place of the greatest song ever written or ever will be written.
• Chicagoland is not immune to tornadoes, and even the local weather man says that one day an F-5 tornado could slam downtown Chicago. And if that tornado takes the right path through especially Chicago proper, with all the irrepairable corruption in Chicago and in Cook County, the aftermath of the tornado will very likely be the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans times 100, perhaps even higher. And if that tornado were to hit the Sears Tower, the building would twist, crumple, and then come crashing right down to the ground. Core, steel frames, stairwells, offices, windows, elevator shafts, and all.
• Chicago is the only city to ever be recreated in any flight simulators. Any other city seen in a flight sim is just a clone of Chicago.
• (DuPage, Lake, Kane, McHenry, and Will counties) Snobby, plastic, immature people abound everywhere!
• Chicago and Rome, Italy shares the same latitude of 42 degrees north. Navigators tried to walk around that line and never succeeded.
• The street Foster Avenue was named after anti-Ronald Reagan fanatics for ones who are in love with Jodie Foster.
• The Sears Tower will eventually be renamed the Spears Tower to honor the world's diva, Britney Spears. The two antennas of the skyscraper can be used as stripper poles. This should attract more visitors to this famous landmark.
• The movie Timmy the Toilet Eating Bastard goes to Downtown Chicago takes place in Chicago, despite being filmed in Russia.

edit Cuisine

Chicago is known for having excellent food, despite being the worlds largest consumer of Goat and Iguana meat. Some of the local specialties include:

• Chicago Style Hot Dogs - small boiled combination iguana and goat meat sausage, served on an oversized bland white bun, and covered with all of the following condiments: celery salt, glow-in-the-dark green relish, pickles, cucumber, eye of newt, sport peppers, battery acid, dayglo yellow mustard, tomatoes, eggplant, toe of frog, chili, lettuce, onions, rutabaga, red cabbage, barbeque sauce, sauerkraut, axle grease, coleslaw, potato salad, baked beans, limburger cheese, candle wax, chicken soup, and worchestershire sauce...But NO KETCHUP!!!
• Chicago Style Pizza - A round hunk of edible cardboard, slathered with ketchup, and covered in goat sausage and melted goat cheese.
• Deep Dish Pizza - a round edible cardboard tub, burnt thoroughly, and filled with 5 pounds of unidentifiable melted cheese, iguana sausage, and a teaspoon of ketchup.
• Italian Beef - Filet of iguana, boiled in it's own juices, served thinly sliced on Italian bread.
• Italian Sausage - Goat meat sausage, grilled, and served on Italian bread with Italian beef style sauce.
• Maxwell Street Polish - Sausage of non-Polish origin, normally made of a mixture of ground rat, racoon, coyote, dog, cat, possum, and squirrel. May also contain the flesh of any animal that has recently died at the local zoos. Grilled over a fire of used motor oil, and served on stale Italian bread, with grilled onions and barbeque sauce. Notable among "Chicago" foods as containing no goat or iguana meat.

Consumption of the following foods within the Chicago city limits will result in the summoning of the Chicago Food Patrol SWAT-team/Firing squad, and the immediate summary execution of the offender(s):

• Hot dog with Ketchup.
• Pâté de foie gras (French equivalent of the hot dog, made from the liver of overfed geese).
• Hot dog with foie gras.
• Foie gras with hot dog.

edit Landmarks & Attractions

Main article: Landmarks & Attractions in Chicago

The Shit Aquarium Chicago Sanitary & Shit Canal Sears/K-Mart Tower Adler Planetarium Soldier Field Millennium Park University of Illinois at Chicago, a glorified bomb-shelter that houses numerous college-aged kids and terrorists. Navy Pier The I-90/94/290 Circle Interchange The "L" (rapid trasit system,not to be confused with the flag which usually flies over Wrigley Field) United Center - home of Chicago Bullshits and Chicago Black Hawk Downs Verison AT&T-Mobile Field - home of the Chicago Vanilla Sex Wrigley Field - where the Chicago Scrubs play Field Museum

The Kremlin Mike Dickhead's Restaurant Harry Ferry's Restaurant Oprah's condominiums Fuckingham Fountain The Jerry Springer Studio Chinatown, where you can buy cheap pirated DVDs for 99 cents Museum of Scientology Rod Blago-you-bitch's boyhood home in Chicago's northwest side Coming soon: The Barack Obama Museum of Song and Dance Coming soon: The World's Tallest Birthday Candle and Drill Bit Coming soon: 24K Gold Mark Prior statue Coming soon: Shani Davis Speed Skating Arena

edit Chicago Neighborhoods

Main article: Chicago Neighborhoods

Chicago has many neighborhoods each with their own unique character.

• Albany Park - Former home of the Tower of Babel.
• Andersonville - Epicenter of Chicago's large Swedish lesbian population.
• Armour Square - Right next to Bridgeport, home to Chicago's second most popular beer garden US Cellular (aka Comiskey) Park.
• Austin - Home of the 60's African-American riots, so everything is burned down and in shitty condition.
• Beverly - AKA "The World's Largest Frat", Beverly is home to every stereotypical "douchebag" known to man. On any given night of the week one many find herds of white young men wearing polo shirts (with popped collars), holding 24 packs of "Natty Ice", while referring to each other as "bros". Most are nocturnal and tend to congregate in any of the local parks after midnight.
• Bridgeport - Less racist than it was in the sixties, which says little. Only place in the city where you can walk down the street and see a hipster ironically wearing a shirt with a cartoon on it from the 80's and a white trash girl unironically wearing a tweetie bird shirt waiting too long for the same bus. (Correction the white trash girl will never leave Bridgeport, she's just waiting there until someone gives her a menthol cigarette)
• Clearing - A comfy area on the south west side of sturdy homes and well kept lawns, where children are lulled to sleep by the calming sound of jet planes flying fifty feet over their cozy bedrooms.
• Craigin - Where the Polish thrive, and where the mexicans run off to. Mostly to escape to little village and pilsen.
• Dearborn Park - Located just south of the Loop, this leafy enclave is home to thousands of suburbanites who just like to say "I live in the city." Completely walled off from reality, there is but one entrance and this is closely guarded by the association's private security police.
• Edison Park - The neighborhood's slogan is, "The whitest neighborhood you know." Also former home of Hillary Clinton.
• Edgebrook - A nice neighborhood on the North Side.
• Edgewater - The highrises on the east side of the neighborhood are home to many senior citizens, giving the neighborhood it's unofficial motto "Edgewater, where people come to die".
• Englewood - Death comes quickly here. A rejected American Idol turned Hollywood star Jennifer Hudson spend her childhood here.
• Forest Glen - Home of Sauganash where there's a ton of Indian people.
• Humboldt Park - Where twenty somethings who think it's edgy to get shot at move. The old german building in the park is home to the Puerto Rican cultural center.
• Hyde Park - Home of the world famous University of Chicago, its thousands of students are home to billions of IQ points. Sadly outside of one narrow field they are as shallow as you or I. Children unfortunate enough to be raised in Hyde Park have social consciousness and a huge inferiority complex vis a vis the north side, making the girls really easy. Adopted home of Barack Obama, for a while.
• Irving Park- Half Polish, Half Hispanic, like every other neighborhood on the northwest side.
• Jefferson Park- The eponymous 7-acre park is the only remotely fun thing here. Good times. Also home to the Jefferson Park Transit Center where Homeless People thrive.
• Lake View - Silly suburbanites call it Wrigleyville, for Wrigley Field where dreams don't come true. Also the favorite haunt of self styled teenage punk rockers who know of no better way of sticking to the man than sitting in a parking lot and eating a donut.
• Lincoln Park - WARNING Obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He be climbing in your windows, snatching your people up (or having sex with them and then having them realize the embarrassment it will cause them, considering they live with their brother, and cry rape). It should be mentioned that in Lincoln Park, "rape" means "taking a nap with"
• Little Village - The real mexican neighborhood, where hipsters are afraid to go.
• Lincoln Square - Not to be confused with Lincoln Park, the residents of this neighborhood are slightly less annoying.
• Logan Square - Where the twenty somethings are too cool for Wicker Park move.
• The Loop - The many tall building and bridges is the name for downtown Chicago. Named after the great roller coaster that meanders its way through its streets. After the first drop, the coaster makes one large loop, followed by three corkscrew turns.
• Mayfair - Home of Rod Blagovich, and other surly old men.
• Mount Greenwood - The South Side Irish still lives here, and only here now.
• Norwood Park - A nice blue collar, working-class, happy neighborhood on the North Side... and the place where the serial killer John Wayne Gacy used to live.
• Pilsen - Where twenty somethings and Mexicans who think it's edgy to live in a neighborhood with more tortilla factories than trees move.
• Rogers Park - Chill people, but no one has ever returned from here, it's basically the north pole.
• South Loop - They're lying. This has nothing to do with either the Loop or the South Side. Thrown up by greedy developers at the height of the housing frenzy, this god-forsaken section of Chicago is now home to hundreds of unoccupied high rise condo units, empty storefronts where restaurants gamely tried to make a go of it, and more nail shops per capita than any other area of Chicago. The only good news is that you can't get in or out of the area since it is completely devoid of public transporation.
• Uptown - Up from downtown, home to Chicago's 2nd Chinatown, which is actually Vietnamese or something, but really what's the difference?
• West Ridge - Home of where Indians from the burbs come and practice parallel parking before spending a night j-walking all over Devon street.
• Wicker Park - Where the twenty somethings are too cool for Lincoln Park move.
• Washington Park - Typical neighborhood on the South Side, don't get shot.

