Chesty Morgan

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“Imagine the greatest talent you have ever seen in an actress. The size of a big squash. No, bigger... bigger... Yes, about that size! She has two of them!”
~ Cahiers du Cinéma on Chesty Morgan
“Damn! I was sure I was forgetting someone!”
~ John Paul II on not canonizing Chesty
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Chesty Morgan.
Chesty

I know, this picture is shy... If you want something explicit, use your google, you pervert!

Chesty Morgan (1928-1981, born Lubna Piers Ogromny in Potworny, Poland) was a jewish Nazi refugee, avant-garde Palme D'Or winner actress and a renowned writer, worldwide known for both her arduous defense of feminism and zionism and opposition to breast implants.
...aw, I was forgetting to mention, she's also known for having a 6 foot wide, number 74, 24 pounds rack of bazoons.

Nazi refugee

Chesty never talked about her past as a concentration camp survivor, but suspects are that she was included in the dreaded eugenic reproduction program of Dr. Josef Mengele. Mengele was looking for a solution to the shortage of human milk due to the Lebensborn eugenic reproduction program. This way... okay, okay, I stop! After the War, the orphaned genetically modified girl moved to Israel were she received a communist zionist proper indoctrination education in a kibbutz.

Early Career

Allen-Everything

With Woody Allen in Everything You Always Wanted...'

In 1968, Chesty moved to California to take her post-doctorate at Stanford University. There she was introduced to movie directors that would create in the next decade (of course with the aid of her own acting talents) what was to be known as the New Hollywood. Seduced by the huge tits witty remarks of his country fellow, director Roman Polanski immediately hired her to work in his movie Rosemary's Baby, interpreting the wet nurse of the Devil's child (unfortunately the scenes were cut down for the commercial release). Later she also made minor but impactant participations in The Godfather (as Michael Corleone's grand-grandmother), Apocalypse Now (as an inflatable river boat) and Taxi Driver (as Robert DeNiro's body double). Her next step to stardom was Woody Allen's Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). Her apparition as the killer mutant breast defeated European critics' prejudice not just for herself but for the entire American movie production. Now with wide critical and public recognition, Chesty was ready for a bigger step in her artistic realization. She bagged her first main character role, Francine Sein Geánt in avant-garde cult movie Deadly Weapons.

Deadly Weapons

DeadlyWeapons

The cover of Deadly Weapons, a clear reference to German Expressionism

Directed by Jean-Luc Godard Deadly Weapons (1974) is his one and only French-American production. Godard received harsh criticism from his country-fellows for aligning with l'impérialisme américan. When the film proved to be a major flop at the box office, French movie critics rapidly turned to consider it a masterpiece of an un-comprehended genius.
Spoiler warning: She kills men with her tits. The rest is just filler

Francine (Chesty) is a philosophy student in the verge of 68 riots. She discusses German romanticism with her boyfriend Matthieu (Jean-Paul Belmondo) in a café, over a pair of huge milky mugs of coffee. The subject turns to Herbert Marcuse's theory of Repressive Tolerance and so she does an act of libération and starts tickling Matthieu's ankles with her nipples. Suddenly, a bourgeois drunken gendarme irrupts and starts hitting all the hippies in the place with la canne. Matthieu is badly hurt and dies on the sidewalk, pronouncing a long discourse about the class struggle that ends with the prophetic words: "You will BUST them!". Francine turns into a revolutionary, weapons dealer and terrorist, that kills one by one all the repressive authorities of bourgeois faux-democracie by making a good use of her historically-repressed-by-white-and-male-western-society female-goddess-of-fertility powers. Both of them. The revolutionary act is done by suffocating the capitalist pigs with her breasts. Francine is persecuted by counter-revolutionary authorities and, after activating a land-mine with lefty, dies and as the last gesture, gives her body to the starving children of proletariat.

Spoiler ends here. By the way, didn't I mention that she dies in the end?

The film received hearty reviews from worldwide critics and was played in most cineclubs. Roger Ebert labeled it "A Potemkim of our days". New Yorker magazine gave it a cover article that stated "This piece of genius reflects human nature in all of its nature - and THEY ARE NATURAL!". The film won the Palme D'Or at the Cans film Festival and the Furry Bear at the Berlin Festival but also became a commercial disaster - a fact that is now credited due the plot being too advanced for the audience of the time. Godard had to flee from the U.S.A. and left the capitalist debt to be paid by Chesty. She tried to pay it off, but her cheques were bouncing everywhere.

Literary career

To the dismay of the movie fans, Chesty gave up the acting career and started a new one as a breast-selling writer. At the time of her shocking and early death, she was considered a strong candidate for the Nobel Prize. Chesty works include:

  • Bust'im!!! - lessons on feminism, including some upper blows to be performed by abused wives.
  • Bust'em!!! - reflections on the Israeli-Palestine conflict and a solution for the long-therm peace.
  • Bust you!!! - feminist argumentation against silicone implants and natural alternatives, such as pregnancy.
  • Bust me!!! - autobiography.

Death

In March, 17, 1981, Chesty was found dead in her bathtub. The fact that the bathtub was empty added to the fact that it was very improbable that Chesty drowned (due the size of her floaters) and led the investigators to conclude it was an accident. Chest just slipped and had her head smashed when the body turned upside down. Her fan-base never accepted the official version and has since then claimed for a re-opening of the case, claiming that she had several enemies in the silicone industry. Fortunately reports of her death proved to be untrue. Chesty is alive and well in St Petersburg, FL where she has a large house on Tampa Bay and owns several apartment buildings that she works on herself.

Chesty Morgan worshipping

Despite being Jewish ("and Jesus and Mary were, meh") Chesty Morgan is veneered as a Catholic saint in Potworny region. Devout citizens requested beatification from Vatican and it was very plausible that she was going to be declared Blessed when the Pope was a saint-happy Pole, but now Benedict XVI has stalled the process. The petition featured several miracles attributed to Saint Chesty, as are mentioned below:

  • In 1983, in a dairy farm in Brestislava (Poland), a cow went out of milk and was declared a lost case by the local veterinarian. The owner, Whiteslav Handinski, prayed to St. Chesty and a miracle happened: the cow got so much milk that her udder burst. The animal died but the farmer didn't lose his faith. On contrary, Handinski declared: "It was quite an impressive miracle for a n00b saint, wasn't it?".
  • On the morning of March, 6, 1988, in Fatimaskaya (Poland), Karl Bukowski was going home after a night at the bar when suddenly an image of Chesty appeared floating in the air. "Maaan... it was so huge that I first thought there was two moons in the sky. She covered the sun, causing a total eclipse just for me. Yeah, that chick was hot and now I'm a believer!".
  • In 1995, a wayside chapel was inaugurated in the Town of Balonika (Poland). But the parish was so poor that could not provide the priest with a mattress and he had to sleep on the ground. In few days the padre could hardly celebrate the masses anymore because of his back pains and the several colds he got. So he started praying to Saint Chesty before sleeping, and later spoke of the consequences: "I could feel a warm presence below me, as if I was sleeping on a very comfy couch. To be precise, it was more like two giant air cushions bellow my body. I never got cold or back pain after that and so the masses could be performed graciously. What? Yes, in fact I started to have wet dreams after the miracle but, well, I guess this is a normal occurrence in religious life".
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