Chester John "Chet" Culver (born January 25, 1966), also widely known as one-time world conquerer Serpentor, is the current Emperor of the U.S. State of Iowa (brought to you by Viagra), having won the 2006 Iowa election and formally sold the naming rights to Pfizer . His shocking rise to power marks the first time two complete morons have simultaneously controlled both the legislative and executive branches of Iowa's government since 1967. Of course, it is purely coincidental that both branches are controlled by Democrats, for there remains plenty of moronic republicans as well. Culver is the first genetically engineered Emperor to replace a genetically engineered Emperor since 1941. He was elected the Federal Liaison of Fascist Party-Pooping Terrorism in 2008 (due to his long standing ties with Cobra).
The Early Years
Chester was spawned beneath Washington D.C., on January 25, 1966, to commemorate the ten year anniversary of Elvis Presley's first number one single Heartbreak Hotel. His father, Dr. John "Mind-Bender" Culver (Cobra Lieutenant, Musician, and Fast Food Heir) scoured the Earth to find the genetic material to create the perfect son (see Culver's DNA). After leaving Cobra, John Culver went on to be Emperor of Iowa from 1976-1986 and would certainly be Chet's inspiration for later entering into politics. Chester shares a birthday with such famous individuals as Virgina Woolf, William Colgate, and Robert Burn. Mr. Culver also appears to have an unhealthy obsession with the date.
Culver was home schooled by his father and his father's longtime confidant, Cobra Commander. After finishing high school, Chester earned a band scholarship to Colgate University, holding first chair in the concert orchestra, mastering the pan, skin, and all other known forms of flutes. He graduated in 1988 with a B.A. degree in Global Enslavement. Culver would take a part time job as a lobotomist and lobbyist in Washington, lobbying on behalf of The Endangered Species Punchers Of America (ESPA), People for Public Crucifixions (PPC), and The Deadbeat Alcoholic Dad's Defiling Younger-Women Group (DADDY), before leaving the lime-light of the hill to attend law school.
Chet attended law school at Drake University in Des Moines, IA. While at Drake, Culver saw the play Who's Afraid Of Virginia Wolf and fell fast in love with Broadway. He dropped out of law school to pursue a carer in acting and would receive several auditions for Mentos commercials, midget porn, and driver's education videos, failing to ever land a role. Heartbroken, Culver returned to Drake earning his master's degree in education. He accepted a position at a Des Moines area high school, teaching Political Dictatorship and Interpretive Dance, before first getting his feet wet in the arena of elected public office.
Cutting His Teeth
To celebrate his thirtieth birthday, Culver, battling a minor cocaine addiction presumably picked up in the days of his midget porn auditions, flew to New York in order to see the Broadway musical Rent. On January 25, 1996, after attending the evening performance, Chet brutally slaughtered Johnathan Larson, the musical's author, on the streets of Manhattan. While in prison, Chester found and lost Islam and went on to meet his lovely wife, Maire Claire, via The Prison Inmate Marital Pen-Pal System (PIMPS). The murder garnered Culver immense popularity with the people of Iowa, who never really cared much for the musical Rent anyway, and they would elect him Secretary of State in 1998 following the completion of his two year sentence for Involuntary Manslaughter.
While Secretary of State, Culver would often look confused and bewildered, but eventually, his genetic predisposition for world domination would take control. Drunk on power and gin, Chet wrote and endorsed The Kitten Smothering Act of 2000, requiring all Iowans to smother felines less than a year old. The legislation passed 90% to 10%. Culver would hold the seat for six years, writing increasingly ridiculous legislation as the years rolled on. In 2005, "Chet" Chester A. Constitution Molester Culver, on advice from his father Dr. Mind-Bender, announced his plan to run for the office on Emperor of the State of Iowa (soon to be brought to you by Viagra). Chester spent most of the next year praying to Jesus that his terrorist funded campaign would hold enough steam to push him into office riding his famous father's coattails.
In 2006, Chet won the Cobra nomination for Emperor defeating Cobra mainstay Zartan. Running on the campaign slogan "That's Day One Type Shit," Culver vowed for drastic change in the state. He squared off in the Iowa election against incumbent Republican Emperor, Stale Half-eaten Unfrosted Blueberry Pop Tart, as well as Democratic nominee General Syl. E. Hippiepants and Green party member Ralph Nader. Culver went on to win the closest election in Iowa history, with 36% of the vote, defeating Mr. Tart by 2%, Mr. Hippiepants by 16%, and Mr. Nader by 26%. Later that year, Chester took the throne of Emperor and set his master plan for change in motion.
Immediately after entering the Emperor's mansion, Culver showed Iowans exactly what he meant by "Day One Type Shit," as he quit wearing underwear, beheaded the gold medal winners of the Iowa Special Olympics, and passed the Iowa Anti-Smoking Bill. Chet's radical new legislation would prohibit Iowans from indulging in the essence of being smokers, and the act of smoking in public areas, as it relates to smoking cigarettes, hot chicks, cheese, poles, crack, fools, meat, punk-ass bitches, hot pieces of man slab, BBQ, cigars, quick anal sex, and cigarettes for Christ sake. Announcement of the law enraged citizens and resulted in several protests and riots. The Iowans who once loved Culver's fast and loose rouge style of government quickly turned on him.
On January 1, 2008, the Iowa Anti-Smoking Bill went into effect, and Culver would answer all questions concerning it at a town hall meeting in Dubtown, IA. At that meeting, Chester was confronted by Josephine Dubuque (distant relative of Julien Dubuque himself) about his impotence and complete disregard of citizen's rights. He would respond to Josephine by slapping the living shit out of her and pissing on her face. Some eyewitnesses say a large amount of defecation was found on her chest, steaming hot. Culver would flee the city and state in a sense of panic. Josephine had a vendetta to settle and would rally the people of Iowa to hunt down Culver to put his head on a spike. The angry mob began moving east by way of tractor, carrying pitchforks and torches, burning random things that stood in their way, in what the local press has dubbed "Dubuque's March To The Sea." On January 25, 2008, Dubuque's angry mob reached Rockford, IL (less than 60 miles form where they started nearly a month earlier) ; Chet Culver celebrated his 42nd birthday, still at large, somewhere beneath Washington D.C.
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