edit Suburbs of Chicago

Main article: Suburbs of Chicago

The suburbs of Chicago stretches as far as Milwaukee, the northern suburb of Chicago, as well as Porter County, Indiana. Their main cultural attractions are two Ikeas and many EZ pass toll booths.

• Addison - This is the aborted brother of Madison, Wisconsin. The abortion was a failure and now everyone who lives there is ugly. There is also a Dave and Busters here. S'NICE!
• Algonquin - Despite the implications of its name, this city no longer is a home to any Native Americans. Instead, it is home to rich, snobby people who think they're so nice because they live in about 24 different countries! Also, the extremely long Algonquin Road runs about 217.52 miles before ending a the west city limits of Algonquin's west neighbor, Huntley.
• Alsip - Home of Griffith Laboratories, where racist supervisors practice their stupidity.
• Antioch - Aahh! Wal-Mart has taken over. Run!
• Arlington Heights - I once won money at the race track here. It's located 50 feet below sea level.
• Aurora - The second largest city in Illnois. One step further west and you hit farmland. Luckily the city has a high Mexican population. How else would the corn, wheat, and soybeans be harvested?
• Bannockburn - Wonderful forests, a great high-school, and - There's a rapist here, isn't there?
• Barrington - THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN THE WORLD LIVE HERE!!!! You're not a man unless you drive a Benz from MoterWerks, wear a sharp Barney's suit, and go to work while your wrinkling trophy wife takes it up the poop chute from one of your daughter's boyfriends. Or two.
• Barrington Hills - Barrington's bro... Property values are a god-given birth right. I'll sue your ass, railroad.
• Bartlett - Also known as Buttlet. Main attraction: National Pear Museum.
• Batavia - It is one of the technology center and classified places in the world. Employees in Fermilab keeps sending classified information anything nuclear to the terrorists in the Middle East.
• Bedford Park - Full of skinheads. Oi Oi Oi! And fags.
• Beach Park - No beaches, just nuclear power plants, and marshes that smell like poop.
• Beecher - Ironically no beaches here, just redneck hillbillies.
• Bellwood - The honeymoon capital of Illinois.
• Bensenville - Once a thriving community of German immigrants. Now mostly industrial and Hispanic. 1/4 of Bensenville will soon be a runway for nearby O'Hare Airport. Home of that auto wrecking place that's been running the same commercial since the mid '80s. Literally.
• Berkeley - World renowned as the home of the University of California.
• Berwyn - Parking violations in Berwyn will result in your car being ticketed, towed, and jammed onto a large metal spike. On May 22nd, 2000, Berwyn became a military lockdown zone patrolled by tanks, humvees, and hand grenade and AK-47 wielding soldiers because of an expelled student seen near Morton West High School.
• Big Rock - Don't blink.
• Bloomingdale - The University of Las Vegas is in this city. Part of the highly efficient, highway oriented Schaumburg-Streamwood-Bartlett area paradise of pavement.
• Blue Island - The former home of Hollywood heavyweight Gary Sinise and musical legend Kanye West. It has been noted that there is no God in Blue Island. Blue Island is a good place to lay down on some railroad tracks. People come from afar to enjoy Blue Island's infamous eatery: Taco Bell. It's not actually blue, nor is it an island. Some people are just really bad at naming things.
• Bolingbrook - Possibly the ONLY place in America where middle-class people of all ethnic background, religions and lifestyles will get along well. Do NOT be surprised to see a metalhead, a hipster and a Rap fan get along well.
• Braidwood - Just LOVE the power plant here. Hey idiot, the Power Plant is NOT in Braidwood. Its in good ole' Braceville, durr.
• Bridgeview - The largest Arab community in Illinois outside of Detroit, Michigan. The Arab terrorists has classified plans to take the Chicago skyline down. Halal meals are served in this village.
• Broadview - Great place to view broads. Town Motto is "Show us your TITS!!!"
• Brookfield - See "Bedford Park" Brookfield was considered to be nuked, but the building of La Cabanita Burritos brought it to a halt.
• Buffalo Grove - The gymnastics capital of Illinois. Also the lonely housewife capital of Illinois. The two are not exclusive. Also quite a bit of Jews here too. Don't forget this was where John Deere invented the plow!
• Bull Valley - A wealthy community whose primary source of municipal revenue is traffic fines. Do not speed in Bull Valley. While Bull valley has only two police officers (Andy and Barney), they will ticket you for going 1 MPH over the posted limit and they always show up in court. Coincidentally, Bull Valley's police station is in the Stickney House, whose original owner built it with round corners to facilitate communication with the dead.
• Burbank - Sorry folks, you're in the wrong location, Jay Leno doesn't live here. A trick set up by Niggas thinking your in Burbank, California (Near Hollywood) but you're actually in the ghetto since it's full of Poor people.
• Burlington - Not even part of Chicagoland.
• Burnham - Wonderful slice of depressed purgatory, named after the great civil engineering genius Daniel Burnham as a reminder of happier times.
• Burr Ridge - Home to the McMansion.
• Calumet City - So many stray bullets, so little time.
• Calumet Park - Very nice people to knock your teeth out if you are ever in need. along with some stray bullets.
• Campton Hills - Came in to existence after by seceding from St. Charles after the civil war of Kane County. A place where St. Charles and Geneva youth can go to toke up with only the risk of a fine.
• Carol Stream - Not much different from Streamwood.
• Carpentersville - It was named in order to honor the pop group The Carpenters, especially the late Karen Carpenter. Just down the road from Plumberstown.
• Cary - Although located near Chicago, it is about as urban as unpopulated areas of Kentucky. For now.
• Channahon - Home of Illinois' second-best baseball team.
• Chicago Heights - One of the many "hoods" of suburban Chicago
• Chicago Ridge - Similar to Chicago Heights, but a lot better chance of not getting shot by Mexicans.
• Cicero - Formerly the bedroom community of the Chicago Mafia, commuting distance to most good body-dumping locations. Now, millions of Mexican illegal immigrants flock to this crusty little suburb. Good luck, amigos. All billboards and shop names are written in Español. Most students in high school are Mexican. Nobody speaks English. The cicero police move like a sleepy tortoise. Home to Morton College, where the muffin tops and cottage cheese thighs are always available for your viewing pleasure! Home of lots of dangerous latino street gangs which replaced wiseguys.
• Clarendon Hills - A town where every street begins with "Wisteria" and ends in "Lane."
• Country Club Hills -A white suburb turned extremely dark. When one takes a deep breath in cc hills one can get high from the blunt smoke.
• Countryside - Birthplace of Smokey the Bear.
• Crestwood - Don't drink the water. Fidel Castro's Polish brother was mayor for 68 years, but then passed the sword to his son. Also, it was recently dubbed "C-Hood" for its recent increase in racial diversity.
• Crystal Lake - Illinois' gay and lesbian community.
• Darien - Supposedly a nice place to live. When passing through Darien, you get lost and spend a bunch of fucking time trying to figure out how to get back to Interstate 55.
• Deerfield - This city was named after the show, "Yes Dear." They are not good speelers in Deerfield. Regional nexus for high-priced, low-mpg SUVs driven by high-maintenance, low-IQ moms and their high-strung, low-morals princess daughters.
• Deer Park - 97% of this town is used as a shopping mall.
• Des Plaines - The only well-known landmark in this town on earth is the first McDonald's. It is also one of the fattest places in Illinois. Serial child killer John Wayne Gacy is from here. This city is subject to flood every year. Also home to the infamous Suicide Circle, where millions of Americans flock every year to get hit by a car.
• Dixmoor - Town was formerly called DixMoon, named after Dix, local female bartender known for flashing her fat ass at anyone and everyone. Part of the N Fell off the sign, and since no one in town could spell "N", they changed the town name to match the sign.
• Dolton - You know it's just like Compton, fool!Formerly known as Dolt's Town.
• Downers Grove - Town of near fifty thousand afflicted with Down Syndrome among many other chromosomal abnormalities. Also the home of Emo Philips, probably not coincidentally. Also the home of one of nearly 2 dozen Hooters restaurants where taking pictures of or with the hooters girls, and even just mere posession of a camera, is totally prohibited by Illinois state law.
• East Dundee - Every year, hundreds of houses slide into the Fox River because of some fatass jumping up and down here.
• East Hazel Crest - Every bit a meaningless as Hometown.
• Elburn - Considered by many to be the biggest sea of white people since the Republican National Convention in 1976 in Kansas.
• Elgin - This city is famous and well known internationally because it is one of the only two cities in the world which has a river running through it. The other city is Texas. Touching the river causes a slow and painful situation of lockjaw and the giardia virus. Thousands of sophisticated urban 30-somethings are leaving Chicago to live in 800 thousand dollar condos next to the famous Fox Sewage Flow. The Elgin-Ohare Expressway doesn't go here.
