Chewbacca
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Where you looking for Melody?[1]
“Chewbacca's not here, so im gonna do it for the uncircumcised niggas, that don't realize my format is a palm spectrum, to damage any rectum. ”
~ Dr. Octagon on A Visit to The Gynecologist
“Hesa don't talk as good as mesa”
~ Jar-Jar Binks on Chewbacca
“Its in our family history to be killied by moons.”
~ Chewbacca's family on moons
“Chewbacca is Jewish?! That's the last time I get ripped with him!”
“Holy shiyatt, what the fucking balls is that goddamn noise?!”
Pope Ron Jeremy Chewbacca-Jewbacca, why are most people so mean to Jews? Hitler already was, he murdered 6.2 million of them. These "Uncyclopedia" people are so rude! Hasselhoff Schwarzenegger IV, (disgraced former captain of the RMS Titanic) was born to Wookie Goldberg and George W. Bush in around 235 years time, and is the younger brother of the renowned comedian Jerry Seinfeld and the eldest son of Bob Dylan and Adolf Hitler's Step-headed red child. Maybe even related to Chewybocco and Chewboccio. He gained instant fame when he managed to catch a greased pig, ride it all the way to Paris and make a time machine which he named "the Eiffel Tower." He then rode his greased pig to anusland, lent it to the current Maharaja, Mahatma Ghandi, and ran a marathon all the way to Florida where he saved a bumpkin from an aligator, robbed a bank, kicked a turkey, and captured a pikachuwith his renowned chode slap. Not the Possum that some have thought to have previously thought. He has a son named Lumpy.
This last offense made him a wanted fnord man in America as it was the national bird of the country at that time. The national bird has since been changed to the mighty duck. Chewbacca then walked backwards all the way to Russia where he invented Stalingrad, burnt toast, and of couse, Walmart. Chewbacca was at one time the most notorious murderer in the world. On November 22, 1963, in a fit of rage, Chewbacca swooped down and shot John F Kennedy in the face 40 times at point blank range as well as kicking that other guy who died. When the police finally cornered Jewbacca in a dark alley in western jewland, he beat them all senseless with his large and hairy shlong. He persuaded the authorities to frame an innocent Mentally Challenged man named Lee Harvey Oswald, allowing Jewbacca to get away and run free with his kin. also he was the king of France for a brief period but had to leave after a scandal with a duck came to light. Also during a brief mid-life crisis he and Jaba the hut started a figure skating team.
| Jewish stuff |
 |
| More Jewish stuff |
 |
Chewbacca is well known for drinking way to much on one occasion he was pulled over while driving the Millenium falcon he was found to be 20 times over the limit and completly shaved, he was also found by police in an alley behind a porno theatre snorting a bottle of soy sauce, before collapsing in his own filth and turning inside out.
Contents |
[edit] Religion
It is said that Chewbacca is Jewish, hence the name "Jewbacca", but it is believed that that is an alias, and his true religion is that of Star Trek thus his name being Chewbacca. A lawsuit is in progress of which George Lucas is suing Chewbacca because he claims "Chewbacca was let on the team because he did not belong to our relgious competitor. But he lied, and his line in Star Wars IV 'Rargh rargh Ugh Rarghah' was supporting the Star Trekian belief that women should speak in Church".
Chewbacca is the last pokemon to be released and will be the one to come at judgement to destroy the world!
Chewbacca is also believed to be that monster hiding in your closet late at night.
[edit] Wealth
As his religion demands, Jewbacca is an extremely wealthy jewelry and media tycoon. He owns at least three trees, or at least only three have been cleared by the Department of Transportation. If he has more, he hasn't told anyone about them yet.
However he has told people of his plans to mate all three yachts into one superyacht and cruse the worlds in style he plans to have this project done somewhere in 2009 but is not certain because no one seem to know when yachts go into heat but that aside he is sure that he will figure it out and get back on track. once he has finished the superyacht it will be featured on MTV cribs, and due to the extreme anticipation of that episode Nick the Hobo will be apearing as a guest star.
When completed, the superyacht will take up the entire Mediterranian sea and will still only wheigh half as much a Rosie O'Donnell. It will include one 2400sq ft living room, 20 bedrooms, and 303 bathrooms placed at three foot intervals for those sudden emergencies and parties that include "special" brownies. The combined waterflow of all 303 toilets flushing at the same time would be enough to flood the entire town of New Orleans. The yacht will be completely powered by green energy gathered from 30,000 genetically engineered hamsters running on excersise wheels 24/7. When in flight, the yacht can reach speeds up to 14,000,000,000,000 light years per second; needless to say it's super speed lets you party on many worlds in a short space of time. Though the use of such powers is not condoned by the Vatican, who claim that such speed can only be obtained by God, Jewbacca doesn't seem to mind, probably because he is a Jew.
