Chester

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“Chester is a child molester”
~ Oscar Wilde

Chester, variants include Chester laa (the Scouse residents call it this), is situated slap bang between Liverpool, Manchester and Hollyoaks. It is proudly and firmly in England, apart from the football club, which is situated in Wales.

edit History

Chester was invented by the Romans. It initially consisted of nine houses, three pubs and a males-only brothel, but there are now many more pubs. In 1360 the River Dee dried up to reveal a fully-working racecourse to which have now been added a couple of marquees. Chester's oldest and smallest resident, Bernard Clark, claims to recall a time when the city walls were 7,000 feet high and made of gold, but this claim is of course ridiculous, the government knows for a fact that the walls were 20,000 feet high and made of platinum and that the UN should pay for them.

edit Population

There are approximately seven people currently living in Chester. And a cat.

edit Sightseeing

The University is un-questionably the best in the country, often described as the Harvard of the UK. A great proportion of these students go on to work for Alan Sugar as he is keen to recruit millions of people.

The cathedral is the biggest attraction and is supposedly haunted by the ghost of Magnus Magnusson. It recently underwent a £1million renovation and now boasts underfloor heating, a detachable roof and seven guest beers.

Eating and drinking is very popular in Chester as food and drink is sold at 1950s prices. All local restaurants specialise in cuisine from former countries such as Persia and Caramac. The busiest pub is the Cross Foxes, mainly because it is run by Dave, a mutated ogre who prevents customers from ever leaving unless they answer him these riddles three.

For some reason people come from miles around to shop in Chester. They clearly haven't realised that Tesco and Sainsbury's are also present in almost every large town in the country. The famous Rows are, it has to be said, interesting architectural features, being made of timber-framed Cheshire cheese, which adds a pungent aroma to the shopping experience. Also look out for the air fresheners on the rows which are rumoured to smell of urine and demented cats.

Chester at night is another great experience. RB's nightclub is a must, simply because there isn't anywhere else to go except Brannigan's, "where people make the party.". If you've seen the kind of people in the queue, you'll already know the parties there are rubbish. If you can get out of Brannigan's without losing your shoes, socks and skin from your feet due the high stickyness of the dancefloor, you deserve a medal. At RB's it is almost always 80s night, to satisfy the city's ageing population, for whom two-decade-old culture is as modern as they can get without suffering hernias. However, every Thursday night the local council decides to empty the bottle banks from Morrisons, Sainsburys, Tesco, and the tip by the football ground onto the RB's dancefloors. It also has a disco floor, where no one is ever allowed to take alcohol onto. Those that do rish a harsh penalty - they may be forced to become Welsh, which is by no means a fair punishment. This floor will often be littered with 18-21 year olds dancing along to 5, High School musical, or S-Club 7.

The University of Chester, surprisingly enough, is located in Chester. Contrary to rumours Chester does not "let anyone with half a GCSE in". Chester prides itself on accepting those with DD at A-Level and DD cup size.

Other false accusations:

  • Hollyoaks Community College is not based on the University of Chester
  • Lecturers are senile old people who when asked about an assignmnet topic look at you like you have broke into their house and parked a turd on their living room floor
  • The campus is too small
  • The library computers to student ratio does not meet offical government recommendations
  • Lecturers who were refused jobs at Essex Poly were offered and accepted positions at Chester Univarsity

edit Eastgate Clock

The Eastgate clock was erected to celebreate the 60th anniversary of Gyles Brandreth's first appearance on Countdown. It is the second most photographed clock in the world after the Tweeny clock. A gift to the City from Lord Grosvenor, who lives in the house next door, it was originally supported on the back of two camels. This proved too much of a distraction for the Japanese tourists who couldn't decide whether to photograph the clock or the camels first. The city council therefore arranged for the Eastgate to be built underneath it last week by some kids from the Lache Ghetto on work experience.

edit Sport (yeah, seriously, they call it Sport!)

Chester's basketball team, the Jets, proudly boast the tallest players in the English league.

The university holds a pointless contest call varsity. This is between the two campuses based in Chester and Warrington. Warrington currently hold the varisty crown by winning at sports such as log tossing, duck racing and handbag theft.

Chester's football team is "not the best". Chester's bitterest rivals are Wrexham, who are now relegated to the Blue Square Premier. In an abusmal class of their own, the team has the worst fans in the world whose average attendance could easily fit on a double decker bus. Chester followed Wrexham a year later with relegation to the Blue Square Premier League and are bollocksed starting with -25 points

The Wrexham/Chester game is regarded as the local derby by both sides, and there have been 104 meetings since 1934, of which Wrexham have won 90, 10 have been drawn and Chester have won four, each of the four as a result of poor penalty decisions.

Chester fans are jealous of Wrexham's victory over Arsenal in the FA Cup in January 1992. Chester will never reach those heights and accordingly, most Chester fans exist in a near-suicidal state. Luckily suicide is prevented by taking solice in the fact that Chester at least, don't have to share their ground with a Rugby club. Some supports even believe that the last 50 Wrexham-Chester derby matches would have been much closer had it not have been for the use of rugby ball as opposed to a football.

edit True Facts

  • Chester is not to be confused with Manchester, where a man lives. However, Chester is full of women and the occasional woman with a penis
  • The local accent, according to Hollyhoax, the local news channel, includes Essexish, Mancunian, Scottish, Cockney, Brummy and practically anything which isn't an actual Chester accent.
  • It is legal to shoot a Welshman with a bow and arrow if they are inside the city walls after midnight on a Sunday, provided they are of pure Welsh blood
  • Chester is named after the glove puppet of children's entertainer Dave Benson-Phillips.
  • Other names for Chester include Little Liverpool, Hollyoakes, Arsehole of Nowhere and Deva
  • There was once a train crash at the railway station. No-one died. How fun!
  • Chester was named after the posh bastard 'Chester Macdougle the third' People thought it'd be nice to name the city formerly named 'INOAN' which stood for 'In Need Of A Name'.
  • Plans are in place that will see Chester become its own country
  • Look out for Chester the Child Molester (latin name Purple Aki)
  • Chester's Member of Parliament is Stephen Mosley, nephew of F1 impresario Max Mosley and grandson of the legendary Oswald Mosley.
  • There is a holiday on the week of April 21st entitled "call everyone Chester Week" although it is widely unknown it has been celebrated in a few small towns in southwestern Ohio
  • The racehorse Seabiscuit is from Chester. The horse is very unfaithful and is always on the lookout for a new jockey to ride it on a regular basis. Her owner is very troubled and is a dead ringer for Heston Blumenthal. The horse is also very smelly. It is also widely rumoured, so probably a fact, that Seabiscuit has been ridden several times by Barry from Eastenders

edit See Also

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