• Elk Grove Village - The most German place in Illinois. neo-Nazi German immigrants help eliminate farm lands and built thousands of industrial buildings and making it the one of the polluted and toxic suburb of the Chicagoland. But the mostly toured attraction in Elk Grove is the mark of the 42° North latitude and 88° West longitude meeting point, which makes the local neighbors bothered about tourists flocking to this known to be famous landmark. The 88 degree latitude shares a village with West Allis, Wisconsin. Hundreds of little hardcore kids flock to this town on the weekends to dance around to grind core music. A group of intimidating men in their underwear lead this movement.
• Elmhurst - Think's it's so friggin' great because it has the Illinois Prairie Path. Well guess what, Elmhurst, your days are numbered!
• Elmwood Park - The place where 200 idiots were hit and killed by a high speed train, after they all stopped their vehicles on the railroad tracks at the same time on Thanksgiving day 2005. Their relatives all sued the local bus company, claiming the drivers were distracted by an outdoor orgy that was happening at a nearby bus stop. Home of Italian Guido Mafia gangsters, which are some of the actually remaining white Gangstas in the world.
• Evanston - The richest part of Chicago. Fag and Dyke rights capital of Illinois. Also known as the Illinois' little Hollywood. Also home of the infamous Northwestern University. Be careful when near the Northwestern campus, the students there are known to prey on small children and indie kids. Mr. T lives in Evanston and killed his neighbor with a chainsaw after the neighbor complained over Mr. T cutting down trees in his backyard. Serious! Look it up!
• Evergreen Park - Clinging like a barnacle to the city line of Chicago, famous for the Evergreen Park Mall and its giant Christmas tree. Probably now replaced by a cheerful Kwanzaa display.
• Flossmoor - I live on a golf course!
• Ford Heights - The shit capital of Illinois. The name comes from both the shitty Ford cars that are made there, and the smell of the air. Ford Heights is also as dangerous as the Fort Staunton neighborhood in Liberty City, Grand Theft Auto 3.
• Forest View - Located in between the half-block crevice between 46th Street and the Oil Spill Capital of the World. Don't blink or you might miss it. Also, come here during hunting season.
• Fox Lake - An island in the middle of a sparkling clean lake. The whole town is a bar or "inn" located on this island. Population is fat obnoxious white trash. If you come up for the Memorial Day, Labor Day and/or Fourth of July don't get so loaded around the water or you might drown.
• Fox River Grove - "Holy fuck! Train!" -an hero
• Frankfort - capital of Kentucky, renowned for its racism and 1890s charm. A minority can get pulled over in Frankfort for breathing. Home of Lincoln Gay East High. A gross misuse of state funds (a two million dollar football field) enables this school to rape its taxpayers.
• Franklin Park -
• Geneva - Home to a seemingly 1,500 year old windmill that doesn't work. The leading cause of death in this town, is because so many 35 - 80 year old people ride their bikes in to the river, trying to have "recreational fun".
• Gilberts - Liver problems abound.
• Glen Ellyn - You have to pay a f**king lot to live here. The price for most homes here are about the same as.....Queen Elizabeth's Palace. Lots of movies are shot here, leading America to think Chicago teens grow up amongst landscaping and prosperity. In the 1800's was named Danby and was known for high class whore houses next to the train station. Name was changed when they dumped the whorehouses and moved upscale. Home to College of DuPage, which has plenty of eye-candy women that, if approached in any way, will get you a tiny little room in that big red brick fortress next door to the DuPage County Fairgrounds.
• Glencoe - The greenest and environment friendly place in Illinois. Famous for the "G-Town" Ghetto.
• Glendale Heights - Illinois' Filipino village.
• Glenview - This is used to be the leading military community of Illinois, with elements of US Navy aviation operating at Naval Air Station Glenview until the hippies won and the base was closed in 1995, and Glenview is now a de-militarized zone. The base was turned into pricey housing units and a shopping area. Consistent with the "NIMBY" mindset of most modern Glenview residents, they protested the plans of a sporting goods store to carry guns, despite there once being aircraft with nuclear weapons on that very soil. Not to be confused with Glen Ellyn/Wheaton, Glencoe, Glendale Heights, Glen Danzig, or Naperville.
• Glenwood - HOME OF GWP an infamous gang known for their ruthlessness and most times reffered to as VIKINGS.
• Golf - A carved out village of Glenview, This was named after a favorite sport. No downtown but a post office. Even though Golf is too small to have roads, the town's economy is based entirely on speeding tickets.
• Grayslake - A collection of houses in search of a town. Primarily known for a main business strip that has all the businesses disguised as private homes.
• Green Oaks - No trees here.
• Greenwood -
• Gurnee - Also known as Disneyland North. Six Flags Great America is bigger than Disneyland. A moving Sears Tower, the fake space shuttle are the major attractions there. Gurnee Mills is like their Mall of America, except not. It's shaped like a big Z. Whatever store you want to go to is always on the other end of the Z from where you are, and between the two points there are a hundred and ninety seven traffic-blocking mall kiosks selling cell phone accessories, fake designer perfume and sunglasses, and gaudy body jewelry. There are also approximately six thousand people - swaggering gangbangers, white-trash trailer park moms with snotty-nosed kids, and Mexican families traveling in slow-moving, oblivious, aisle-wide clots - between you and wherever you want to be.
• Hainesville -
• Hampshire - A little town in the middle of nowhere. balls balls balls balls balls balls balls balls of Steel!
• Hanover Park - The quite-proclaimed Canadian place in Illinois. There is small neighborhood called Ontarioville: that means Hanover Park is mostly populated by Canadians eh? Western terminus of the appropriately-named Elgin-O'Hare Expressway.
• Harvard - Home of the Northern Illinois Center for Bovine Divinity. The residents hold an annual worship festival, "Milk days" in which offerings of milk are laid at the feet of the Holy Holstein, the Cow God, "Harmilda". During the Milk Days festival, large breasted women go topless, wearing holstein style body paint, and asking bystanders to "Milk" them. A "Best Udders" compeTITion is also held.
• Harvey - Most crime-ridden suburb in Illinois. Avoid. Actually its second to Ford Heights.
• Hawthorn Woods -
• Hazel Crest - See definition below.
• Harwood Heights - Yet another dinky suburb that doesn't deserve to exist and thrives entirely on speeding ticket revenue.
• Hebron - The witchcraft capital of Illinois. Big topic at the barber shop is the state high school basketball championship back in '68.
• Hickory Hills - Home to the world famous Walmart made entirely out of bacon.
• Hillside - Three Interstate overpasses, Interstate 88, Interstate 290 and Interstate 294 are subject to collapse due to traffic and trolls. This is why they call it the Illinois Trollway. Al Capone is buried in Hillside; according to legend, at midnight when the moon is full, his spirit rises and roams the night wondering where the hell Hillside is.
• Highland Park - Fans pass by Michael Jordan's house and stalk him and his family 24/7 and follow them wherever they go. When you drive through this area, look for the number "23". There are also mega-shnazzy bar/bat mitzvahs.
• Highwood - A small 1950s era suburb which is basically a square mile inside Highland Park. It is much poorer than Highland Park, and the only people that live there are old Italian ladies who haven't moved since the 1950s and the enslaved Mexicans who service the every whim of white people in Highland Park, Libertyville, and Lake Forest.
• Hinsdale - Quite possibly the best town in all of the world, with hot bitches to compliment the extravagant houses. Miles ahead of Oak Brook (poorville) in every aspect.
• Hodgkins - That's were the medical term Hodgkin's disease got its name from. FedEx and UPS rules this village, some packages might contain marijuana or cocaine in them.
• Holiday Hills -
• Hoffman Estates - AKA Hoffman's Mistake. Named after Abbie Hoffman. How do we bring tourists to our barren suburban shithole next to the highway? MINOR LEAGUE HOCKEY STADIUM!!!
• Homer Glen - Homer Simpson's illegitimate child with Glen Beck.
• Hometown - AKA Homotown. According to a 2003 census, there are 755 people here living in 925 cemented-down duplex trailer homes. 800 of them are taking government hand-outs.
• Homewood - The home of the gayest cops in the world. Revenue generated from red light ticket machines. AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
• Huntley - Home to Chicago's first living cemetery, Del Webb's Sun City. Elgin dwellers spend there weekends at the outlet mall where all the defective merchandise is sold.
• Indian Head Park - Site of a historic mass decapitation of Native Americans.
• Inverness - Another stupid town that was a grass field last year. Jesus...

