From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A cherry is a deep red fruit that looks kind like a petite pair of buttocks, and is reputed to improve anything it is placed on top of, kind of like a petite pair of buttocks.
A typical cherry is composed of:
- A hard pip or stone to choke on.
- Some juicy blood red flesh to ruin your white shirts with.
- A little stalk or handle to be carelessly thrown over your shoulder because no one wants the mess through a pile of stalks for another juicy cherry.
However they also taste really, ridiculously sweet when ripe, and for that they are considered the (cherries and) cream of the fruit crop. Hence the term "cherry-picking" for selecting only the best and leaving everyone else the mediocre choices akin to the squashed grapes and gooey brown bits of pear at the bottom of a fruit salad.
Cherries grow on a blossoming tree beloved by the Japanese and hated by George Washington. The objective truth is somewhere between the opinions of the 120 million Asians and the one Founding father; the flowers of the cherry tree are not as persuasive as roses, but a visit to Tokyo to see them would surely be enough to convince anyone to pop your cherry, so to speak.
The cherry, along with the peach, are in the genus of fruits that are used as euphemisms by slightly unsettling individuals. What isn't a euphemism is their designation as a stone fruit; thinking otherwise and biting down hard on one will be a large donation to the college fund for your dentist's offspring.
Most eating cherries are derived from either the sweet cherry (also called the wild cherry), or the sour cherry, although several Chinese dishes proudly make use of the sweet & sour cherry. Many edible cherry species are distinguished by having their flowers in small a small panicle, so named because the damn flowers are often concealing a swarm of bees drunk and belligerent on spring pollen.
Cherries are native to the temperate regions of the Northern Hemisphere. People in tropical regions sadly have to import them or make do with sprinkles on top instead.
Cherries have been known since antiquity, because back then people hadn't mastered eating yet and instead pulled things off plants and put them in their mouths to see if it would kill them. The cherry didn't kill the particular antique who ate it first, maybe it stained his toga a bit, but he was still pleased enough to tell the other antiques, who then either enjoyed it or cracked a tooth because they hadn't mastered eating yet.
A cultivated cherry is recorded as having been brought to Rome by Lucius Licinius Lucullus, who you can guarantee was an unsettling individual if he insisted on referring to himself with a tongue twister (and probably a lisp, you can't read it any other way).
Speaking of unsettling individuals, during the middle ages the decadent royal courts of Europe chewed through cherries almost as quickly as they chewed through pubescent wives and Christian denominations. Henry VIII, who certainly wasn't guilty of any of that, first brought cherries from Flanders to Sittingbourne. In honor of this fact, the town adopted the motto "Known by their fruits," although that may be a reference to the King's search for something a little longer than a cherry to pop in his mouth.
In the early 18th century a young George Washington, who even then was known for his love of democracy and equality, chopped down a small cherry tree to prevent undemocratic cherry-picking. Ever the politician, he couldn't keep quiet about sometning great he thought he did and told his father, who responded:
|“||Glad am I, George, that you killed my tree; for you have paid me for it a thousand fold. Such an act of heroism in my son is more worth than a thousand trees, though blossomed with silver, and their fruits of purest gold.||”|
And that was the day Washington discovered sarcasm.
The fruit has been cherry-picked for usage in a number of special and often hard to obtain goods and services.
edit Cherry Ripe
A chocolate bar that is, obviously, composed mostly of shredded coconut. The Cherry Ripe is popular in Australia and the UK, and features a very dark skin over soft pink innards. Descriptions like this are probably why it's still rare in the United States.
edit Cherry Coke
A soft drink that is, obviously, composed mostly of whatever enigmatic goo they make Coke out of. Cherry Coke is popular in the United States for tasting kind of like medicine but lacking any of the health benefits. Descriptions like this are probably why cans of the drink can only be found in Australian and UK specialty stores for a 50% mark-up, like medicine.
edit Cherry Brandy
A liquor that is, obviously, really effeminate. As it is still a liquor, it is actually popular in all three countries.
edit For popping
To correctly "pop" a cherry one must repeatedly beat the small red fruit with a 4 to 9 inch hardened rod until it leaves a big mess for one's parents and/or healthcare provider to clean up. Popping one's first cherry with the assistance of a friend, acquaintance or member of an out-of-state athletics team is thought to be a seminal moment in teenage life.
Many unsettling men, who carry dull books with a cult fanbase and wear unfashionable clothing, believe popping cherries is deeply wrong and one ought to wait until after marriage to do it in private with their spouse. However many other unsettling men, who carry dull books with a cult fanbase and wear unfashionable clothing, believe popping cherries is pretty great and would anyone out there mind any help with it, please?
The pasttime is thought to be a growing problem, and groups are teenagers are reputed to have popped the cherries of entire year's harvests in some Mid-western towns, with several caught and jailed for trying to pop the cherries a little too early while the fruit were still on the tree.
However the idea of large numbers of teenagers giving up hot, sweaty sex for a fruit-related hobby strains belief.
Unless a rabid and fanatical sect of George Washington supporters seize power in the East coast district named after the General, cherry trees will probably blossom and grow for the foreseeable future. However man has long since mastered the creation of sweet little blobs that one can bite into without having an emergency all-night dentist on speed dial. Will we one day be saying the idioms "...and a hot fudge on top" and "...sprinkle-picking the best" as though they are as tasty to us as cherry pie?
Probably not. For one, unsettling individuals will never take to such euphemisms as creampie and fudgepacking. And the Japanese will never surrender their beautiful rows of cherry trees for as long as young couples still enjoy walking down the romantic lanes, hand in hand, sharing a big cup of Hokkaido icecream. With a cherry on top, of course.