Recently Chewbacca is well known for his wildly popular and extremely sugary and unhealthy cereal known as "Wookie Crisp". After being accused of copyright infringement by the makers of 'Cookie Crisp", Chewbacca decided to settle the case out of court by beating them all senseless.
When beating them senseless failed, Chewbacca used his infamous and patented defense known as the "Chewbacca Defense" first made popular by the educational children's show on PBS, South Park. This tactic involves summoning Domo-kun then dividing by zero. It is well documented that this attempt in winning the lawsuit was successful, but unfortunately the universe asploded requiring him to spend all of his money on getting Bob The Builder to repair it. But because Chewbacca was known to be a Jew, Bob, being related to Adolf Hitler decided to kill Chewbacca. Bob was then eaten by a grue and Chewbacca was resurrected by Domo-kun, who adored his Wookie Crisp.
[edit] Big Feet
He is currently living in the American woodlands living under the alias of "Big Foot"; concurrently studying alongside Rabbi Pedro. He had to escape because he was kicked off his planet for telling small children to assassinate the president. Every year during the last 2 weeks of June people across the world celebrate Hidden Chewbacca Day where they exchange media-related gift items such as Speed Racer tapes. Unfortunately, everyone who even dared to lay eyes on the Speed Racer tapes were cursed to die in seven days unless they could find seven people in six days, in five different countries to preform the peter-panda dance for them. But that is a story for another time.
There are reports of a romantic involvement between Chewbacca and Chuck Norris' Beard, unfortunately all the photographers who claim to have pictures of the two together have died suddenly from stubble rash complications after mysterious roundhouse kick related injuries... to the head.
[edit] Other Information
The only way to kill Chewbacca is to hit him with the moon. And thats what the Yuuzhan Vong did because they suck and he would kill the shit out of them in a real fight.
On March 2008, It was confirmed that Chewbacca/Big Foot was really just a hairy guy named Nate Carlson who was running around naked after he had sex for the first time with DJ's mom.
[[link title]Italic text]==Famous quotations==
“Raaaaaaaaargh!”
~ Chewbacca on asking Oscar Wilde for deep anal
“So wait...he lives on Endor? Isn't that where those little guys live?”
~ Captain Obvious on Chewbacca living on Endor
“Yes please!”
~ Os'Bold text''Italic textMedia:Example.oggcar Wilde on Chewbacca
“I THOUGHT OF CHEWBACCA! George Lucas stole it from me, that moron!”
“ I love the smell of a wookie in heat”
~ Joe Wales(SO DO I!!!!!!)
“ I'm a hamathrodite...but i still love you”
~ Joe lewis about his affection for chewbacca
- Big Foot is an outlawed beast who can be found either dancing on badmington courts or caressing his pet coymin.
- Chewbacca earns his nickname from a very famous Argentinian letter (QW), this letter sounds a little like "Doohh!"
- Chewbacca was played in the Star Wars films by George Lucas's daughter, in order to avoid the immense costs associated with creating a suit for somebody else.
- Chewbacca has been aressted 2 times for DUI's.Chewbacca has also cam close to death when he met and fought Chuck Norris , luckily Mr.T convinced Chuck his life shouldnt be wasted.
[edit] Darth Vader's Successor
Taken the name "Chewbacca-Jewbacca John Smith, Jewbacca assumed rule of the Sith in 2002. He has given his condolences to his predecessor, Darth Vader, upon hearing that he died on February 8, 2007. He assumed the role of Pope after the death of Pope BendtheDick, despite him being Jewish.
Chewbacca is notorious for his gurgly growl, proven in some independent studies to drive perfectly sane chimpanzees out of their minds (though most of those monkeys were blind and on drugs as well as being modified by an idiot obsessed with Ben Jackson. Chewbacca has been made into a 2-foot tall Pez dispenser (retail price approx. $20) but because of his wookie powers, the Pez which the machine dispenses are regular-size. Chewbacca makes it happen.
Jewbacca has also just emerged from a long term relationship with Manbearpig, following a heated divorce. Manbearpig was coincidentally recently slain by the valiant Sir Al Gore.
It is unknown whether Chewbacca is still alive or not. When he took over for Darth Vador he hired several body doubles just in case someone would try to assassinate him. There have been sevaral attempts on his life, but it is believe that his still alive and live on planet earth going by the name Cassandra Ortiz.k;jahg;kjnwrh;kljntbkl/jnsdb.kmn zdfb/kln
[edit] See also
- Wookie Shaving Cream
- Wookie Goldberg
- Star Wars
- Donnie Darko
- Jedi
- Yeti
- Han Solo
- Indiana Jones
- Lumpy
- Melody