• Indian Creek -
• Island Lake -
• Itasca - Notable for Two Pierce Place (see photo at right), notoriously Chicagoland's most phallic building. Five miles due west of O'Hare Airport; eastern terminus of the aforementioned Elgin-O'Hare Expressway.
• Johnsburg - Originally derived and adopted from a major South African city Johannesburg.
• Joliet - Chicagoland's prison city, it is home of the Stateville Correction Center and prison (aka Fox River) where seven inmates escaped in around 2006 and two out of seven never caught: Michael Scofield and Lincoln Burrows.
• Justice - Where political power buys you freedom. Town motto is "There's no justice in Justice. However, there are a lot of niggers."
• Kaneville -
• Kenilworth - Wealthiest suburb in Illinois. "Please, sir. We are poor Evanstonian children. May we have some of your goodies?"
• Kildeer -
• La Grange - Birthplace of Ron Jeremy and David Hasselhoff, not surprising as they are brothers. Also the place where Laurence Olivier and Oscar Wilde once met by chance, making it the most British place in Chicagoland. Also home to all of the students that go to Lyons Township, who are all either extremely rich (see "Western Springs" or "La Grange") or extremely poor and scummy beyond any human belief (see "Brookfield" or "La Grange Park").
• La Grange Park La Grange's retarded brother. The poorer La Grange, as well as the place people from Brookfield come to die. It is surrounded by forest, and is obscure enough that the admins from Uncyclopedia didn't know it was there and someone had to add it.
• Lake Barrington -Just like Barrington, but snobbier, 'Cuz we gots da LAKE, and you don't'
• Lake Bluff - Lake Forest's retarded little sister.
• Lake Forest - The Malibu of Illinois, where wealthy people hide. Cops are all over the street. So don't bring your rotten car in this area. You are surrounded by materialistic people. What a creative name for a city.
• Lake In The Hills - (abbreviated L.I.T.H.) Noted for its lake nestled within its hills. Except when there there no water in the lake. Then it is called Mud In The Mounds.
• Lake Villa - Every goddamned Canada Goose in all of Lake County lives and shits here.
• Lake Zurich - Sounds Swiss. It's not. See it's OWN article.
• Lakemoor -
• Lakewood - Creative name eh?
• Lansing - Home of the Varkalis Family
• Lemont - See lemon.
• Libertyville - Ironically named town is defined by paternalist and business-protectionist ordinances.
• Lily Lake - Fuck Lily Lake. Someone named "Vagina" probably lives here.
• Lincolnshire - Don't bother, you can't even afford to visit here.
• Lincolnwood - Go Jews!
• Lindenhurst - Suffering from a chronic inferiority complex due to having to share a zip code with Lake Villa, Lindenhurst overcompensates with macho swagger by issuing traffic tickets for violations like 46 in a 45 zone. Lindenhurst is also notable for having a head shop 100 yards from the police station.
• Lisbon -
• Lisle - The suburb with the never-ending road construction. This may be blamed on kickbacks from the mob.
• Lockport - We have a power plant, and shitty Joliet is near by!
• Lombard - Basically a placeholder to prevent the Villa Park rabble from spilling over into Glen Ellyn.
• Long Grove - The only thing "long" about this "grove" (of houses) is how fucking long the fucking streets are, and they just DEAD END. Fuck.
• Lyons - And tigers and bears, oh my!.
• Lynwood - home of the skinny jeans and pillow soft niggas
• Manhattan - Is a cornfield seriously considered a suburb these days?
• Maple Park - You think that this town is still part of Chicagoland!? 33% of Maple Park is part of Kane County, and the rest of it is DeKalb County. But the town still retains the area code 630.
• Marengo - best know for sheltering crackheads and making "having fun" illegally.
• Markham -
• Matteson -
• Maywood - The crime-filled ghetto of Chicago, in the suburbs! How convenient!
• McCook - Origianally the headquarters of McDonald's, but Oak Brook bought it because McCook is only about 1 square mile. It was left with crappy company headquarters, like UOP, EMD, and STD.
• McCullom Lake -
• McHenry - Voted worst place to live in Illinois five times running.
• Medinah - Mohammad's little brother's preferred location of residence.
• Melrose Park - aka Jewel/Osco-land, the Immigration and Naturalization Service are subject to raid the Jewel grocery distribution center once a year. The Mexican and the Italian immigrants are in a fight with each other for the taste of their food.
• Merrionette Park - Home of the worlds oldest, slowest puppet show.
• Mettawa - Very dangerous place to live. At least 800 people die a year here because they sink into the marsh of doom. What? It's true, its population about down to 300 now!
• Millbrook -
• 'Millington - Located in Grundy County, a Justin Timberlake fan incorporated this town, which is named after Millington, Tennessee, the place where he grew up.
• Minooka - The land of shadow, where demons stalk the living and the dead teach high school. Oh, and there's a Circle K here too. Along with the KKK.
• Mokena - Quite possibly a stepford town.
• Monee - Hilljack city!!!!
• Montgomery - See Mr. Burns
• Mooseheart - Suburb of ElkBladder.
• Morton Grove - 2/3 of the population in this village are Jews and 1/3 are Asians including Chinese, Filipino and Korean. Salt capital of the world. Ice is uncommon in Morton Grove.
• Mount Prospect - There was once a fist fight in this city. Elevation: 0. Also mentioned in Blues Brothers for 2.312 seconds.
• Mundelein - Once the location of a major junction of a highly efficient, modern, intercity electric rapid transit system, since turned in to a bike path. Bring a blade on the trail or you will get raped.
• Naperville - Yuppies may be hunted here, but only with a permit.
• New Lenox - Yuppies roam free here, and may be hunted without a permit and out of season. You might actually be looking for Joli, Orland , Frankf, Lincoln-GayWay Central High School and not even know it! Luxury homes and schools were blown up to make way for the extended I-355 tollway.
• Newark - See New Jersey
• Niles - The fake Tower of Pisa where Christopher Reeve (as "evil Superman") stopped by to film Superman 3. Shopping centers are now a hot spot for celebrities and the Polish.
• Norridge - Often referred to as Snore-ridge, or Bonerridge, it is considered occupied Chicago after Daley I's Council Wars in which the 16th Police District mounted a battle to take the Harlem-Irving Plaza. It is rumored that the morning after the battle Daley I rode a tank through the wrecked Bungalows, and commented, "I love the smell of burning topiary in the morning, it smells like... victory."
• North Aurora -
• North Barrington - Barrington, Barrington Hills, and North Barrington all split over disagreements about busy-body village ordinances. They are in perpetual competition for the most rediculous policies, property values, and tax rates.
• North Chicago - actually to the north of other towns between it and Chicago.
• North Riverside - The river will at you ALIIIIIIVVVEEEE!!!!
• Northbrook - The wannabe North Shore town. Many yuppies move here in hopes of "the North Shore experience" but don't realize to get that you actually have to live in a lakefront town to be part of the "North Shore". All children from here grow up bratty but not entirely spoiled.
• Northfield - The wannabe BAMF town, fails miserably.
• Northlake - Home of the grocery distribution center, Dominick's. Northlake and Melrose Park are at war with each other! See Melrose Park for more details.
• Oak Brook - Corporate home of McDonald's. Classier and wealthier than it's nouveau riche neighbor, Hinsdale. Much better than Hinsdale with better restaurants, houses and shops.
• Oakbrook Terrace - A snobbish super rich town with an abandoned water park (Ebenezer Floppen Slopper's Wonderful Water slides, on that big hill with the billboard just off Roosevelt Road and Route 83).
• Oak Forest Where a white boy with saggy pants will get called a nigger by the police. Yes, you're probably thinking "What the fuck"?
• Oak Lawn - Famous for its lint museum. Home of Michael Flatley (Lord of the Dance), Kanye West (wrote the song "George Bush Hates Black People"), and home to Christ Hospital; the only hospital within 100 miles of Chicago. According to the National Census, if you live in Chicago, you have a 98% chance of being shot, so you will most likely spend some time in this city.
• Oak Park - Earnest Hemingway hated this place, which means he actually did get something right. Home of the world's first outdoor shopping mall, on which the city has spent $1M per capita over the years closing streets, reopening them, changing the pavement, planting huge trees, cutting them down, opening the street again... For Oak Park shopping, see Forest Park - that's where all the stores went. Bicycles were banned in the whole city of Oak Park in February 2010. According to the law, the law for bicycles in Oak Park is "Not on the street, not on the sidewalk, not in the alley."
• Oakwood Hills - This is not a town.
• Old Mill Creek - Mr. Blagojevich incorporated this... area ...because he wanted to.
• Olympia Fields - No Olympics here until 2016, that's were the proposed Olympic village for international athletes of Chicago 2016. No sidewalks whatsoever.
• Orland Park - Home to Abercrombie-wearing douche bags, this snobby town is landmarked by the local Orland Square Shopping mall where Sandburg "bros" go to shop together and have same-sex relations in the dimly-lit hollister store.
• Oswego - Seven Inmates from Fox River prison invaded this town. Dwellers enjoy driving really fucking far to work.
• Palatine - The place where the Brown's Chicken Massacre happen. A serial killer murdered almost every worker like a Bonnie and Clyde-type shootout just to get the secret KFC recipe.
• Palos Heights - You can actually feel safe here. Other than the many local government lies and disregard for all human emotion, this is a wonderful little town. Overall, the overall satisfaction of this city skyrockets over that of nearby Worth, Alsip, Crestwood, Chicago Ridge, and Denver.
• Palos Hills - Palos Heights wannabe. Their "Hills" are nothing compared to the "Heights"
• Palos Park - Palos Heights wannabe.
• Park City - Retarded little bitch that's a park, and yet, a city.
• Park Forest - A town that houses the heal of society. What a completely shit town. Ghetto blacks and white trash fight over which side of the projects to live in.
• Park Ridge - AKA 'Home of the Nickle Millionaire'. The birthplace of America's favorite screaming bitch, Hillary Clinton.
• Peotone - AKA Pee-ah-tone. What a well thought out, centralised, useful location for an international airport. The entire town smells of cigarette smoke.
• Phoenix - Just like Phoenix Arizona, except for the weather, people, and state.
• Pingree Grove - the
• Plainfield - A tornado runs through this town every 2.3 seconds. When I graduated Plainfield High School in 2001, there was only one high school. Now there's about 83, but hey, who's counting? Degenerate scumbags by the thousands flock to this area from the ghetto, only to find that they have now created their own mini-ghetto. But it does have a lot to do in it. like swim in an over crowded pool and enjoy the growing suicide rate.
• Plano - Like Plainfield, but instead of tornadoes, its Mexicans.
• Plattville -
• Port Barrington - Just look at any other fucking "Barrington!"
• Posen - Bordered by two expressways. White people from Chicago housing projects were forced to live here in the early 60's to make room for Mexicans. Bar on every corner.
• Prairie Grove - Fuck you.
• Prospect Heights - When gold was discovered here in 2012, 1,800 people died when there was a traffic jam to get to it. The site of the traffic jam is now a Starbucks.
• Richmond - Oops, were you looking for Virginia?.
• Ringwood -
• River Forest - Two words. 1. Italians. 2. Mafia. Oops - that's one word.
• Riverdale - Home of Archie. Stay out of Riverdale!
• Riverside - Designed by Frederick Law Olmsted, shortly after he was bitten by a rabid spider monkey. Famed for its non-Euclidean street system.
• Riverwoods - In hairy vintage unshaven muffs.
• Robbins - The ice cream capital of Illinois, Robbins was known as Baskin-Robbins before Baskin left to join Blue Island. Robbins is famous for having 21 flavors (Baskin took the other 10 in the divorce). Great place to get shot in the face.
• Rockdale - Ahhhh, industry! (laughs crazily)
• Rolling Meadows - Despite it's name, this city is flat and full of ugly people and children. Also know as "Rolling Ghettos" for its now mainly mexican community.
• Romeoville - So named because it resides near to Chicago's prison city, "Joliet". The only joke here is the searing illiteracy of its founders.
• Roselle - A Metra train once derailed in this city, killing 900. The train was then elected mayor. Crime in the city has now skyrocketed.
• Rosemont - This is a quite Vegas-like village, glamorous hotels, finest restaurants, nightclubs, and a stadium where you could watch wrestling. The rose flower tower is the landmark of the village. Airplane noises coming to/from O'hare bothers the village and planes are subject to crash in this town. The village is also ringed by congested Interstate toll highways, Interstate 90, Interstate 190 and Interstate 294. The highway interchange in Rosemont is one the boring roads in Illinois. The residents of this "village" pay a token dollar in property taxes every year, as the suburb is the founding memeber of the O'Hare parasite suburbs conference, whose sole purpose is to annoy Chicago by sucking off the success of the airport it built.
• Round Lake - Contrary to popular belief, the lake in Round Lake is actually hexagonal. It was designed by the late Pablo Picasso, who was passing through during a wild goose hunt for the mall in Gurnee. Home of Waldo, who cannot be found in Round Lake.
• Round Lake Beach - Considered changing its name some years ago to avoid the association with neighboring Round Lake, Round Lake Heights, and Round Lake Park, so that white Round Lake Beach residents wouldn't have to learn to speak Spanish. Regional capital of psycho-girlfriend car dragging deaths.
• Round Lake Heights - Independant black woman.
• Round Lake Park - Wannabe bitch
• Sandwich - Wannabe Witch-Bitch
• Sauk Village - Crappy Indiana border town. One contemplates suicide when living here.
• Schaumburg - aka Scumburg, This city is the home of the first space shuttle launch, where I once got burned. Also the birthplace of Spandex. Widely known for Woodfield Mall and nearby Streets of Woodfield -- the former known for overpriced stores; the latter known for millions of teenagers and white kids who like to show off their Ricers. Many beautiful skyscrapers located in the middle of scenic parking lots next to the highway.
• Schiller Park - A collection of slums, bars, and sweatshops, sandwiched between fag-infested forest preserves, railroad yards...
• Shermer - Save Ferris. A collection of rich spoiled white kids where the popular kids make out with the trouble makers and nerds. The adults are known for their very small IQs and very large houses with expensive rare Ferraris. On a clear summer night you can hear the music of an one hit wonder new wave band in the distance.
• Shorewood - Lots of wood, but no shore to mention.
• Skokie - It's Illinois' Jewish village, home to millions (Well definitely thousands) of Jews. Mel Gibson is banned here!
• Sleepy Hollow - The scariest place in Illinois. It is also well known for that one road that the speed limit is only 2.5mph. The cops in this city are gay (well all traffic cops are gay, but stil...). There is also a Best Buy in this city.
• South Barrington - Barrington's premature cousin.
• South Chicago Heights - Even worse (if thats possible) than Chicago Heights.
• South Elgin - Train museum, and that's about it. The prosperous walled city-state of Thornwood is located within its boarders.
• South Holland - The faithful and religious suburb of Chicago. But there will be a new college opening in the future which is called the South Holland Institute of Technology. It is located far off between I-294 and I-94.
• Spring Grove - Shitty li'l town. There is an evil corn maze here.* St. Charles - Parallel universe to Geneva.
• Steger - Smells of garbage and cigarette smoke.
• Stickney - Something smells like shit here. Oh, wait, it is shit. It has one of the largest waste plants, where all of Chi's leavings flow.
• Stone Park - Home of 500 porn shops and sleazy motels, all located on 5 blocks of Mannheim road.
• Streamwood - The stream here was damned to make way for a dam.
• Sugar Grove - Home of Aurora Municipal Airport. Located in Sugar Grove. Goddamn you I-88...
• Thornton -
• Third Lake -
• Tinley Park - Let us plan your next wedding!
• Tower Lakes -
• Trout Valley -
• Union - The place where they store all their railroad garbage and equipment until it decomposes.
• University Park - The home of a crappy college where the "clever" name was adopted.
• Vernon Hills - A place with too many stores and not enough common sense!
• Villa Park - Home of the most badass dudes in all of Illinois. Also home to Ovaltine. The town's primary tourist attraction is a giant hole in the ground, which should tell you something about the place.
• Virgil -
• Volo - Doesn't actually exist. Residents are urged to ignore the signs and that part of their address that says something about their residing in Volo. Volo doesn't exist. Claims to have an Auto Museum...
• Wadsworth - Yes, that's what it's worth, all right.
• Warrenville - Sister city to Buffetton and Zevonburg.
• Wauconda - The apple capital of Illinois, cheapskate Chicagoans didn't want to buy apples from Washington for the Chicagoland market but instead, they borrow apples from the apple producing farms. You also get a lot of men in their late 30s-early 40s going to bars and getting drunk at the lake. Every road in town is named after something to do with Rand Road.
• Waukegan - An Algonquin word, meaning, "The Good Land," aka, "Milwaukee To the South (w/o Beer)" and/or (by residents who are white) "Little Mexico". Murder capital (per capita) of Illinois, surpassed in the Mid-West US only by Gary, Indiana, and Detroit, Michigan. (But said to be making a comeback! Go, little trash town, go!). Hometown of Jack Benny and Ray Bradbury, and thus several Benny/Bradbury Schools, Benny/Bradbury Parks, and so forth, each occupied by approximately 17,000 kids who can't read Bradbury because it's not in Spanish.
• Wayne - Suburb Of Garth.
• West Chicago - Home of numerous mexicans
• West Dundee - Not to be confused with East Dundee. Elginites flock here in order to go to the mall and find something to do with their crappy lives.
• Westchester - Formerly known as the WestMolester.
• Western Springs - If you count "Western" as oil fields and sleazy hotels, then YES! This is Western Springs!
• Westmont - Home of your first wife.
• Wheaton - The "Utah" of Chicagoland, this is where Jesus resides.
• Wheeling - Has been in a pissing contest with Buffalo Grove since the latter got its own zip code.
• Willow Springs - Large railyard is Chicago's link to fine Chinese imports.
• Willowbrook - Where is this place again?
• Wilmette - That Friday the 13th guy lives here. And that shower curtain ring guy. Oh yeah, Fall out Boy is from here too. Don't forget Ferris Bueller.
• Winfield - Everyone loses in Winfield!
• Winnetka - The real O.C. of the North Shore. Winnetka children drive only the nicest, newest luxury vehicles starting on their 15th birthdays when they get their permits. They get whatever they want. They are spoiled and rightly so as Winnetka is in the top 3 wealthiest suburbs of Chicago with Lake Forest and Kenilworth.
• Winthrop Harbor - Cold as FUCK!
• Wonder Lake - Oh my!
• Wood Dale - If you live here and don't speak Spanish, you probably speak Polish. If you don't speak Spanish nor Polish, you probably don't live here.
• Woodridge - One of the horniest cities in America.
• Woodstock - Originally named Punxsutawney. Noted for horrendous traffic jams at the narrow Metra railroad overpass bottleneck on Route 47.
• Worth - Worthless.
• Yorkville - Town of weed smoking whores who cant find their asses with a flashlight and a map.
• Zion - The last free place where Neo and all the other humies lives. Constantly under attack by the machine race. Gary Coleman is from here. Famous for there being no spoons and lost of people wearing black suits and sunglasses. Gordan Freeman attacked it last year because Neo called him, "Geeky" because he can't go super slow mo like the Neo, and if anyone knows Freeman they knows he HATES bieng called geeky and will crowbar anyone to death who says it. All of the stores in this town close at 8pm on weekdays, 5-6pm on weekends, and as early as 1pm on holidays. Zion has shitty bus service where the busses dont run on Sundays leaving people trapped in this boring town and busses don't run after 7pm. Train service to Zion has been inadequate since 1963 when the North Shore Line collapsed. The high school basketball team won the state championship for the first time in its 68 year history. Zion is notorious for taking away the fun by getting rid of the paddleboats, closing the ice and roller rinks getting rid of the gameroom in the leisure center that has nothing in it and is notorious for cutting events short this past year such as the carnival closing at 10pm instead of 11pm, the fireworks being too short, and the labor day parade being too short. As they say "Zion means the The Promise Land!"

edit Northwestern Indiana

The Illinois-Indiana state line is the Israel-Palestine border of Chicagoland. Blacks and whites are killing each other along the boundary. Huge city-quality fireworks are legal in Indiana and every 4th of July holiday people rush to this state and buy those big explosives and light them in their backyard. People buying these fireworks can lead the whole Chicagoland an earthquake. You are worshiped as a demigod here, if you come from another state.

• Burns Harbor -
• Cedar Lake - A place for rich, old people.
• Chesterton - The gymnastics capital of Indiana.
• Crown Point - A haven for reformed rednecks who think they're decent. They can be see driving their extended cab, Dodge Ram Pick-Up trucks. (Red with white racing stripes, of course.)
• Dyer - Cigarettes, fireworks, and angry people.
• East Chicago - This is not in Illinois, for stupid Chicagoans who are still in Illinois and wanted to view the Chicago skyline, they will realize that they are in the wrong state. Excellent place for a Latina girlfriend, though.
• Gary - Basically a dead city, looks and feels a lot like the Soviet Union. Also known as Jackoland. After Michael Jackson including his family fled this place, Gary is the most crime-ridden suburb in the Chicago area (outside of Illinois). It's also the noisiest city in America. Steel mills are getting rusty in this area, after the unions priced themselves out of jobs. It is not a good idea to stop here at night, as you may, as the locals say "Get yo rims took".
• Griffith - Also known as the real G.I. to the local residents. The only thing worth mentioning about this town is that it was mentioned in the movie "A Christmas Story" when the stupid dad talked about some stupid hick from Griffith getting eaten by a 500 foot tall cockroach.
• Hammond - The well known landmark in the city is the Commonwealth Edison (or Northern Indiana) power plant which serves Chicago and Indiana. This is visible as far as downtown Chicago in the lake front and when you drive towards Chicago (I-90). The power plant owner are still fighting in court. It is also one of the places where you can buy huge fireworks legally before you can smuggle them into Illinois. But use the interstate highways instead of ordinary roads, Illinois cops are patrolling along the Indiana border for buying large fireworks or your car will be impounded! Also, fuck this place, man. It is also home to the worst University on earth, Purdue University Calumet. It is basically a place where dumb hicks feel smart and rich white people (from Munster and environs) feel truly flaunt their superiority. (Not to be associated with Purdue University)
• Highland - A town you pass through to get to Schererville.
• Hobart - A place where the toothless hillbillies live.
• Kouts -
• Lake Station - There are two ways to get to Chicago, The Indiana Toll Road (I-90) or Indiana Free Road (I-80/94) but take I-80/94 if you don't have enough money to pay the fucking tolls.
• Lowell - A Hillbilly's Paradise....
• Merrilville - More square footage in billboard space than all homes combined. Plus there's a kickass parking lot with it's own mall! The place where people from Gary move to.
• Munster - Famous for its Muenster cheese farm outside of Wisconsin. Famous residents include Fred Gwynne and Yvonne DeCarlo and rich bastards who pretend the rest of Northwest Indiana doesn't exist.
• New Chicago - Because these hicks are too good for regular Chicago.
• Ogden Dunes -
• Portage - The most unhappy place in the world; the land of no smiles. And fat ex girlfriends.
• Schneider -
• Schererville - known for the Showplace theater, has a bunch of restarants and used car lots within its parking lot.
• St. John - Chicagoland's most Catholic village. Mention of any other saints will result in prosecution and quite possibly, mandatory confession"
• Town of Pines -
• Valparaiso - A town where no black person can live in comfortably...seriously. I heard there's a university there or something.
• Whiting - All-you-can-eat crude oil and fresh perch buffet every Thursday. Also home to the nation's only high school namesaked for George Rogers Clark; every graduate receives a coonskin diploma.

edit Southeastern Wisconsin

Chicagoans (see Shitcagoans) will often vacation in places they claim to hate and are inadequately grateful to the population of Wisconsin, whom they deem as their lowly caretakers. Wisconsinites have their revenge on Chicagoans by urinating in their Old Style and overcharging them for cheese and lodging.

• Bristol - Home of the Renaissance Faire. Each year a referendum to change the name of the town to "Dweebville" is voted down as redundant and unnecessary.
• Burlington - Founded by Morman Freemasons, the desendants of whom deny the existance of Chicago. Nicknamed: "Chocolate City USA" Because an adopted African American kid was once enrolled in the local public school, and not due to the large Nestle candy factory located within the city limits- as once popularly believed.
• Lyons - A complete dead zone where you can find only disappointment and immaturity by the name of Gage Parkinson. What a waste of time. If you ever come across Lyons, be aware of all exiting roads and follow them immediately to an outside destination.
• Delavan - small town where domestic disputes always end with the police and various circus folk surrounding a suburban home, home of a creepy shrine to Radar O'Reilly
• Elkhorn -
• Genoa City - Not to be confused with Genoa, IL. One is in the farmfields of Illinois; the other in the farmfields of Wisconsin.
• Kenosha - A family-oriented community between Chicago and Milwaukee. Home of really bad television.
• Lake Geneva - Wisconsin's tourist trap for Chicago's fake rich and totally non-famous population.
• Paddock Lake - Actually a large puddle, the surface of which is 98% covered with pontoon boats and jet-skis during the 15 minutes each year it is not frozen solid. The surrounding village is actually a refugee camp of people from Waukegan that pretend to be from Chicago.
• Pleasant Prairie - Home to the largest population of copulating prairie dogs the world has ever seen. Famous chiefly for a clot of so-called outlet malls that sell things at the same price you'd find them everywhere else.
• Silver Lake -
• Somers -
• Twin Lakes - where restaurant workers, auto mechanics, and security guards move to when they realize the state of Illinois sucks.
• Walworth -where you will definately get your SUV egged if it has Illinois plates.
• Whitewater - President Bill Clinton has bought land here during his presidency. Today it known for its whitewater rafting, which is also President Clinton's favorite sport.

edit Milwaukee

Milwaukee is a "extra-medium" sized city located in the Northern Cheese Provence between the golden shores of Lake Michigan and the Myhog'nmee Valley in Southeastern Wisconsin. Legend has it that the magical land of Milwaukee lies "just over the river and through the woods", across the Cheddar Curtain from Chicago. Milwaukee is sometimes dubbed a "suburb" of Chicago by insane asylum escapees and Shit-town natives Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater and his wife Bimbo Betty who don't think that Chicago has enough lame suburbs of its own. Unfortunately for King Daley and his loyal army of Shitcagoans, all attempts at expanding the Chicago metro and living a higher quality of life in Wisconsin had failed or ended somewhere in Kenosha County over a century ago with the passing of the "FIB Eradication Act of 1908". Milwaukeeans and many other Wisconsinites still to this day wonder out loud why anyone with a brain stem would want to be part of Illinois, and locals often hurl rocks and giant wheels of cheese at any passing vehicles with Illinois license plates. Milwaukee's wellknown diplomats have included Mayor McCheese (Chicago native) and Crime Commissioner Prince "Biggy Size Me" Fielder. Former St Louis Cardinals catcher and Vegas showgirl Bob Uecker has since taken over duties for McCheese after McCheese's mysterious disappearance while on vacation with Fielder in Amsterdam Holland.

Milwaukee is famous for making sausage out of its former socialist mayors and also for supplying piss water beer to Shitcagoans and the rest of the Enormous Cornfield Region (no really, they pee in a barrel every day at noon and call it "Old Style"). Milwaukee then keeps all the "good beer" for themselves in an underground bunker below a Cold War era facade known as The Safehouse. Milwaukee is the only major U.S. city within 725 miles of Chicago. Due to growing tensions in Chicago after King Daily II failed to erect anything that anyone outside of the Enormous Cornfield Region cared about, Chicagoans felt isolated. This led to the passing of the "Fuck New York Again" Act of 1960 which encouraged Chicagoans to venture out and erect other large cities within the Region as well as try to populate existing cities such as Milwaukee. As of this writing, all attempts have failed to erect any cities as cultured, malodorous, or as morally corrupt as Chicago.

Chicago Sky Net

Milwaukee and its suburbs, along with all other lands within 780 miles south or west of Chicago, were once part of a region known as "Chicago Sky Net." Chicago Sky Net had its origins in The Great Ditka Census Taking Debacle of 2030. In that year, according to predictions by Nostrodamus, John Connor, and President Rosie O'Donnell-Winfrey, the city of Chicago is floundering, worse than Dan Akroyd's career after the box office bomb Blues Brothers 2000. Chicago needed more land. The heir to King Daily's throne, Commander Mike "Don't Call Me Anvil Head" Ditka, and chairman of the Merry Old Land of Oz, Gary "Whatchutalkinbout" Coleman, traveled forward in time to the year 2030 and went door to door in Wisconsin asking "Is this still Chicago?" all the while trying to hide their nasally tone. It is reported that every single resident who lived north of the IL/WI border replied with a resounding "No!" But Mr. Ditka, not an easily intimidated man, then commissioned the "Official Lego Land Census Taking of 2037" which skewed all census results in favor of Chicago and sparked the Battle of the Bulging Beltline which Chicago eventually lost after 101 years of futility. The census that sparked the battle was conducted by the independent Chicago firm Noah Common Census in conjunction with the Chicago law office of Dewey Cheatem and Howe. The entire Chicago Sky Net region during its existence included Milwaukee and 612 other municipalities across 12 united states, and was later nicknamed "The Blubber Belt" in reference to the former Rustbucket Belt.

Chicago Sky Net eventually bankrupted itself into infinity during the Great Space-Scraper Race of 2137 when Arizona S.W. Provence erected the "Spiraling Object of Mesa Boogie" a 239,000 mile high spacescraper/guitar amplifier which spanned from the Earth to the Earth's moon.

edit Milwaukee's suburbs

• Bayside - Where the watermelons grow.
• Brown Deer - they're actually more of a tan.
• Brookfield - Mobster Al Capone made bathtub gin in his home here Brookfield, WI (not to be confused with Brookfield, IL, which is home to the famous zoo which features the one-eyed, one-horned flying Shitcago wombat (or as the zookeepers call it..."Oprah").
• Butler - Nicknamed "The Whitest Town in America." All residents here employ a butler, hence the name of the town
• Caledonia - Home to the Jellystone Campground that features a semi-famous Christmas light display. The light display features a giant Bear being sodomized by a giant Paul Bunyan wearing a Packers jersey
• Cedarburg - All the charm of South Beloit but without the sophistication.
• Cudahy - Home to funny talking Packers fans, many of whom just happen to be actual meat packers. Also the setting of a kick ass smoked meat festival
• Elm Grove - Like Illinois' Elk Grove, only less assholes live here.
• Fox Point - Packers fans with money. By municipal law, locals are required to spend 6 hours of each day shopping at the mall
• Franklin - The remaining farmland in the Chicago-Milwaukee metropolitan area.
• Germantown - A town of horny Germans exiled after WWII
• Glendale - Home of the Butter Dunked Cheeseburger.
• Greendale - Oompa Loompa houses and an old fashioned malt shop named after the curley haired guy from Saved By the Bell.
• Greenfield - Packers fans who attend community college.
• Hales Corners - Named after famous Revolutionary Nathan Hale who said "I regret that I have but one diaper to give to my coffee" Also home to the Hale Mental Hospital.
• Lac La Belle - A town in which bells do not exist.
• Lannon - What Ron Burgandy says with 10 big mashmallows stuffed in his face.
• Menomonee Falls - Packers fans who dress well and smell nice.
• Mequon - Packers fans who drive Mercedes and smell even nicer.
• Muskego - Home to the World's Largest Birthday Cake formed from garbage and refuse. Also the world's largest trick candles.
• Oak Creek - The first village you pass by before you hit the Milwaukee city limits.
• Pewaukee - Where really, really white people live.
• Port Washington Dustin Diamond A.K.A. "Screetch" lived here before he was saved by the bell.
• Racine - Home of S.C. Johnson Wax Co. Racine is actually a suburb of Detroit, as evidenced by the crime rampant in the city, but it is close enough to Milwaukee and Chicago to be counted here.
• River Hills -
• Shorewood - Scandinavia is blacker than this place.
• South Milwaukee - Guess where this town is?
• St. Francis - Packers fans with really nice lawns, also home to the factory that graced the planet Earth with a foam cheese wedge
• Sussex - Scandinavia is blacker than this place.
• Sturtevant - Why the hell is the train stopping? Something must be wrong. We're all gonna die here.
• Theinsville - Named after the infamous serial killer and bovine molestor Ed Thein
• Wales - The most Welsh place trapped in America.
• Waukesha - The gymnastics capital of Wisconsin. The cartoon character voice gymnast twins Paul Hamm and Morgan Hamm lives there.
• Wauwatosa -
• Whitefish Bay - also known as Whitefolks Bay.
• West Allis - Oktoberfest and Beerfest are held in this village. English and German are official here, so people are bilingual. Part of West Allis is a famed landmark were the 43° North latitude and 88° West longitude meets, making it a destination for visitors. The 88 degree latitude shares a Chicago suburb with Elk Grove Village. See Elk Grove Village for more details.
• West Bend -
• West Milwaukee - Bedroom community for the Milwaukee Brewers and their fans. Also the Drunk Driving Capital of the World.
• Wind Point -

edit Other states included in the Chicago Sky Net

Iowa, Indiana, Kansas, Nebraska, Ohio, Minnesota, Kentucky, Tennesee, Michigan, Missouri,

edit See Also

• Chicago Public Radio
• Navy Pier
• Chicago Seven
• John Hancock Center